Financial arrangements when DP moves in

[stella47]

Hello, I'm looking for advice, suggestions or thoughts on how to arrange finances when my DP moves in.

We've been together for a year, but not living together. I earn about £39K before tax. He is currently unemployed but will initially be looking for jobs around £12 - 15K. I'm wondering whether or not I should expect him to contribute to bills, whether we should have a joint account etc. and would really welcome any suggestions or thoughts as to how other people do things. I currently live alone, in a house I have a mortgage on, no DCs. I get anxious over financial things, and have a fear of financial insecurity.

I haven't done this before (well, not successfully!) , and would really welcome thoughts on arrangements before we start out.

He left his last job some months ago, and isn't planning to start to look for work here until he arrives. Connected to that is that he seems to have a belief that he can't get a job because of a lack of qualifications. There is no practical reason that he couldn't - he's intelligent, physically able etc but seems to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in which he doesn't think he can get jobs or qualifications and so doesn't do anything towards it. I would be happy to support him towards doing anything he wants to do, but dont want to feel like I'm starting to "nag" him to do things.

I posted on a thread in chat and it was suggested that I start my own thread. On that thread a man was asking for opinions on financial arrangements with his wife who earned less - some people suggested that she should not be expected to contribute to household bills (the discrepancy between their salaries was high) and it's made me wonder a lot about how to do things. Thanks very much for any thoughts.

He may well not mean to sponge off you, just as he didn't mean to lose his job, or not pay his LL enough rent or lose his flat.

Doesn't mean he's not going to.

Oh God, i don't want to add negativity but do you know if the hb goes straight to landlord or goes to him and he has spent it and needs to run away??
Maybe its a crazy idea and not true but just in case...

We are all strangers here and we don't know him so you just have to see yourself if our scenarios make any sense and if they ring any alarms.

But surely if he is on hb he could continue on hb and rent a room in your area for few months and then see how its going. Did he not have a look at jobs in your area, not even curiousity?

If he leaves owing the LL rent, I'm not sure if he'll be entitled to HB where you are anyway? (You should check this so you know where you stand).

So if you do give him a 2 month "trial", are you really going to be strong enough to kick him out onto the street? Or would you be stuck with effectively looking after him because of your good nature?

I think owing rent is classed making yourself "intentionally homeless".

Has the LL given him notice?

Is he being evicted?

"In fact I suspect he is doing a bit of 'running away' by moving to you."

Very perceptive from Chitchat.

I think this is exactly what he's doing - he thinks throwing his lot in with you is going to sort out his life for him.

And until yesterday, I think you were quite happy with that.

All he needs is a break and a someone to support him, right?

I never thought he sounded like an intentional piss taker, just a hopeless case who isn't able to function as a successful adult and who is quite happy to let you rescue him and take charge.

For now.

Ultimately this kind of thing never stays happy.

Reading this thread, somehow I was inexorably reminded of .

Well, the lovely Alice and the jazz musician joke made me smile - thank you x

You deserve to laugh and smile, stella, not worry over an adult who just can't seem to keep it together but has an excuse for it all.

But if it really was Alice you would, wouldn't you? As would we all, I'm sure. (At least he could pay his way...)

Stellar, listen to these very wise ladies, if you read the threads in relationships you will see they are very rarely wrong with their advice. You have asked for advice, you must know in your heart that this guy is no good, please don't make the mistake of falling for this guys stories and bollocks. You have everything going for you, you're better than this, you deserve better than this.

I also bet the HB has been paid directly into his bank account and he has been spending it instead of paying his rent.

Oh dear, Stella, you sound like a very kind person about to be taken for a very long ride. Please don't do this - at best, having him at your address will ruin your credit rating. Living with someone who doesn't work and can't even pay their rent is really no way to live.

And once he's moved in, you'll have a terrible job getting him to leave without paying the deposit and first couple of months rent to set him up somewhere else.

It'll always be someone else's fault, too. He's depressed, has a poor credit rating, no one wants to hire him (Waaa, I don't have qualifications, I can only focus on one thing at a time blah blah blah).

Fair enough, if you want to continue, then he moves over and gets another place to live, gets a JOB and stays with it for a while, builds up a savings, even.

But it'll be 'Stella doesn't believe in me.' 'I have nowhere else to go, I'm being evicted' 'I'm homeless' and look, he's doing nothing about this, not getting short-term work or any work to stop it, waiting for you to back down.

Very interesting, how his last long-term relationship broke down and then the better job went down the pan.

I've been in that situation, relatively new partner, lost my job from redundancy, he was like, 'Just move in', he had a mortgage, a good job, I was living in a flatshare, age 29.

