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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband meeting sister secretly. Advice needed.

182 replies

Annoyedandannoyed · 21/08/2012 17:30

I've already written in the past about my husband making secret phone calls to his sister. Long story short, she didnt want him to marry me and then never came to visit our children when they were born.

A few months ago I found that husband was making secret phone calls to her, which I pulled him up on. I don't care if he phones her, but I find it horrible that he hides it from me.

Today I've found out he lied to me about goIng to work and went to visit her family this morning.

I've been asking him for weeks to take us to the beach or theme park and he "can't get any time off " but he's taken a whole day off to spend with his sister. Last night he told me he will check his rota of he has any days off, but he couldn't tell me he was visiting her.

I've left the house with my children and am sitting in the park. I don't want to face him. It's lie after lie with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 20:47

He was in Dubai at the time and told me it was too hot to bring a baby over.

He's a different nationality to me. I was born here.

OP posts:
LookBehindYou · 22/08/2012 20:47

I asked about nationality because there seems to be massive painful miscommunication going on and different nationalities/cultures would be the most obvious explanation.

Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 20:48

I think that might be the vital information. Clash of cultures.

OP posts:
LookBehindYou · 22/08/2012 20:49

Yes, it might be. Do you think you might be disapproved of rather than disliked because of this?

Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 20:54

I think they may have a pre conceived view of me as a British woman.

OP posts:
garlicnuts · 22/08/2012 21:12

Is the other sister-in-law (is this the disabled older woman?) British as well, OP?
You say Queen Sister dislikes her, too. Is she snubbed by the family like you are?

Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 21:24

Garlic, she has lived here most of her life. She's snubbed too. Dh's sister has never visited her and has cut her out of her life too. Yet that brother still goes and meets sis every Sunday regardless.

OP posts:
marge2 · 22/08/2012 21:32

How would you react if he was honest and openly told you he was in contact with his sister.? Would you give him a really hard time about it? My DH has been an absolute arse to me in the past and knows my family knows about it and thinks less of him now. He starts to sulk and badmouth some members of my family, if I even mention them..so i don't tell him about phone conversations..and yes, I have taken a day off work without telling him and met up with my brothers. Just so I could relax and enjoy the day without worrying about DH's negative reaction and spend some quality time alone with them so we could have a proper open and frank conversation. When kids, DH, or brothers wife or kids ..or actually even our Mum is about, the dynamic is different and this dictates the sorts of conversations we have. All a bit superficial.

So I can sort of see where your DH is coming from, I am afraid.

garlicnuts · 22/08/2012 21:34

Nice Hmm In their country of origin, is a wife a servant? I know there are several cultures in which the wife of a son goes to live with his mother, and is expected to work for her. I wonder if the sister feels she should have taken on this mother-in-law role, with you and the other SIL as obedient skivvies?

marge2 · 22/08/2012 21:35

Apologies. Missed loads of posts, while I was composing mine. Family is family though. I HATE my step daughter, She has been whole load of trouble to deal with over the years. She's 22 now. but I would never ever dream of giving DH a hard time for seeing her.

garlicnuts · 22/08/2012 21:36

In any case, I've got to say I think you and your children will be happier without him.
What do you need before you feel confident you've done enough, and can divorce him with a clear conscience?

marge2 · 22/08/2012 21:38

Oh Dear I only read the first page before replying. Dont think my position is anything like yours. Ignore me.

Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 22:04

I feel like I have to do something about this sister situation before making a decision. He says whatever the problem is, it can be resolved. I'd like to see if that would make any difference in our relationship. Maybe he'll feel less trapped without having to hide it. I can't make a decision about divorce before trying this.

I've been applying for jobs for a few months now, but I need to step up to get myself ready for anything that may happen in the future

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 22:07

Marge, don't you hate all that sneaking around? There shouldn't have to be this hiding and secrecy in a marriage.

OP posts:
marge2 · 22/08/2012 22:18

Yes , I do hate it..and I agree with you, there shouldn't be sneaking around, but DH is so negative about them when my brothers have been nothing but nice to him. I think he is jeallous as we all have a good relationship, and he hardly ever speaks to his siblings.. and one of my bros is extremely wealthy, when we are not. He hates my Mum too, but then she did lay into him and went too far giving him a piece of her mind once. I was not there at the time. I do wish she had kept her nose out of it.

It's easier to not mention it to him, than to have to endure the nasty comments, if I tell him. After all, I am not doing anythiing he can reasonably object to.

Longdistance · 22/08/2012 22:32

I think I have an idea.

Pack his bags for him, and tell him to go stay with his sister if he misses her soooo much Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/08/2012 22:45

"I'm with him because of my children, and out of embarrassment, that if I break up with him everyone will laugh at me for not making my marriage work."
Sorry to go back to this comment you made earlier Annoyedandannoyed, but it's kind of stuck in my head. Even above all the posts you've made since.

