Financial arrangements when DP moves in

[stella47]

Hello, I'm looking for advice, suggestions or thoughts on how to arrange finances when my DP moves in.

We've been together for a year, but not living together. I earn about £39K before tax. He is currently unemployed but will initially be looking for jobs around £12 - 15K. I'm wondering whether or not I should expect him to contribute to bills, whether we should have a joint account etc. and would really welcome any suggestions or thoughts as to how other people do things. I currently live alone, in a house I have a mortgage on, no DCs. I get anxious over financial things, and have a fear of financial insecurity.

I haven't done this before (well, not successfully!) , and would really welcome thoughts on arrangements before we start out.

He left his last job some months ago, and isn't planning to start to look for work here until he arrives. Connected to that is that he seems to have a belief that he can't get a job because of a lack of qualifications. There is no practical reason that he couldn't - he's intelligent, physically able etc but seems to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in which he doesn't think he can get jobs or qualifications and so doesn't do anything towards it. I would be happy to support him towards doing anything he wants to do, but dont want to feel like I'm starting to "nag" him to do things.

I posted on a thread in chat and it was suggested that I start my own thread. On that thread a man was asking for opinions on financial arrangements with his wife who earned less - some people suggested that she should not be expected to contribute to household bills (the discrepancy between their salaries was high) and it's made me wonder a lot about how to do things. Thanks very much for any thoughts.

Why isn't he looking for a job now - with the internet it isn't necessary for him to have to travel on a regular basis. He should be submitting CVs and getting responses. If he's not doing this and he hasn't worked for 4 months then he is drifting and very happy to continue to drift. I can't see what will change when he moves in with you (when there is less financial pressure) - will he suddenly change and become motivated???

My guess is that you will lose respect for him very quickly. Why you fall for guys like this? Because you set the bar too low and maybe you have a mindset that says you don't 'deserve' a man who's capable of being your equal. How old are you both?

'Would it be foolish to suggest that we go ahead with the move, I give him time limit of two months - I think he would stick to it, and I'd have to make sure that I did.'

YES! It would be very foolish. He's an adult now, he has to take responsibility for that, not use his upbringing as an excuse or use others like an emotional vampire.

Stop kidding yourself, stella, you've been in this situation before. Why do you want to go there again?

We're both in our 40's

do either of you have DCs?

is there anything to stop him moving in then refusing to look for a job? would you kick him out?

if you have DCs together in the future will he be the main carer because he earns less?

is he used to a frugal standard of living? Who will be paying for food/holidays?

if he is home all day your fuel bills will go up btw and you will lose your single person ctax discount

is he maybe depressed?

And you do not need to suggest anything, compromise, etc. This is your house.

What do you mean coming over here? Where is he? Please please please be careful, you sound like a very caring person OP but this really sounds like he is playing the guilt card and taking advantage of your caring nature.

No DCs, and he is used to a frugal standard of living. We couldn't really do holidays until he could afford it too - I can't afford it for both of us. I did wonder if he might be depressed - he's certainly been very low about his situation, and I think has been feeling trapped in it and not knowing how to get out. He says that he can see light at the end of the tunnel by coming over here and having a plan to look for work.

Sorry Stella but the answer is still the same from me in that its a no. Infact this is a non starter of a relationship altogether. You are very different people.

I am sorry to read he has had a rough start in life but you cannot rescue or save someone. He does not want your help, only to put his feet under your table.
By trying to help him by him moving into your own home you are doing just that; you are facilitating and enabling his ongoing behaviours of not working or paying rent to his landlord for the last 4 months. Am certain his landlord will be glad to be rid of his unwelcome tenant.

You will not be able to stick to even a two month time limit because he will talk you around again.

Again, what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. I have a feeling you learnt some pretty damaging lessons.

'He says that he can see light at the end of the tunnel by coming over here and having a plan to look for work. '

Stella, this person is manipulating you and playing a guilt trip on your caring nature.

How is he supporting himself currently? Have you asked him how he is envisaging contributing towards household costs? Have you asked what he thinks he should be contributing?

Imo, you pay the mortgage and everything else should be 50:50. From day one.

He has not paid rent for awhile. How could he rent here with that background? He is just running away from what he owes and what kind of values does that show? He cannot rent here, that is why he wants free lodging with you. Don't do it!

oh no so now he's using you to get a visa?

