or is he? answers below please!

[veryconfused81]

Basically, I have recently moved in with my DF. He has a DD who stays with us 40% of the time. She is 7. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. My DF has just started a new job as a teacher, in a neighbouring town, which means he does not get back here until 4.30pm. His DD does an activity class on a Wednesday, and we have her every other Wednesday. Prior to me moving in it was discussed that on the Wednesday we have his DD I would need to take her to her class for 4.45pm. So that would mean picking them up from school (about 20 mins drive from where we live), hanging around at home for an hour, making sure she gets changed, then driving her to her class and dropping her off (again 20 mins or so to get there). I had no problem at all with that, of course I was more than happy to help out. Then he drops it on me today that he has realised that on Wednesdays he has a meeting after work so therefore wouldn't be there to be able to pick her up. This would be every Wednesday. So that means that I have to pick the kids up from school, drive home, drive back into town an hour later, find somewhere to park and pay for it (extortionate where we live), then hang around with my 2 kids for an hour, including my rowdy toddler who at that time of day is generally not much fun, probably in the cafe attached to the place where DSD does her activity, with them both bored shitless (I am speaking from experience as I did do it once last term), and watching DD2 like a hawk as there is an automatic door leading directly onto a very busy main road.

So I suggested maybe he could contact the centre and ask if it was possible to change her day to one where he would be able to grab her on the way home, which means I just have to drop her off then can go back home. And he went MENTAL, i mean proper mental, shouting and shouting at me about how I won't help him out, culminating in calling me a slut (not sure how any of this conversation makes me a slut but there you go). I tried to point out that I was more than happy to collect his daughter from school, get her ready for her club and drive her to it, but if there was any way around me having to hang around waiting with the kids then that would be much better (any other day of the week would be fine as it's only Wednesdays he works late, and the club runs every day). But he is having none of it, apparently I am selfish and only ever think of myself.

I am totally prepared to hear that I am BU, do you think I am?

very I can see how that would be easier for you AND her, and anything that makes life easier is the way to go right now.

If they don't have any spaces left, the people on the Primary education boards can help. Y4 is much easier to win an appeal on than infants age. Though by the sounds of it, a small village school may well have spare places.

If you get a little run around to get you back there, then would your mum's or your best friend's be close enough to drive her to school?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops despite what they would like you to think, teachers are not pillars of the community, anything special or any better than the rest of us. My dad was a teacher with bipolar who had psychotic episodes and drank night nurse to get him to sleep during manic episodes. I spent most of my childhood shitting my pants and wondering when the next fit of explosive rage would come.

In fact op, your DP sounds mentally ill tbh. He also sounds dangerous and abusive. I was in an abusive relationship. You really need to know that this won't get any better, it will only get worse.

Please step back and try to see this from an objective point of view. If a friend was telling you about their partner what would you think? that's your answer.

He just got home from work, we didn't talk to each other except for me to ask him if he will definitely have the kids for me tomorrow when I go for the abortion consultation, he said yes, then left again. No luck finding a car :(

veryconfused you are doing really well. I'm glad you got the thread moved to Relationships. This is all hard and crappy at the moment but not as hard as twenty years with this man.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. You are being very brave.
Do you have someone to go with you tomorrow? x

Really feel for you OP, it's obvious you are having a horrible time.

Obviously you need to get away from this nasty, not-worth-having man. But also in the longer term I think you need to get some help to stop you repeating self destructive patterns of behaviour and get your life sorted out.

You've already got children by two different fathers, one of whom you describe as a 'psycho nutcase'. The other guy - the one who isn't a nutcase - doesn't sound like he's going to win any prizes for Dad of the Year either, though at least he's not abusive. Now you've got pregnant by another psycho nutcase -who you have let your children get attached to -and who you haven't been with very long and and you are about to have an abortion (not judging, this is a good decision IMO).

It's really horrible having an abortion (I've had one myself ). I think you need to look after yourself better - and your kids. Stay off men, get some effective contraception and get yourself out of this awful situation.

Good luck :)

No I don't know anyone up here so I am going on my own. It's just the consultation, I don't think I get the choice to actually take the pill tomorrow. I am in bits thinking about it, just been sitting here crying my eyes out. I think I have cried at least a million tears for this baby already over the last couple of weeks. I feel like such a shit bag.

