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Relationships

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Original poster

Financial arrangements when DP moves in

212 replies

stella47 · 09/09/2012 14:55

Hello, I'm looking for advice, suggestions or thoughts on how to arrange finances when my DP moves in.

We've been together for a year, but not living together. I earn about £39K before tax. He is currently unemployed but will initially be looking for jobs around £12 - 15K. I'm wondering whether or not I should expect him to contribute to bills, whether we should have a joint account etc. and would really welcome any suggestions or thoughts as to how other people do things. I currently live alone, in a house I have a mortgage on, no DCs. I get anxious over financial things, and have a fear of financial insecurity.

I haven't done this before (well, not successfully!) , and would really welcome thoughts on arrangements before we start out.

He left his last job some months ago, and isn't planning to start to look for work here until he arrives. Connected to that is that he seems to have a belief that he can't get a job because of a lack of qualifications. There is no practical reason that he couldn't - he's intelligent, physically able etc but seems to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in which he doesn't think he can get jobs or qualifications and so doesn't do anything towards it. I would be happy to support him towards doing anything he wants to do, but dont want to feel like I'm starting to "nag" him to do things.

I posted on a thread in chat and it was suggested that I start my own thread. On that thread a man was asking for opinions on financial arrangements with his wife who earned less - some people suggested that she should not be expected to contribute to household bills (the discrepancy between their salaries was high) and it's made me wonder a lot about how to do things. Thanks very much for any thoughts.

OP posts:

GoldShip · 09/09/2012 15:05

I earn 14, DP earns 20. He pays the rent, I pay bills. We alternate the weekly shop :)

Dunno if this helps but sometimes it's good to see what other people do?

GoldShip · 09/09/2012 15:06

But make sure he doesn't take you for a ride. I'd propose he got a job before moving in

hairytale · 09/09/2012 15:06

Are you serious? Don't move in with this guy until he has a job and has been in it for a while.

He sounds like a sponger with no ambition who will be happy to live off you.

Massive red flags here!

Fairylea · 09/09/2012 15:20

If he was unemployed and serious about applying for everything and doing all he could to find a job I'd say go for it (that was the situation my now dh was in when I met him - he was living on a sofa at his mums and was unepmployed...I owned my own house outright...he now works as a manager for 15k a year and I am now a stay at home mum)! But I see big red flags with all the issues your dp is putting up to finding a job... I think he can't really be arsed to be honest. Be careful.

The way we do our finances (we now have a joint mortgage) is that we have two bank accounts. All money goes in household one (food, bills, mortage etc) and then we transfer a set amount of spending money to the other to spend half each on whatever we like and days / meals out. We do not have "mine and yours" ev erything is ours, even though dh earns a wage and at one point I was earning more (now nothing! ) We just share everything.

BackforGood · 09/09/2012 15:24

I don't think it's the discrepancy in what you earn that's an issue, more the fact he's been without a job for months and "isn't planning to start looking for work here until he arrives" (do I take it he's moving here from abroad?).
I think it's the attitude rather than the actual cash I would be concerned about.

Original poster

stella47 · 09/09/2012 15:41

Thanks very much for your replies. I'm hoping that once he moves here he will do all he can to get a job. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want to live off me, and that that might be the spur that he needs to start doing stuff towards finding a job. To be honest, I'd kind of assumed he was already looking, as when we decided a month or so ago that he'd be coming over he was mentioning the type of work he was thinking of - I looked on line and there was certainly some about, so I was surprised when he said recently that he wasn't starting looking until he was here. I think he has difficulty doing more than one thing at once, and at the moment he's just thinking about the practicalities of moving (he's moving from another part of the country). He is very appreciative of me, and we've said if it doesn't work out then he'll move out - he'd rather we stay as a couple but don't live together if it doesn't work - probably neither of us are easy to live with!

OP posts:

Original poster

stella47 · 09/09/2012 15:43

And thanks GoldShip, it does help to hear what other people do. I'm hoping we can work towards - I pay mortgage, we split bills in proportion to our income (after tax?)

OP posts:

GoldShip · 09/09/2012 15:45

Yeah that sounds fair! Just please protect yourself and make sure he fully intends to get a job. Obviously you know him better than us so you can judge that.

travailtotravel · 09/09/2012 15:46

Can I suggest that you have a frank chat with DP BEFORE he moves in about your expectations. If financial security is really important to you - it is to me, I do our sums! - you need to know what is going to happen and budget for it.

Who is paying for food - and what that means (ie not takeaway every night, proper shop, and that includes the cleaning stuff etc et).

If he's not bringing money in, you can't go out every weekend and him expect you to pay for all of it (and those kind of things)

How long you are prepared to bank-roll him in effect, if you are.

Original poster

stella47 · 09/09/2012 15:51

Yes, that's a good idea, thanks. I've got three months in mind, but we haven't openly discussed it yet, just left it a bit vague as "if it doesn't work out" - I think maybe I need to say "if you're not working by then" - but I don't want to sound like his mother (or, indeed, be his mother!)

OP posts:

ThePieWhoLovedMe · 09/09/2012 15:52

We both put 60% of our wage into a account in my name by DD every month- which pays for bills, mortgage, childcare, kids clothes, food, holidays, eating out etc...

