Financial arrangements when DP moves in

[stella47]

Hello, I'm looking for advice, suggestions or thoughts on how to arrange finances when my DP moves in.

We've been together for a year, but not living together. I earn about £39K before tax. He is currently unemployed but will initially be looking for jobs around £12 - 15K. I'm wondering whether or not I should expect him to contribute to bills, whether we should have a joint account etc. and would really welcome any suggestions or thoughts as to how other people do things. I currently live alone, in a house I have a mortgage on, no DCs. I get anxious over financial things, and have a fear of financial insecurity.

I haven't done this before (well, not successfully!) , and would really welcome thoughts on arrangements before we start out.

He left his last job some months ago, and isn't planning to start to look for work here until he arrives. Connected to that is that he seems to have a belief that he can't get a job because of a lack of qualifications. There is no practical reason that he couldn't - he's intelligent, physically able etc but seems to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in which he doesn't think he can get jobs or qualifications and so doesn't do anything towards it. I would be happy to support him towards doing anything he wants to do, but dont want to feel like I'm starting to "nag" him to do things.

I posted on a thread in chat and it was suggested that I start my own thread. On that thread a man was asking for opinions on financial arrangements with his wife who earned less - some people suggested that she should not be expected to contribute to household bills (the discrepancy between their salaries was high) and it's made me wonder a lot about how to do things. Thanks very much for any thoughts.

he wont leave after two months. why would he? nice home, woman to support him. and you cant really expect him to up and move everything for just two months with no back up if it doesn't work. where do you suppose he will go given he will move everything to be with you? .

let him get a job in your area and live in a room for a few months first.

I can't believe you're still going to move this moocher in. Trial basis, my arse. He will not leave.

Stella, here are the facts: you could have these ultimately fruitless conversations with him from now till the world ends, he is still someone who isn't working, can't seem to keep a job, doesn't seek to change his lot in life at all, has taken money from you for rent but is still behind in it, will take more money from you to get his feet under your table (you didn't loan him anything, you gave it to him because he doesn't have and never will have the means to pay you back) and everything is always someone or something else's fault.

You have a pattern of enabling such lazy people. Why? Don't you think you deserve better?

As for your family, a) tell them the truth b) they're not paying your mortgage, you are.

It's sad that an intelligent, successful person like you thinks she deserves such a loser.

'Oh, and he's always telling me what nice things he'd do for me/what a nice life we'll have when he wins the lottery - I'm gonna say that I'm hoping for a bit more than "I love you so much that I'll buy a lottery ticket".... '

FFS, Stella, that's just stoopid.

What a shocking man.

If he's on £15k and you on £39k...
He still pays 1/2 towards bills and mortgage, after your building society/lender have got a disclaimer from him.

Sure, you have more disposable, maybe you pay for more (not all) when going out.

If you're on £39k and he's on £0?
Maybe give him a months rent for a room/flat near you while he gets a job.
No loans other than that.

You did not tell your family the truth. If they knew all the facts, then would they think the idea is a good one? He is fortyish and has accomplished nothing. He has a poor character as he plans on skipping out on the rent he owes.

Do something nice for yourself. He isn't it!

'He is open to trying to do things differently, and I want to see if there is a way of working this out (but he has to do the work, not me) - '

You already ARE doing the work, stella - working for the money to 'lend' him, to get him over here, to sort out qualifications. If he's open to doing things differently, why hasn't he by now? Let me tell you, because, while I'm sure he's nice, he's lazy and can't make the effort.

He's in his 40s and he thinks winning the lottery is a real enough possibility that he doesn't need to do anything else to change his circumstances. Oh, except move in with you.

Please don't do it.

You haven't told your family the truth because you know it would change their view of him entirely, and you know what they would say.

They'd say exactly what we're saying.

Don't do it Stella, this isn't a game.

You have as much chance of getting rid of him after 2 months of sponging off you as he has of winning the lottery.

OP, please don't do it.

You said that you have a fear of financial insecurity, having him move in will make your financial position far worse as you will be supporting him 100% of the time. Food bills will go up and the utility bills will increase as the heating/tellY/computer will be on all day, not to mention telephone calls. You will have to pay the full rate of council tax. When his creditors find out where he moved to they will be banging on your door asking for money. (I have seen this happen to someone else in my bedsit days, when her cocklodger's creditors banged on the front door, he went scuttling out into the back garden and over the wall.) If you are very unlucky He may steal from you to pay for drink/fags/drugs.

It might be all nice and cosy for a week or two, but then the cold reality will set in.

I get the feeling you are going to go ahead anyway.....but PLEASE DO NOT GET A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT.

miserly or moneysaving

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Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thinked my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!

Above is an old post of mine that i posted on another site about my ex cocklodger.
I ummed and awed about copying and pasting it here OP but i wanted you to see what life could be like with him.
With my ex cocklodger everything was always someone elses fault too. He had a real "victim" mentality.
Never had enough money to do a food shop but always enough money for fags or to change his mobile phone every three months. Please reconsider this very carefully OP.

Darkesteyes I think you have the wrong end of the stick. I just think he is crap with money and the OP will end up having to support him and pay off all his debts, and love with turn to resentment.

