Help me, please

[lionsgorawr]

I'm considering leaving my partner as I am so unhappy with our life. He hardly helps out, wont look for a job and is now being MADE to by the JC and I feel like everything is left to me...Especially taking care of our 14mo DD. Also he can be the most horrible person I've ever met by saying things he knows hurts me like how my own brother probably crashed his car and died to get away from me and my mother.
What terrifies me is I have history of PND and I hold my hands up and admit I have raised my voice on more than one occasion to my DD. He has already told me if I ever tried to leave him he would tell any lie possible to get custody of our child. I actually contacted Womans Aid today and they said if I wanted to do it tomorrow, their offices shut at 3. The dilemma I'm facing is the fact that he has an interview at 3.45 and I wouldn't be able to do it then. I just don't know if I'd be able to wait around much longer and I'm scared I might just cave and put up with it.
I just dont know what to do really! My mum has told me I can come to hers (which is over the other end of the country) but I know SS would have issues with that as my mum had a drug problem (not herion or anything. More hash and valium) she is clean now and is willing to prove it but I don't want to risk doing anything that would cause me to lose DD So I know I have to do it through womans aid.
Please, any advice would be really appreciated!

Given that it's probable that Mrs & Master Gobshite are reading this thread, don't answer my second question on my previous response here.

Do you log on to mumsnet via your phone? Do any pms you send/receive on this site go to your email account?

Is that the best he can do?

Accusing female partner of abuse = incredibly tired, old trick. Utterly transparent. It just isn't worth trying that, it's so obvious?. the agencies have heard all this before.

There are gazillions of abusive men, and they all do the same things, because they are all sick with the same problem. Yes there are abusive women, but they are far, far smaller in number, and have their own way of abusing (clue: not like that).

Don't expect him to play fair or do anything he's agreed to do: it's part of the syndrome.

Please do get your own email account. You can do it in 5 minutes: try Yahoo, Aol, Live/Hotmail, GMX or good old Gmail.

izzy Nothing is true! Like I said in the original post, yes, I did shout at DD once, and that was shouting, not screaming. I was in floods of tears immediately afterwards and have not done it since as I felt horrible about it. I know there is no excuse but it was out of sheer frustration of the prick preferring to lie in his bed rather than bath his own daughter and she was consistently going up to the TV no matter how many times I took her away from it. I only email his father anyway through that account, everything else is done through my new one. Will remember in future to message him on the new one.

In that case, you've got absolutely nothing to worry about and if he reckons he's going to prove any of that claptrap - which, incidentally, I suspect was written by Mrs Gobshite his dear mama - he's going to be severly disappointed.

You should know by now that he's never going to play fair which is why you've got to play hardball.

No more informal agreements with the twunt Ms Nicegal; he's shot himself the foot and your lawyer should have no problem making sure he limps off into the sunset.

All I wanted was custody of DD, he could have access whenever he wanted! I don't see what was wrong with that! I was being perfectly fair. I don't want a long, dragged out fight which is just going to cause more stress than its worth. It's not good for anyone, especially DD. This is about her. Which is exactly what his father said, it's about her, not me vs xp. Sooner it's over with, the sooner DD can have a relationship with her father which is all I want. He's mentioned something about a separation agreement? Anyone know what this is? (I'm clueless when it comes to law)

Are you married to your dd's father?

Just PMed you FF

No, we were just partners

In which case, you've exercised your legal right to leave the twunt and you have no need of a 'separation' agreement.

I would suggest you tell his father that you'll get back to him after you've seen your lawyer.

Looks like a separation agreement is geared towards divorce, so wouldn't apply in your case.

Ahh right. Yes, that does sound like the best thing to do. I know nothing about how the law works or anything so would be best to see my lawyer first so I know what is being said to me is fair and decent.

You don't need to know how the law works as that's what lawyers are for, but you do need to know that terms such as 'custody' and 'separation agreements' don't apply in your case as you - hallelujah! - are not married to your dd's father.

As the mother of your dd, you automatically have parental responsibility and he has joint parental responsibility if he is named as the father on her birth certificate.

However, as you unmarried and are no longer living together, he is a non-resident parent and as such he does not have an absolute right to have contact with your dd.

You are best advised to agree to nothing and sign nothing until you have seen your lawyer and I would suggest that, until you have sought legal advice, you cease all communication with him/his relatives.

Given what he has allegedly written about you and given what you have said about him and his controlling and abusive ways, I would (again) suggest that any contact he has with your dd takes place in the supervised environment of an accredited contact centre as, frankly, I wouldn't trust him or any of his relatives as far as I could throw them - and, as caber tossing is not my forte, that would be in the region of a 1000th or less of an inch as no doubt they'd take the proverbial mile if given a whole inch.

Btw, there's not going to be any 'long dragged out fight'.

You've left him, it's over, and if your lawyer doesn't see him off the Courts will.

Hello OP, bloody well done. You've made my heart soar. I'm concerned about him hacking your email and FB accounts though x

Thanks izzy Your continued support has been fantastic and helped me understand a lot of the jargon thrown my way by a lot of people
Ovary Thats all sorted now, got new accounts for both with VERY SECURE passwords :)

Yay! Have sent you a PM

I have typed out four lots of advice and then deleted them.

