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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me, please

185 replies

lionsgorawr · 04/09/2012 13:15

I'm considering leaving my partner as I am so unhappy with our life. He hardly helps out, wont look for a job and is now being MADE to by the JC and I feel like everything is left to me...Especially taking care of our 14mo DD. Also he can be the most horrible person I've ever met by saying things he knows hurts me like how my own brother probably crashed his car and died to get away from me and my mother.
What terrifies me is I have history of PND and I hold my hands up and admit I have raised my voice on more than one occasion to my DD. He has already told me if I ever tried to leave him he would tell any lie possible to get custody of our child. I actually contacted Womans Aid today and they said if I wanted to do it tomorrow, their offices shut at 3. The dilemma I'm facing is the fact that he has an interview at 3.45 and I wouldn't be able to do it then. I just don't know if I'd be able to wait around much longer and I'm scared I might just cave and put up with it.
I just dont know what to do really! My mum has told me I can come to hers (which is over the other end of the country) but I know SS would have issues with that as my mum had a drug problem (not herion or anything. More hash and valium) she is clean now and is willing to prove it but I don't want to risk doing anything that would cause me to lose DD So I know I have to do it through womans aid.
Please, any advice would be really appreciated!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 05/09/2012 21:30

Fantastic news! I'm so pleased you're away from this horrible man. Enjoy your evening. :)

FinallyFree1 · 05/09/2012 21:31

Does anyone know what they'll ask me at the interview tomorrow?

springydaffs · 05/09/2012 21:40

Just the story. If you tell them he regularly took your purse and phone when he left the house, that'll tell them enough tbh.

delighted you're out. Roll on tomorrow Smile

FinallyFree1 · 05/09/2012 22:03

Just had the police at my door. His mother called them, pretending to be my mum and reported me missing, they gave the police this address so they know I'm here. Hopefully get put into a refuge ASAP as not wanting to bring trouble to my parents door. They're not the youngest and don't deserve this.

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 22:11

I'm immensely relieved to know that you got away, honey, and that you're safe and sound.

Tomorrow's 'interview' will simply be a chat; think of it as your opportunity to offload things you may have been bottling up for ages and may not feel comfortable about telling your dps.

As many of WA's workers are women who were once victims of abusive men themselves, there's nothing you can say that they won't understand and may have experienced.

Your now 'ex' (hurrah!) sounds a nasty piece of work who sought to control your every move and it may be that it will take some time before you realise just how much you trod on eggshells around him and lived your life in fear of what he might have done if you displeased him.

As you are now a long way away from him, it's to be hoped that WA will find a place for you in a refuge within easy travelling distance of your dps and of course you can ask them to ring your former local police station to allay any fears you may have that he'll somehow use the police to get you back.

How's your dd? Did she enjoy the train journey? I think you'll find that she's not going to miss him one bit... Smile

AllOverIt · 05/09/2012 22:20

So, so, so pleased you got away GrinGrin

That's made my day Grin

lilachair · 05/09/2012 22:38

Just popped on to see how things were, so pleased to see you are safe Smile

Don't be frightened of the police Free, they are on your side, you are no way the bad guy here. They'll help keep you safe if you tell them what's been going on.

Hope you and your little one sleep soundly and peacefully tonight.

StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 23:23

Sorry he called the police on you, I hope they were fully supportive of you.

SophySinclair · 06/09/2012 00:15

well done you, you're a bloody legend.

Markingthehours · 06/09/2012 01:00

Well done FF. Glad it went smoothly getting out.

Did you tell the police your situation? I hope they were able to reassure you that they are there to protect you.

Don't hesitate to ring them if your X shows up.

ComradeJing · 06/09/2012 05:11

Oh I'm SO pleased for you. Well done!

boredandrestless · 06/09/2012 08:03

So relieved you are okay and have made the break.

Obviously when you move into the refuge don't tell anyone where it is. Be vague, and if people push for more information then be blunt and say laughingly "I'm not going to tell you the address of a refuge am I?!" It's so easy for people to mention this info to someone, and them to someone else, and before you know it, it gets back to an ex.

Don't worry about what to say today. If you think you might struggle to get it all out verbally then write it down.

  • Takes my phone and purse when he goes out
  • Verbally abuses me
  • Discourages you having contact with your family
  • Keeps you isolated
  • etc etc. Maybe take another look at that list you were given a link to.

