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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me, please

185 replies

lionsgorawr · 04/09/2012 13:15

I'm considering leaving my partner as I am so unhappy with our life. He hardly helps out, wont look for a job and is now being MADE to by the JC and I feel like everything is left to me...Especially taking care of our 14mo DD. Also he can be the most horrible person I've ever met by saying things he knows hurts me like how my own brother probably crashed his car and died to get away from me and my mother.
What terrifies me is I have history of PND and I hold my hands up and admit I have raised my voice on more than one occasion to my DD. He has already told me if I ever tried to leave him he would tell any lie possible to get custody of our child. I actually contacted Womans Aid today and they said if I wanted to do it tomorrow, their offices shut at 3. The dilemma I'm facing is the fact that he has an interview at 3.45 and I wouldn't be able to do it then. I just don't know if I'd be able to wait around much longer and I'm scared I might just cave and put up with it.
I just dont know what to do really! My mum has told me I can come to hers (which is over the other end of the country) but I know SS would have issues with that as my mum had a drug problem (not herion or anything. More hash and valium) she is clean now and is willing to prove it but I don't want to risk doing anything that would cause me to lose DD So I know I have to do it through womans aid.
Please, any advice would be really appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 00:46

God I dont know what to do! I love him and dont want to split up our family but am so unhappy and know I would get 100% support from my parents. I think it's the fear of the unknown. I've got everything sorted in my head as in what I'd need to bring if I was to go but at the same time, sitting here, looking around our home, I can't help but feel so sad and guilty somehow as if I am the bad one! I know there are thousands of women out there who go through much worse than what I do.
I'm just sick and tired of constantly being broke, sick of not having any friends and sick of not having my family close by.
Whats making me doubt it all is the more I think about it the more I hear this little voice in my head saying "but he loves your DD", I can tell that just by looking at him when he plays with her.
I think he knows somethings up as well, he's been strangely affectionate tonight. GAAAH, I just dont know anymore! I'm so sorry! I'm just messing everyone around. Not just on here, my mum too. Shes expecting me tomorrow and I feel so bad about doubting it now. She's seen DD a handful of times since she was born. God...I'm just sorry everyone. I'm a complete fuck up. I cant make up my mind and I've messed everyone around.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 00:47

No one will think any less of you hun, you are in a terrible position with difficult decisions to make.

No one makes the decision to leave their partner lightly, for it to have got this far things must be bad. I think you know you need some space from him, and tomorrow probably weighs so heavily. It seems so final, so big. But: it sounds like you will have a better quality of life away from him. You and your daughter will have the freedom to do whatever you like without him controlling you, how wonderful would that be? That can be your future, but you have to take that first scary step.

StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 00:47

X post, I'm too slow!

StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 00:49

You're not a fuck up. You're not messing everyone around. Repeat that to yourself! You are not a fuck up.

You can break away, you can have a better quality of life, you really can. x

CatPower · 05/09/2012 00:54

He's emotionally abusive and controlling. You're scared of him. Your daughter will sense this eventually (if she hasn't already), and you don't want her growing up thinking that this is what love feels like. Sure, he loves his DD but if he can't treat you with respect or as an equal he's damaging her. Neither you nor DD deserve to feel this way. Please let your family give you the support you need until you're able to make an informed decision about what you want and need. Meantime we're all here for you.

Original poster
lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 01:04

takes deep breath Okay...Fuck it. I'm doing it. I knew I should never have came here in the first place. I'm happiest on the odd occasion when he leaves the house and it's just me and DD. I feel like I can be myself. I can put my music on, dance about with DD and sing along to the silly songs on her cartoons. I'm sorry for that lapse I had there. I think it's the nerves. Thank you everyone for not thinking any less of me. I'm just so confused right now. I've been with him on and off since I was 16 (I'm 23 now) I think it might be thinking about facing life without him, the fear of the unknown, the thought of basically running away with DD. I have a V.overactive imagination and keep imagining seeing pictures of me and DD on the news, saying we're missing and stuff (I really need to stop watching so much TV!) First thing I do when I get to my mums tomorrow is give my dad a huge hug, I haven't seen him in 5 months! Thanks again everyone! DD and I are going on an adventure tomorrow :) She's never been on a train tomorrow so I'm going to try my best to make a difficult day for myself a fun day for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 01:04

*So tomorrow

Sorry, when I get into typing I tend to make mistakes!

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 05/09/2012 01:04

Lions it's normal to be afraid of taking a big step like this. You must make your own decisions in your own time ....AND you must stay safe.

I will only say that 'he's such a great dad and I don't want to split my family up' is something we see on MN again and again. In most cases the man is likely to be escalating his abuse towards violence ....and both mother and child are being put at risk by this fear of upsetting the child.

A good dad never frightens and upsets his child's mother. He just doesn't.

That's all I can say lions, I do understand if you want to step back, and no-one will judge. Post on here if it helps, there are many people who have been where you are.

Markingthehours · 05/09/2012 01:10

It might seem very hard to begin with, I think the sadness and guilt can be overwhelming even tho u know u've done the best thing really. But the bleakness and sadness pass - and then you start to really feel all the benefits of not being with a controlling partner.

You are very young and still have all your life ahead of you. Just get thru this awful bit and it will get better and happier.

You are absolutely doing the best thing for ur daughter.

