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Relationships

or is he? answers below please!

210 replies

veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 22:38

Basically, I have recently moved in with my DF. He has a DD who stays with us 40% of the time. She is 7. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. My DF has just started a new job as a teacher, in a neighbouring town, which means he does not get back here until 4.30pm. His DD does an activity class on a Wednesday, and we have her every other Wednesday. Prior to me moving in it was discussed that on the Wednesday we have his DD I would need to take her to her class for 4.45pm. So that would mean picking them up from school (about 20 mins drive from where we live), hanging around at home for an hour, making sure she gets changed, then driving her to her class and dropping her off (again 20 mins or so to get there). I had no problem at all with that, of course I was more than happy to help out. Then he drops it on me today that he has realised that on Wednesdays he has a meeting after work so therefore wouldn't be there to be able to pick her up. This would be every Wednesday. So that means that I have to pick the kids up from school, drive home, drive back into town an hour later, find somewhere to park and pay for it (extortionate where we live), then hang around with my 2 kids for an hour, including my rowdy toddler who at that time of day is generally not much fun, probably in the cafe attached to the place where DSD does her activity, with them both bored shitless (I am speaking from experience as I did do it once last term), and watching DD2 like a hawk as there is an automatic door leading directly onto a very busy main road.

So I suggested maybe he could contact the centre and ask if it was possible to change her day to one where he would be able to grab her on the way home, which means I just have to drop her off then can go back home. And he went MENTAL, i mean proper mental, shouting and shouting at me about how I won't help him out, culminating in calling me a slut (not sure how any of this conversation makes me a slut but there you go). I tried to point out that I was more than happy to collect his daughter from school, get her ready for her club and drive her to it, but if there was any way around me having to hang around waiting with the kids then that would be much better (any other day of the week would be fine as it's only Wednesdays he works late, and the club runs every day). But he is having none of it, apparently I am selfish and only ever think of myself.

I am totally prepared to hear that I am BU, do you think I am?

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Flojo1979 · 09/09/2012 22:54

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said.
I wouldn't want a man, that thinks its ok to call someone he's supposed to love a slut, anywhere nr my children.

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Flojo1979 · 09/09/2012 22:55

X post cali

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 22:55

He does not normally call me names, and to fair I had just called him a bell end for shouting at me and being unreasonable when I was trying to help him out, but he WAS being a bell end. I was definitely not being a slut.

He does shout though, a lot. We split up yesterday, him dumping me for the fact that I have not been attentive enough since I moved in. Then tried to patch things up today but it doesn't look like it's happening. I told him the only way I would be prepared to stay with him is if he went for anger management, which he agreed to even though he said that if he went the people there would just think he is a liar as he clearly has no anger issues 'I'M A TEACHER!!!' he bellowed at me, as if this means that there is no way he could have anger issues.

I don't know any of his exes but his ex wife (his DD's mum) will only communicate with him by text as otherwise he just shouts at her (he showed me a text where she has said that).

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EndoplasmicReticulum · 09/09/2012 22:57

How long have you been together?

He doesn't sound like the sort of person I'd want around my children - as his partner, or as a parent of one of the children in his class, to be honest.

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Flojo1979 · 09/09/2012 22:58

He's a teacher and he swears in front of your kids. Wow.
Would he swear in front of the kids at school? I think not. He clearly has no respect for u or the kids.
Run, quickly.

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ll31 · 09/09/2012 22:58

why are you subjecting your children to this?

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eslteacher · 09/09/2012 22:59

Oh dear, things don't look good...how are the two of you ever going to deal with the inevitable problems and bumps of everyday life if he just shouts and you and calls you a slut whenever you try to discuss things?

HIBVVU.

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MagicHouse · 09/09/2012 23:00

Please think carefully about getting out of this relationship. You are doing what thousands of women do at the start of abusive relationships. You are ignoring red flags and starting to make excuses for his behaviour/ saying it is your fault. In doing this and accepting it you are sending out signals that you WILL put up with this from him. And it will just get worse. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Don't let them learn that this behaviour is ok.

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MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 09/09/2012 23:00

will only communicate with him by text as otherwise he just shouts at her The mother of his child cannot talk to him because of his anger issues. How worried are you, bacause you don't sound it. I wouldn't want my DD seeing that.

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Flojo1979 · 09/09/2012 23:02

U recently moved in and he's doing this... Alarm bells ringing yet?...this should be the honeymoon period, it isn't going to get better, it will get worse.
If he's done such a number on u that u don't have respect for yourself for god sake think of your kids. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM.

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squeakytoy · 09/09/2012 23:02

"I don't know any of his exes but his ex wife (his DD's mum) will only communicate with him by text as otherwise he just shouts at her (he showed me a text where she has said that)."


How long had you known this person before you moved in with him?

It sounds bloody awful.

Your kids dont deserve this, and neither do you, but you are the one who can remove them from what is undoubtedly going to get worse.