I had a "crap-with-money-cocklodger type" with move in with me - it was all nice and cosy to start. It was nice to come home the first evening from work and he had cooked a meal. I knew I would have to pay more for food and bills, and pay for all trips out, but I thought how nice to live together.

Within a few weeks, he was demanding I cook his dinner as soon as I got in the door, ran up parking tickets when he borrowed my car (to see his ex during the day it turned out!), went through all my belongings looking for cash for fags and drink, went through my financial papers to see how much I had in savings and then demanded I buy him his own second-hand car with it etc.

I have friends who have have similar experiences with dope-smoking "musicians", wanna-be "writers/comedians", work-shy drifters etc. We look back and think "Why on earth did we let these bums move in with us!"

Sorry Darkesteyes cross-posted!

Oh, but this one is going to be different, of course. He's nice, not like all those horrible cocklodgers. What is 'nice' about a 40-something year old person who can't stay employed, takes money from his girlfriend for rent but still owes his landlord money, blames his lack of work on everything and everyone else but himself? And again, if he's not getting JSA, how on Earth is he buying food, power, etc? Bet good ol' stella is 'lending' him money to tide him over until he gets a 'quick' job (a real adult would have already done so, because there's no other way to pay bills).

Hey, there's no such thing as a sponger if there aren't suckers around.

All I can say is, Stella, if you go along with it and then it does turn pear-shaped and you can't get him out, please don't be too embarrassed to post here again for help. You will get sympathy and practical suggestions. I think most of us realise that it's a whole lot easier to stand outside someone's relationship and observe the red flags. We're not the ones who snuggle up in bed with the fellow, who hear his warm voice telling us nice, kind, sensible things, who have little in-jokes with him, who have corresponded so long we believe we know him inside and out. We only see him as your words on a screen, and selected words at that. However, most of us have had our own equivalent at some point and don't want to see anyone else taken for a similar ride. We're not just trying to break up a potentially good thing out of spite or envy. We genuinely believe, from experience, observation and common sense, that this really is not going to turn out well.

You're planning to adopt an adult human being like a stray dog. It's a great way to obtain a pet, but not suitable for a life partner. Some posters have had penniless OHs where it has worked out well in the long term, but as they've been careful to point out, the indicators are different. They at least clearly had a spark of ambition and were not afraid of hard work (and paid their debts). All this man has offered so far are dreams, which are all very nice but they don't pay the bills.

"Oh, and he's always telling me what nice things he'd do for me/what a nice life we'll have when he wins the lottery"

Sorry to trot out a cliche but actions really do speak louder than words. I'm sure he's nice to you, and says nice things, else why would you be spending time with him in the first place? But the clue is in his means of getting there! The chances of you having a nice life / him being able to do the nice things for you he wants to rest on random chance hitting him! He has no real plan to get to a point where he can share a nice life with you. It isn't going to happen.

Stella one thing I learnt the hard way is that you have to take people for what they actually are, not live in the past (making excuses for their behaviour / character / situation) or the future (imagining how it could be, if only ... )

The reality is this man is a waster. He has no ambition but plenty of excuses. He does not know or care how to get a decent job.

You cannot cure him! You have to take him how he is, and if that's not good enough (and it isn't!!) then he's really not for you.

Giving someone an ultimatum that he has to find work in 2 months is treating him like a child. And after two months he really will be hard to move out I reckon!

Why move him in in the first place? You are not doing it because you think it's the right thing in terms of your relationship, you're doing it to help him. Your help is sadly misplaced. He needs to stand on his own two feet, your are further infantalising him by making his problems your problems.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I have acted like you, probably even worse (you haven't mentioned any alcohol or drug problems, my last cocklodger had both. What a fool I was!!)

It is because you are a nice, loving person that you want to help people. But it also leaves you wide open to being used, and you are most definitely being used here. He may be lovely to you, great in bed, very loving (my last cocklodger was) but after a while these things won't seem so important when you realise how deep his problems run, when he makes his problems your responsibility and when you come to actually understand that he is never going to have a clue how to be a responsible adult like the rest of us.

You are taking on a child-man. Don't expect him to grow up just because you care. He won't.

Please keep in touch with us. You are letting your good nature cloud your judgement, and you may need some help with his bullshit and excuses - I am sure there will be more to come!

Why does he not do anything for you NOW?

Why does he not want to move to a flat share, find a job NOW, and move in with you after dating a bit?

You know why? He cant be bothered. It is easier to have found a gullible woman to sponge off. And give her some nice words to listen to.

But I agree you must come and post for help when it goes pear shaped, nobody will say "told you so". I can guarantee this.

Was going to suggest 50% of each income so yes the main earner to pay more

Then read all replys. Seems he wants to sponge off you and think he has no intntion to get a job

Even if he works in his local sains or 99p store or Macdonalds etc earning nmw it's a start

I find it weird you have been together for a year and not met any of your friends - assume you have also paid for everything if go out ?

