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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

or is he? answers below please!

210 replies

veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 22:38

Basically, I have recently moved in with my DF. He has a DD who stays with us 40% of the time. She is 7. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. My DF has just started a new job as a teacher, in a neighbouring town, which means he does not get back here until 4.30pm. His DD does an activity class on a Wednesday, and we have her every other Wednesday. Prior to me moving in it was discussed that on the Wednesday we have his DD I would need to take her to her class for 4.45pm. So that would mean picking them up from school (about 20 mins drive from where we live), hanging around at home for an hour, making sure she gets changed, then driving her to her class and dropping her off (again 20 mins or so to get there). I had no problem at all with that, of course I was more than happy to help out. Then he drops it on me today that he has realised that on Wednesdays he has a meeting after work so therefore wouldn't be there to be able to pick her up. This would be every Wednesday. So that means that I have to pick the kids up from school, drive home, drive back into town an hour later, find somewhere to park and pay for it (extortionate where we live), then hang around with my 2 kids for an hour, including my rowdy toddler who at that time of day is generally not much fun, probably in the cafe attached to the place where DSD does her activity, with them both bored shitless (I am speaking from experience as I did do it once last term), and watching DD2 like a hawk as there is an automatic door leading directly onto a very busy main road.

So I suggested maybe he could contact the centre and ask if it was possible to change her day to one where he would be able to grab her on the way home, which means I just have to drop her off then can go back home. And he went MENTAL, i mean proper mental, shouting and shouting at me about how I won't help him out, culminating in calling me a slut (not sure how any of this conversation makes me a slut but there you go). I tried to point out that I was more than happy to collect his daughter from school, get her ready for her club and drive her to it, but if there was any way around me having to hang around waiting with the kids then that would be much better (any other day of the week would be fine as it's only Wednesdays he works late, and the club runs every day). But he is having none of it, apparently I am selfish and only ever think of myself.

I am totally prepared to hear that I am BU, do you think I am?

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:09

I am very worried about the shouting, and how it's affecting my kids. DD1 told me last night that she wants to go and live with her dad - words I never thought I would hear. Of course my kids are my priority and there is no way I am losing either of them, so it looks like going home is the best move. DD2's dad is not on the scene and DP has become a father to her, and in his defence he is brilliant with her, he does get a bit shouty when she is only doing normal toddler things but he also has lots of fun with her and she clearly loves him to bits.

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Flojo1979 · 09/09/2012 23:10

He knows your pregnant and hes being so vile?
Pls don't wait long, run.
I'm sure friends and family will get u on your feet til u r sorted.
But yes I can see having that permanent tie is a worry but put some distance between u and stay strong and make a decision then.

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squeakytoy · 09/09/2012 23:10

OP, most abusive relationships dont really kick in until they have got you in a vulnerable position.

He has now got you 200 miles away from your family and friends. You are pregnant. You are in his clutches and he thinks its now safe to be the real him.. everything before now was an act. Believe me on that.. you havent known him long enough to see the real person.

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Fecklessdizzy · 09/09/2012 23:12

Go home! As someone said up thread, he's not going to get better, the nice chap you fell for is a pig-headed shouty man in real life. Imagine yourself back with your friends and family and then imagine yourself staying put and getting screamed at on a daily basis, which picture do you prefer?

Does he know that you're pregnant?

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Flojo1979 · 09/09/2012 23:12

Having toddler energy does not make up for the abuse.
I found that out the hard way too. Go home to ppl who love u and don't abuse u.
Tomorrow he will be nice as pie but u must stay strong and go.

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WinklyFriedChicken · 09/09/2012 23:12

'getting shouty' with a toddler for doing toddler things isn't 'being brilliant'

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lilachair · 09/09/2012 23:13

He doesn't have anger management issues as he is perfectly capable of managing his anger with everyone else.

Run to the hills lovely. Make any decisions once you are well clear. He's not a nice man and you and your DC should not be around him.

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squeakytoy · 09/09/2012 23:13

"DD2's dad is not on the scene and DP has become a father to her, and in his defence he is brilliant with her, he does get a bit shouty when she is only doing normal toddler things but he also has lots of fun with her and she clearly loves him to bits."

ffs love, listen to yourself properly here... this is a bloke who has seen your child once a week at the most for ten months.. he is not a father to her.. and a decent bloke does not get "shouty" with a toddler either... she is a baby, she will "love" anyone "to bits"... she certainly does not need this twat for a stepfather...

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ThereGoesTheYear · 09/09/2012 23:14

Don't throw good time after bad. Things will only get worse - you're starting to see the real person now.

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TwinkleReturns · 09/09/2012 23:14

x-posts with everyone Blush

it sounds like actually you aren't going to trot out that "he is lovely most of the time" which is actually really good. You know deep down that you need to leave dont you? I can sense it in your comment about permenant ties to him being bad.

