just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

Honestly? I think it's the job. The more he's gotten into it, the more networking he has to do which does mean nights out and the majority of the people he works with are late teens early twenties and they're clubbing it etc so he wants to keep up. But he's doing it at the expense of our relationship and I could say he doesn't seem to realise it but I've told him enough times that he surely must know it by now.

Are you prepared to put your foot down.
Have you asked him to get a job nearer to home.

amillionyears there is no chance of that, he's on the corporate ladder and there's no way he'll get off it until he gets where he wants to be. I have heard from him this morning, wasted my breath yet again telling him how crap I feel, listened to the sorries again..and round we go until something gives.
I won't be around today, I'm off to my parents for the day, 2 hours on the train with three tiny ones, wish me luck!! And thanks all for your comments, you're all very kind [flowers ]

KurtWild I know you shouldn't but is there any way yo get hold of his emails/texts?

Mine was adament he still wanted to marry me (everything was bought & arranged) but changed his tune once I'd accidently seen messages between him and his bit - arranging to go to hers for dinner "just the two of them" instead of clubbing with the others.

Everything became very clear after that. He still denied there was anything going on with her.

He left me 5 months before the wedding and went to Barcelona with her the weekend after dumping me and they're still together.

Needless to say he picked up the cost of the wedding venue and my dress (glad I didn't have a budget for that now and my parents spent a fortune lol)!!!! Just wish I'd kept the ring!

I'm sorry I don't want to panic you but your situation has taken me back 2.5 years. His behaviour isn't right.

Sorry Kurt. if he's got time to update his FB status, then he has time to at least text you, if not call you.

If you are this low down on his list of priorities before you are married, where will you be after?

As others are saying, something doesn't sit right here.

I don't see how the issue can just be the job and wanting to keep up with the younger ones, because he's still behaving unacceptably when he is at home. He still doesn't want to spend all his time with you and the kids which after 3 weeks away he should.

I think you need to take control of this, OP, and cancel the wedding.

His heart clearly isn't in the relationship, is it? He's detaching himself and pretending to himself and to everyone else that he's a single bloke.

Don't ask him if he wants to marry you. Tell him you are not going to marry him, that you thought he was different but now you know he's just an immature man who, after fathering three children, now wants to live life as a single man.

Tell him he needs to get his things out of your house and go and play being 21.

You need to shock him, OP. If you're just complaining (not that you're wrong to do this) then he'll just switch off and carry on doing what he's doing. Let him know that whether you marry or not isn't up to him. What he's doing isn't acceptable, so don't accept it.

Tell him this weekend that you want him gone by next weekend.

My ex was the same. Then when I was pregnant with DD2, he moved into the spare room when he was home because I was affecting his sleep.
Also, his phone was glued to him all the time.
I think you know the rest.

I fully agree with Imperial
I don't think you want to hear some of what's being said, but he is doing this on purpose. You really need to stop calling and texting and take some control back. I wouldn't marry him unless he changed A LOT. He should be putting you and his children first, yet he puts his job first....

Hi all, haven't disappeared but can't post properly right now as it's turned into a proper family gathering at my parents. I'll try and get on later unless i decide to stay over..thanks x

I agree with Imperial

This man is checking out of the relationship. His behaviour is not right regardless of where he is.

No normal, caring man would behave like this, especially as your children are so young.

I think by behaving in this way, he is hoping you will call time on things saving him the trouble.

You are being strong and I hope you have plenty of support in RL.

Hi all, still at my parents but finally got chance to update. As I write this he's all over FB, chatting away on peoples statuses, comments that are obviously in-jokes because I don't understand what they're on about. Is it pathetic of me to feel left out of this life he has? He called me shortly after the DC went to sleep and had me off the phone in less than five minutes, as soon as I tried to start an actual proper conversation, suddenly he was really tired and wanted to sleep. Then when I go on FB ten minutes later to look at my cousin's wedding photos for my mum, there he is larger than life and still on now. It seems he has all the time in the world for others but so little for me. I'm sorry, I keep repeating myself and it's pointless. Just don't know how to get through to him, especially when he has me off the phone inside five minutes. Think I'll go chat to my mum for a bit..thanks everyone for your comments, I am taking them on board xx

I don't know how you can get through to him.