I wouldn't. Because I wanted to move in on as much an equal footing as possible (not entirely possible because he was a medical professional more advanced in his career) but waited till I'd found a perm job and was in it for 6 months, then gave my month's notice at my flat and was able to contribute to bills, pay my own moving costs to get out, etc.

You say he's not claiming JSA, as he left the job voluntarily, how exactly is he covering his living costs (assuming the HB covers most of the rent)? Be honest, have you been 'lending' him money?

Expat, thank you for all your thoughtful replies. I am still thinking about what you have said. Yes, I have lent him some money, one month's rent - he says he wants to organise a proper written arrangement for paying it back (get a job quick and pay it back from your first pay packet would work for me!)

And everyone else - I really appreciate your time that you have taken to reply. I'm thinking about it all. x

Stella,
Just read this and chipping in:
Firstly, I know a man with no qualifications and dyslexia. He earns 50K. He got there through hard graft.
Also, if you were unemployed and in debt, would you be comfortable moving in with someone on a nice salary, borrowing from them and living off their generosity? I doubt it. You sound like a nice person.
He sounds like a lazy person who takes the option of least effort.
Sorry.

If you've lent him money for the rent, how come he still owes the landlord?

Stella, of course you've lent him money. I've been on this forum for nearly 9 years, believe me, this is not unusual. There was just someone else, a month ago, 'loaned' nearly £800 to a similar partner. Lucky escape, as many told her and which proved to be true. Don't feel bad about it.

But STOP doing it! Listen to all those who've been down the same path you have. There have been several even on this thread, some, like au, who've done it more than once.

He has been unemployed for several months without looking for work. He left voluntarily. He is not looking for work. Get a job quick? If he were really serious about it all, he would already have done so or doing everything to do so. Believe me, I have!

Sure, he's down, but he's doing nothing to change his 'luck' other than buying Lotto tickets.

This is who he is, a person who finds enablers like you, to feel sorry for his lot in life but he does nothing big to change it.

He moves in and, well, he is who he is.

Your gut has already told you this and still does or you'd never have posted this.

Don't risk who you are and all you've worked for, for this.

Think about it. Let's say, you lost your job, or were told you were in danger of redundancy. Let's just say that because, being a sole earner, you'd know you can't just jack in your job as you have a mortgage and bills to pay. You'd be doing everything you can to drum up work. You'd take anything going, no matter how dead end or over-qualified you were. Because you have a mortgage and bills to pay.

You would not expect others to do this for you or to win the lottery.

You'd work in reality.

That's how it is in adulthood.

This person is using you as another excuse to abscond from that, and it sounds like it's not the first time.

'one month's rent - he says he wants to organise a proper written arrangement for paying it back (get a job quick and pay it back from your first pay packet would work for me!) '

Stella, if he were for real he'd have already done this and said, 'Stella, I can't move in with you until I've paid this back from a short-term job.' Instead it's all about how he'll get some job when he's got his feet under your table and then, if he gets it, it'll be, 'Stella, I can't contribute till I've paid this guy back. Ooops, lost the job because it's so dead end. Poor me, what am I to do, I have no qualifications,' Oh, yes, stella, pay for my college course/driving lessons, etc. Believe me, he has only one thing to focus on now, and that's getting his feet parked up on your sofa instead of 'Must get job to pay rent or I will be evicted,' the way a normal person would be.

Of course he has no fear of not paying full whack for his rent or getting a job to do so. He has you to guilt trip into covering for him.

Sum it up with Granny knows best:
When money is not coming in the door, love flies out the window...

I couldn't imagine it, and I was invited to live in the cosy home of my boyfriend. Nope. Not till I had my job and was in it.

We didn't work out because we wanted two different things in time, I wanted to become a mother and, well, we're the same age, he wasn't ready. He became a father at 40 to his 32-year-old wife and I remarried and became a mother myself 9 years before.

But, we were able to split amicably and still be very good friends.

Because we were true partners for a while.

I thought the world of him, still do, and of myself and would not dream of putting myself in a position where I couldn't take care of myself if I were physically able.

That's what it's all about. It's not about money, it's about respect for yourself and then that extends to all you meet and doing all you can to honour that.

Do yourself a big favour and start doing that for you because you know, you're a really special person.

I agree with all the red flags that posters have pointed out. It is much, much harder to ask him to leave once he is here, in your home and in your bed.

Another one for me is the idea that he will look for something that will help him get out of the dead end job ie. study or improve himself.

Before you know it, he will be on a college course and you will be subsidising an eternal student.