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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just want to get this off my chest..

641 replies

KurtWild · 25/08/2012 20:38

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/08/2012 20:32

great posts, blackcurrants and stuffit

what they said

KurtWild · 28/08/2012 20:48

He knows he's left me hanging with a bombshell.. but there he is large as life on FB and hasn't even thought to text or call me today to have a proper conversation. I just want to call him and give him a piece of my mind. I'm so angry with him for putting me through this shit and in this ridiculous situation.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/08/2012 20:56

he is a cruel person

horrible man, he doesn't deserve his family

CarnivorousPanda · 28/08/2012 21:00

The fact that he thought it appropriate to TEXT you with this news is absolutely disgusting and I'm afraid, tells you all you need to know.

I hope you are getting loads of support in RL.

This "man" does not deserve you.

KurtWild · 28/08/2012 21:05

I haven't cried up until now, I've been good strong mummy because my babies don't deserve to be looking at a sad face but now I'm in tears and he's just chatting away to his nice shiny new friends, all the while knowing that he's left me hanging. I never, ever thought he would become this kind of man.

OP posts:
CarnivorousPanda · 28/08/2012 21:12

Kurt I'm so sorry.
Do you have someone with you or can you call/see your mum for a bit of support?

delilahlilah · 28/08/2012 21:20

I have to say that I would struggle not too change my own relationship status to single on FB as he seems to think that FB is the place to communicate with everyone. Probably not good advice, but I am so cross on your behalf. What a fucker.

delilahlilah · 28/08/2012 21:20

oops *to
Too cross to type correctly!

KurtWild · 28/08/2012 21:21

I'm at my mum and dad's.. I'm going to go for a walk for a bit, I hate breaking down in front of them, they have been so ace these last couple of days :(

OP posts:
KurtWild · 28/08/2012 21:25

I'm going to call him while I'm out. I'm too angry not to get this off my chest. How dare he do this to me.

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 28/08/2012 21:27

I don't think you should call him....

KurtWild · 28/08/2012 21:30

So it's OK for him to make two bloody FB status updates, be right there on chat, but not call or text me? And I'm supposed to sit by and let him get away with that? How can I not want to give him a piece of by mind? Gaaah..

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 28/08/2012 21:35

I don't think what he is doing is ok at all. I think he will just pull the same shit to get off the phone, and in his mind he will think you phoning = you trying to keep him as he thinks he is getting away with murder

delilahlilah · 28/08/2012 21:36

A piece of your mind is much too valuable to give to him.
I think he will have more of a shock if you don't call or text.

blackcurrants · 28/08/2012 21:38

Don't call him.
Don't.

He will think "oh, it doesn't matter what I do, she has a strop but then she realises she needs me, she calls, we end up talking, it's okay."

He's waiting for you to call him, so he can apologise a bit, make a few promises, and carry on as before. Don't.

foolonthehill · 28/08/2012 21:39

De lurking:

Step away from the phone unless you are going to lay down the law about what happens from here. just giving him a piece of your mind is unlikely to make you feel better and won't resolve the issue.

Are you prepared to tell him that he is acting in an immature and selfish way, that he is not welcome at home until he is prepared to both act and be a responsible adult, a good role model for the Dc and a caring and loving partner to you? Could you tell him that as far as you are concerned he is not the man he was and as such you could not promise to love him and stay with him as he has become a stranger more involved in his virtual face book life than in the reality of a family, small children and a finacee who was in love with the man who proposed to her????

foolonthehill · 28/08/2012 21:40

and no, it's not ok for him to do that....and of course you CAN phone/text/FB..... but if you want to achieve something you need to know why and what you are doing. If you just want him to hear an angry voice then that you can easily achieve......

toomanyeasterbunnies · 28/08/2012 21:42

Kurt - don't call. Tell us what you want to say to him. Write it down but don't call him. Let him sweat - let him think he's lost you. Stay strong - he doesn't deserve you.

mrsconfuseddotcom · 28/08/2012 21:43

How nice are you?! I would have kicked him into touch a long time ago. ,

I would wait until he bothered to contact me then tell him the wedding was off. I would then tell him I would contact him in a couple of days to discuss visiting arrangements for the DCs. Blunt and to the point. No discussion. Stick to your guns. He needs A BIG SHARP SHOCK or he will forever treat you like a doormat.

PooPooOnMars · 28/08/2012 21:44

Kurt Sad

KurtWild · 28/08/2012 21:56

I hear what you're saying, I haven't called..I won't call. But he's stubborn. I know this will turn into a stand -off and that won't achieve anything.
What do I want to say to him...I want to ask why he thinks it's OK not to keep in touch when he's promised he will, why once again I'm at the bottom of his list of priorities when I should be at the top, why everything we discussed while he was at home seems to have been forgotten the minute he walked out of the door. I also want to say that if he's having doubts about the wedding then fine, I won't be messed around. He will turn it all around on me. He will say I haven't text him today, he will say I was the one threatening to postpone the wedding. He'll say I'm the one throwing our relationship away over a few missed phone calls. I know my DP very well. We rarely argue bit when we do he always plays the same cards.

OP posts:
mrsconfuseddotcom · 28/08/2012 21:58

You deserve so much more. What a waste of time and energy.

AnyFucker · 28/08/2012 22:00

Deal a different deck then

If you keep giving the same responses, you will get the same behaviour

Decide if this is what you deserve, and act accordingly

I wouldn't marry a man who could do this

He has done you a favour here...he has shown the person he is before you married him. Many cruel and abusive people wait to show their true colours until after their partner has invested their all, thus more likely to tolerate it

Don't be that person who tolerates this...over and over again

KurtWild · 28/08/2012 22:01

...he won't call me and ask if everything's ok and has he upset me..he won't call and say he wants to make amends and talk seriously about the wedding.. the man he was a few months back would have done that..this one will just call my bluff ad infinitum. This is horrible.

OP posts:
mrsconfuseddotcom · 28/08/2012 22:04

110% agree with AnyFucker.

If you do go ahead and get married I very much think you live to regret it. He is treating you like this a few months before you get married. What will he be like in 10 or 20 years time?

Sorry Kurt, would love to wave a magic wand for you but this is real life and you only get one. Don't waste time.