Husband meeting sister secretly. Advice needed.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I've already written in the past about my husband making secret phone calls to his sister. Long story short, she didnt want him to marry me and then never came to visit our children when they were born.

A few months ago I found that husband was making secret phone calls to her, which I pulled him up on. I don't care if he phones her, but I find it horrible that he hides it from me.

Today I've found out he lied to me about goIng to work and went to visit her family this morning.

I've been asking him for weeks to take us to the beach or theme park and he "can't get any time off " but he's taken a whole day off to spend with his sister. Last night he told me he will check his rota of he has any days off, but he couldn't tell me he was visiting her.

I've left the house with my children and am sitting in the park. I don't want to face him. It's lie after lie with him.

[garlicnuts]

LookBehindYou, OP has had several frank discussions with her husband. He prefers his sister to her: He told me he'd leave me but not leave his sister. He said he'd choose her over me and our kids.

Swap "sister" for "OW" and you can see the problem. He has emotionally detached from his wife and values the other woman in his life more highly. He treats the wife with contempt, lies to her about seeing the other woman and gets mad when his wife tries to find out where he is. You can't really blame OP for being pissed off about it.

[Doha]

Oh waken up Annoyed..
This meeting with his sister and him not lying to you anymore is just NOT going to work --ever.
He is a twat who treats you and your DC's as second class citizens who will always play second fiddle to his "family"
I can't blame you for trying to save your marriage but to be honest you are flogging a dead horse.

[YellowTulips]

I simply wonder what you think there is to save OP? I can't find in any of your posts any comment that demonstrates he is a person who is capable of having a loving and honest relationship with you. Any time, thoughfulness, emotion and commitment seem to be wholly reserved for his siblings and parents.

He is behaving like a man-child who "never left home" and has avoided building a family unit with you and his children in favour of maintaining his place as brother/son the same as he had as a child.

[madwomanintheattic]

I think you have to be honest with yourself (alongside realizing that he is a tosser, obv.)

He (and his family) apparently think you talk to him and treat him dirt, and you are on here whining about how he should have sorted his sister out at the start. You are still denying any responsibility for the frankly bizarre rift between you an sil.

Whetheryou see it or not, the fact that he and his family are convinced that you have a mahoosive problem with him and his sister is an issue. And the fact you are on here claiming he should have sorted his sister out, kind of makes them right.

It doesn't make his own behavior any less shoddy, but your butter wouldn't melt mindset doesn't fit with their opinion of your actions.

You are both to blame for this wreck that you still believe is salvageable.

It isn't.

Even you paper over the cracks by deciding to be nice to sil (and she to you) there will still be years of simmering resentment and backstabbing.

But, whatever, your choice. If you want to hang on in there and subject yourself and your kids to that kind of shite, it's a free world.

[madwomanintheattic]

But they've done a great number on you if you still think you deserve that kind of crap.

[suburbophobe]

He doesn't understand he has a family. He wants to carry on living a single life, but having someone at home to cook his dinner and lookafter his children whilst he goes off and does what he feels like.

So then you have to decide if you want to live like that....

I wouldn't. I'm a single mother and life is so much more simple without my a manchild around the house.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

OP I sympathise with you totally.

My ex was exactly like this with his sister. She was a nasty cow who even resorted to cutting her wrists to get her brothers attention because she didn't like him being with me. His whole family were the same and they still don't treat our dd as a part of their family now. And it wasn't me going mad as his brothers girlfriend was treated the same and was made out to be evil just like I was.

Its a horrible position to be in, knowing that your husband will put everybody elses feelings before yours. But I don't think it will ever change. Sorry op.

[LookBehindYou]

I have sympathy with you Goats - sounds like an awful situation.
But you cannot say that the OP's situation is like that. You just don't know.

[Olympicnmix]

He works, contributes his salary to the household, in return for treating you like a hotel.

Do you have any shared moments of happiness together? Laugh together? Tender moments?

[garlicnuts]

You seem pretty invested in making OP out to be unreasonable, LBY. This sister's been horrible to OP for ever, the husband prefers her to OP, and you're wondering why OP doesn't feel friendly towards her? Are you the sister??

[JustFabulous]

If my husband told me he didn't want me and the children that would be the end of the conversation. I wouldn't say a word, I j=would pack his stuff and tell him to fuck off.

[LookBehindYou]

No Garlic. As I said, we just don't know.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

garlicnuts
"This sister's been horrible to OP for ever"

As far as I can tell the sister, didn't show an interest in the first child and doesn't speak to the OP. As yet we don't know why nor do we know if the family have been bad mouthing her.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I've felt very sick today. It's a horrible feeling when you know people are talking about you in a bad way. I know his family are probably have a great big bitch session about me after yesterday. His brother is no angel. He left his first wife and married an older woman with a disability who basically treats him like a God. She cooks cleans and does everything for him because she knows she won't get a second chance. Women are supposed to be slaves in their family's eyes. That's how I see it anyway.

His other brother is always constantly having problems with his wife, who uses chat sites to talk to men. She apparantly has a boyfriend she talks to constantly, but no one says anything bad about her.

I'm a very open person. I say what I think. I don't keep things in my heart. This is why they hate me I think. I will say something if I see injustice. They don't like it when women speak up. That also means not answering back to your husband or arguing with him when you know he's wrrong.

[Chubfuddler]

Never mind his family and their big bitching fest (which may not actually have occurred). What about you? What do you want to happen with your marriage, your life?

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I really don't know. That's why I feel sick. He asked me today what I wanted of him, so he could change. I told him he should know what I want of him. I want him to spend time with me and our children and give them some attention. I want him to stop fuxking lying and hiding everything.

My mind is all a mess. I know they're talking about me for "spying" on him, even though it was by chance I found out.

[Chubfuddler]

Why say that though? It's just a hideous catalogue of snark, between you two really isn't it. This sounds like a war of attrition not a marriage.

Was it ever good between you?

[Olympicnmix]

Sounds like you both need counselling if anything is going to change, talk and share your thoughts in a safe environment with someone who can offer an neutral perspective.

[madwomanintheattic]

She knows she won't get a second chance?

Why's that, op?

Is it because she's disabled and therefore unloveable, and no one else would want her? He's doing a favour putting up with her and her disability?

Dear god. You all deserve each other.

What a horrific pov. Your real colors are showing now. With comments like that out of your own mouth about your in laws, I have no doubt they were bitching about you, and rightly so.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

Of course the first 6 months things were great. But gradually I realised more and more how selfish he was. He was working in another country when I was pregnant with dd, and he wasnt at the birth and came back when dd was 11 months old. He spent this whole time away and I was told not to visit him. I was like a single mother and went back to work when she was 5 months. I have a lot of resentment built up from this time. But. If I mention it the. I'm a bad person for remembering things from the past.

[LookBehindYou]

And his family wasn't supportive of you during this time?
I can't help but feel that there's something vital missing from the information you're sharing.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

Madwoman, I have spoken with this woman and she has told me this herself. She is 60 years old.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

No his family wasn't supportive of me, which is another reason why i har so much resentment. His sister doesn't meet the other brothers wife and family either.

[LookBehindYou]

Are you all the same nationality?
What kind of job did your dh have abroad? Was it one that made visiting difficult?

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I don't know what I'm missing out. Truly if I knew what the sisters problem was I'd say sorry if I'd done something wrong. The other brothers wife always back bites his sister for being a bad person for not visiting us when our children were born.