Financial arrangements when DP moves in

[stella47]

Hello, I'm looking for advice, suggestions or thoughts on how to arrange finances when my DP moves in.

We've been together for a year, but not living together. I earn about £39K before tax. He is currently unemployed but will initially be looking for jobs around £12 - 15K. I'm wondering whether or not I should expect him to contribute to bills, whether we should have a joint account etc. and would really welcome any suggestions or thoughts as to how other people do things. I currently live alone, in a house I have a mortgage on, no DCs. I get anxious over financial things, and have a fear of financial insecurity.

I haven't done this before (well, not successfully!) , and would really welcome thoughts on arrangements before we start out.

He left his last job some months ago, and isn't planning to start to look for work here until he arrives. Connected to that is that he seems to have a belief that he can't get a job because of a lack of qualifications. There is no practical reason that he couldn't - he's intelligent, physically able etc but seems to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in which he doesn't think he can get jobs or qualifications and so doesn't do anything towards it. I would be happy to support him towards doing anything he wants to do, but dont want to feel like I'm starting to "nag" him to do things.

I posted on a thread in chat and it was suggested that I start my own thread. On that thread a man was asking for opinions on financial arrangements with his wife who earned less - some people suggested that she should not be expected to contribute to household bills (the discrepancy between their salaries was high) and it's made me wonder a lot about how to do things. Thanks very much for any thoughts.

'This loser man may or may not be entitled to JS allowance in your area but, once he's got his feet under your table, what will that matter to him?'

He might be eligible for contribution-based JSA after a couple more months of unemployment, if he's actually accrued enough NI contributions. After 6 months on that, he'll get nothing because he'll be living with stella, who counts as a domestic partner, spinning out excuses as to why he can never keep a job.

Have just reread your last post Stella re. your planned conversation. The 2 month trial period will not work because he will never find work that quickly. He hasn't even been looking, for a start. Go and google any random job search in your area and you will find a job that is advertised today will have a closing date of next month and then another wait for interviews etc. So, in 2 months he simply won't have found anything, he might have a few irons in the fire by then, if he's lucky, and if he really pulls his finger out. The only thing he could possibly find quickly is an on spec minimum wage type job, with which he will not be your financial equal in any shape or form: he will not be able to afford 50:50 with you on anything and will not be able to afford repayments of the money he already owes you, not to mention the arrears he could well be getting chased for in the near future. A debtor living at your address could bring all kinds of crap down on you.

Once he's in your house it will be so hard to get him out. If it comes to this you will be paying for him to move out, he won't have the means to do it himself. He won't have any LL references because he's done over his current LL wrt rent. He won't have a job to satisfy a new LL or agency as to his income and ability to maintain payments. Even if he has the will to leave your place, to find somewhere he would need references, a month's rent in advance, as well as a deposit which are huge these days, plus extras like van hire for moving his stuff.

I hope you are able to come back to this thread and I really hope you are not reading from the shadows with your fingers crossed because he's pulled some "Oh, well in that case I guess we should just stop seeing each other" kind of sulk to get you back on side.

If you sincerely think this man is worth a shot in relationship terms why don't you say that he needs to set up job interviews in your area and can use your place as a base to facilitate this, eg if he needs to travel and stay over night? But don't give him a key and don't let him move stuff in. If he doesn't go for this I'd say his heart isn't truly in it because it's a fair, upfront offer that would be good for both of you.

Is he claiming benefits? Did you know that if he moves in with you he will lose his benefit as they'll take your wages into consideration?

Does he realise this I wonder?

Also, getting him out may well be very difficult, unless you are able to follow through with chucking him out on a set date even if he hasn't fund somewhere.

I rented my flat to a friend, as I thought it would be a safer bet. His circumstances changed while living there, and when it came time to leave, he needed a place which would accept housing benefit.

I gave him notice in January and he didn't leave till bloody June. It can be really difficult to find landlords which will accept housing benefit. I know as I was the one doing the flat hunting after a while as he was so bloody useless at it. He also refused to live in shared accommodation which would have made the search much easier.

This supposed friend totally but his needs before ours, a family. (I don't consider him a friend any more, I wouldn't do that to a friend).

I'd be very wary of him moving in and would suggest he rents near you and then moves in in the future if the relationship lasts and he settles and finds a job.
The lottery stuff and no qualifications in his 40s does make me doubt your claim of him being intelligent. I'm dubious about him leaving a job when he has nothing else to go to and can't pay the rent either.
His bad past is irrelevent. there are lots of people with miserable pasts, you don't have to move in with them to save them. Many people with miserable pasts still manage to get qualifications, work hard drag themselves up. It's harder than for those of us with comfy upbringings but by his 40s if he hasn't taken some control over his life and stopped blaming his past he never will.
I don't want a workaholic, but I do want a man with a work ethic and realistic ambitions and hobbies.
I earn more than my bloke but he works as hard as me and pulls his weight.

This thread reminds of another thread which was the oposite. He was the homeowner, she was to move in, he had 2 lodgers who allready covered the mortgage and he asked his gf to pay rent for sharing his bed. £500 pcm.
Does anyone remembers it?

Interesting how much some people value themselves and their house and how little others do. And that homeowner was a man, this op is woman.

Stella sorry to ask this but do you feel that you 'must' live with someone just for the sake of it, because society says so or family puts pressure on you? You don't have to. You can live on your own and have some good friends and enjoy your income and your house. If a good man comes (and he will come if you are free and happy and live well) thats fine.

But if you take the lottery man in you are closing the door to other men and maybe even to friends. Think about it.

I remember that thread.

OP hasn't been back to this thread for a while so I guess she's gone his her own route.

She's obviously been prepared to overlook a lot of stuff with this guy, I mean the fact that his Plan A is to win the lottery? At best she's overlooking the fact that he's lazy and delusional, at worst the fact that he's just plain stupid.

Sorry if you're reading OP and that sounds harsh. I know what it's like to be falling in love and to desperately want something to work after a personal relationship history of shit. Also what it's like to grasp onto any rare straw of potential and hold on fast. However it's not a good way to head into your future.

vaguely rem that laquiter - cant rem the outcome,but surely if someone is moving in with another person, then they should pay towards bills and rent/mortgage/share expenses etc

OP of that thread was more than happy to pay rent, it was just the working out what was a fair amount - all a bit complicated since there were lodgers as well.

Whereas in this thread, the person moving in doesn't seem to be offering until never they get a job that they're not actually looking for.

I know, i'm not comparing the other OP with this OP's man. I 'm comparing the two homeowners-the man in the other thread and the OP here. The self-esteem, protecting himself and his assets, the 'like it or leave it' attitude, different than Stella.

Bet the guy's already parked up at his place, telling her he's going to get a job.

Any update, OP?