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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just want to get this off my chest..

641 replies

KurtWild · 25/08/2012 20:38

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

OP posts:
Hyperballad · 27/08/2012 12:22

Oh my god you poor thing, please stop questioning how you are feeling right now! He is being an absolute nob to you.

I am not usually one for tit for tat but I'm thinking to stop contact from your end, no morning and night texts or phone calls, but reply to his and answer his calls.

Everything points to him not giving a shit about you guys anymore, hopefully that isn't the case and you will shock him into sorting things out.

If it doesn't make any difference to him then I think you have all the answers you need, call off the wedding and start making new plans for yourself and your children.

Hope he wakes up and quick.

KirstyWirsty · 27/08/2012 12:58

His behaviour is definitely out of order - he sounds very immature and now you know why he is being so distant

I would echo what the others have said. Tell him that you know about her and you want him to move out. He then will either need to convince you that he can be a decent human being or he will accept it and save you from marrying someone who doesn't give your feelings any consideration at all

You deserve better xx

Original poster
KurtWild · 27/08/2012 14:10

Ok so feeling a bit calmer I see that she only came to the office he's at on Monday and left on Friday back to her own corner of the country and he only friend requested her on Saturday afternoon. God never thought i'd be snooping FB, hate that...So anyway I don't think it's some big ongoing thing, maybe they just hit it off and with being new friends they're just keeping in touch? They did go out each night last week together but it was with the rest of the team.
God I don't know, my mum says I need to calm down, stop jumping to conclusions and wait til I speak to him before I do anything drastic. And believe me she's not his biggest fan (she thinks he's decent but immature and they've never fully hit it off) but she does know that essentially we've had a good strong relationship til recently and that perhaps if I just back off entirely it'll be more productive than throwing ultimatums around.. silence speaking volumes and all that. Thanks all for your support and kind words xxx

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 27/08/2012 14:23

Kurt

If he was having an affair, would you break it off?

Does he need to be actually shagging someone else for you to say: enough of this behaviour, you're not putting us first and you're treating me, your partner, the mother of your children, as if I don't matter.

Because you said above something like "I know i shouldn't be top of his list" - and i thought YES YOU SHOULD!

I'm top of my H's list, all the time, just like he's top of mine. He goes away twice a year for weeklong conferences , 5-6 hour plane rides. He calls twice a day, making sure he can skype with our toddler at least once. He sits in a lonely hotel room and emails me about his day. When I'm away with DS (visiting my Mum in England, say) we talk at least once every day because he misses us and wants to wave at DS on the webcam. And we miss him.

Is he doing this distance-work-thing 'for his family' or to get away from his family?

What do you think it will take for him to change his behaviour?

Are you prepared to do something relatively drastic to make that happen?

You should perhaps think about Relate ... certainly something needs to change before you marry this man.

delilahlilah · 27/08/2012 14:35

Kurt, I'm sorry to be blunt BUT you only seem to be hearing bits of the advice given, and you seem to be excusing everything he does and looking to make it ok. Whilst this is understandable, people can only tell you things so many times.
It's not what you found on FB that's important, it's the fact you needed to check it all out.
He is vesting his interests elsewhere and if you want to change that, you can try but you will have to do it by taking control.
In simple terms, you (and DC) should be top of his list
He SHOULD have time to talk to you - He is telling you bare faced lies that he is tired in order to terminate his brief phone call and then spending hours on FB....

This situation is not healthy, and only you can do something about it. Take charge woman, you are the one managing 3 DC effectively as a single parent. You can take this on, he is the only one with anything to lose, as currently he is not behaving like fiance / father anyway.

Original poster
KurtWild · 27/08/2012 14:54

Thanks blackcurrants.. that's how it used to be with us when he was away, I felt essential to his day, like I was an important part of it even though he was miles away :(

OP posts:
HMG83 · 27/08/2012 15:12

Delilahlilah is spot on.

I know it's really diffiult to hear but he is being an utter shit and the sooner you grab him by the balls and hold him to account the better. His FB behaviour is out of order, it is not normal for him to be commenting on a colleagus status/photos like that.

I know you won't listen to any of this but he is treating you like a fool. Stop making excuses for him.

He is behaving exactly like my ex and yes, she was more than just a colleague. They'd been seeing each other (as part of a group) for weeks.

PooPooOnMars · 27/08/2012 15:14

I don't suppose you know or could have a good guess at his Facebook password?

blackcurrants · 27/08/2012 15:23

Kurt I am just a random on the internet but here's my tuppenceworth:
if you want that back, you have to be willing to risk losing the (shite) thing you have now. You have to kick him out and tell him the conditions for coming back. You have to tell him that, as of now, the wedding is off, and whether it's cancelled or postponed is up to him and whether he tries to win you back.

Tell him it's time to shape up or ship out, and make him aware of what he could lose. Tell him he can be a single man again and see his kids for 3 hours every weekend in a MacDonalds, or he can have what he seemed to want not long ago.

Tell him you love him still, but he can't keep treating you like this.

