Help me, please

[lionsgorawr]

I'm considering leaving my partner as I am so unhappy with our life. He hardly helps out, wont look for a job and is now being MADE to by the JC and I feel like everything is left to me...Especially taking care of our 14mo DD. Also he can be the most horrible person I've ever met by saying things he knows hurts me like how my own brother probably crashed his car and died to get away from me and my mother.
What terrifies me is I have history of PND and I hold my hands up and admit I have raised my voice on more than one occasion to my DD. He has already told me if I ever tried to leave him he would tell any lie possible to get custody of our child. I actually contacted Womans Aid today and they said if I wanted to do it tomorrow, their offices shut at 3. The dilemma I'm facing is the fact that he has an interview at 3.45 and I wouldn't be able to do it then. I just don't know if I'd be able to wait around much longer and I'm scared I might just cave and put up with it.
I just dont know what to do really! My mum has told me I can come to hers (which is over the other end of the country) but I know SS would have issues with that as my mum had a drug problem (not herion or anything. More hash and valium) she is clean now and is willing to prove it but I don't want to risk doing anything that would cause me to lose DD So I know I have to do it through womans aid.
Please, any advice would be really appreciated!

You have already done the hard bit by realising that things are not good enough for you and DD and contacting Woman's Aid. That must have been a hard step to take.
You could contact WA again and make a firm apointment for later this week or early next week, for a time when you are sure you can make it. That should help you also in the short term, knowing that you will be able to talk to someone soon, OP.
Really hope you and DD are ok.

What worries me as well is when we leave, WA said theyll put us in refuge, what if he calls the police and reports us missing? Will they tell him where we are?

No, the police won't tell him where you are, though they may tell him that you're safe.

If WA arrange for you to stay in a refuge the police will not divulge the address to him.

Once you are in a refuge you'll be given all the help you need to stay free of this odious bully and you can ask to be rehoused close to your mum.

Please note that if you were to live with your mum it's highly unlikely that SS will be overly concerned about her former 'drug' use.

I suspect that your mum was prescribed valium some years back and, unless she was dealling hash, the law turns a blind eye to possession of small quantities of hash/weed for personal use.

You've said the bully has an interview at 3.45pm tomorrow but why should that prevent you from getting to the WA offices before they close?

Because I won't be able to leave until he is away. If I leave him I basically need to run away. He tried to fling me out before but refused to let me take DD. He insists that if we ever split, he wants full custody. Basically he wants to leave me with nothing. I'm here with no friends, no family, nothing. I just can't take anymore. I'm finding it difficult to get out of bed, even look after myself. I don't want this life anymore and I know if I ever want a chance at me and DD being happy then we need to leave.

Although your local WA's offices will close at 3 tomorrow, the service is 24/7.

If WA have agreed to provide refuge accomodation for you there will be a way to get you and your dd safely away from him.

Did they suggest sending the police to get you and dd out of the house regardless of whether he's there or not?

Did they suggest that if you wait until he's left for his appointment and go to your nearest police station you can ask to see a domestic violence officer who will make arrangements for you to go to a refuge?

Where there's a will, there's always a way, honey. If you have sufficient money for train/coach fare I suggest you take yourself and dd to your mum's tomorrow and ask her local WA service to admit you to a refuge so that you can be given the help you'll need to stay safe and rebuild your life well away from him.

Think I might head to the WA at my mums then. Will need to make sure he leaves my bank card tomorrow, he has a habit of taking it with him, the same with my mobile. Will have to drop by unannounced to my mums work tomorrow then, won't get a chance to call her again tonight.
Why do I feel bad about this?! I'm terrified about it as well and I'm trying to stay calm as he is in the room. I wish i coud just. say I'm leaving and that's it.

"I wish i coud just. say I'm leaving and that's it. "

You know this man better than we do and it sounds as though you can't just say 'I'm leaving' without putting yourself and your DD at very serious risk. It's important to plan and get your timing right if you want to be successful.

Incidentally, you could call your bank today, ask them to cancel that card and send you a new one at your mum's address. Then he can't use it after you've gone. Another thing to consider.

Lion if he takes your card why don't you call the police, get the officers to help you get your bank card and phone back from the bully and then help you get on a train to your mums?
That is what the police are here for.

When you're done here make sure you log out of this site and delete the history of sites you've visited.

If you hide your mobile and bank card tomorrow do you think there's any chance he'd swallow a tale of dd having been playing with them and she must have put them somewhere and you'll look for them while he's out?

If not, and he takes them, PLEASE take dd and as many of your possessions as you can manage, go to your nearest police station and ask to speak to a domestic violence officer/worker.

If he's got your mobile and/or bank card the police can get them off him and help you either get to your mum's or, preferably, be accomodated in a refuge.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and if you don't get away from this controlling and abusive bully now, the chances are you never will.

Do it for yourself - and, above all, do it for your dd.

