or is he? answers below please!

[veryconfused81]

Basically, I have recently moved in with my DF. He has a DD who stays with us 40% of the time. She is 7. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. My DF has just started a new job as a teacher, in a neighbouring town, which means he does not get back here until 4.30pm. His DD does an activity class on a Wednesday, and we have her every other Wednesday. Prior to me moving in it was discussed that on the Wednesday we have his DD I would need to take her to her class for 4.45pm. So that would mean picking them up from school (about 20 mins drive from where we live), hanging around at home for an hour, making sure she gets changed, then driving her to her class and dropping her off (again 20 mins or so to get there). I had no problem at all with that, of course I was more than happy to help out. Then he drops it on me today that he has realised that on Wednesdays he has a meeting after work so therefore wouldn't be there to be able to pick her up. This would be every Wednesday. So that means that I have to pick the kids up from school, drive home, drive back into town an hour later, find somewhere to park and pay for it (extortionate where we live), then hang around with my 2 kids for an hour, including my rowdy toddler who at that time of day is generally not much fun, probably in the cafe attached to the place where DSD does her activity, with them both bored shitless (I am speaking from experience as I did do it once last term), and watching DD2 like a hawk as there is an automatic door leading directly onto a very busy main road.

So I suggested maybe he could contact the centre and ask if it was possible to change her day to one where he would be able to grab her on the way home, which means I just have to drop her off then can go back home. And he went MENTAL, i mean proper mental, shouting and shouting at me about how I won't help him out, culminating in calling me a slut (not sure how any of this conversation makes me a slut but there you go). I tried to point out that I was more than happy to collect his daughter from school, get her ready for her club and drive her to it, but if there was any way around me having to hang around waiting with the kids then that would be much better (any other day of the week would be fine as it's only Wednesdays he works late, and the club runs every day). But he is having none of it, apparently I am selfish and only ever think of myself.

I am totally prepared to hear that I am BU, do you think I am?

I also don't think you've done anything wrong here and well done for making the decision to leave. Abusive men are very good at hiding their true selves until they've got you in a position where you can't leave easily. It's probably a bit late for tomorrow but I'm sure someone on here would go with you to the termination appointment if you decide to go through with it.

Thanks everyone. I just had a good chat with my best friend which has made me feel better. Also, on the plus side my ex dp has put himself to bed on the sofa downstairs which is brilliant because I don't have to sleep near him, I get the comfy option, and his snoring is sooooo much more bearable when i hear it through floorboards :)

Sleep well very you are doing so well, hand squeezes for tomorrow.

Morning very,

just wanted to pop in and say am thinking of you hun,x

Went to the clinic. Cried the whole time. Am 6 weeks pg. booked in for surgical abortion under a ga next Tuesday. Seemed less traumatic option than medical abortion.

Oh hun, sending you hugs. I'm sure a lot of people have been thinking of you today. X

Will u have to stay put til after Tuesday then or could the book u in to a nearer place?

veryconfused I know things seem very bleak now but you are moving onward. Come here if you need to off load.

Yes I am stuck here until Thursday next week as I can't drive for 24 hours afterwards, so it will be too late to set off on Weds by the time I can drive.

I am so upset. I got home and idiot asked me what happened at the clinic. I told him that I was booked in for Tuesday and he would have to take the day off work as I can't drive and he will have to look after my dc. He started shouting at me because 'he can't just take time off work like that', and I broke down and kept asking him to stop shouting at me and then I threw a plate at the wall (was doing the washing up at the time). Been crying ever since. Then after that rant he said 'right, so when are you going then?' I told him I won't be able to drive until Thurs and he was like 'right, Thursday then'. And walked off.

Ah so u have told him u r leaving then. Well maybe in the meantime it gives u chance to pack and send some things across this wk and get sorted so by Thursday all u need to do is pack an overnight bag.
U mentioned u had 2 dc's yet u only talk about dd going to dads. Does other dc live with u?

Well yeah, he dumped me so it was obvious I was going to move out, but he seems to be thinking that I am extending this misery out of choice. Believe me the moment I feel capable of driving I am out of here.