40% remains as a paersonal allowance to do what you want with - though we pay out own car staff & petrol / mobile phones / lunches for work / going out and activities.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 09/09/2012 15:54

I can't hear myself think because of all the alarm bells!

OP, please don't live with this man right now. Let him get a flat or something and find a job and stick to it for a while before he moves in with you. It's so important.

Oh and please do everything you can not to get pregnant yet (if that's what you want in the future.)

Keep yourself secure.

expatinscotland · 09/09/2012 15:57

Stella, this doesn't sound good, especially this: 'I'm hoping that once he moves here he will do all he can to get a job.' He shoul be doing all he can now! He's putting it off and his confidence issues and not being able to focus on more than one thing at once doesn't bode well.

Problem is, once he's moved in, it's going to be very hard to get him out even with deadlines.

How about he moves over, lives somewhere else, then when he gets a job and stays in it a while, you revisit the living arrangements?

Because this has red flags of someone who's going to become a freeloader.

AThingInYourLife · 09/09/2012 16:02

Split everything (other than mortgage - that's your house, your bill) 50-50.

You aren't married, you have no children. There is no reason for either of you to financially support the other just because you live in the same house.

Original poster

stella47 · 09/09/2012 16:05

I know - yesterday I was feeling that we shouldn't go ahead, then we spoke last night and he was saying that if I was anxious about it we didn't have to go ahead. I'm in two minds I do feel that he deserves a chance of some stability and not having to worry so much about money, and it might work out really well. He says he'd do all the stuff around the house etc while I'm not working, and make sure I get time to myself. On the other hand I know we have very different approaches to work/career, and I'm worried that he hasn't done any work over the last four months despite owing his landlord rent. Then I think maybe I'm underestimating how difficult it is to get temporary work - I don't know. Safe to say I'm confused at the moment!

OP posts:

aufaniae · 09/09/2012 16:09

I also am worried about the loud alarm bells here.

You sound like me in previous relationships, where I was too fucking nice for my own good, made excuses for my exes and ignored the obvious!

If he's making excuses now, what's stopping him making more excuses once he's moved in? Not bothering to look for work before he moves in smacks of taking you for granted IMO.

If he does move in, I agree you need to have a frank talk about how he's going to contribute towards bills.

Don't take anything towards the mortgage unless you have a formal agreement where he's renting from you and declares he's not entitled to a share of the flat, as (you should look this up to check, but ...) i think if he contributes towards the mortgage he might be entitled to a claim on your property if you split up!

aufaniae · 09/09/2012 16:11

"I do feel that he deserves a chance of some stability and not having to worry so much about money, and it might work out really well."

This is bad. You are not his mum!

Again it reminds me of myself in previous relationships, where I was ultimately taken for a ride!

AThingInYourLife · 09/09/2012 16:13

"I do feel that he deserves a chance of some stability and not having to worry so much about money"

First of all: NOOOOOOO!!!

Second of all: why does he deserve a holiday from adulthood at your expense?

Do you find dependency sexy?

Original poster

stella47 · 09/09/2012 16:15

Haha - no, I find the dependency bits very unsexy!

OP posts:

coppertop · 09/09/2012 16:25

If he's already ducking his financial responsibilities and not paying his landlord, the chances of him coughing up any money to you are somewhere between slim and none.

This man isn't going to have a personality transplant when he moves in with you.

"Didn't do the housework today, DP?"
"Oh, well you know I can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time..."

"No job yet, DP?"
"Well, I've just got to get XYZ done first and then I'll get round to it."

"Fancy coming to a restaurant tonight, DP?"
"Great idea! I've got no money but you wouldn't mind paying just this once would you....?"

Original poster

stella47 · 09/09/2012 16:28

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I think it would be more like we don't do anything (like going out to restaurants) that needs money because he'd feel bad about me paying so we wouldn't do it until we both had money.

OP posts:

hairytale · 09/09/2012 17:30

Even more red flags in your second and third posts!!

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold · 09/09/2012 17:43

OP whats going to happen with his landlord. Be careful you dont end up paying for the rent that he owes his landlord amongst other things.
Im with the posters who say let him move in somewhere else near you first.

Original poster

stella47 · 09/09/2012 17:46

This thread has been really helpful in helping me to sort my thoughts out. I've realised I've got two different things to work out 1. Should we go ahead with him moving in 2. What should the arrangements be if he does

I feel that if I was going to say no, I should have done so before now, and it would be a bit late as he's arranging removals etc. I think I will talk to him and tell him that my main worry is that he hasn't done any work for the last four months, and we should see is as a 3 (or 2?) month trial, and if he's not working by then he should find another arrangement. Does that sound reasonable? Would that sound like I'm being harsh about him not having had work?
Thank you for your thoughts. x

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 09/09/2012 17:46

'He says he'd do all the stuff around the house etc while I'm not working, and make sure I get time to myself. On the other hand I know we have very different approaches to work/career, and I'm worried that he hasn't done any work over the last four months despite owing his landlord rent.'

Stella, listen to your gut! It's ringing alarm bells for you already!

This guy isn't paying his landlord rent?! Yeah, because he's expecting to hole up free at your place while he looks for this evasive job, and sweetening you up with guilt trips and offering to do housework.

Tell him to move over and find a place of his own, get a job and then revisit living arrangements in a few months.

This has red flags waving madly.

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