Husband meeting sister secretly. Advice needed.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I've already written in the past about my husband making secret phone calls to his sister. Long story short, she didnt want him to marry me and then never came to visit our children when they were born.

A few months ago I found that husband was making secret phone calls to her, which I pulled him up on. I don't care if he phones her, but I find it horrible that he hides it from me.

Today I've found out he lied to me about goIng to work and went to visit her family this morning.

I've been asking him for weeks to take us to the beach or theme park and he "can't get any time off " but he's taken a whole day off to spend with his sister. Last night he told me he will check his rota of he has any days off, but he couldn't tell me he was visiting her.

I've left the house with my children and am sitting in the park. I don't want to face him. It's lie after lie with him.

[BerylStreep]

OP hasn't specified what nationality they are, but has stated there is a clash of cultures, that she thinks they dislike her because she is British born, the family are a different nationality, and their ingrained attitudes towards women, i.e. 'his family think women should be slaves'.

OP I hope things have been better than yesterday.

[LookBehindYou]

Have I missed something? I don't think the OP has said what nationality she or her dh are.

[Jux]

It's your father's house. What happens when your father dies (not for a long time, I hope)? You do need to think about that, though, as if it's left to you, it becomes marital asset on which he will have a claim. Do you want that to happen?

Be that as it may, have you thought of a trial separation? It might do you the world of good.

He may refuse counselling - or want to - but maybe you could let him know that unless he does go along with you then it is curtains for him?

I think he's taking advantage of you and your fear of divorce. Watch him, he may improve for a little while after this last argument, but he'll revert to type very quickly.

[HissyByName]

madwoman, I read all the comments after yours and put two and two together, I'm not attacking you, merely explaining what the OP said and why.

I agree the sentiment is abhorrent, unforgivable, but when I realised the dynamic at play here, felt a little explanation would help. I lived in Egypt for 3 years, it was hell on earth, the mindsets I encountered would turn your hair white, your eyebrows would be so far back as to be half way down your back. Women forced through poverty to marry revolting, really disgusting men they have never met before the wedding day, forced to endure all kinds of sexual depravity, because if they didn't they would starve, and be on the streets. If that happens they would be at the mercy of ANY man. I've met these women, they are the saddest you have seen in your life. the comment by the OP is actually fairly uncontroversial in comparison to what I have seen and heard routinely. You are right to be outraged, it IS outrageous, but it's a mindset shared by whole countries. Accepted by both men AND women.

Erm, I agree that the SIL is not the issue per se, it is the fault of the H, pure and simple, SIL is merely the tool he is using to undermine and wreak misery upon. She is lapping it up, again I have seen this time and time again perpetrated against english wives, it's boringly common.

It's far easier to focus anger on SIL than it is on the H, but it's not the root of the problem. OP try to see what he's doing to you, what he says, how he treats you and how he acts.

It doesn't matter what his family think of you. Their view on life is skewed and wrong anyway. All your real friends, when they know the truth of your life, will understand you and why you left. No-body will laugh, we certainly won't.

disengage, get out in any way you can, get away from this situation with your head held HIGH, you have done nothing wrong.

[BerylStreep]

Re sucking it up about the SIL - I meant for the time being - not forever and ever. But if you are going to stick with this, you need to find some way of disengaging.

[BerylStreep]

You don't like the way he behaves.
You don't like his family.
You don't like his culture.

These are all pretty major issues.

I do think you are focusing on the SIL, when in fact there are other more fundamental issues, of which the SIL is the manifestation. If you define your marriage by his sister, and wider family, you are only giving them power.

If your marriage ended tomorrow:
your SIL would feel she had exerted power by breaking up your marriage (and most likely be pleased);
your DH would get to feel that you are unreasonable, because you ended your marriage as a result of hatred towards your SIL (and get to play the victim card as a result);
your bitterness and resentment towards her will only increase, and you will feel she is the source of your marriage ending.

If, eventually, your marriage does finish, it needs to be about you and H, not about his family, IYSWIM.

I think you have to suck it up about the sister, which you can do nothing about, and say absolutely nothing, nada, about her or the rest of the family to DH. He is entitled to see his siblings and have a relationship with them. You need to be completely honest with yourself - are you controlling and sulky when there is any contact with them? Is that why he is lying? If he had told you he was taking time off to see them, would you have blown a gasket?

