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Original poster

Financial arrangements when DP moves in

212 replies

stella47 · 09/09/2012 14:55

Hello, I'm looking for advice, suggestions or thoughts on how to arrange finances when my DP moves in.

We've been together for a year, but not living together. I earn about £39K before tax. He is currently unemployed but will initially be looking for jobs around £12 - 15K. I'm wondering whether or not I should expect him to contribute to bills, whether we should have a joint account etc. and would really welcome any suggestions or thoughts as to how other people do things. I currently live alone, in a house I have a mortgage on, no DCs. I get anxious over financial things, and have a fear of financial insecurity.

I haven't done this before (well, not successfully!) , and would really welcome thoughts on arrangements before we start out.

He left his last job some months ago, and isn't planning to start to look for work here until he arrives. Connected to that is that he seems to have a belief that he can't get a job because of a lack of qualifications. There is no practical reason that he couldn't - he's intelligent, physically able etc but seems to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in which he doesn't think he can get jobs or qualifications and so doesn't do anything towards it. I would be happy to support him towards doing anything he wants to do, but dont want to feel like I'm starting to "nag" him to do things.

I posted on a thread in chat and it was suggested that I start my own thread. On that thread a man was asking for opinions on financial arrangements with his wife who earned less - some people suggested that she should not be expected to contribute to household bills (the discrepancy between their salaries was high) and it's made me wonder a lot about how to do things. Thanks very much for any thoughts.

OP posts:
maras2 · 09/09/2012 20:27

Bet you anything that he has a couple of kids tucked away somewhere.Stella,you sound lovely.Ditch this loser before you get hurt.Sorry if this sounds harsh but I've seen women that I've worked with being taken for a ride and this story sounds so familiar.Good luck.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 09/09/2012 20:40

Oh of COURSE he's got the removals man on standby! He HAS won the lottery!

I'm not saying this isn't a nice bloke. I just think though that once he's in your house you will not be able to get him out. Even if he does work in a low level job that he hates and that brings in little money, can you imagine what that will be like for you to live with? It's nice to come home from work and talk about your day. Is he going to be able to do that with you? Is he going to look hopeful that you'll say, "Oh well why don't you leave and get something else?"

Someone asked what you learned about relationships growing up. I'd also want to know what you've learned from previous boyfriends. You didn't like being used, did you? Can you see you're walking into that situation again?

I would love to see you make more local friends. You do need to have 'normal' friends to judge boyfriends by. If you're crap at choosing men, at least have a girlfriend who can vet him for you. Do you do much outside of work? What sort of hobbies do you have? How do you like to spend your free time? Whereabouts in the country are you?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 09/09/2012 20:41

Plenty of people in their 40s go to university and succeed in making a better career for themselves, but they are driven and determined and focused on a future goal. That's the difference. Your man isn't going to do that, from what you said about his view of qualifications.

travailtotravel · 09/09/2012 20:42

Just to chip in, I have an ambition to win the lotttery, it doesn't make me a loser. I also have a professional ambition that I am doing part time study towards, and a personal ambition which I am also casually studying for, while I work full time.

AThingInYourLife · 09/09/2012 20:50

Wanting to win the lottery is not an ambition.

An ambition is not something you pursue with a bi-weekly trip tonthe newsagent.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 09/09/2012 20:56

I agree with AThingInYourLife. An ambition can't be satisfied by giving someone a pound coin and putting six little marks on a piece of paper.

An ambition is something you're working towards.

msrisotto · 09/09/2012 21:11

Massive red flags Stella! He needs to be independent before moving in with you. You deserve a fully functioning adult and there is no motivation for him to get a job if he can live comfortably off you! Once he has a job and has paid his own rent (red flags on that alone, let alone the million ready made excuses he's got you spouting!) then he will have proved that he is trustworthy. Don't be taken for a mug!

travailtotravel · 09/09/2012 21:12

Fair enough - I'd like to win it though. My point being, I am busy working on achieving other things and not actually expecting it to happen ... as the OP's OH should also be.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/09/2012 21:24

He is 4 months behind with rent. He does not care that his landlord is now probably struggling to pay the mortgage on his property.

Let me guess, he stopped working the moment he realized he could actually get somewhere with you. A lovely (but naive) woman with a good salary and who owns her own home, willing to let him come and live with him, in exchange for what?

He has told you his ambition is to get money to land in his lap rather than get qualifications and earn money. Well, he is nearly there, isnt he?

You dont really know this man. You only know what he has told you. I dont understand how he could not look for work, and line up interviews!

Please dont move a stranger, such a loser into your life! Can he not live elsewhere, rent and work, while you date and get to know eachother?

Original poster
stella47 · 09/09/2012 21:30

Thank you for all your advice. I've spoken to him - he sounded subdued when I phoned, and said that he thought that I was waiting for him to say that it wasn't a good idea for him to come over. I explained my concerns i.e. that he didn't seem to be in any hurry to find a job, and that I was concerned that he hadn't been working despite owing money to his landlord. He said he was really upset that I had thought that of him, and that his intention had been to get a job as soon as he got over here. He has decided that it is not going to work as I have been thinking that of him, and he's going to think about things and probably arrange to make different arrangements where he is now.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 09/09/2012 21:34

He's suddenly not so keen now you don't sound like you are easily taken for a ride. Put yourself in his shoes, if it were me, I would really understand your concerns and it wouldn't put me off if I was that keen in the first place.

expatinscotland · 09/09/2012 21:36

He's right, it's not going to work because he needs to prove to you that he's not a cocklodger, and moving over having voluntarily left his job and making no effort to get another when you owe someone money for rent (but he has money for removals?) is cocklodging.