You're not going to get the him you love back by just putting up with this and hoping.

delilahlilah · 27/08/2012 15:28

blackcurrants has said all there is to be said. Please listen for your own sake.

Original poster
KurtWild · 27/08/2012 15:28

Delilah I'm taking it all on board, I really am, I'm just at a loss. I thought we'd talked it all out before he left and he'd admitted that he'd let things slip and would make more time for me this trip. Now we're back to square one.

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 27/08/2012 15:34

He hasn't reached rock bottom. He thinks he can nod, smile and agree with you and everything will be fine. He isn't taking you seriously. You should seriously consider what blackcurrants is saying. If you actually say "I'm not having this. I'm not happy. I want / need XYZ from you in order to change things. Therefore I think we should either cancel or postpone the wedding...." He is going to realise how serious you are.
IF you want that to work, you need to stop calling him and texting him and start taking back control. You can get help and support, but we can't do it for you.....

Original poster
KurtWild · 27/08/2012 15:40

Blackcurrants.. you are absolutely right..my mum is also trying to give me the kick up the arse i need. You are both speaking sense but it's bloody hard to face doing something like that, even though I know it's probably the only thing that will make him sit up and take notice. If he won't give me time to speak to him properly tonight then I'll just have to put it all in an email I suppose. I'm going to go now, my dad is planning to take us out for a pub meal so I better put on some slap and paint on a smile. Thanks everyone, you're all ace Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
KurtWild · 27/08/2012 15:41

That Flowers thing never works for me!

OP posts:
PooPooOnMars · 27/08/2012 15:55

You're supposed to put "thanks" in the brackets for Thanks

Original poster
KurtWild · 27/08/2012 15:59

Oh dear.. that's sleep deprivation at work right there...Thanks

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 27/08/2012 16:01

You have to put "thanks" in [] not "flowers" Smile

Really sorry to see you go through this, and I agree with the others. Set some ultimatums......

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2012 16:22

I think blackcurrants and the others are absolutely right.

But are you prepared for the possible outcome?

blackcurrants · 27/08/2012 16:33

I'd find it bloody hard to face up to, too, Kurt - it's a horrible thing and a horrible situation, but it's one of those 'not going to get any better' things.

It's like an infected wound on your arm. The infection is his indifference and his flirting or worse with other women. You can cut off the arm, or you can burn out the infection. Both are painful options. What you cannot do is leave it and hope it'll get better; eventually it'll turn you mad, and then kill you.

Recent action has shown that the things you've been doing (talking about it with him) haven't had the desired effect. Now time to do the painful stuff.

His indifference and neglect will poison your relationship. Tell him it's all off for now, and he can try to win you back: and you have a hope of saving the arm. . . maybe. But if you can't save it, perhaps it was too far gone for saving. And you have to risk that, or you won't get anywhere.

ok that was a long weird metaphor. Basically: this is horrible and I am sad for you. But it'll only get worse, and frankly, you deserve better than this.

Hyperballad · 27/08/2012 16:46

Listen to Blackcurrents, do what she says. Hopefully he'll turn out to be the man you thought he was and sort it out.

If he doesn't then he doesn't deserve you or the kids.

And listen to your mum, ime they are always right!

PooPooOnMars · 27/08/2012 23:04

How's things going Kurt?

Original poster
KurtWild · 27/08/2012 23:50

Hi all... DP called this evening and I told him if he couldn't reign himself in a bit and drag himself away from his nights out in order to call me then I'd be cancelling the wedding. I said it's not what I want and I love him to death but I need to be able to rely on him and right now, while he's caught up in this lifestyle he seems to have adopted, I can't, it's really as simple as that. He made the usual noises about dead battery and no signal. I asked him if he honestly thought he'd made an effort to stay in touch this week and he finally admitted he hadn't. He said he loves me but he'd gotten so caught up with this new team that everything else had gone out of the window. At least he admitted it, right?
So he'd got these next two weeks to prove he's the man I think he is. I'm not going to call him or text him at all (that's going to be a tough one) and we'll see what happens. If things don't improve then I'm afraid my dress will be going back on ebay. God, I sound flippant, I'm not, I'm in bits and I'm tired but there's no point asking for advice if you're not at least willing to take some of it on board. Thanks all Thanks (got it right this time I think). I honestly do think I've got a good one here, we have essentially always had a good, strong relationship and I'm hoping this is just a speedbump along the way. Fingers crossed I know him well enough to be right!

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 28/08/2012 00:35

I hope so, Kurt - I think all most people are fundamentally selfish and need to be given a bit of a kick up the bum now and then, and perhaps this will be the kick your partner needs to turn it around. Good luck and feel free to come on back and get more support or just tell us it's all brill - we're here to cheer you on!

Hyperballad · 28/08/2012 05:12

Ah I hope so too. This type of action worked for me. Good luck Kurt. X

timetoask · 28/08/2012 06:08

Kurt, I hope he improves! He seems to think he is a single man.
My DH has been working away mon to fri for the last year, we use Skype every night without fail so that he can see the dc. Only missed it on occasions when he has gone out socially (not too often at all).
There is no excuse these days with all the technology available.