I'm going to get him to leave me the card and phone tomorrow...Just tell him I want to pick a few things up or something. Managed to sneak a call to my mum...made an excuse to go to the shop and she says if he takes the phone she has a spare she'll give me.
I'm terrified at the thought of this and I feel bad for having to do all this behind her GP's backs as well. They adore her and I just hope they understand why I've had to be so sneaky about it all.
There's just one problem...Timing. By the time he leaves for his interview and I get a train to my mums (which takes two hours including a change over) I'll miss the WA at hers too so I'll need to spend the night at hers and I'm worried if the police show up...Will they make me go back as he has PRRs?
I'm sorry about all these questions...I'm 23, terrified and just wanting it to turn out okay in the end and not risk losing my DD, she's my world and I couldn't live without her, don't know what I'd do if the bastard managed to take her from me.

He has joint rights with you, doesn't he? If that's right then you have the right to go and visit your mum. While you're there, if you then go into a shelter, they will help you sort all that out.

Is he short of money, as he's not working? I was thinking it would be an advantage if he is, as he wouldn't be able to come after you.

The fact your mum has a bit of a past won't make any difference. If she was involved in sexual offences against children, that would be different, but not for taking valium.

Oh my God, please make sure he doesn't get wind of this. Can't you ask the WA to meet you off the train tomorrow? Do they have an emergency service that can do this? Can you please ensure you tell the police asap that this man has threatened to take your dd from you and tell lies about you too

Please be safe. How did you get with this man in the first place?

Have you checked the office hours for WA nearest to your mum?

If you take dd to your mum's the police will not make you go back to him nor will you lose your dd to him.

It seems to me that it would be better for you to take your dd to your nearest police station, ask to be referred to their domestic violence unit, and let the police liaise with Women's Aid's national 24/7 service to put you in a place of safety where you'll get all of the reassurance and help you need to start your life over free of this controlling bully.

I'll be honest because I want to make sure I'm doing this right. My mum is the reason I moved here...She had a slip with the drugs and took them again one night, we got into an argument and I left. I told my health visitor about it and she said she'd have concern if I took DD through there but surely if my mum can prove she's not taking anything and her and my father can help me out there shouldn't be a problem? I tried to speak to my HV today but by the time she called back he was home again so couldn't speak to her.
He doesn't want me having anything to do with my mum at all. If my mum visits, we have to walk around town, he wont let her in the house or anything.
There's been so many times I've thought about doing this but never went through with it, just stuck it out because I felt bad about taking DD away from her dad as she adores him, all he does though is play with her, he doesn't read to her, change her, bath her...nothing like that. I just can't do it anymore, I can feel myself slipping further down into a deep depression and I need to get out before it's too late.
I love my DD and I won't leave her behind. Thats the only way he would ever let me leave...If I left her here and I just won't do that, I'm her mum, she needs me more than she'll ever need him. Best go just now and put DD to bed. Will try and check in later. Thank you so much everyone, I know now it's the right thing to do.

Firstly, he won't really want full custody of your DD. He's just using it to get you to stay.
As you said, he doesn't even really help with her.

If it happens that he takes your card, report it stolen as soon as you get off the door. Same with your phone.
Because he would have taken them by force, effectively.
Do not make him suspicious by insisting on keeping them.
In any case, get the card and the phone sim cancelled. Make a note of the numbers to make things easier.

When you leave you can also pop in any bank and take out money yourself. Or make sure you get a stash of what you need. Just make sure you know your account number and have photo id.

And make sure you hide this thread.

And you can surely stay a night or two with your mum and then move to a refuge.

I wish you all the luck in the world OP. This is the start of your new life.

Good luck lion. My mum had to do this with me and I'm eternally grateful she was so brave. You can and will do this and get to happier times at the other side.

The police are your friends, honey. They won't make you do anything you don't want to do and if he's taken your bank card and mobile phone, they'll get them back for you.

The WA at my mums closes at 8pm so I would have time to go tomorrow. Thinking about when I'll be getting there and stuff, it seems I'd be best staying at my mums for the night and heading there the next day, mums offered to come with me after work, as DD will need dinner and it's a long journey...She's never been on a train before.
The longer the night goes on, the more sick I feel. I'm all shivery and I'm just terrified he'll notice somethings up.
I'm not going to the police through here, I just want to get back to my mums ASAP, the longer I hang around here, the harder it will be.
Will check in tomorrow just before I leave and hopefully once I get to my mums.
Thank you so much everyone, you've been a massive help.
I've been erasing the history of me visiting this thread and am in the middle of changing my passwords for everything as he knows them all, including internet banking. I would cancel my card and get a new one sent to mums but am due to get CTC on friday and dont want to risk not being able to access them as I lack photo ID :(
Thank you all again, you have no idea how much you have helped!

I'm so glad you've got a plan of action lion. Please stay safe and if at any point he gets violent or abusive (as perhaps he might if he finds out you're leaving?) please remember you can call the police and they will remove him. Good luck x

Having doubts now about it all. Not sure if I have it in me to split our family up. May try having a talk with him first, I have before and it hasn't worked but it clicked in my mind just there, I love him and I can't do it to our family. As much as he doesn't do much with DD, he adores her and her with him. I just dont think I have it in me to do it. I am so so sorry for wasting everyones time. Please dont think any less of me as a person.

Please, please leave him, even of you have to wait one more day. Don't let your dd grow up with such a toxic influence. Don't let the fact that he has alienated you from everyone make you doubt yourself. We will be your friends. Please leave him.

Sorry just saw your last post. Obviously it is up to you.