Don't let him worm his way into your relenting or make you feel guilty.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/09/2012 21:36

Well, he has not gone out of his way to prove you wrong? He is backing out because you "thought bad of him". I think you have had a lucky escape.

tribpot · 09/09/2012 21:37

He said he was really upset that I had thought that of him

That he hasn't been working despite owing money to his landlord? But that is just a fact.

I find it quite suspicious that he's reacted quite strongly to the mere suggestion that he might have to pay his own way if he moves to where you are. Perhaps it's just a defensive mechanism because he feels criticised, in which case he may realise this in a couple of days and change his mind. Perhaps he realises you've got a bit too close to the truth and you aren't going to be the easy touch he had in mind.

Either way I know it must be very hurtful for you now, but I would let him alone for a couple of days to see whether he gets his head together.

I see from re-reading your OP that you've been together for a year - that's a long time not to introduce him to any of your friends. Did you get a sense it was going to be easier to keep the relationship just between the two of you and not integrate him into your everyday life?

Original poster
stella47 · 09/09/2012 21:43

It was more that he was only here for weekends, and I'm not that sociable that I would see my friends every weekend. I was hoping he'd meet them soon once here though. I told him about my thoughts about his lottery winning plans - he said that he agreed, and that he'd thought of stopping buying tickets because it wasn't a realistic plan.

OP posts:
coppertop · 09/09/2012 21:48

"He has decided that it is not going to work as I have been thinking that of him, and he's going to think about things and probably arrange to make different arrangements where he is now."

I think you were supposed to feel sorry for him and tell him to come and live with you.

Interesting that there is still no real action on his part. He's going to think about things. Oh and he will probably make some arrangements where he is now ie he's about to be evicted for non-payment of rent so has no choice in moving out of his current home.....

expatinscotland · 09/09/2012 21:51

He owes his landlord 4 months rent - as Quint points out, it's possible that landlord is now having real difficulty meeting the mortgage on the place if it has one, but has money for lottery tickets and removal companies?

Stella, I think I'd take a BIG step back from this relationship. You deserve so much more.

panicnotanymore · 09/09/2012 21:56

Oh he's clever this one - thrown the whole bottom lip stuck out routine.

'Poor little me.... well if you are going to think horrible things about me I'm going to go away and then you'll be sorry.....'

Smart lad.

I think this is the point where you are expected to run after him saying 'wait , wait, I'm soooo sorry I was mean... you come and live with me and forget I ever mentioned the nasty work idea'.

Only you are NOT going to do that OP. Please promise you won't.

If he had any work ethic what so ever, and knew the meaning of fair, he would be doing all the part time work he could find to pay his landlord. He is effectively stealing from his landlord. If he'll do that where he has a contracted obligation to pay he will definitely do that to you.

If you love this man, let him move down to your area, and rent somewhere, pay his own bills, and be independent, and have a grown up relationship with him. Don't turn into a cross between his mum and his financial guarantor.

Original poster
stella47 · 09/09/2012 21:58

Yes, I really didn't want to be in the position of feeling like mum/nagging person. He doesn't have money for removals company, I was going to lend it to him.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 09/09/2012 22:00

"he'd thought of stopping buying tickets because it wasn't a realistic plan."

:o

He considers winning the lottery to be a plan?

Holy shit, Baldrick.

Original poster
stella47 · 09/09/2012 22:01

He came across as astonished that I could think that he wasn't planning to work, and I did end up feeling bad that I could have suggested that - he has been saying that he plans to find a job once he gets here. I was just taken aback hearing over the last couple of days that he didn't plan to look until he was here, and that he owes his landlord.

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 09/09/2012 22:03

Probably a lucky escape, stella but obviously quite hurtful time for you to, so do be careful that he doesn't take advantage of your vulnerability.

expatinscotland · 09/09/2012 22:03

'He doesn't have money for removals company, I was going to lend it to him.'

You mean give it to him. So you were supposed to pay for him to move in with you, lodge him for free whilst he gave you excuses why he hasn't found a job and not nag him.

Now he has to think about things, not do anything, but think about them.

This is his giving you space during which he probably thinks you'll come back and say, yeah, come and cocklodge at mine, free of charge.

Don't.

skyebluesapphire · 09/09/2012 22:05

I know the thread has taken a different turn since it started, but for reference

when my STBXH got together and he moved into my house, we opened a joint account and split all bills equally apart from the mortgage which I continued to pay as it was my house. I also paid the buildings insurance. All utilities food etc was split equally as we were both using it.

I earned more than him at that time. He paid for Sky tv as he wanted that and I didnt have it.

PeshwariNaan · 09/09/2012 22:23

A real partner would say, "honey, what do I have to do to make you confident in the relationship we'll have as a shared household?" - find a job, etc. Not lash out at you for suggesting such a thing.

I'm a student without income at the moment and I'm pregnant, so unfortunately DH is shouldering the household costs. I'm sympathetic to this and try to make his life as easy as possible. When I can I'm going to apply for jobs (post-baby) and take some of the burden away. We don't have a joint account though - even though we're married.