Basically, I just don't get it. Embarrassment? People will laugh at you for not making your marriage work? Even aside from the fact that it takes two to make a marriage work, so there's no way that you can make it without his effort too - who the fuck LAUGHS at someone who is suffering a failing marriage? What kind of self-centred sociopathic arses surround you?

cocolepew · 22/08/2012 23:19

Is his mum alive? It sounds like the sister is head of the family and everybody runs after her IYSWIM.

Wowserz129 · 22/08/2012 23:22

OP i cant help but feel some of your posts are slightly odd.

You say you cant leave him out of embarassment and that people will laugh at you. I find it hard to believe that a grown adult would honestly think people would laugh at them nastily for leaving there arsehole husband.

You say he wouldnt let you visit for 11 months when your dd was born. Did this not ring alarm bells in your head?

You also say that you think resolving issues with his sister will help with you marriage. The issue is HIM lieing to you and HIM saying horrible stuff too you.

I would struggle to stay with a man that happily says that they will choose his sister over me and our children.

You have not really said one nice thing about him.

I think you need too sit down and have a good think about what is really going on in your relationship, where the problems lie and what is best for your children.

singledad85 · 22/08/2012 23:32

A liar is a liar.
No matter how big or small.

garlicnuts · 23/08/2012 00:17

I was wondering if you're muslem, Annoyed, and meant you were afraid of being shamed? I've forgotten the special word for shame/disgrace ...

HissyByName · 23/08/2012 07:41

Madwoman, the way women over 30 are viewed in 'cultural' situations such as this are harsh enough, its blatent, openly stated that she'll be lucky to take what she's given. ANY sign of disability, her chancesof being married fall to practically zero. In the locsl country, there may be no welfare, without a man, any man, they'd starve pretty much.

Your outrage is justified, but not at the OP, she's only stating facts for how it is with these people.

HissyByName · 23/08/2012 07:47

Marge, the situation you describe is one of domestic abuse. Your family don't like him for his being an arse to you, he hates yourfamily because they are there for you, he wants to isolate you.

Op is NOT being an arse to her H.

madwomanintheattic · 23/08/2012 16:34

Rofl at 'these people'.

At the time of my outrage, the op had made no reference to the cultural issues, it was merely a common or garden family fandango where they were all bitching about each other behind everyone else's back, with associated high drama and spying, and he said, she said.

And the op was claiming the moral high ground, whilst popping round to the other disenfranchised sil to have a good bitch about their husbands and the extended family.

So, cultural or not, I am fairly bored by the op's insistence that she wants to remain in the relationship. so I'll tootle.

springydaffs · 23/08/2012 17:28

Well, it may be cultural but it's actually abuse, culture or no culture. He wants a slave for a wife, you are desperate to 'get him' to love you. He doesn't love you and I doubt he ever will. I don't think he's capable of it tbh. He may have been dashing to begin with - they do pull out all the stops to hook you in, I find - but underneath all that dashing charm is a shit.

From his pov you will do anything to 'get him' to love you and that's how he reads it 'treat her like a dog and she'll be back'. He is treating you like a dog OP.

forget what everyone thinks - he doesn't love you or the kids, he loves his family first and only. That's that. He will never change.

if you leave him (and I so hope you do) you are offloading a cesspit and will have some hope of a life where you and your children are valued and cherished. He doesn't begin to value or cherish you. I@m sorry I have't read all the pages on your thread (I was actually finding it too unbearable to read page after page of the appalling way he treats you, an actual black hole of no love, an entire absence of love ) but my guess is that you are caught in a cultural bind re the fear of disgrace if your marriage fails? etc. Abuse of women in some cultures is extremely high (the norm Sad) and there is support out there for women in your position. Can you google to see if you can find some orgs that address domestic abuse in your particular culture (or his culture)? YOu don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse - silent abuse (emotional, psychological etc) is often just as, if not more, deadly.

Forgive me for surmising. But if you are, as I suspect, from a culture (or he is from a culture) where women are routinely treated like a servant (or slave) (or dog) by their husbands, you are very probably abused by his family. I know that in some asian cultures eg, the women of the husband's primary family very often appallingly abuse the 'new' wife (the 'outsider').

This is no way to live OP. YOu are in a hellish situation, where not even a drop of love is coming your way when you are crying out for crumbs. imo you won't even get crumbs. Do get some support for you and your kids and find a way to get out? You could try womens aid - 0808 2000 247 - to see if they can refer you to orgs that address your particular cultural situation (but, again, forgive me for surmising if I've made a mistake with the cultural element).

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