Husband meeting sister secretly. Advice needed.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I've already written in the past about my husband making secret phone calls to his sister. Long story short, she didnt want him to marry me and then never came to visit our children when they were born.

A few months ago I found that husband was making secret phone calls to her, which I pulled him up on. I don't care if he phones her, but I find it horrible that he hides it from me.

Today I've found out he lied to me about goIng to work and went to visit her family this morning.

I've been asking him for weeks to take us to the beach or theme park and he "can't get any time off " but he's taken a whole day off to spend with his sister. Last night he told me he will check his rota of he has any days off, but he couldn't tell me he was visiting her.

I've left the house with my children and am sitting in the park. I don't want to face him. It's lie after lie with him.

OP, what a sad story. You say you used to work full time, but have been housebound recently? This really can't help your situation. It sounds as though you must have been a normal independant person, and you have had it all taken away.

Obviously it is perfectly normal to expect your H to want to spend time with his family, but when your life changes so drastically you want your partner to shoulder some of the burden with you too - I know I did. You sound like your self esteem is shot, and so I can understand you clinging on to someone you think you may get affection and reassurance from. It must also magnify all your problems greatly. You dont mention whether you have a circle of friends at all. If not it must be even harder to let go.

With my ex it was such a tiny thing that finally broke me, but it truly was the best thing that ever happened. I had been so scared to lose him, dispite the way he treated me. I felt like I didn't have anyone else. Afterwards my only regret was that I didn't go sooner.

Admitedly, I did not have children at that time, but I am sure that yours would rather see you, and even their Dad happy.

You have a very complicated situation, but surely, when you break it right down, you only have to answer one question. Will it ever change and get better? If the answer is no, do yourself the biggest favour you can and ask him to leave.

You don't like the way he behaves.
You don't like his family.
You don't like his culture.

These are all pretty major issues.

I do think you are focusing on the SIL, when in fact there are other more fundamental issues, of which the SIL is the manifestation. If you define your marriage by his sister, and wider family, you are only giving them power.

If your marriage ended tomorrow:
your SIL would feel she had exerted power by breaking up your marriage (and most likely be pleased);
your DH would get to feel that you are unreasonable, because you ended your marriage as a result of hatred towards your SIL (and get to play the victim card as a result);
your bitterness and resentment towards her will only increase, and you will feel she is the source of your marriage ending.

If, eventually, your marriage does finish, it needs to be about you and H, not about his family, IYSWIM.

I think you have to suck it up about the sister, which you can do nothing about, and say absolutely nothing, nada, about her or the rest of the family to DH. He is entitled to see his siblings and have a relationship with them. You need to be completely honest with yourself - are you controlling and sulky when there is any contact with them? Is that why he is lying? If he had told you he was taking time off to see them, would you have blown a gasket?

It sounds to me that the only thing holding your marriage together at the moment is pride, that you don't want 'them' to have won. That's understandable, but you need to decide what you want. Whether you can improve your relationship with DH because you want to be with him, or whether you decide to go it alone.

Re sucking it up about the SIL - I meant for the time being - not forever and ever. But if you are going to stick with this, you need to find some way of disengaging.

madwoman, I read all the comments after yours and put two and two together, I'm not attacking you, merely explaining what the OP said and why.

I agree the sentiment is abhorrent, unforgivable, but when I realised the dynamic at play here, felt a little explanation would help. I lived in Egypt for 3 years, it was hell on earth, the mindsets I encountered would turn your hair white, your eyebrows would be so far back as to be half way down your back. Women forced through poverty to marry revolting, really disgusting men they have never met before the wedding day, forced to endure all kinds of sexual depravity, because if they didn't they would starve, and be on the streets. If that happens they would be at the mercy of ANY man. I've met these women, they are the saddest you have seen in your life. the comment by the OP is actually fairly uncontroversial in comparison to what I have seen and heard routinely. You are right to be outraged, it IS outrageous, but it's a mindset shared by whole countries. Accepted by both men AND women.

Erm, I agree that the SIL is not the issue per se, it is the fault of the H, pure and simple, SIL is merely the tool he is using to undermine and wreak misery upon. She is lapping it up, again I have seen this time and time again perpetrated against english wives, it's boringly common.

It's far easier to focus anger on SIL than it is on the H, but it's not the root of the problem. OP try to see what he's doing to you, what he says, how he treats you and how he acts.

It doesn't matter what his family think of you. Their view on life is skewed and wrong anyway. All your real friends, when they know the truth of your life, will understand you and why you left. No-body will laugh, we certainly won't.

disengage, get out in any way you can, get away from this situation with your head held HIGH, you have done nothing wrong.

It's your father's house. What happens when your father dies (not for a long time, I hope)? You do need to think about that, though, as if it's left to you, it becomes marital asset on which he will have a claim. Do you want that to happen?

Be that as it may, have you thought of a trial separation? It might do you the world of good.

He may refuse counselling - or want to - but maybe you could let him know that unless he does go along with you then it is curtains for him?

I think he's taking advantage of you and your fear of divorce. Watch him, he may improve for a little while after this last argument, but he'll revert to type very quickly.

Have I missed something? I don't think the OP has said what nationality she or her dh are.

OP hasn't specified what nationality they are, but has stated there is a clash of cultures, that she thinks they dislike her because she is British born, the family are a different nationality, and their ingrained attitudes towards women, i.e. 'his family think women should be slaves'.

OP I hope things have been better than yesterday.