Yes my little dd will stay with me as her dad is proper chicken oriental and not on the scene.

We just had a discussion where I let rip (in a calm and controlled way) and told him how it was and that he is a bully and an abuser and how he is creating all these patterns that his own kids will follow, and including lots of choice lines from you lot (thanks for them), and he actually took some notice and agreed he has lots of issues. Then did his normal thing of proceeding to slate me, culminating in saying that now I can go back to somerset and tell everyone I was a victim and cash in on that, as that's what I have been doing for the last 3 years (during a horrific abusive relationship with DD2's dad). I almost fucking flattened him. I was stood right next to the knife drawer and I had a genuine urge to take a knife out and stab the cunt. I told him to get out, and he went. Then to my surprise phoned me 2 mins later to apologise and said he was out of order with what he said. I started crying again and said I am going through enough at the moment without him treating me like that and he agreed. I told him I will get out of his house ASAP and he said he will make an effort to be nice to me until then. We'll see.

Oh, and forgot to say, during the conversation about the logistics of the abortion he ACTUALLY told me that I was selfish for asking him to take a day of work and it's a typical example of how it's all about me and my problems!

Unbefuckinglievable.

I am so sorry to have only just seen this, I would've taken you to the clinic today if I'd known.
Would you like me to pick you up and take you to the appointment next week? No need to give me an answer today, but the offer is there.

Love, he's so totally typical abuser, he's not even especially good at it! Ride through this, you'll get thru this and you'll be happy once more.

We can help get you back on your emotional feet. When you're out of his reach, your journey to healthy freedom will begin. We're with you for every step if you want us!

Don't worry happy, thanks for the thought. And thanks Hissy

I feel like my heart is breaking. Today was hideous, the next week of being pregnant is going to horrible, and god knows how I'm going to deal with Tuesday. Amongst all that I somehow have to find the strength to get everything packed up and try and sort stuff out the other end. If I do manage to find a house I''ve no idea how I will do the deposit etc, and I gave loads of my stuff away to move here as we had 2 of lots of things, so I would need to buy lots of stuff again. And those poor kids, the upheaval for them - I feel awful about it.

I did get a car though.

have only read op. Am shocked you really feel you need to ask if YABU, really shocked. How dare he speak to you like that. Why would you be with someone so shockingly disrespectful (and so feckin unreasonable). Sheeeesh.

Well...I'm not anymore!

After phoning to apologise he got home about an hour ago and starting grovelling more, saying he was really sorry again. He said that it's hard for him too!!!! Cos he really acts like it! He said he knows how hard what I'm going through must be, and I started crying again and said I don't think he has any idea because if he did he wouldn't have been so horrible earlier. Came upstairs to get away from him and then I sat on the bed crying my eyes out. He followed me up and started being all huggy and then said (as if it was a special treat), 'Do you want me to sleep up here tonight?'.

Guess what my answer was?!

He's snoring downstairs again now.

Ugh. He sounds like he thinks he's a treat. Good for you very you are doing really well, even though I know it's hard to see now.

Glad you got a car. I know it must be a difficult time for you right now but you are dong what is best for the children you have. You are being very strong already so you have that strength. Have you spoke to any of the refuges? Google RISE they are the domestic violence group we promote at work they may be able to help you as he has been abusive to you. www.riseuk.org.uk/ The people from RISE that work in A and E are lovely and I am sure they can help you.

xxx

No I haven't spoken to any refuges, I have friends and family I can stay with short term until I get somewhere. Going to have to bite the bullet and call my mum today, I know it's stupid but I feel really guilty for her that this has all gone wrong, she was so looking forward to me getting married. And now I have fucked up and disappointed her yet again.

I am so sad today. Been crying since I woke up, when my ex came and sat on the bed and repeatedly told me how sorry he was about everything, for treating me the way he has etc. The last 2 nights in my dreams I have dreamed that we are together and just doing stuff, and it's like it used to be between us, before he turned into an arsehole. Then I wake up and I remember it's not like that. Maybe it's cos I wish it could be like that because then I wouldn't have to have this abortion. Not saying any part of me wants to stay with him but you know what I mean.