It seems that he just doesn't see or treat you as his priority anymore. You can't force someone to do that. Its his choice. Sorry, this must really hurt

I would possibly tell him that you are postponing the wedding and why and maybe that you would like him to move out for the time being. If that doesn't shock him into seeing what he is doing, destroying your relationship, then i don't know what will.

If it doesn't work then i think the relationship is lost anyway.

It's weird.

I don't think it's another woman, because it does seem as though he is just sitting in the hotel room being on facebook or being pissed in nightclubs.

This might sound awful, but would it not be better to marry him in any case, then if he turns out to be a dick at least you will do better financially by divorcing him (when you will get assets) rather than just breaking up with him, where you would only get child support?

I don't think its a woman either, he has enough trouble connecting with me! And when he's home he's never secretive with phone, no random texts at odd times and always leaves it around, leaves his FB and hotmail open on laptop, no deleting history etc...it's just this lifestyle he's gotten into and he's absolutely loving it, loving being the hedonist he was before we met (he was into some pretty wild scenes in his teens/very early twenties) and I know settling down has been a jolt for him but it was what he wanted and he said we gave his life meaning. I do want to marry him, very much so, I love him so bloody much but this job is making him into someone I barely know anymore. Or maybe it's turning him back into the man he was before I knew him?

He has a choice though. He doesn't have to let the job change him.

He THINKS he's single. He's only attached in his mind, when he is physically at home with you. He's not being the family man that he is meant to be. If you want him, (think carefully), then withdraw. Show him what he's missing. Get him off the phone asap, don't text and don't ring. When he's home, leave him with the kids and say you're going to the shop but take your time. Let him be the one to wonder. At the minute he's got it all his own way.

Well I'm staying at my mum and dads for the rest of the week. They're both concerned about me burning myself out and want to give me a week off which is very 'them', they're just ace. I text DP to tell him I'm staying at my parents and he text back immediately asking why and how long for so I think that's given him a shock. My mum suggested I not answer straight away and let him sweat for a bit but that feels wrong, and he'll probably call if I don't answer anyway.

Listen to your mum...

Let him sweat. I am not one for game playing, but you know he is taking you for granted. Let him get a little nervous, it might save your relationship. Though I have to say, he doesn't sound like much of a catch.

Just because he calls doesn't mean you have to answer, he doesn't.

I had an FB notification this morning so went on to see what it was and the first thing that hit me was that he'd literally been on half the night commenting on the photos and status of a girl he's been working with this week, young blonde thing saying she can't sleep and he's all aww and then kisses and winky faces then saying stuff like 'wow ' on her photos and she's all over his stuff too with likes and what have you. I've got myself into a state, I literally feel sick and my insides are tied in knots. He hasn't acknowledged the text I sent telling him I'm just staying here the week, nor the panicky one I sent him this morning when I noticed the 'all-nighter' convos on FB.. of course it's public but I'm convinced he'll have been on chat with her the whole time. Gaah this is horrible. I've never been the insecure type, suddenly I'm in pieces :(

Oh dear Kurt it looks like you have the answer. Don't rush to talk to him, even if you can. Let the realisation sink in: he is not the man you think he is. You need time to process this and work out what to do. Talk to your mum (who sounds ace!) and let her guide you. And

Thanks lemon I'm really trying not to have a meltdown, maybe they just hit it off well hence all the activity but God he's interacted more with her in the last 24 hours than he has with me and that can't be right can it?? I don't want to jump to conclusions but I'm all over the place now with all kinds of scenarios playing out in my head. My mum is ace, she's just taken DC out for a drive for a bit so I can think straight.
I know if I ask who she is and why so many late night interactions he'll say isn't he allowed friends and what am I accusing him of.. it's no win for me..if I mention it he'll get defensive, if I don't I'll drive myself potty not knowing if I should be concerned or not.

It is unlikely you will get your H to admit to the extent of the relationship he has with this girl. He will deny and minimise and make you look like a hysterical loon. It may be best to say "I know about XX and it explains why you have been distancing yourself from me and the DC. I am not prepared to tolerate it so either you end it or you don't come home" That doesn't give him an opportunity to deny.
Actually should he even get a chance to come back? Perhaps you should just tell him "I know all about XX and you are not welcome here..." and let him convince you she meant nothing, he was just lonely etc etc.
Look after yourself. You must be all over the place!