just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

I dont have any good advice, sorry, but, I understand.

It is the change, which is inexplicible and really unacceptable. His explanation isnt good enough. Something is different. I hope you can get to the bottom of it, but hhhmmm not sure about the promotion to 'DH'.

So during those three weeks how often does in contact you?

3 under 3 is hard OP

DH worked away for five years (home Fri/Sat or Sat/Sun nights only). Mine were 4yrs and tiny baby age.

I got a phone call EVERY night without fail. It is a few years ago now, so no mobiles with texts back then.

I think only you can tell by his tone whether something is wrong or not.

How often does he come home?

Thanks..I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in way of advice, or if there is any to be given really. Each time I bring it up he sends a couple of extra texts or calls randomly during the day for a few days and then it's back to square one. I've text him twice tonight and no reply so I just called and it's ringing but no answer. I have three poorly babies, I'm full of cold myself and I've been up since half four...I was hoping for a bit of conversation and support from him but it seems I'm not getting it.. Gaah..I hate feeling like this.

Think we've spoken for about twenty minutes over the space of this week. He'll text to say he'll call then get in so late all he does is crash out.

Hello Kurt
My STBXH also worked away all the time, and was exactly the same as yours (i.e. he said he'd call or text and then rarely got round to it). Whenever I had a word with him about it he'd up his game for a few days and then go back to his normal routine. It felt like banging my head against a brick wall.
It was depressing and made me feel very low on his priorities. As you might have seen from another thread, I clearly was very low on his priorities.
However, just to say I know how awful it feels (and I don't have the DC) and for me it's really very very important if one partner works away to keep in regular contact with home. Vital infact. Otherwise the one left at home can feel neglected.
Sorry if that's not much help, but just to offer some support and understanding for how you feel.

Thanks Lou I think I've seen your thread and I'm sorry. I do feel neglected and that sounds awfully spoilt, like I expect to be on top of his list..of course I don't, he is working after all and bloody hard at that, there's never any question of that and I often tell him how proud I am of his work ethic etc. To me regular, quality contact is vital to the survival of a relationship where one is away so much, I text him each morning and night, it's hard to call him on an evening now because he's always out but when he wasn't we pretty much called each other everytime we thought of something to say to the other if that makes sense. I still felt close to him, even though he was away. Now I'm beginning to feel like an afterthought or a chore. A quick five mins on the phone here or a rushed text there. It feels horrible. And yes, it is like banging my head against a brick wall because he knows he's not in touch as much, he's admitted he sees that but he doesn't seem inclined to give me any valid reasons why, just excuses really.

So he knows you are feeling neglected, but he can't /won't do anything about it?

I think Lou has some wise words here.

I relate to everything you say. I also used to ask for a text each morning and each night. To me that felt very important. I also used to feel like a chore or an obligation.

I think even before my husband was 'playing away' there was still an element of laziness in him that didn't appreciate how isolated I could feel left at home while he was out at social events.

It's very hard, and must be even harder with children. I often wished I could reverse the situation to see how HE would feel being left at home all the time!

I'm really sorry but the only thing I can add is that my ex did exactly the same.

He worked away each week for years, I would get a call without fail every night plus rapid responses to text messages.....but then it all changed...he suddenly stopped replying, his phone would run out of battery so he didn't call me in the evening etc

I very quickly found out it was because he had started a relationship with a shiney new colleague of his.

I hope you get to the bottom of it all!

My dh works away a lot, in the cities a lot.

Now. He does call every night with out fail. Text a lot etc.

He should be supporting you. As you have the hardest job. He cannot just go out living it up and coming home to family comforts when he treats you like you don't exist 80% of the time.

Plus I know social things etc, you can't expect them to stay in the hotel room all night. But acting single, ignoring his family and pissing up family money in london all night every night? Fuck that.

I wouldn't be surprised if there was an OW on the scene - if not now then perhaps it will only be a matter of time. He has the opportunity and if he is not as attentive as he once was perhaps he's distancing himself from you because of guilt. Sorry if you think I'm speaking out of turn but my H suddenly stopped sending as many text messages\calls whilst he was away. 9 Months later I discover he was seeing an OW.

Lou you're saying exactly what i've been feeling. And the sad thing is it really didn't used to be that way, there was no feeling that he resented calling me or texting me, just that we were both doing what we could to keep things simmering while we were apart, pretty much like you do before you live together. And I do feel very isolated, it's awful at times, even though I meet friends and family for shopping, coffees, baby groups etc and I've made a decent little life, it's hard to see him putting some status on FB about the nightclub he's just rolled out of at 4am and I'm sat BFing or trying to settle DC and its yet another night when he hasn't taken ten minutes out of his night to call me.
HMG that's it exactly, he never failed to call or text and then suddenly he's too busy to reply or his phone is dead. I'm sorry for what it turned out to be with your ex, I have been trying not to think the worst tbh. I have asked if there's anything I should know, if anything has changed but he's adamant there's nothing wrong. I honestly think (hope) it's because he's socialising so much. But it sucks to think he can't take a little time out of his evening to speak to me, or even stay in one night and actually have a proper phone conversation with me. If I mention it, I'm spoiling his fun or hindering his social life. I don't like how that makes me feel. If this is coming over as me resenting him having a social life, I really don't, I have one of my own just not as wild or as regular as his but I'm quite happy with it and would rather be with my babies than out anyway. I just hate how far down his list I've fallen and honestly don't know what I can do about it or how to deal with the feelings that go with it.