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Fecklessdizzy · 09/09/2012 23:03

Seriously Very Bail out NOW. You and your children deserve better than this bully. If he wants to be with you he should sort out his issues before you get back together, which sounds like a never-going-to-happen-in-this-universe scenario as he doesn't think he has any issues to sort.

Stay split up, you know deep down he's a bad idea or you wouldn't be on here asking us!

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WorraLiberty · 09/09/2012 23:03

Would you actually sit down and think "I know, I'll subject my children to spending time with a really bad tempered man?"

No? I thought not.

Please stop doing it.

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veryconfused81 · 09/09/2012 23:04

We have only been together for 10 months. It was a long distance thing (200 miles), and we saw each other every week but one of us had to make the move and it made sense for it to be me for a number of reasons, even though it broke my heart leaving all my friends and family. Things were brilliant between us before I moved here.

Yes strongly considering going home. God knows how, as I have no money at all to get a house etc but I think it's the only way.

And didn't want to mention this before as didn't want it to affect the other things I have mentioned but I am 6 weeks pg. I personally would find it very hard to have a termination but I don't think I could cope on my own with 3 kids (done it with 2 and it was hard enough), so I think it's the only option. I think a permanent link to him would be a really bad idea.

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OhTheConfusion · 09/09/2012 23:05

Do you and the kids have somewhere you can go or have you given up your home to live with this man?

If your DD was in the same position 20yrs down the line what would you be saying? I would be telling mine to GET OUT NOW!

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squeakytoy · 09/09/2012 23:06

You really didnt know this man well enough. Get out now. Honestly, it would be madness to get any deeper involved with this man.

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OhTheConfusion · 09/09/2012 23:06

X post.

Does he know you are pg?

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EndoplasmicReticulum · 09/09/2012 23:06

Go home. There is time to think about the pregnancy once you and your children are away from him.

It is worrying that he has isolated you from friends and family.

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ThereGoesTheYear · 09/09/2012 23:07

Righto, so he doesn't have anger management issues. (I believe him, as he'd probably have lost his job by now if he did.) So he just regularly rants and verbally abuses you in front of your DC because he thinks it's OK to do this.

As for breaking up with you because you're 'not attentive enough'... Sheesh! He really is a child and a manipulative one at that - I'm guessing he's trying to scare you into giving him more sex/back rubs/malteasers...

Does he think you're so grateful to be in a relationship with him that you'll put up with this?

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FelicitywasSarca · 09/09/2012 23:07

Right. Get out. This week tomorrow . Go.

Have you got family who will put you and the kids up?

You cannot make a decision re. pregnancy while you are in this environment.

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charade · 09/09/2012 23:07

He doesn't normally call you names but nor is it a one off. His ex won't communicate with him verbally because of his behaviour. He shouts at you for things which are trivial. He shouts at you for things that he has done wrong. He shouts at you in front of young children. Somehow you have reached a stage where you are prepared to be told that you are being unreasonable.

How do you feel when you here the sound of his key in the door?

Do you want to have this for the rest of your life because this is supposed to be the good bit. Can you subject your dcs to spending their childhood in the constant presence of an angry man because spending the next ten to fifteen years in a hyper state of vigilance will change who they are and change the relationships they will form as adults.

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JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 09/09/2012 23:08

Sorry Lovvie, you must be in a right state. Blimey.

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MagicHouse · 09/09/2012 23:08

So many things saying this relationship is abusive. Classic sign such as removing you from your support network/ wanting you to pay him attention/ calling you names/ shouting and swearing. It will get worse. Do you have family who would put you up for a while whil you get back on your feet. Does he know you're pregnant?

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TwinkleReturns · 09/09/2012 23:08

OP i think you are in an advanteagous position as you aren't married and you've already noticed that this behaviour isnt acceptable. These are red flags and he wont get better with time but much much worse.

It also sounds like its all about him. He split up with you because you weren't attentive enough? What is this, the 50's?? You shouldn't be expected to conform to his idea of attentiveness towards him! a relationship is a patnership, where you are cherished, respected, valued and loved. Shouting at you is not contributing to a patnership. Expecting you to be "attentive" is selfish and entitled, especially when he dishes out punishments for not meeting his standards in the form of ending things.

You need to think whether you would like to marry this man who Im sure you think is lovely most of the time but who shouts at you, no doubt terrifying your DCs and telling them that women can be dominated and controlled by angry men. Or you could cut your losses, leave this man and marry a loving man who has all the good qualities and some WITHOUT the shouting.

If you chose the first option fully aware that he is already showing signs of being controlling (shouting, standards etc) then you can expect to find yourself in a worse situation a year down the line. You can do better than this, and you can wise up NOW and avoid a man who is showing you loud and clear who he really is.

I really hope you take heed of the advice on here OP. i would be sad to see a new thread from you a year down the line run down by this man and trying to summon the strength to leave.

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MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 09/09/2012 23:09

Talk to someone in RL confused you have a lot going on. I'm not going to tell you to have a termination but you know how he treats the mother of his child.

Definitely go home. See your friends and family and hug them.

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