Financial arrangements when DP moves in

[stella47]

Hello, I'm looking for advice, suggestions or thoughts on how to arrange finances when my DP moves in.

We've been together for a year, but not living together. I earn about £39K before tax. He is currently unemployed but will initially be looking for jobs around £12 - 15K. I'm wondering whether or not I should expect him to contribute to bills, whether we should have a joint account etc. and would really welcome any suggestions or thoughts as to how other people do things. I currently live alone, in a house I have a mortgage on, no DCs. I get anxious over financial things, and have a fear of financial insecurity.

I haven't done this before (well, not successfully!) , and would really welcome thoughts on arrangements before we start out.

He left his last job some months ago, and isn't planning to start to look for work here until he arrives. Connected to that is that he seems to have a belief that he can't get a job because of a lack of qualifications. There is no practical reason that he couldn't - he's intelligent, physically able etc but seems to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in which he doesn't think he can get jobs or qualifications and so doesn't do anything towards it. I would be happy to support him towards doing anything he wants to do, but dont want to feel like I'm starting to "nag" him to do things.

I posted on a thread in chat and it was suggested that I start my own thread. On that thread a man was asking for opinions on financial arrangements with his wife who earned less - some people suggested that she should not be expected to contribute to household bills (the discrepancy between their salaries was high) and it's made me wonder a lot about how to do things. Thanks very much for any thoughts.

'I feel that if I was going to say no, I should have done so before now, and it would be a bit late as he's arranging removals etc. '

NO, it's NOT. Stella, you sound like a really nice person who's about to taken for a ride. This man has not paid his landlord rent in 4 months. I'll bet he's arranging removals to yours! Think he's going to pay that landlord back for 4 months of lodging? Bet he never will.

Cocklodger.
Never mind not living with him, I'd get rid of him.

You should not move in with this person until you get to the bottom of your differences regarding work and career - which is that this person will always have an excuse for not working.

Once he's in, he's going to be as hard to get rid of as it is for his poor landlord. Bet he'll have bad credit now and use that as another excuse why he can't get a job.

How did you meet by the way?. How much do you really know this man honestly if you do not presumably live near each other?. Has this relationship mainly been conducted at a distance or online?.

If this person moves in, history is going to repeat itself. He is what is termed a cocklodger; he hit paydirt when he met you and the red flags are waving here madly. It is at your peril that you ignore red flags like him not paying rent and him living in your home without working or actively looking for work. Listen to what he is telling you!!. He is telling you what he is really like and such lazy souls do not change. Some lodger he will turn out to be - he will become your lodger from hell if he moves in with you.

My ex was very good at doing the housework, actually.

Didn't make up for the fact that he was totally sponging off me though, and never got a job.

Be very, very careful of your good nature. Kind, caring people like you are (sadly) very easy to manipulate.

The 3 month idea will only work if you are actually prepared to chuck him out, when he's given you 100 "reasons" why he couldn't get a job (none of them actually his fault) and made you feel sorry for him, and that if you loved him / were a decent friend you'd help, and painted a picture of how he'll be destitute if you do chuck him out.

Are you really prepared to do that?

If he was a decent guy who wasn't taking you for granted, he would made more of an effort to turn up at yours with something to contribute, not stopped making any effort at all once he knew he could move in!

You are well within your rights to say "actually, I've changed my mind. I thought you'd be making more of an effort to find a job now you're moving in, not less. because of this, I am having doubts about whether this will work, and need to know you can pay your way before we move in together."

What does he do all day btw?

If he is not working atm shouldn't be claiming housing benefit?
You don't have to get rid of him but at least live seperately for while. He could rent a room in your area?

We met through online dating, and have seen a lot of each other, but just long weekends. It is quite unusual for him not to be in work - he'd say he's been trying to decide what to do over the last few months, whether or not to stay where he is, whether to get a short term job or work for something better. I think my worry is that thought he talks about not having qualifications and not being able to get higher paid jobs, he doesn't seem to see qualifications as something that people do and work for, rather than something that they have. It's not about the money as such for me, rather that his ambition is "to win the lottery" whereas I think that if you want something different you have to do something different, rather than just hope it happens. Having said that, his plan is to get a short term job when he comes over here, and maybe work towards something better.

What do your friends think of him btw?

'It's not about the money as such for me, rather that his ambition is "to win the lottery" '

Stella, this person's a cocklodger.

I think there is actually something wrong with me that I keep attracting similar people. Aufaniae, I've been in exactly the position you describe before (except he didn't do the housework) - he was very difficult to dislodge and then did mild stalking (which was actually very traumatic). The difference was that I didn't have you guys to talk to about these things then.

He can't get housing benefit yet as he's not been out of work for six months yet (I think that's why, I'm not sure) - he has been saying that if it doesn't work out with us then he'd get somewhere nearby, on HB if he wasn't working by then.
I actually think that he is a decent guy who doesn't want to take me for granted, but is just not very motivated to do stuff!

My friends haven't met him yet (I don't have many local friends in real life). I am planning to introduce him to them and get their opinions.

Agree with Expat. When i hear 'lottery' i switch off.

"We met through online dating, and have seen a lot of each other, but just long weekends"

You hardly know the guy really, you have no idea what he is really like at all. Anyone can be nice for a few days. A nice, kind person has been taken in by a bloke out to fleece a nice kind woman, any woman with a house would do. He will also wreak the life you have built up for yourself.

He will get far more out of this than you will. There is a lot in this for him and he knows it.

He has taken you in and now you are in deep emotionally. Its not too late at all to back out and off entirely and that is what I would strongly advise you to do. If you take him in Stella you have only yourself to blame. This will not end well because he is a cocklodger of the first order.

Cocklodger - great word! Never heard it before but didn't have to look it up to guess what it means!

Stella, he does take you for granted, by manipulating you to park his bum for free in your living room.

Just say, 'I've thought about it someone and your moving in doesn't work for me until you get a job and we get to know each other a lot more.'

Stella

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Are you subsconciously looking to rescue and or save men from themselves?. You seem to have chosen similar types to this current man before now hence me asking that question.

When he has his feet under the table in your house he will find any excuse not to look for work.

Oh bollocks, I'm going to have to phone him aren't I?

Phoning him is a lot easier than trying to get his person out of your house.

His ambition is to win the lottery?! Stella, you're worth more than this.

Yes you are going to have to phone him. And he will not I daresay like what you will say to him.

Hopefully he will not sweet talk you round. Plan what you have to say in advance and stick to your word. If you are not happy with this arrangement you do not have to go ahead with it.

Oh, he'll try to sweet talk. Be prepared for it, stella!

Massive red flags, he is a cocklodger, DO NOT let him mOve in, infact dump him and put it down to experience. The more of your posts I read the more alarm bells I hear xx

He might play the 'i'm hurt and insulted' card and sulks untill you give in.

OK, before I do, can I just ask what you think? He had a really rough start in life - very abusive family, then in care, homeless etc, so didn't go to school much, and has a belief that people from his background can't succeed. So then spend most of his life doing "dead end" jobs which he didn't really like. He had a previous long term relationship and while doing that got a much better job which he enjoyed. When the relationship split up, he got depressed, had to change countries, ended up in another dead end job which he hated and left a few months ago. He is thinking of coming over here and getting short term work while working towards being able to do something similar to the "better" job. I am torn between thinking that if he had a stable base he'd be able to do this, and thinking that he could have been working towards this already if he wanted to.

Would it be foolish to suggest that we go ahead with the move, I give him time limit of two months - I think he would stick to it, and I'd have to make sure that I did.

Thank you for sticking with this so far.