Long ago and far away, I use to travel quite a lot for work. What I noticed is that the married/with family male colleagues ALWAYS had scheduled family phone calls. It was just the norm. Even the ones who were cheating still had regular daily contact I guess what I'm saying is for a partner to drop that facade altogether and change so drastically -- he is sending you a very clear signal. Sorry if I missed this, are the DC his? (just to determine how much of a shit he is being here)

Houseof..exactly, I would hate to think of him bored stiff in some hotel room but we still have things to pay off for the wedding not to mention three babies to support, rent, bills etc and we're not exactly rolling in it. I'm trying very hard not to feel angry towards him as I do love him very much but you are right when you say he's treating me as if I don't exist 80% of the time. It's like he thinks oh good old kurt, she'll be right where I left her and everything will be fine and dandy. Like I'm part of the furniture. He never has to wonder where I am, I am exactly where he left me.

Toomany..no, you're not speaking out of turn. It's something that keeps lurking at the back of my mind, not necessarily OW because he works in different cities each time he's away but perhaps he's loving the 'single' life so much that having to call/text me reminds him he has responsibilities at home, that he's a thirty year old man with a partner and three children, not a footloose and fancy free kid like the majority of people he works with.

Poor you op. He's being really negligent of his relationship with you, and probably his children too. How can he not want to phone to see how they are! He's being very selfish.

I suspect he's deflecting by saying that you don't want him to have a social life, when you've made it very clear that's not the problem.

Pchip yes we have three under 3's, lived together nearly six years, getting married in January.

Sorry, but you sound lovely and he absolutely doesn't deserve you. You're trying so hard to be understanding and accommodating, but his behaviour is shocking. You say it must be 'boring as hell' for him to be sat in a hotel room, and yet you're at home on your own night after night looking after three little ones. I think most people would agree that you've got the raw deal here.

How long has he been working away like this? When did you feel that his behaviour started to change? Is he wholeheartedly into getting married? Are you?

I think you have posted about him and your relationship before.

I think the last thread concluded with you planning to leave him? He pays your rent, and that is pretty much his only contribution to your relationship?

Clearly he is not that interested in you, or his family, if he cant be bothered to stay in touch, and live the life of a single man three quarters of his life.

Oh no. This is completely unacceptable. You're looking after 3 kids on your own, you get no phone call, the see on fb that he's been in a nightclub??? This is awful! Really awful.

Does he think this is ok behaviour? Sure, he's allowed a social life but nightclubbing regularly when your DP is at home bf'ing? Nope, that's way beyond reasonable.

By the way, ask any woman on here how boring they would find a hotel room on their own. Most of them would bloody love to get that personal space. He has 3 kids and he's out clubbing regularly?

This is so wrong. I don't see why you are marrying him, sorry op.

That's not normal at all. When DH works away he always calls, normally twice (second time for "night night") and if he's away for more than a night we Skype so he sees DD.

I think you're right he's running a single life and a settled life and that's not fair at all.

This throwing it back on your about ruining his fun is also not on! There's a whole spectrum between sitting in a hotel on your own and rolling out of clubs at 4am! Every night? How much is it denting your finances? I hope you're not scrimping to subsidise his hedonism!

You have a much harder job because whatever hours he works you're on 24/7 with no relief.

But Kurt you should be top of his list, you are his soon-to-be wife. You should be his biggest priority here - you and the children.

This would hurt, a lot. DP is also working away at the moment, he's been out there 3 months now. He's out there because the job that he's always dreamed of is there and it's a chance of a lifetime. It's temporary - we're planning to go out too, at some point. He does go out, drinks, makes friends etc but he also makes time to speak to me (even when his internet is down - calling directly is expensive). And it still hurts sometimes to think that he can do whatever he likes, he doesn't have to worry about babysitters etc, while I'm stuck at home and I only have one child and he isn't even biologically his (although he misses him like crazy!)

What is the reason for him having this kind of job, can I ask? You say you're not rolling in it, so it's not like he's being paid fantastic money... is it going somewhere, because you don't want to be stuck in this situation for years to come.

If you want to change this, you need to put the boot on the other foot so to speak. Stop calling / texting him, and make a few plans of your own when he is home and leave him with the DCs.... He may cop on to himself then.

I would however question the clubbing etc as a) you're right about the money aspect - it's very expenxive b) how is he in a fit state to work the next day ... If he is spending a lot when away maybe he needs to be looking for a job closer to home, even if his income is a little lower as he won't be spending as much and it will help your relationship.

Thanks all...you are so kind. I've asked more than once in the last month or so if he's lost interest in the relationship, in which case he should just tell me so I can make plans and move on. I love him to death but if he wants an end to it then I won't beg him to stay. He says no, he wants to marry me, that he's working toward a promotion that will mean he can be static in our home town and that should happen before christmas.

I think at the bottom of him he knows this is unacceptable behaviour as he says yeah, I did used to call every night didn't I..and then he does it for a bit..and then stops again. I work hard at home, I love him, I accept he enjoys being out...but I am sad and tired of feeling neglected. I've called him tonight but the phone just rings out. Makes me feel very alone. I will be disappearing in a bit, I fancy a natter with my mum before I go to bed. Thanks all.