Good luck tomoro. Any shit - ring 999 straight away - the police see this all the time and will know what to do.

Markingthehours · 05/09/2012 01:13

DO NOT be tempted to tell your dp - that would not be safe.

StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 01:13

I think it is a wise decision lion :) Your daughter will think its a big adventure; going on a train, visiting her grandparents, she'll have a marvelous time! And you will get the space you need to work out your next move. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, please feel free to PM me if you need to talk or anything.

Original poster
lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 01:16

Hopefully shouldnt be any shit...I'm planning on doing it when he's out. Basically as soon as he's out that door...Give or take 15 minutes incase he forgets anything, I'm packing a bag and we're out of here! One thing though...How the hell do I keep a 14mo amused during a 2 hour train journey?!

OP posts:
Original poster
lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 01:19

Thank you stunt. She's never been to her grandparents house before. Good thing is, they have a cot and a high chair there for her. Partner refused to let me take her there so the stuffs never been used.

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MmeLindor · 05/09/2012 01:21

Does any of this sound familiar?

I am betting that it does.

It is totally normal to be worried about makign the right decision, because he has trained you to doubt your own feelings and thoughts.

It is also totally normal to worry about the effects that this will have on your DD but please remember that you are not taking her away from her lovely daddy. A good dad does not treat the mother of his child like crap. A good dad raises his child by example - she will see him being respectful towards others and learn to be respectful. A good dad does not frighten his daughter and her mother.

Take the time you need to make that decision. You will get the support you need here, even if you have a wobble and are unsure what to do.

StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 01:25

Hmm, maybe a colouring book or something? Sorry I don't have any experience with kids but I'm sure some other posters can offer better suggestions!

Original poster
lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 01:29

I'm hoping if I can keep her amused with a few toys or possibly a two hour game of peek-a-boo...Never fails to make her giggle :) Failing that, if she gets a little ratty, the other passengers can just deal with it. It's not her fault and I'm not going to make her stay quiet!

OP posts:
Original poster
lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 01:30

And yes mme it does, quite a lot of it. It's strange to think all they things are classed as abuse! I found myself saying yes to quite a lot of it :(

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 01:31

I think she'll probably be excited about the journey and then just fall asleep. Or is that just me Blush

Original poster
lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 01:35

She tends to sleep a lot in her GDs car or look out the window so hopefully that will keep her amused enough, if not...I'm sure I can dig out some toys and stuff for her to play with in her pram :) Anyways, I best get some sleep now! Thank you so much to everyone who has posted, you've helped me so much and helped me realize that I can do this!
Will check in before I leave tomorrow...Hopefully around 3-3.30 and when I get to my parents and settled in :)

OP posts:
MmeLindor · 05/09/2012 01:35

Take some little toys or books, and read to her. Perhaps she might sleep a bit.

Don't worry about the train journey, she will be fine.

good luck.

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 01:37

Once you get to your mum's home, phone the police station that is closest to where you are living now and tell them you have left your abusive partner, that you are safe with Women's Aid and that you are letting them know this as it may be that he'll report you missing and you don't want them to waste their time looking for you.

This might stop him calling your parents or trying to put any pressure on them to tell him where you are.

springydaffs · 05/09/2012 01:46

well done rawr (love your nn btw!)

It's hard to take that step but once you do you'll kick yourself for not doing it before. It'll be like when he goes out and you dance around with dd but not just for short, snatched moments - you'll be freeeee Smile

I've done it, plenty of women on here have done it, you can do it. He has kept you a prisoner. He won't get your dd.

btw, does he know where your parents live? does he have the phone number? could he get there to follow you? only saying that because you have to be careful. Best to get into a refuge asap so he doesn't know where you are. DO NOT talk to him or explain. DO NOT tell him where you are (sorry to shout, but you must be careful).

well done sweetie. you're absolutely doing the right thing 100%. as said above, he has ground you down and made you doubt everything about yourself. once he's out of your life you'll get yourself back again - yay! - and dd won't be exposed to his horrible ways. (if he's horrible to dd's mother, he's horrible to her iyswim).

at the refuge you should get the chance to do the Freedom Programme. That'll open your eyes to see you've done absolutely the right thing to get away from him. xx

hlipop · 05/09/2012 02:08

hoping everything goes to plan, i will be thinking of you and your journey, wishing you the best of luck, be strong for your little girl and think of the positives that will come of this x

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 02:11

I'm reproducing the last bit of our 'conversation' on Hiding's thread in case you missed my reply, lion.

You said 'izzy I took some money out the bank tonight and hid my purse. DD has a habbit of playing with it so can always say she must have put it somewhere if he's looking for it in morning'.

And I replied 'In that case, if he tries to take your phone when he goes out ask him to leave it so that you can let him know when you find the purse that dd's put somewhere.'

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 02:16

These twunts often have a sixth sense and he may 'feel' that something's up although he may not be able to work out what.

It's important that you act normally tomorrow. If you've been a bit down and maybe don't bother to get dressed until late in the day, act as usual.

Tell him you've got a headache or think you've got 'flu coming on and you're going to lay on the sofa with dd until he comes back.

If he kicks off IN ANY WAY don't hesitate to dial 999 and get the police round so that you can leave with dd. Don't worry - there's no way the police will tell you that you can't go or that you can't take dd with you.

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