Financial arrangements when DP moves in

[stella47]

Hello, I'm looking for advice, suggestions or thoughts on how to arrange finances when my DP moves in.

We've been together for a year, but not living together. I earn about £39K before tax. He is currently unemployed but will initially be looking for jobs around £12 - 15K. I'm wondering whether or not I should expect him to contribute to bills, whether we should have a joint account etc. and would really welcome any suggestions or thoughts as to how other people do things. I currently live alone, in a house I have a mortgage on, no DCs. I get anxious over financial things, and have a fear of financial insecurity.

I haven't done this before (well, not successfully!) , and would really welcome thoughts on arrangements before we start out.

He left his last job some months ago, and isn't planning to start to look for work here until he arrives. Connected to that is that he seems to have a belief that he can't get a job because of a lack of qualifications. There is no practical reason that he couldn't - he's intelligent, physically able etc but seems to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in which he doesn't think he can get jobs or qualifications and so doesn't do anything towards it. I would be happy to support him towards doing anything he wants to do, but dont want to feel like I'm starting to "nag" him to do things.

I posted on a thread in chat and it was suggested that I start my own thread. On that thread a man was asking for opinions on financial arrangements with his wife who earned less - some people suggested that she should not be expected to contribute to household bills (the discrepancy between their salaries was high) and it's made me wonder a lot about how to do things. Thanks very much for any thoughts.

He's trying to play you and I bet he's had plenty of practice before.

Agree with the others - let him prove himself by getting a job and renting somewhere in your area. If you let him move in I think you'll have a devil of a job getting him out again if you need to (and I think this is likely to happen).

I hate to be negative but he sounds like a bad lot and you can do much better.

Why did he leave his job? I don't think you've mentioned this.

It's easy to ignore all this if you meet up every other weekend or so. It's easy to buy food in rather than eat out etc but when you're living with someone day in and day out and you come home from work hungry to find the food's been eaten and not replaced and the heating's on full blast and he wants you to stay up late and it's obvious he didn't get up till one pm, well, that's when you've got a problem. And you will be blamed for making him leave his flat (he'll ignore the fact he was about to be evicted) and you will feel too guilty to chuck him out until one day you get so fed up you pay for him to leave. What would that cost? A month's deposit, a month's rent, a bit extra - what would that cost - a thousand?

I know we all fantasise about winning the lottery (even if we haven't bought a ticket) but to have it as a plan.... that is just plain ridiculous. How much has he been spending on that?

...reminds me think of the old jazz musos joke

Q. "What do you call a jazz musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Think very carefully before you pay for that removal van.....

Hopefully ,you have had a lucky escape. Now get a grip and see what a loser and cocklodger this hopeless case is. Get that tatoo MUG removed from your forehead, don't look back, sever all contact and move on.

Be much more careful in the future and good luck.

" He has decided that it is not going to work as I have been thinking that of him, and he's going to think about things and probably arrange to make different arrangements where he is now."
Let me translate that for you, Stella - "Fuck, I've been rumbled!"

" I told him about my thoughts about his lottery winning plans - he said that he agreed, and that he'd thought of stopping buying tickets because it wasn't a realistic plan."
"wasn't a realistic plan" - no shit, Sherlock ...
Stella, I think you've dodged a bullet there. Cocklodger and fuckwit, he just gets better and better.

Another thought. He was going to hire a removal company? How much stuff does he have? Why not hire a van and move his stuff himself and drive down?

Let me guess, he did not have to think about a more reasonably priced option, because you would be paying....

(Or he does not have a drivers license?)

Did you ever go to his house for the weekends? If not, how do you know he does not have a girlfriend, live with his mum, etc?

Be warned, stella, the next ploy he might attempt is regaling you with tales of woe about how he's going to be evicted with no place to go. This, of course, will play on your caring nature and you'll be expected to open your door wide, gratis, naturally, as the poor soul will be without shelter. Even though he has had months to deal with this himself.

There is no need calling OP MUG. Some just trust others easily or as a previous poster said they tend to 'rescue' others. As for the guy, he might be cynical lazy opportunitist or he might be just useless with life and/or depressed. In either case he will drive you mad thats for sure.

You know what? I'm sitting here with 3 screaming kids, a very ill mum who kept me away all night, a stressed dh who is at work, and financial troubles and i'm a bit at you. 39K and no one to look after. Enjoy it Stella, go to some travel sites and book a trip, go theatre or concert, make new friends, invite people for dinner. (I would go to Dublin on weekend even alone, i love it in Sept. Or if you want further Rome or Milan)

Don't let him drag you down x

She has herself to look after, but I agree - book some packaged tours if you don't want to go alone, leave off online dating for a bit if you find you keep meeting users and spongers. You deserve more than this.