It sounds to me that the only thing holding your marriage together at the moment is pride, that you don't want 'them' to have won. That's understandable, but you need to decide what you want. Whether you can improve your relationship with DH because you want to be with him, or whether you decide to go it alone.

[molefish]

OP, what a sad story. You say you used to work full time, but have been housebound recently? This really can't help your situation. It sounds as though you must have been a normal independant person, and you have had it all taken away.

Obviously it is perfectly normal to expect your H to want to spend time with his family, but when your life changes so drastically you want your partner to shoulder some of the burden with you too - I know I did. You sound like your self esteem is shot, and so I can understand you clinging on to someone you think you may get affection and reassurance from. It must also magnify all your problems greatly. You dont mention whether you have a circle of friends at all. If not it must be even harder to let go.

With my ex it was such a tiny thing that finally broke me, but it truly was the best thing that ever happened. I had been so scared to lose him, dispite the way he treated me. I felt like I didn't have anyone else. Afterwards my only regret was that I didn't go sooner.

Admitedly, I did not have children at that time, but I am sure that yours would rather see you, and even their Dad happy.

You have a very complicated situation, but surely, when you break it right down, you only have to answer one question. Will it ever change and get better? If the answer is no, do yourself the biggest favour you can and ask him to leave.

[springydaffs]

Well, it may be cultural but it's actually abuse, culture or no culture. He wants a slave for a wife, you are desperate to 'get him' to love you. He doesn't love you and I doubt he ever will. I don't think he's capable of it tbh. He may have been dashing to begin with - they do pull out all the stops to hook you in, I find - but underneath all that dashing charm is a shit.

From his pov you will do anything to 'get him' to love you and that's how he reads it 'treat her like a dog and she'll be back'. He is treating you like a dog OP.

forget what everyone thinks - he doesn't love you or the kids, he loves his family first and only. That's that. He will never change.

if you leave him (and I so hope you do) you are offloading a cesspit and will have some hope of a life where you and your children are valued and cherished. He doesn't begin to value or cherish you. I@m sorry I have't read all the pages on your thread (I was actually finding it too unbearable to read page after page of the appalling way he treats you, an actual black hole of no love, an entire absence of love ) but my guess is that you are caught in a cultural bind re the fear of disgrace if your marriage fails? etc. Abuse of women in some cultures is extremely high (the norm ) and there is support out there for women in your position. Can you google to see if you can find some orgs that address domestic abuse in your particular culture (or his culture)? YOu don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse - silent abuse (emotional, psychological etc) is often just as, if not more, deadly.

Forgive me for surmising. But if you are, as I suspect, from a culture (or he is from a culture) where women are routinely treated like a servant (or slave) (or dog) by their husbands, you are very probably abused by his family. I know that in some asian cultures eg, the women of the husband's primary family very often appallingly abuse the 'new' wife (the 'outsider').

This is no way to live OP. YOu are in a hellish situation, where not even a drop of love is coming your way when you are crying out for crumbs. imo you won't even get crumbs. Do get some support for you and your kids and find a way to get out? You could try womens aid - 0808 2000 247 - to see if they can refer you to orgs that address your particular cultural situation (but, again, forgive me for surmising if I've made a mistake with the cultural element).

[madwomanintheattic]

Rofl at 'these people'.

At the time of my outrage, the op had made no reference to the cultural issues, it was merely a common or garden family fandango where they were all bitching about each other behind everyone else's back, with associated high drama and spying, and he said, she said.

And the op was claiming the moral high ground, whilst popping round to the other disenfranchised sil to have a good bitch about their husbands and the extended family.

So, cultural or not, I am fairly bored by the op's insistence that she wants to remain in the relationship. so I'll tootle.

[HissyByName]

Marge, the situation you describe is one of domestic abuse. Your family don't like him for his being an arse to you, he hates yourfamily because they are there for you, he wants to isolate you.

Op is NOT being an arse to her H.

[HissyByName]

Madwoman, the way women over 30 are viewed in 'cultural' situations such as this are harsh enough, its blatent, openly stated that she'll be lucky to take what she's given. ANY sign of disability, her chancesof being married fall to practically zero. In the locsl country, there may be no welfare, without a man, any man, they'd starve pretty much.

