just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

Oh Kurt I am gobsmacked, what an idiot he is. You are right he is not the man you knew, whatever decisions he makes regarding his life to dismiss his children as easily as he has shows what a poor excuse of a man he is. I have no doubt your future with your babies is bright, I can't say the same for him. Hang on in there you sound like lovely person & a great mum.

"He's thrilled with his new freedom and basically told me my life is boring and amounts to sod all"

Oh, and am I weird or are clubs the most boring, pointless thing you can do with your weekend?!

Oh Kurt I am so sorry that this is happening to you. But you will be the winner from this, with your three lovely children and a future partner (it will happen, when you are ready for it). He will be left looking at himself in the mirror considering botox to pass as younger. As has been said, his younger colleagues will grow and move, leaving him behind.

I know drugs have been mentioned a few times; it's possible, but not a given. Hedonism can be a drug in itself. He had a history of this pre-you, I think you said some time ago? I do still think he's effectively having a mid-life crisis, rejecting being 30 and, by association, rejecting you and everything he had as an 'adult' - regressing into teenaged self-centredness and selfishness. No, you don't know him any more. He is not the person you knew. Maybe at some point he will come to his senses, but almost certainly it will be too late for him then. The world will have moved on whilst he's stayed in his little hedonistic bubble. When it bursts (and it will in time) he will find himself out of step with anything he could have had. You will have a new life and your lovely children and their four grandparents, and he will - not.

I know it's very early days for you, but hopefully you are starting to realise you really are better off without this selfish loser, who has no idea of what matters most in life.

Kurt what he has said to you has left me speechless.

I just want to show up at one of his fucking 'cool kid' parties and start gushing:

"Do you remember the first time DC went on the big kid potty? You were SO PROUD! See this photo? Yes, you, this is the photo. See you there? You were holding DC down while s/he pooed so it wouldn't go all over the floor again while I was filming."

"He was SO proud of DC's dump he couldn't stop talking for days. Honestly Kurt and I and her other friends were a bit embarrassed. It was like he'd never had a poo bigger than DC from the way he carried on!"

"See that itsy titsy wee-wee?" Doctor's SWORE we were having a girl, we didn't expect DS! Even the doctors were shocked."

MIL said the exact same thing happened with KurtEx. She said "he was just so scared of facing life outside of Mummy his little turtle head went into its shell. How cute is that of him? It's even sweeter because he was such a large baby and it was such a long and arduous birth. Poor boy was just so timid!"

She had to defend him a few times in primary school but KurtEx realised partying was the way to manhood, nothing to do with his penis.

"MIL is so glad he has grown up!"

Young clubbing friends stared horrified

Hmm, it's that self-centredness that make me suspect cocaine. It's no consolation Kurt but he will regret this. You, on the other hand, will be able to look back with pride that you remained dignified and put your dc first.

And your dc will know that too.

"They shouldn't be holding me back he says, they're an excuse to live a boring life"

What the actual shit? Does he not realise that the only way he's been able to have kids and still arse around like a teenager is because you have been around picking up all his slack? Who does he imagine is going to do that for you? I mean, he's not exactly jumping up and down volunteering his time so you can go out, is he?

Dunno what planet he's on, but it's definitely not Earth. What a fool. He's never given life with the little ones a chance, he doesn't even know what it involves, and he's written it off as boring. He's missing out on so much and it's all his own idiotic fault. He's not flipping fit to be a husband and father.

On a practical note, please would you PM me a link to your electronic greetings card site? I will be purchasing all of my Christmas cards from you this year!

"They shouldn't be holding me back he says, they're an excuse to live a boring life"

This screams cocaine to me. I can't see any other reason why he should be so self centred and callous. Detaching from your spouse is one thing, but I am disgusted that he also seems to have detached from his own children. All you can do is protect yourself and your children, by talking to a solicitor and the CSA.

I'm so sorry that you and your children are going through this.

Kurt your beautiful babies will know that you love them & your family will help.......remember "it takes a whole village to raise a child" you and your family ( & hopefully HIS parents if they are amenable) will be there for you & them.

Personally although I agree that every child has a right to see & know their father, if he is a total waste of space as your ex is turning out to be & totally unreliable then why break your neck & upset yourself to maintain contact.

Maybe consider offering him regular supervised contact at a mutually agreeable place -would you be happy with the IL's having them so he can see them?

Sorry if I'm jumping the gun here but he is a complete arse & you are worth SO much more than him.

Kurt I am just speechless at that monstrosity of a conversation.

Erm. At least you know where you stand? I could swear like a sailor go on about how horrific this behaviour is, but you know perfectly well about that, so I will just say this: if this shocking change in him is a result of drugs, he will be utterly ruthless in his pursuit of ready cash. So think hard about taking/protecting/hiding anything that may be in the family home that he might sell at a car boot sale to buy cocaine. It sounds awful to say it, but people seeking their next high- whether coke or just another expensive night out - are people who ruthlessly, recklessly give up anything (theirs or not) to do so.