I think given that he knows where you are, it's urgent you get into the refuge.

boredandrestless · 06/09/2012 08:05

Also, I know buying books may not be at the top of your list of things to do or spend on but i think this book would really help you. (Ask WA if they have a copy you could borrow first, you never know.) It will open your eyes even further to how he is and how he cannot be changed.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346915030&sr=1-1

delilahlilah · 06/09/2012 09:19

Well done for getting out. His Mother's behaviour doesn't sound very rational there either... Hmm
You've done the best for you and your DD. My Mum didn't have the strength to leave because of similar lies from our Dad, and you have no idea how much we all wish she had. We went through hell as well as her, and it's affect the rest of my life up til now as I was forced to do things differently from a young age. Moved out sooner than I would have etc So good on you for having the strength to do this for yourself and your DD. Please don't let him guilt trip you.
I'm sure with FB you can report being hacked? At least you can block / delete the account so he can't go writing stuff in your name. Says a lot that he thought of doing something so petty, while suppoedly concerned you were 'missing'.

Casserole · 06/09/2012 10:17

Well done for doing it!

I second what everyone else has said. TELL THE TRUTH. You have left a man who controlled you and treated you badly and used to take your mobile phone and bank cards out with him so that you couldn't get away.

Tell that to the police. Tell that to WA. Just tell the truth, it's ok.

Stay strong, lovey.

janey1234 · 06/09/2012 10:39

Well done you. Don't look back: you've done the hardest part and it's upwards from this point on. Soooo proud of you Smile

delilahlilah · 06/09/2012 19:45

Hope you're ok OP?

AllOverIt · 06/09/2012 19:48

Thinking of you FF Smile

FinallyFree1 · 06/09/2012 22:48

Hey everyone, sorry, it's been a hectic day! Making appointment with lawyers tomorrow for full custody :) also got to register both of us with doctors, dentits, transfer benefit claims oh god the list goes on and on.
Mum has been fantastic, been there every step of the way and always there if I get a little frazzled to lend a hand. Wish I never left in the first place!
Dad doesn't say much but that's just my dad lol.
DD is settling in perfectly well! Had a great time splashing her nana in the bath lol...makes a change from me getting soaked.
Already feeling so much better and I've only been here basically one day, starting to feel back to my old self already.
Thanks once again to every one for all your continued messages of support and checking in on me. Will try to keep you all updated as much as I can when I have a spare few minutes :)

gimmecakeandcandy · 06/09/2012 23:30

Has he tried to come and see you as he knows where you are? Did you go to WA?

ladyWordy · 06/09/2012 23:41

Oh good FF! You have been busy. Didn't like that police episode last night, I hope the impersonator gets a warning. I hope they know now that you're in a dv situation.

Ok, now I will stop minding other people's business, and say the thought of your dd feeling happy and having fun made me happy too. Well done to you FF, it can take women many years to make the break, but you did it :)

solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2012 23:45

Remember that if he appears on your parents' doorstep, they DO NOT have to let him in and can call the police to remove him immediately. He has no right of entry to your parents' house.

(Just adding that as there was a poster recently having trouble with an abusive XH who insisted that he had the right to come into her mothers' house any time he liked, which was of course bullshit).

daiseehope · 07/09/2012 00:38

Hello Lion. I have read all of the thread. I don't think that you should stay. Carry on as planned and then if you wish you can talk at a safe distance. Trust me on this one x

hayleydaffodil · 07/09/2012 00:55

This sounds really sad. Has he been in contact or does he want to see DD? This really doesn't sound good, hopefully you find a good outcome and rebuild your life however you do that.

izzyizin · 07/09/2012 01:00

I so pleased to know that you're already becoming reacquainted with your true self, honey. Give it another couple of days and you'll be able to see him off single handed if he should have the temerity to turn up on your mum's doorstep Grin

In the event that he arrives unannounced simply call 999 and the police will haul his sorry arse away from your mum's home because, asSGB has said, he has no right of entry to any property that he doesn't have lawful title to.

Whether or not you seek refuge from Women's Aid is entirely up to you but, whatever you choose to do, PLEASE PLEASE don't listen to any lavish promises he may make to change if you return to him because he'll be lying and, once you're back in his clutches, it's unlikely you'll find it so easy to escape the next time.