You can claim housing benefit while working so it definitely isn't because he hasn't yet been out of work for six months.

You sound like you have very different ambitions and expectations from life. It isn't your responsibility to provide him with stability - support him of course but he doesn't have to live in your house for you to do that.

Good luck with your decision.

No, he doesn't need a visa - he's just in a different part of the country.

His "ambition" is to win the lottery?

:o

What a loser.

You don't know this guy well enough to move him into your home.

Even if he weren't a cocklodger (and he is), if you met him online you have no social context for this guy. Your friends don't know him. You don't know the people who call him friend. All you know of him is the picture he has painted of himself.

That's not the most reliable source of information.

Added to the long-distance thing where you see each other for short, intense bursts of shagging but no day to day hum drum existence...

You are about to allow someone you barely know move into your home and your bed.

The definite facts:

He has no job, no qualifications, no ambition.

He doesn't pay his bills even when he has nobody to cover them for him.

Do NOT let him move in ever yet.

Stella, he's a cocklodger.

I have asked what he thinks he should be contributing - he thinks 50:50 once he's working, and that he'll pay the difference in council tax. I didn't know that about housing benefit - why would he have not claimed it to pay his landlord then? (impossible question I know)

"He had a really rough start in life - very abusive family, then in care, homeless etc, so didn't go to school much, and has a belief that people from his background can't succeed."

Without even reading the rest, this is a massive red flag! Not that he's had a bad past, but that you're bringing it up as relevant to this issue now.

Both my exes who were spongers had a really tough start in life. Because of that, I made excuses for them. I didn't judge them by the same standards as I'd expect from myself. But that was a mistake. My last sponger ex, often blamed problems in his life on his past. it used to drive one of my best friends crazy as she'd had a awful start in life too, but never used it as an excuse for anything.

This man has an attitude problem. Yes, he may well be depressed.

But this relationship is not healthy. You are being his social worker / mum. You are putting his needs before yours

YOU CAN'T FIX HIM!!! (Sorry to shout, but i wish my friends has shouted that at me a bit ) more! It was so obvious to them what was going on, but I couldn't see it at first.

This man has made it to his 40s without dealing with his past (if that is indeed the problem which stops him getting a job). Moving in with you is not going to magically fix this.

He's not working, left his job without another one to pay the bills, hasn't bothered to look for work, and owes his landlord 4 months of rent.

Haven't read most of the replies yet so maybe I shouldn't comment but I feel compelled to - don't do it yet! Look after yourself first and foremost.

I think you are sounding quite the opposite to harsh.

I think you shouldn't be moving him in - even I'd he has starred arranging removals. Not until he has proven himself by getting

• and retaining - a job.

"his ambition is "to win the lottery""
And he sort of has, hasn't he? He's persuaded a single woman with her own home and a good income to take him into her home, and I reckon he's pretty sure he can stay come up with 'reasons' why he's unemployed for oooh, quite some time. Jackpot!

Sorry Stella but you really need to take a step back from this man, he will suck you dry. He might have you convinced he would 'feel bad' about you paying his way, but I'd bet good money he'll have no difficulty letting you do just that.

Once he's got his foot in the door he'd be extremely difficult to dislodge.

I don't know why he wouldn't have claimed housing benefit, has he claimed jobseekers allowance? As I think you can't claim that for a while if you leave a job voluntarily (not my area of expertise so not sure) so maybe he thinks the same rules apply to housing benefit? He doesn't seem very proactive about life, maybe he hasn't made enquiries?

How long have you actually been with him? I'm sorry to ask this but how much of his back story can you actually verify as true?

I really really think you need to take up his offer to hold off on living together whilst you get to know each other better 'in the real world' - as it sounds a bit like you've been living in a bubble where it's just the two of you up until now? By all means he can move to where you are, but not with his feet under your table. The guy couldn't get seasonal work to pay his rent - in the summer? Is that really likely?

So you currently have an income of £39k for one person to live on, and presumably freedom to go out when you like.

If this man moves in you will essentially be supporting two adults on the same amount of money, unable to go out anywhere and unable to go on holiday.

It doesn't sound like a great future for you.

He might even let you talk him into going to college, but guess who will be paying for it? And all with no guarantee whatsoever that he will look for a job if he passes his exams.