You know he's been on here reading! Take steps to get some support in a new place under a different username. I will PM you.

I take the view that as you've nothing to hide, there's no need for you to go into hiding.

If the Gobshites he and his relatives have no moral scruple or principles, they can read about you and your dd's doings here which will serve to fulfil the law's expectation of you as resident parent to update her non-resident parent occcasionally of her general wellbeing and progess - 2 birds with one stone comes to mind

That said, I suggest you refrain from publishing details of your conversations with lawyers, police, and other agencies, here as I'm sure you wouldn't want to spoil any surprise that may be winging it's way to the odious one him.

Hey ladies, finally had a full nights rest and feeling a lot better today :) DD is having the time of her life here and have not heard her giggle so much in a while, she is also being very well behaved which is a big relief! She also made a new friend yesterday and had a wonderful time. She loves it here and its making me happy to see her so happy! Also its giving me the strength to face whatever may be thrown my way :) hope you're all keeping well and thanks for being there when I needed a chat! It's not over yet but I feel I can look ahead now and plan for the future!

Fantastic news OP, keep posting as and when you need to. x

I'm so pleased to see that you're beginning to live life as it should be lived.

Having a happy mummy will have the profound effect that it's clearly beginning to have on your dd because she takes her cues from you. If you're down, she'll be fretful or become attention seeking as she doesn't have the vocabularly to tell you that, if you're unhappy, she feels anxious and unsettled.

The abuse you endured is over and you can confidently plan for a bright future.

Any legal challenge he attempts to mount in respect of dd will not meet with success and I trust he's got the wherewithal to pay the resulting bill which will, of course, be money far better spent on financial support for his dd than on gratifying his mahoosive ego.

Yeah! I've gotten happier each day and it seems she is following the trend too! She listens to me a lot more and is becoming very affectionate, which she wasn't before really. Seeing WA again on wed for some more counselling as they think it could help me deal with the aftermath of the "relationship"

I am the grandfather of the daughter of FF. I know you have been giving advice to FF based on what she has been telling you but I am sure if you knew the real facts your advice would be different. FF is not a bad person but she has had a terrible upbringing from her alcoholic Drug addict mother and she is suffering from PND, She has not been taking her medication for an underactive thyroid which makes her very tired and her own health visitor is communicating with Social Services in her new area, as she has concerns that FF has taken the baby to her mother as FF has told HV that her mum is dangerous. HV is also concerned that FF is well enough to look after a child without support. My primary concern is for my GD and all I want is her safety and for my son to at least have contact with his daughter. I am not naive, I realise relationships break up but FF has promised that she would never stop our family (who have supported and loved GD since her birth). I have always supported FF and she will tell you I have never taken his side over her. Very recently I told her that GD should have contact with FFs mother even if supervised but FF insisted she would not put GD in that danger!! Just recently son and FF met the mother who would not let them go and they had to get security from shopping mall to apprehend the mother while they escaped!! I am sure you read the post of FF (formerly Lionsgorawr) about how the mother abused her both in her youth and during her pregnancy. I took the liberty of printing a copy of that post for our meeting with solicitor tomorrow as I have copied this post. FF has admitted to me that some of what she has said is untrue and I probably think my son has said things he shouldnt have either. This is not about FF versus my son but its about a baby and I just want them to get this part sorted. I am not going to talk about custody thats for the professionals to sort out, all I want is for us to keep up contact with our beloved GD. I know FF made claims of things such as he took the phone and bank card when he was going out! This was because they had one bank card and one mobile phone between them and she preferred to be able to contact my son (she had the landline) if anything was wrong with GD. She also claims she was leaving because he wouldnt get a job, but she has stopped him getting a job because she cant cope without him. Indeed she left on the day he got a job for that very reason. I am not making excuses for either of them. I think part of the problem was they never left the house and were always under each others feet. They were both lazy regarding housework. FF needed my son to care for GD as she wasnt able to. She was always too tired because of depression. I have documentary evidence to back all of the above and I dont mind sharing that with you but I would need to get advice with the solicitor first. I am giving you this information so that you can provide her with more balanced guidance and like I say I will leave it to the professionals to decide what was best for GD. Our family sympathise with FF and the problem was that they were surrounded by our family and she needed her own family and friends but that was a problem of her own making. That was her choice!! Regards

FF has maintained throughout that she doesn't want to stop her daughter's dad from having contact! And as far as I can remember, the bits about her being abused by her mother while pregnant where written in that mail that she stumbled accross in her ex's account, written by him, not by her

I knew this would happen.

Regardless of your version of events. This thread was started by your grand daughter's mother to get support during the breakdown of her relationship with your son. It is not about his side, it is her place to get support and advice.

Do you honestly not see what is wrong with a scenario where your daughter in law and young grandchild are left without a mobile phone or bank card for the day while your son is out!??! Seriously? This is not a normal situation and however you try to spin it any professional involved would see it a financial abuse, and controlling behaviour.

Finallyfree if you are still reading please get in touch with Women's aid again for further advice. I am going to private message you.