Just to add: The 'it wasn't realistic plan' would be enough for me to do U turn.

YY@She has herself to look after.

I like Rusty's joke about the jazz musician. And agree with Laquitar that who knows the guy may be genuinely struggling in life, not the devil's spawn . Its probably not great to have a conversation about the future on the phone, as its harder to read people's reactions.

Anyway, OP seems to have gone now, not surprised really, but if you do return hope whatever you decide things out for your benefit. I would be equally sensitive/protective if someone moved into my territory and I think you are right to think through your concerns, fools rush in and all that ....

Good luck.

I agree with everyone else - you have had a very lucky, narrow escape.

How was he proposing to pay the debt to his landlord, by the way, before he moved in with you? Don't tell me you were going to 'lend' him the money for that as well ....

He now knows you're not the easy target he thought you were.

Well done.

Thank you very much everyone for all your thoughts.

And thank you Laquitar x
I really don't think he is the devil's spawn, and I don't think he would intend to sponge off me, it's more that he doesn't seem to realise that he needs to do things differently if he wants things to change, and has genuinely been struggling. We had a long talk last night and I haven't made a final decision yet, but I know now that I can if I decide to, and he is very aware of what my expectations would be. It's been really helpful talking about things here - I don't usually talk about personal things much - thank you. xx

I'd be very concerned about someone who hadn't paid his rent like that. Has he explained how he's going to pay his landlord back?

Yes, it turns out he doesn't owe a huge amount - he's been getting housing benefit and paying that to landlord, but there was some shortfall, so that's what he owes.

Honestly, stella, I still think it's a mistake to let this guy move in. He may be genuinely struggling, but he's been doing this his entire adult life and making excuses for it - poor upbringing, no qualifications, girlfriend split up with him, need to move before seeking work, etc. There's too much talk and not enough action.

That's a huge red flag. I mean, most people on their own know they can't just pack in a job without another to go to (redundancies happen, of course, many of us have been there ourselves). It's part of adulthood. It's happened to many of us, stuck in a job we hate, but still need to pay rent and bills so have to suck it up till we get something else.

I've even moved from perm job I hated to temp job but had to have something going otherwise how would the rent be paid? Moving in with someone and just taking a break from adulthood courtesy of a boyfriend/girlfriend didn't strike me as something I could do to someone I cared about. I'd want to move in with something to contribute.

I agree with Attila that it might be a good idea to examine your own past with regards to relationships and why you seem to have a pattern of taking on people who need someone to enable/bale them out because it gets you taken advantage of and you sound like a really nice person.

Has he always visited you or have you visited him? How much do you REALLY know about him, that can be verified by other people that know him?

He doesn't sound at all proactive, and I don't think you should be thinking about what you can do to help him. If he hasn't got there by his 40s, doubtful he will EVER get there. In fact I suspect he is doing a bit of 'running away' by moving to you.

I know - I agree with what you're both saying. This has made me realise what I want from future relationships if this one doesn't work out. I've realised that I've kind of got what I "asked" for, in that he's got a lot of the qualities and attributes that I was looking for. I would have said before we met that money/ambition/career weren't important. And they're not, but what is important to me is that they have the drive to do something, and a passion for something, whether or not it relates to typical "success".

Yet you're still going to hang onto one where there isn't the drive, the passion. Why are you doing this to yourself, stella? This person is showing you who he is - he's in his 40s, drifting around, not even able to pay all his rent, not able to keep a stable job but with loads of excuses as to why, not willing to look for one without some woman to sponge off (emotionally or financially), blaming it all on something else when it goes tits up (my girlfriend split with me, I don't have qualifications, I can't focus on more than one thing at a time, I had a poor upbringing and on and on).

Money's not important but personal responsibility well into adulthood is.

I'm not saying he's a bad person, he's probably not, but you seem to be, from some of your previous posts on this thread, stuck in a rut of hooking up with men who need someone to enable them. It might do you the world of good to examine why, BEFORE you let this person move in.

Because he'll hammer away at you until you feel bad and give in, then suck you dry.

You don't think he means to sponge off you? You need to be 100% sure of this before committing to co-habitating, and he's doing nothing to ensure this.

Stella - seriously, why???? You say he doesn't owe his LL that much because he has been paying him housing benefit, so he just owes the short fall. Rough translation he hasn't lifted a finger to try and pay anything himself, but is relying on benefit. I am going to bang my head on the table with frustration and leave you to it now.....

Don't do it Stella.

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