Feel traumatised by what happened yesterday. The scan was horrible, it was a vaginal one and really intrusive and uncomfortable. And I glimpsed the picture she printed and thought 'that's the only time I will ever see my baby'.

And this is a weird thing which is playing on my mind too. In August last year my ex DP was in Thailand with some friends and one of his best friends died in suspicious circumstances when they were out there. My ex is really cut up about what happened and blames himself terribly for not being able to stop it. So obviously this year he found the anniversary of it hard to cope with. Then when I found out I was pregnant, my 2 year old kept saying the name of this friend over and over again over a period of a couple of days - it's a nickname he was known by and a very unusual and distinctive name, that I don't think my daughter has ever heard anyone say (she never met this person). And she kept saying 'boy' too, for no reason. Then when I was driving down to the doctors to ask for an abortion she sat in the back and said merrily, clear as day 'Baby dead!'. And when they did the scan yesterday, they told me I was 6 weeks + 1 day, which would mean that I conceived on 13th August, the exact anniversary of this person's death. None of this changes anything, but it's just another thing pushing me towards the brink of madness at the moment.

As my dad says when my ex is being horrible - "At least he keeps reminding you that it was a good reason to leave him! Wouldn't it be worse if he suddenly starting being lovely and giving you doubts".

I think you're doing so well, as impossibly hard as this is. As for the abortion, I've been there, and you're not doomed to grief for the rest of your life. There is a grieving process, but when it's the right thing to do, you feel a great peace. Don't headfuck about the anniversary/name thing.

I agree with taking a break from men for a bit (I'm into the fourth year of my break after horrible ex!) but pride yourself on this - you recognized abuse and made the decision to leave quicker this time. Your twat-radar is improving.

Oh Very!! hugs

I just wanted to say that I have had some very very strange 'coincidences' (for want of a better word!), too.

That would scare me, TBH.

I know it's stupid but I feel really guilty for her that this has all gone wrong, she was so looking forward to me getting married. And now I have fucked up and disappointed her yet again.

No, you are completely wrong. You are not a disappointment to your mum, she will be proud that her daughter has such a fantastic twat radar & such incredible inner strength that you can go through all you are going through and see a better life for yourself away from such an abusive cunt.

Your mum would have been disappointed to think that you stayed in the situation you were in so that you didn't disappoint her, IYSWIM? She's only going to be sad for you that this has happened.

You are doing brilliantly OP. x

Thanks! Well, massive steps forward today. After waking up and crying all morning I finally bit the bullet and phoned my mum. She was understanding and said she would help however she can. The only bit where she freaked out was when I said I am pg, but as soon as I told her I was having a termination she calmed down and said I was definitely doing the right thing, which I know I am. Turns out she went through the same thing when she was 18 which I never knew.

Then she phoned me up an hour or so later and came up with the plan of moving to town near where she lives, so she can help me out with the kids more etc. the more I think about it, the more I think it's a good idea. It's less than half an hour from hers to where my best friend lives, although its more than an hour away from where I lived before. And my mum has horses I can ride and a hot tub we can bob about it, so it will be living the life of Riley compared to this grim council estate in Brighton! Have found a nice house in the Internet and mum is going to have a look at it for me.

So it's all looking up! Feel a lot better now I have a bit of a plan and can start looking forward. The next week will be shitty but once that's done I can get on with my life in a nice place with my girls, and NO MEN!

OP, try not to read too much into what could be coincidence mixed with overhearing conversations. It will just do your head in.
On returning home from a long day's work, my ex-P once informed me that, as he was changing DS' nappy (he was about 18 mnths at the time) my DS said to him , " Da-da, wanker !".
I restrained myself, but inside I was pissing myself laughing because I agreed with his assessment. Really though, he was just copying what his dad had been shouting at the tv the previous weekend whist watching rugby. Kids can overhear and pick up on allsorts in the home without being informed directly, they don't even need to be in the same room as their hearing is perfect.