I really don't know where I go wrong tiredof. I think I am just gullible or stupid or something. Anyhow, I am seriously off men for a really long time. And once I get back home and settled I am definitely going to get some counselling to deal with the trauma of my last 2 relationships and the abortion.

When you get the chance look into the Freedom Programme. You can either attend in person, or do it for free online here

They even send you books for free too - I found it harrowing but invaluable.

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

You aren't gullible or stupid. You may have bad radar for arseholes. Bear in mind that abusive men target women they think they can abuse. Don't blame yourself for that. I think counselling is a great idea. I think Couthy mentioned a Women's Aid course.

x-post, that is the one

I would second that you most certainly are neither gullible or stupid. I agree abusive men target vulnerable women who are perhaps 'easier' for them to abuse - but that certainly is not your fault. Far from it.

Thanks for that link, I will definitely do that. For now I am just wondering how on earth I am going to get through this week. Still haven't had the balls to phone my mum or DD1's dad to talk to them about things. I feel heartbroken about this abortion.

Take each stage at a time - all together it is huge isn't it. Just set yourself little goals or targets, maybe write them down? That is what I would try and do anyway - and just think of one bit at a time maybe and then see how you get on.

Have you told him you are leaving yet? You should maybe put things in place before you tell him in case you need to depart quickly.

I'm generally on the side of keeping the baby whatever, but I do think having a child with this man sounds like a Very Bad Idea.

... I'm sure it's terribly immoral etc, but if you can't face a termination, how about when you do your flit back to your place of origin you give him to understand that you didn't proceed with the pregnancy? Don't name him on the birth certificate, don't ask him for maintenance, just basically never let him know he's a father? If he finds out you have another child just say it isn't his. As he already thinks you're a slut he should have no problem believing it.

I can't do that Annie. Having been on my own with 2 kids I know I don't want to be on my own with 3, including a newborn baby.

Fair enough. Presumably you don't want to overburden your friends and family either - a responsible attitude.

My family are not really keen to get involved with the kids I already have, and friends can only help out so much as everyone has their own lives/kids too.

Just been chatting with DD1 about things, and I asked her if she thought I should ever any more babies. And she said straight away 'NO definitely not! It's already like having 4 babies with DD2 around'. I agree that she is a bit of a menace.

if you can't face a termination, how about when you do your flit back to your place of origin you give him to understand that you didn't proceed with the pregnancy? Don't name him on the birth certificate, don't ask him for maintenance, just basically never let him know he's a father? If he finds out you have another child just say it isn't his.

Sorry but I think that's bloody awful 'advice'. OP's life is complicated enough. Plus what about the rights of this man, awful though he is, to know he's a father? Not to mention the rights of a child to know their origins.

I feel for you, OP. It's a horrid position to be in I know. I got pg at Uni, I was 19 and on the pill but took antibiotics and didn't realise it would affect my pill. It was my responsibility though, to know that I shouldn't have mixed antibiotics and the pill so there is no excuse.

I felt awful after the abortion and was basically horrible to the people who had come down on the side of my terminating the pregnancy. Now I'm grateful to those people. My BF at the time wasn't violent, he didn't have a temper, he didn't abuse me. But he was irresponsible and a bit odd. I was heartbroken at the time but I'm so glad I didn't have a child with him. I would have been stuck with a link to him for my whole life, and I would never have had the children I'd got now - my life would have taken a different course.

You are not stupid, OP, but you've made some bad decisions and we all do that. If you don't know where you are going wrong, you need to get someone to help you see, so you can make a better happier life for you and your children.

Stay strong, you will be better off without this man screwing up your life and making you feel like shit.

Best of luck very. It looks like you're in a terrible place right now, but you're doing all the right things to move away from that place and find a better one. Things should get better in time. x

You are certainly not stupid.

A stupid women would not be getting herself and her DDs out of this situation so soon.

Just caught up very u r doing brilliantly. I know exactly how u feel, I too am single parent with 2 DCs and wonder what I do wrong in relationships. But clearly we r just drawn to idiots!
I'll join your 'being off men' group!

I am near Brighton but unfortunately I am working all day tomorrow or I would have come along and supported you. Where in somerset are you from?

Sorry you are going through this x