just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

Is there an element of panic on his part re the marriage, do you think? Is this his immature way of showing he's still young, free and single?

FWIW, my DH works away all week every week. He calls every night and speaks to whichever DC is around and then to me. That's not me being smug, that's me trying to show you what normal is like.

Just reread your post.
He's a 30 year old father of 3, yet he's falling out of nightclubs in the early hours nearly every night? As if that wasn't bad enough,he's started staying out all night.

And all the while, you're at home with 3 under 3's? How dare he call you needy.

Alarm bells ringing. Clear you have your doubts too.

Sorry.

Oh.. missed the 'falling out of nightclubs' bit. Guess that throws whole other light on it.

Post earlier that DH worked away for five years... he never went near a nightclub.

Bertie..hassled..everyone..It used to be the norm for us, he couldn't wait to call, never missed a text etc, always apologised if he couldn't call when he said he would. I do think he's trying to prove he's not past partying with the younger ones, which is all well and good but at what cost? There was a time when he first started this job (of his dreams btw) that I actually thought the time apart did us good, we missed each other so much, it was almost like when we were first together, sweet little texts and long conversations into the night, then when he got home it was like a mini honeymoon period. Infact I think I posted something along those lines on someone's thread under another name. Now I just dread him going as we seem to drift further and further in opposite directions :(

If you want to change this, you need to put the boot on the other foot so to speak. Stop calling / texting him, and make a few plans of your own when he is home and leave him with the DCs.... He may cop on to himself then.

I would probably do that actually. I have this image of you sitting at home waiting 3 weeks for him while he's pissing it up. He comes home and you are there waiting. How dare he take you for granted! I would treat him how he's treating you by making him last on your list of priorities on his week home.

What poo says... when he gets home hand him the LOs and head out.

I've tried it all tbh, stopping texting him just meant even less contact and doing stuff without him when he came home made him chuffed he had the house to himself :(

Oh if I say I'm leaving DC with him he suddenly has work emails and such...I am literally with them 24/7 regardless of whether he's home or not. And then he tells me I don't socialise enough

So is he not keen to spend time with you when he comes home!? Even after having not seen you and hardly spoken for 3 weeks?

Have you considered postponing your wedding? Not wanting to sound dramatic, but things aren't sounding right.

Kurt something has clearly changed here.

What do you want to do? Do you still want to marry this man?

He is behaving as a single man, not one with a partner and children. Staying out all night is not innocent fun.

I would guess he is with a woman.

Even when he's home he doesn't commit to family life and do his share? So you don't get a break?

Its sounding more and more like he's treating you really badly, like the live in house keeper/nanny rather than an equal partner.

What about YOU?! When is he going to think of YOU? Do you think he ever will? You've spoken to him about it enough and nothing has changed. Can he just not be bothered, not care or does he think this is acceptable and the roles you should both play?

What sort of set up did his parents have?

Oh god, this was me three years ago. It's agonising and it didn't end well, I'm afraid. Xh cultivated a whole new single life for himself and we grew too far apart to repair. There were other women, he now lives with one of them.

If I were you I would genuinely be pressuring him to look for other work. So sorry, it's really tough I know.

Sorry, but this just is SO wrong. I'm guessing between all the running around with 3 kids and being on your own, your confidence is low, you don't interact with other adults, and he's made you question yourself. He is wrong. Full stop. DD and I went to visit grandparents for few weeks. DH called at least twice a day, every day. Would get upset if he was in meeting after little one's morning nap and missed his call. That- a father missing his child and acting like it - is normal.
Your DP is behaving not only like a bachelor but like a childless single man. Shame on him

PooPoo..yes, I even said as much, I gave him his 'get out of marriage free card' and he turned it down...but you know when you get that niggly little feeling in your stomach that something's not going to happen, like you've planned a BBQ but you're pretty sure it'll rain so you won't be able to have it...that's how I'm beginning to feel about out wedding, even though it's booked and partially paid for :(

Do you want to make that choice for you both? About the wedding i mean. Rather then waiting for him to decide if he wants to be a member of your family or not.

He doesn't want to spend any time with you even when he's at home?
He's telling you to go out more and saying he wants the house to himself?

I think he's checked out of this relationship. Now he'll try and justify it by calling you needy and demanding.

Shame on him.

DH works away a lot and rarely keeps in touch, but I am used to it and have never been the anxious type wanting him to phone every day. He often goes abroad and keeps his mobile switched off as he doesn't want roaming charges, he will email occasionally but that's it. He likes to focus on his work when he's out there and the different time zones make it hard to stay in touch. It works for us but I know other couples tend to have contact every day, but both DH and I are the type to only phone/text to exchange information, not just to say goodnight or whatever.

What really matters is how he treats you when you're together and it doesn't sound good. When DH is home he makes sure I get plenty of down time (including staying out with the girls till 2am...just because you have dc doesn't mean you can't let your hair down...). I know he respects what I do and I value his work so I don't hassle him about his time away as I know he's providing for us.

Thanks all, sorry I can't namecheck everyone but you're all so kind. Pchip strangely enough I'm quite high on the confidence meter, I've made a nice life for us with friends, family etc so not too bad on that score, luckily I'm quite a strong person but there are times when I just don't want to have to be strong, I just want to lean on DP and have the support he used to afford me when he was away. It does feel very much like he's living a single life, a life very separate from us as a couple and a family.
I hate it when he stays out all night, I get this horrible feeling like my stomach is tied in knots...I was single once, I do know how people behave when they're out on the piss all night and it's not good... then I wonder if he's back at the hotel safely and often have to wait til the following evening to find out. I hate the life he's leading, is that awful? Shouldn't I be glad he has nights out and friends??

spikey thanks for your comment, I wish I was more like that...but I suppose if he hadn't started off with lots of contact then I'd have been used to it being that way and it would've been fine... it's the fact that there used to be loads and now it's scarce.

I'm not surprised you hate the life he's chosen to lead. Fair enough, he's had to work away.

But there's a world of difference between say, occasional meals out with friends and staying out all night and going to nightclubs.

What does you mum think? Does she like/trust him.

, I gave him his 'get out of marriage free card' and he turned it down...

Because hes got you servicing him domestically thats why.

carnivorous...my dad worked away a lot and that was in a time before mobiles and he could only phone home once a week so she's a bit on the fence. She was used to little contact and as my dad was a musician he was out every night and she never knew what he was up to..she just trusted he'd 'behave'. She's very much chin up Kurt old chap, he'll be home before you know it, us Wild women are made of sterner stuff, broad back and all that.

Yeah its good to be glad he has nights out with friends but this is way more then that. He's out all the time, is distant and is still distant when he is at home.

carer you may be right, more often than not these days I feel like the nanny/housekeeper and it doesn't sit well. He hasn't called at all today nor answered my texts. For all I know he's in a club and can't hear his phone or asleep in his hotel or dead in a ditch somewhere. He never used to be inconsiderate. Nor selfish. If I say it's the job that's changed him he gets all defensive, but it has.

Is it the job though? Or someone a shiny new kids free pa