Agree with someone upthread who said dont worry about the pg right now - focus on getting you and DC away from him and then think about pg. Good luck OP.

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Numberlock · 09/09/2012 23:15

Did you have your own home prior to moving in with him?

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MagicHouse · 09/09/2012 23:16

and a decent bloke does not get "shouty" with a toddler either... she is a baby, she will "love" anyone "to bits"... she certainly does not need this twat for a stepfather...

So agree with this. Poor little girl (and poor you). She is learning that being shouted at just for being her is part of loving someone. You sound strong enough to get out of this. I would do it ASAP.

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Noqontrol · 09/09/2012 23:16

Go Home Op, please, just go home. Think about the pregnancy once you're in a different environment, but really, his behaviour is Not Good.

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Flojo1979 · 09/09/2012 23:17

Pack and go in the morning.
We'll all be here. With u through the journey. U r not alone.
U r a strong person, u can do this, u have to for the sake of your sanity and that of your DCs.
We'll all be here. Update as often as u need to. U r not alone.

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:19

Yes he knows I am pregnant. I think he is leaning more towards me having a termination but he says he will support me whatever I choose.

He is wrong to shout and I am not excusing it but I just want to point out that I am not perfect. I spent the first 4 weeks I was here screaming in agony and dosed up on smacky painkillers because of a rotten wisdom tooth, then had it removed, We had one week of niceness and then I found out about the pregnancy and it's been arguments again since then. He said he feels like I don't want to spend any time with him, that I would rather be on Facebook, which is what he says killed his last relationship. I guess that's true, I could have spent less time on FB but it's my link to my old life. I've also had to go to court twice in the last 2 months to face my DD2's dad who is a psycho nutcase. So had quite a lot going on. He says he has run out of sympathy for me as my problems are endless and I must bring them on myself.

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WinklyFriedChicken · 09/09/2012 23:21

Wow what a charmer

If he thinks you are that hard work then do him a favour and go home

If, in fact, it is him that is hard work and the rest, do yourself and your children a favour and go home

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:22

Thanks flojo, your comment just made me cry.

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TheEnthusiasticTroll · 09/09/2012 23:22

I wasprepared to say YABU untill I read the last paragraph Shock.

I would not continue a realtionship with this utter vile man.

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emsyj · 09/09/2012 23:22

He is not a nice man. You do know that you need to get out, and you also need to get some real life support to make sure he doesn't manipulate you into staying with him any longer.

You will be so much happier (and calmer) without him - it's clear from your posts that your life is fraught at the moment. It's not you, it's him - run fast, while you still can.

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MagicHouse · 09/09/2012 23:23

Don't waste time trying to analyse why he behaves like he does or start putting yourself down. Nothing you have said in your post makes it sound like you deserve to be shouted at. It sounds like you have needed lots of looking after (pain/ leaving your friends/ unexpected pregnancy) A loving partner would do that. Listen to your gut instincts and leave.

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squeakytoy · 09/09/2012 23:23

He sounds dreadful.

If your ex was a psycho nutcase, it would explain why you fell for someone who was able to put on the charm.. educated, seemed a safe bet.. but he has taken advantage of the fact that you were probably a vulnerable woman with a young baby.

He has "run out of sympathy" after a month.. really????

You know that the only sane solution now would be to cut your losses and get out of this. For your sake, and most definately for your childrens sakes.

If your eldest is already asking to go and live with her Dad, then listen to that.. and make sure it doesnt happen.

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MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 09/09/2012 23:23

confused do you want to get this moved to Relationships? There is always good support there, can be over the longer term and AIBU can get a bit scary sometimes. We can still find you in Threads I'm On.

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Shellywelly1973 · 09/09/2012 23:24

Run,run,RUN!!!

You know you need to, sooner or later...
Make it sooner for dc sakes.

Take care.

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clippityclop · 09/09/2012 23:24

You sound lovely. He sounds seriously troubled, not your problem. Hitch up skirt and run like hell.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 09/09/2012 23:25

Very eventually you are going to run out of excuses for him and yourself.

he doesnt want you or your so called problems, he shouts at your child and doesnt want the baby you are carrying. But still the excuses, I will tell you from one mother to another, if anyone shouted at my baby like that, wouldnt either wake up in the morning and or be feeling the door on their arse on the way out of it.

You have picked this man because he is so like your ex, you cannot yet distinguish between good and bad and what you are worth as a person.

At this point you are better off single and sorting out the crap thats going on for you ref your ex, taking on this amount of shit wasnt bright but hey its happened, its time now to make the decision to put the kids first and your needs last. This is not a healthy enviroment for either of you, but god forbid he ever lays a hand on that child.

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