He needs to prove hisself to you

If you do stay with him then I would also get a cohabitation agreement drawn up as your house and dont want him moving in ad then claiming half of your house if you break up a year down the line

Exactly, Quint. What's wrong with a 'quick' job or short-term job NOW? Why didn't he get one of those the second he quit the last job, or even, before he left the last one so he could pay rent and save up to move the way adults do? Because it's easier to sponge off stella is why.

Really wonder how he's feeding himself and paying for power when he doesn't get JSA.

I cleaned toilets in a Care Home when I needed a job, it's called being an adult and earning a living.
This guy sounds like such a loser.
Wonder if he has a massive cock, or just is one

On a practical note - I can see no respectable reason why he's not looking for a job in Stella's area already. So much jobhunting is online these days. You go to Plus jobseekers.direct.gov.uk/homepage.aspx? website, put in a postcode and a radius, and it lists all the jobs within that radius of the postcode. Ask yourself Stella - why has he not done this? Plus, there are loads of temporary jobs listed too. As a singleton you can do any shifts, so can consider most of these jobs. If you're out of work and have bills to pay, why would you not do that? It makes no sense, unless he is looking to make himself so pitiful/forlorn that someone else will pay his bills for him. (Do not be that person, Stella!)

your original post talked about joint finances but there are no joint finances. there ar eonly your finances and how will you stretch your salary to voer two people ?

not while he has no job. and no money savings anything .

are you prepared to keep him for as long as he feels like it?

as one poster said - sure take him on as a human pet to be looked after if you chose to, but be unde rno illusion that once he is in your home being fed and watered he will have no incentive to get a job or leave when you say so.

Hi Stella.

I've been in a similar position to you with a BF trying to move in with me and although he never did he still ended up costing me several thousand pounds.

It was a few years ago (different username) and I'm ashamed to say expat gave me all the sound avice she's giving you now - in advance - and I ignored it. It still haunts me now, how naive I was and how trusting. Believe me if he f*s you over it will batter your self-esteem, totally.

My ex lied about his job, saying he was self-employed but in a rut, I lent him money for 'advertising' and 'paying for his qualifications' . I even spent hours with my tiny DS roaming the streets leafletting doors for his business. I assumed he was doing the same, but actually he was at home sleeping, or buying amphetamines, or spending it on other women. He even feigned serious illness at one point and I covered his business losses for that period.

Be aware that your partner is living at a distance and you might not be the only woman he is playing for money. My ex was constantly saying we should move in together, he wanted me to move into his place, he made it seem like it was coming from a place of love and cementing a relationship but actually it was because he could no longer afford his rent and he wanted someone else to shoulder the burden. Thank god I never went that far, in fact the only reason I didn't (because he was talking marriage and all sorts) was because the house he was in was in an area I wasn't keen on.

He also played the depression card very cannily. He'd come over for a visit, be quiet, a bit moody, get tearful, get the shakes in the night, and I'd have to ask and ask what was wrong and then, at painful length, it was "money, again...I'm really struggling, I don't know what to do, I want to kill myself," etc etc.

My advice: protect yourself at all costs, even if in the first instance it feels like you are being cynical and paranoid. You aren't.

Also, don't assume people have the same standards as you. You're not the type of person who would move in with someone and sponge off them and lie to them. Sadly lots of people are. When I found out the truth about my ex I spent days weeping in sheer disbelief that someone would or could behave that way to someone they professed to love. I felt dirty and used, like he'd only been f*ing me for money, basically. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

I might also add that my ex said the exact same thing as your BF, "I swear to you I will get a written arrangement drawn up to pay you back everything you've given me." Never happened. He was also very clever about not taking cheques (every time it was always urgent, his bank account was frozen, blah blah blah), everything I gave him was cash, so there was not even any record of the loan.

I am so worried for you. I repeat what I said that he may have other women on the boil, being an internet dater and living at some distance. My ex certainly did.

I write only from the POV of also having been completely conned. I was in my early 30s (I'm 41 now). Believe me, it was a highly unpleasant and costly experience I don't care to see anyone else go through.

As cestlavie has said, the title of your post is a misnomer as there are NO joint finances.

Having read all 8 pages of your post, it would seem you are intent on importing a man in much the same way as some sleazebags buy the services of Thai brides and the like.

This loser man may or may not be entitled to JS allowance in your area but, once he's got his feet under your table, what will that matter to him?

You'll be housing, clothing, and feeding him and will no doubt be required to give him a generous weekly allowance for his personal expediture.

In return he'll provide you with sexual services and may possibly run a hoover around the house now and again.

Once you start doing the sums you'll realise that you'll be considerably better off financially by employing a cleaner a couple of hours a week and investing in a rampant rabbit, or making yourself available for one night stands or a fwb arrangement with an accomodating male who doesn't require paymentaccomodation.

Why settle for a sub-standard man who'll drain your purse and reduce your currently comfortable income to barely being able to manage on it, when you can have one who's more than fit for purpose?

Are you really as desperately needy and delusional as you've come across here? You surely know that you'll not get this one out after 2 months and you'll be lucky if you're able to get shot of him within a year. In the interim you'll have wasted valuable time which could have been spent engaging with other men, one of whom may be your Mr Right.

If your family is keen to see him move in with you, suggest that they house him while he's 'looking' for employment.