Your outrage is justified, but not at the OP, she's only stating facts for how it is with these people.

[garlicnuts]

I was wondering if you're muslem, Annoyed, and meant you were afraid of being shamed? I've forgotten the special word for shame/disgrace ...

[singledad85]

A liar is a liar.
No matter how big or small.

[Wowserz129]

OP i cant help but feel some of your posts are slightly odd.

You say you cant leave him out of embarassment and that people will laugh at you. I find it hard to believe that a grown adult would honestly think people would laugh at them nastily for leaving there arsehole husband.

You say he wouldnt let you visit for 11 months when your dd was born. Did this not ring alarm bells in your head?

You also say that you think resolving issues with his sister will help with you marriage. The issue is HIM lieing to you and HIM saying horrible stuff too you.

I would struggle to stay with a man that happily says that they will choose his sister over me and our children.

You have not really said one nice thing about him.

I think you need too sit down and have a good think about what is really going on in your relationship, where the problems lie and what is best for your children.

[cocolepew]

Is his mum alive? It sounds like the sister is head of the family and everybody runs after her IYSWIM.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I'm with him because of my children, and out of embarrassment, that if I break up with him everyone will laugh at me for not making my marriage work."
Sorry to go back to this comment you made earlier Annoyedandannoyed, but it's kind of stuck in my head. Even above all the posts you've made since.

Basically, I just don't get it. Embarrassment? People will laugh at you for not making your marriage work? Even aside from the fact that it takes two to make a marriage work, so there's no way that you can make it without his effort too - who the fuck LAUGHS at someone who is suffering a failing marriage? What kind of self-centred sociopathic arses surround you?

[Longdistance]

I think I have an idea.

Pack his bags for him, and tell him to go stay with his sister if he misses her soooo much

[marge2]

Yes , I do hate it..and I agree with you, there shouldn't be sneaking around, but DH is so negative about them when my brothers have been nothing but nice to him. I think he is jeallous as we all have a good relationship, and he hardly ever speaks to his siblings.. and one of my bros is extremely wealthy, when we are not. He hates my Mum too, but then she did lay into him and went too far giving him a piece of her mind once. I was not there at the time. I do wish she had kept her nose out of it.

It's easier to not mention it to him, than to have to endure the nasty comments, if I tell him. After all, I am not doing anythiing he can reasonably object to.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

Marge, don't you hate all that sneaking around? There shouldn't have to be this hiding and secrecy in a marriage.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I feel like I have to do something about this sister situation before making a decision. He says whatever the problem is, it can be resolved. I'd like to see if that would make any difference in our relationship. Maybe he'll feel less trapped without having to hide it. I can't make a decision about divorce before trying this.

I've been applying for jobs for a few months now, but I need to step up to get myself ready for anything that may happen in the future

[marge2]

Oh Dear I only read the first page before replying. Dont think my position is anything like yours. Ignore me.

[garlicnuts]

In any case, I've got to say I think you and your children will be happier without him.
What do you need before you feel confident you've done enough, and can divorce him with a clear conscience?

[marge2]

Apologies. Missed loads of posts, while I was composing mine. Family is family though. I HATE my step daughter, She has been whole load of trouble to deal with over the years. She's 22 now. but I would never ever dream of giving DH a hard time for seeing her.

[garlicnuts]

Nice In their country of origin, is a wife a servant? I know there are several cultures in which the wife of a son goes to live with his mother, and is expected to work for her. I wonder if the sister feels she should have taken on this mother-in-law role, with you and the other SIL as obedient skivvies?

[marge2]

How would you react if he was honest and openly told you he was in contact with his sister.? Would you give him a really hard time about it? My DH has been an absolute arse to me in the past and knows my family knows about it and thinks less of him now. He starts to sulk and badmouth some members of my family, if I even mention them..so i don't tell him about phone conversations..and yes, I have taken a day off work without telling him and met up with my brothers. Just so I could relax and enjoy the day without worrying about DH's negative reaction and spend some quality time alone with them so we could have a proper open and frank conversation. When kids, DH, or brothers wife or kids ..or actually even our Mum is about, the dynamic is different and this dictates the sorts of conversations we have. All a bit superficial.

So I can sort of see where your DH is coming from, I am afraid.