And well done getting the ball rolling on finances - you're absolutely right to go into Mama-bear mode now, and protect your lovely babies' future.

Also: life with 3 under 3? how on EARTH can that be considered boring? Unexpected surprises are everywhere! (she says, fishing rice krispies out of her bra!)

Any chance he's doing coke or something Kurt?

Try not to allow conversations like that to happen period. It sounds like those things were said in the context of him trying to persuade you to join him in his new shiny happy life and possibly you trying to persuade him to come back. I could be wrong. From here on in, you should be cool with him in the ice cubes sense and keep it to discussion about the kids. I know that's easier said than done, but he's made a choice, and it isn't you and your children so you need to plan a life without him.

And about the kids, no love, he's not starting to detach from them, he's been detached from them for quite a while now. You won't force him to see them so you're better off playing hardball now...

Sorry hadn't seen the drugs suggestion upthread, but that's what it really sounds like to me too.....
Makes sure you have the finances watertight...

Delurking here as finally on a computer so can write a proper pst, phone is useless.

Kurt you have been unbelievably strong and held it together admirably for your DC. They are lucky to have you. I hope you manage to get all the parcticalities sorted out quickly to enable you to move on with your life and start to heal the wounds.

Try not to expect too much in the way of him being a father to your DC because I think you will end up being very disappointed. He clearly has no real interest in them atm, more fool him.

Yep, sounds like planet coke.

He isn't a poor excuse for a man - he's a poor excuse for a human being.

My parents were like this (both of them) when my brother and I were small. We spent most of our time with our Grandparents (we were lucky they were there for us) although they still collected the Child Benefit. Even though they've both passed away now, we still view them more as parents than our actual parents were. Believe me, Kurt, we knew, and still knew, who really loved us, who sacrificed things for us, who cuddled up with us and a hot chocolate in front of the telly on a Saturday night. That is the kind of evening I treasure with my children. An evening clubbing sounds like on earth to me.

Sorry for all the 'me' stuff - it just makes me angry. He is throwing away precious time for the sake of an empty lifestyle. His children won't thank him for it, either now or in the long term.

Delurking here, Kurt, I read through the whole threat last night, honestly,you couldnt make your XP up. Ive thought about you all day today, and am sad for you that you have to go through such a hard time..how awful for you...and you seem SO SO LOVELY!! Im with what some of the others say though, it just doesnt sound right, its just odd. For him to lose interest so quickly at a "pinpointable" time screams either OWomen or coke to me. Something else came into his life at that time. Probably Coke to be honest. I don't think that there is anything in the world you could have done to stop this from happening, he has some serious problems going on in his head. If it helps at all, he is seriously going to regret this terrible decision of his. He is SOOOO not thinking clearly, and when he gets older, its going to be something he is going to have to live with everyday, that he threw it all away, and its going to hurt like hell. You are crying now, he is going to cry buckets later. Especially when he sees you happy and looking smokin hot with a new man. What an idiot he is. Really sending you loads of positive vibes. Hang in there girl.

Another one delurking just to say? worracock.

You're well rid.

Hi all..thank you all so much. I can't even begin to explain just how much your kindness has helped me pick myself up. Ultimately I know I'll be fine and that he's the loser in all this. It's so sad and such a waste of so much love and possibilities for the future but I have to face the fact that he's lost to me.
My biggest hope right now is that he doesn't let the babies down. All I can do is give him the chance to step up and hope their daddy is still in there somewhere. If he messes this up then on his head be it.
For those who've mentioned cocaine I really don't know, I'd hope he wouldn't go down that road but anything is possible I suppose.

After everyone has been so kind and thoughtful, I hate leaving my thread but I was talking with my mum today and we both thought it's time to say goodbye for now. I have to start looking forwards and I'd love to come back in a few weeks with an update saying how awesome life is for me and the babies if that's ok?

All the best to everyone who posted and shared their thoughts and experience and advice and hugs or just talked to me about hair colour and pedicures.. you know who you all are. And you're all fab! (not enough flowers in the world) X

Bye bye Kurt. Look after your babies and come back when and if it makes sense to you to do so. I wish you all the best.

Best of luck with everything kurt. I'm sure things will only get better for you now. Please do come back and update us, and remember if you feel like a moan or you need a bit of extra support you know where we are

Best of luck, Kurt. Put yourself and your children first now.
XXX

All the very best, Kurt. You sound great and you obviously come from a close, happy and supportive family. You will be a great mum to your children - it comes across in all your posts. I really wish you well and am sure you will be happier for being without that fool x

Your Ex is a MASSIVE FUCKING WANKER. That is all.

Good luck Kurt, I'm looking forward to your updates down the line. Much love.

All the best and good luck kurt x