just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

Did you mention how he told you he was going to bed and then spent all night on Facebook?

I think not calling and texting him is the right thing. Did he sound surprised that you might cancel the wedding?

I've just read this thread and feel so sorry for you for having to put up with this from him.

I think you are doing the right thing in not calling or texting - he either wants what you are offering, or he doesn't.

You have said that he works hard, and also that the nightclubs are very frequent, maybe every night? How can he possibly put in a good days work if he's out partying until 4am so regularly??

You've also said that he intends that this working away will be finished by December? So, when he is living full-time back at home, will he still expect to be partying hard, or will he want to invest his time and energy into being a good partner to you and a good dad to your children? Have you asked him this?

How much is this lifestyle costing financially? Does his company pay for all of this entertainment he is indulging himself with, or is this family money he is chucking away in nightclubs?

FWIW I think his over engagement with friends on FB throughout the evening and night, and updating of his status, when he can't be arsed to have a conversation with you, is the final straw really.

Morning all..I woke to an epic sized text from DP saying maybe we should cancel the wedding anyway as he's started to doubt whether it's what he really wants. I just text back saying if he wasn't 100% sure it was what he wanted then he shouldn't have proposed and to please call me. It wasn't a drunken proposal btw nor was there any pressure from me, just in case anyone was wondering.
Anyway I know it was the wrong response but I'm actually starting to get angry with him for all the sudden messing me around when we used to be one of those solid, no game playing, straightforward couples. I've said it before up thread but this job and the influence of the people he's mixing with is changing him into someone I barely recognize at times.
I won't be on here much today, we have some sunshine here and my mum and dad are taking us out for the day. I'm not really in the mood for it but they mean well so I'm going to try and not be miserable. It's all just a big mess.

I would change that text to

"fine, wedding off, this is no longer your home, don't come back here"

. . . because everything is still on his terms. You've called him on his neglect of you and now he's saying he's thinking of calling off the wedding . . . I can't help but think he's doing it to scare you so you'll say 'oh yes please marry me, of course you can carry on clubbing every night and paying me no attention'

It seems manipulative to me.

I assume the children are his?

I think the fact that he gave you that piece of unwelcome information by text, speaks volumes about him.

Kurt, I'm sorry he's being such a shit. FWIW I think his text is gutless. At least you told him on the phone how you felt. I doubt he will call anytime soon because he doesn't want to listen at the moment.
I think you need to try and train yourself to respond differently to him as he has taken back control with that text, he has you asking to him to call you.

Please think about it. I think the suggestion from PooPoo is a good one. He thinks he can cancel the wedding and carry on as things are. Point out that you think it's best if he moves out, it might be the shock that he needs. If it isn't, then there is little doubt that it's best for you anyway.

Good Luck OP. I hope you can enjoy your day out.

This man is looking for a way out

Give it to him, or he will make you desperately unhappy

The time to be frightened of rocking the boat, making excuses and justifications for his quite shocking disrespect of you is over

He wants to bail, he wants more of his Shiny New Life

let him have it, or you will always be the cook, cleaner, childminder, 'Er Indoors while he pursues his "proper" exciting life somewhere else

this man is not good marriage material, he is selfish, cowardly and cruel

who would want to marry a man like that ?

reduce his status oin your life...he is father of your children (yes ?), he can provide for them, he can see them, but you really should not compromise yourself by marrying him

Yes poopoo three under 3's (hard work but masses of fun and cuddles) ..
Agatha the company pays for some of the nights out but when the 'big boss' calls it a night, he takes the company credit card with him, whoever stays out is then paying from their own pocket.
I feel like my lovely DP has become his 18 year old self again, a selfish, self-centered, rebellious boy.
I have to get DC ready now, I'm just going to try and enjoy our day.

Poor you Kurt

yuk. He actually wrote that in a text?

I see that text as him using the 'cancelling the wedding threat' as a way to get you off his back. Of course he knows you don't want to cancel it.

He knows his behaviour's out of order but he doesn't want you calling him on it. He wants to do his thing and you, the little woman at home, have to suck it up until he's decided what he wants.

