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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

or is he? answers below please!

210 replies

veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 22:38

Basically, I have recently moved in with my DF. He has a DD who stays with us 40% of the time. She is 7. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. My DF has just started a new job as a teacher, in a neighbouring town, which means he does not get back here until 4.30pm. His DD does an activity class on a Wednesday, and we have her every other Wednesday. Prior to me moving in it was discussed that on the Wednesday we have his DD I would need to take her to her class for 4.45pm. So that would mean picking them up from school (about 20 mins drive from where we live), hanging around at home for an hour, making sure she gets changed, then driving her to her class and dropping her off (again 20 mins or so to get there). I had no problem at all with that, of course I was more than happy to help out. Then he drops it on me today that he has realised that on Wednesdays he has a meeting after work so therefore wouldn't be there to be able to pick her up. This would be every Wednesday. So that means that I have to pick the kids up from school, drive home, drive back into town an hour later, find somewhere to park and pay for it (extortionate where we live), then hang around with my 2 kids for an hour, including my rowdy toddler who at that time of day is generally not much fun, probably in the cafe attached to the place where DSD does her activity, with them both bored shitless (I am speaking from experience as I did do it once last term), and watching DD2 like a hawk as there is an automatic door leading directly onto a very busy main road.

So I suggested maybe he could contact the centre and ask if it was possible to change her day to one where he would be able to grab her on the way home, which means I just have to drop her off then can go back home. And he went MENTAL, i mean proper mental, shouting and shouting at me about how I won't help him out, culminating in calling me a slut (not sure how any of this conversation makes me a slut but there you go). I tried to point out that I was more than happy to collect his daughter from school, get her ready for her club and drive her to it, but if there was any way around me having to hang around waiting with the kids then that would be much better (any other day of the week would be fine as it's only Wednesdays he works late, and the club runs every day). But he is having none of it, apparently I am selfish and only ever think of myself.

I am totally prepared to hear that I am BU, do you think I am?

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:25

My mum would have me at hers so that's an option but my best friend has also offered to put us up. So many complications though, with school for DD1 and my cats etc, also I have A LOT of stuff so moving out again would be no easy task. But I guess life was never meant to be easy.

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Fecklessdizzy · 09/09/2012 23:26

No-one's perfect but you sound human and he sounds like a selfish, demanding, unsympathetic, bullying tosspot and not exactly bringing much to your life except more guilt and unhappyness. Leave him.

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WinklyFriedChicken · 09/09/2012 23:28

You cannot live like this

He will get worse, not better

You WILL need to move out eventually, for your safety and that of your children

It will only get more difficult to move home, the easiest time is as soon as possible.

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Noqontrol · 09/09/2012 23:30

You can find another school. Won't your mum take the cats? If she wont then its still better to rehome them than to wreck you children's childhood through living with that man. Have you the money for a removal van? Would your mum help with that?

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Noqontrol · 09/09/2012 23:30

*your

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QuintessentialShadows · 09/09/2012 23:31

Please pack your bags and go. Asap!
He sounds utterly vile.

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meboo · 09/09/2012 23:31

OMG run for hills my dear and don't let any excuses or reasons stand in your way. Pack up and leave.

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QuintessentialShadows · 09/09/2012 23:32

And please dont put your cats above your childrens happyness!

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:32

MrsTerrys that might be a good idea.

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:34

My mum can't have the cats as she already has a cat and her friend who is a cat's protection league man said it wouldn't be a good idea as mine might gang up on hers (she was going to have them before I moved here). I don't have the money for a removal van but my mum might help me out.

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MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 09/09/2012 23:34

Just report your thread to MNHQ and ask for it to be moved. We will all be there, plus a lot of other fab MNers who give some great advice.

FYI it doesn't matter what you did. Even if you were a grade-A bitch, this relationship is not healthy.

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Bossybritches22 · 09/09/2012 23:35

A whole BUNTING of red flags here OP.

Yes it will be difficult but the relief when you get away from him & realise what stress you were under, will be immense.

Can you get someone to come & help you pack & move stuff?

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:38

Yes my best friend and my mum would come here I'm sure, if I needed them to.

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Noqontrol · 09/09/2012 23:46

Dont stay there op. you've had a unanimous agreement here, unusual for mumsnet. But that should tell you something. His behaviour isn't right and your priority has to be your children.

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HappySunflower · 09/09/2012 23:56

You need to do what feels right to you, of course, but I too think that you need to go home.
How long have you lived with him for?
What they say about living someone is true- you do finally see their true colours, and see the worst as well as the best of them.
Considering you say you haven't lived with him for very long, the fact that you are seeing this kind of behaviour so soon is worrying and suggests that me that worst still could be yet to come.
So, put the welfare and happiness of yourself and your children first and set the wheels in motion to get out as soon as you can.
If you feel able to tell us whereabouts you are, we can see if any of us can be of practical help.
Until then, consider your hand held, and know that we will be here for you.

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:56

OK, I have been convinced. I need my friends and family and people who love me. I am booked in for a consultation regarding the termination on Tuesday and I will go to that, I know I can't be on my own with 3 kids, I just can't do that. I will keep you posted. Thank you all x

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:59

I am in Brighton, HappySunflower, so if anyone in Brighton is in need of 2 very lovely ginger cats? Even just for a few weeks until I get somewhere to live.

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toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 10/09/2012 00:05

Oh yes please please do GO GO GO, op, we will be here, best of luck x

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Noqontrol · 10/09/2012 00:09

Where will you be heading to from Brighton? (I'm not in Brighton, but you never know, might be at the other end).

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HappySunflower · 10/09/2012 00:11

I'm not far from you at all- have sent you a pm!

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HissyByName · 10/09/2012 00:13

Oh thank god! So glad you made the decisions you have, that man is dangerous love, you have to get away, to get your dc away from him.

You can do this, we're all with you.

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StripyShoes · 10/09/2012 00:16

OP, others have said everything so much better than me but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck, offer you a hand to hold and a hug.

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veryconfused81 · 10/09/2012 00:20

Noqontrol I will be going back to Somerset, near Taunton.

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Noqontrol · 10/09/2012 00:28

My cousin lives in Bridgwater. Shall I ask her if she fancies a few cats?

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Noqontrol · 10/09/2012 00:29

Bridgewater even!!

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