I know it will be the hardest thing in the world to do - but my advice is to call his bluff and tell him in light of his recent behaviour, he is not the man you thought him to be, and that you need some time and space to weigh your options up. But if you say this, you HAVE to carry through. no texts, no calls, nothing.

Oh, what a shit!
Your aim was to get him to reveal who he is and what his priorities are - and he's done so. What a shitty thing to do after treating you like this.

I agree that it's a threat to keep you off his back. Don't fall for it. Don't appease and talk (just yet, though keep Relate in mind in the long term) - tell him, fine, if you don't want to get married start looking for a flat, we can discuss maintenance and access when you're not at work. I'll start packing your stuff.

Either he doesn't think you're serious yet, and thinks a few threats about calling off the wedding will have you rushing to say no no no fine, do what you like just come home and let's get married .... OR it's as wise Aunty Fucker says, and he's looking for a way out. In the which case, let him go and oh my goodness be glad you've dodged a bullet.

So sorry, Kurt - I hope you managed to enjoy your DCs in the sunshine.

What a stupid man. Doesn't he realise that his single young man days ended not when he proposed, but when you had three kids together?! Does he seriously think he can be a good dad and continue this immature behaviour?

Op I think he is trying to control this situation as other posters have said. If you can, call his bluff on it. Make sure you are preparing yourself for the future; get copies of his wage slips etc just incase you need them later. hopefully you won't need them because he will realize what he is risking for the fleeting pleasure of kidding himself he isn't approaching middle age and already fully committed as he has three young children.

Good luck and stay angry, you should be!

stuffit - happy to hear you are ok, I'd wondered how you were getting on

oh hello there stuffit - had hoped you'd be okay! :)

Hi all, managed to have a good time today, normally I'd have sent DP a pic of the DC in the sunshine and a text but I've sent him nothing. It's horrible. The thing is I've never been any good at waiting for someone to call me, if I want to speak to someone then I do it, I don't sit around waiting for them to want to speak to me. Stuffit I'm glad it worked out for you. I honestly don't know what to do for the best but I am listening to you all, I think I'll have to play it by ear, I just need to stay strong. Not easy when you feel like everything's falling apart :(

It must be so frustrating, Kurt - I've never been a 'game player' either - tended to be so upfront I imagine I've scared a few folk off in my time .

But there is that old thing about value. He doesn't value what he's getting for free (home, you, children,) and he's treating them as though their worthless. So he doesn't get to have them. Much as I take my 2 year old's toys away when he starts to throw them at the walls or books away when he starts to rip them - he can have them back when he learns to value them, and treat them well. I'm not letting him destroy things.

So it is for you. You and your children deserve to be top of this man's list, and treated well. No one's perfect (I imagine I'm a nightmare to live with!) but he's not even playing by the same rules as you and he agreed to, when you got a house together and started having children. So, unfortunately, you need to step in and stop him destroying everything.

If it ends up with him being a wine-soaked saddo chatting up girls half his age on FB from his bedsit, too bad for him. But it won't destroy you and your lovely little ones in the process, because you aren't going to let him rip you up like you don't matter.

Blackcurrants you are right, I know, me and my little ones should be where we used to be, at the very top of his list. If he has no time for us now then I should have no time for him. My mum has said much the same, that I am to step away from the phone (and FB so as not to tie myself in knots). So far so good, I just suppose I'll wait to see if he calls and take it from there.

Stuffit thanks, it's hard though isn't is, so bloody hard. I did need a kick, I'd tried pretty much every other tactic, he hasn't really left me much choice now tbh.

You're brilliant, Kurt - you're doing just what your children (and you!) need you to do.

It's horrible and I wish it weren't happening to you, but you are doing so, so well. Have you got someone in RL you can talk to, a good friend or sister?

He really hasn't left you much choice, you can't live like this and you certainly can't sign up for a marriage that's like this.

Thanks blackcurrants for your kind words and good advice. I'm staying at my mum and dad's til at least Thursday so yes, I have the best people on earth to talk to..(and that includes you all on here) :)