Husband meeting sister secretly. Advice needed.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I've already written in the past about my husband making secret phone calls to his sister. Long story short, she didnt want him to marry me and then never came to visit our children when they were born.

A few months ago I found that husband was making secret phone calls to her, which I pulled him up on. I don't care if he phones her, but I find it horrible that he hides it from me.

Today I've found out he lied to me about goIng to work and went to visit her family this morning.

I've been asking him for weeks to take us to the beach or theme park and he "can't get any time off " but he's taken a whole day off to spend with his sister. Last night he told me he will check his rota of he has any days off, but he couldn't tell me he was visiting her.

I've left the house with my children and am sitting in the park. I don't want to face him. It's lie after lie with him.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

Doha, if I told him to piss off, I'm afraid he really would. He's left once before and gone running to her.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

Oh he does understand family life, only when it involves his birth family. Not his children or me.

[balotelli]

Exactly Why are you with him?

He has no respect for you.

You seem to have little respect or trust in him.

For the sake of your MH and your DC's future. kick his sorry lying arse out of your house now.

[Doha]

are you really that afraid he would go back to her.
If that is the case l think you would be better off without him.
Do you love him? Does he have any redeaming features at all?
Why did he come back last time?

[Doha]

sorry trying to get my head round why you are putting up with being treated like a dormat and your DC's being disrespected by their father

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I'm with him because of my children, and out of embarrassment, that if I break up with him everyone will laugh at me for not making my marriage work.

He came back last time because my brother and bil went and talked to him about his behaviour, and that he needs to give more time to his children. He was ok for a month and then reverted back to his old ways.

[Doha]

what a stupid reason to stay Annoyed, you should be more embarrassed to stay with him for these reasons.
You have not failed to make it work-he is the failure. He only managed to revert for 1 month- that alone speaks volumes,
Get some legal advice, do you own your home or rent?
Your self respect will be in the gutter before long if you allow him to treat you all like this much longer.
I am probabbly old enough to be your DM and l would be horrified if my DD was in such a toxic relationship

[Annoyedandannoyed]

He's just shouted at me for spying on him. I told him to stop lying to me. He's taken DD to get a takeaway.

[jimmenycricket]

Anybody who reacts with anything but compassion at the breakdown of a marriage is a complete wanker who doesn't deserve their opinions heard.

No-one will laugh. People will be concerned for you.

[Doha]

He won't stop lying OP he will just get better at it.

Please take a long hard look at the life you are living and think about where you want to be in 5 years time....

[JustFabulous]

Much better to be laughed at because your H has left you than because you are being taken for a mug .

[Annoyedandannoyed]

We live in a house owned by my dad. We pay him rent.

He knows how to talk and will bring me back around again. He doesn't realise how well I know him. I can read the smallest changes in him. This morning I could just feel he had lied to me. He just phoned to ask me what I want to eat.

I've already spent nearly 6 years like this. Sometimes I wonder and fantasize about what it would be like to be married to another man who actually cared about me and my children. That probably shows how fucked up our marriage is.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

Get out of this horrible marriage.
You deserve better.

I know it seems scary but it has to be better than this

[Olympicnmix]

He sounds like a piss-poor communicator. Would he go to marriage counselling with you if you booked it? It sounds like a lot needs to be got out into the open, and behaviours examined. If he has the ability to 'get round you' and you want to shore up your marriage for the dcs that this might be worth a go - although you'd have to persuade him of course to make time for that.

[Olympicnmix]

Otherwise it's the death of your marriage by a thousand cuts, and life's too short for that.

[PissesGlitter]

There is no way i could live like that!

To a husband, his wife and children should be his number one priority

I think you need to have it out with him
He changes his ways or he leaves

[Ginga66]

I have not read the other answers yet, I just had to tell you how soul destroying it is for your spouse to be at war with your siblings. For years now my husband and brother have not spoken. My brother was rude to him on a few occasions so dh cut him out. He wanted me to and also did not want him involved with kids. Now my othe brother, who is very unwell mentally, is persona non grata. I am not condoning either of my brothers actions, they have both been unbearably rude. They have both apologised.
I have had to sneak around to see my birth family as dh can be so moody and emotionally abusive when I do see them it's not worth it.
Tonight we had yet another row over it.
Tbh it is the most painful thing to be forced to emotionally choose. I empathise with your dh. Examine your response to when he admits to seeing his sister. Do you withdraw or punish him unwittingly even?
Let him have her. It will be the most generous loving thing you could do for him.
My dh is unable to do this for me. My generous loving act has been to sacrifice to all intents decent relations with my brothers. I see the first one with the kids but not dh and it is hellish to organise. I am not even speaking to the second one. I have to endure dh's horrible father and strange sister who have been far worse to dh than one of my brothers ever was but he can't see the hypocrisy.
I have taken pictures off walls, deleted messages, the works. It is hideous.
If we didn't have two children I am sure this would have split us up. Maybe it still will. It breaks m heart. Don't put your dh in the same position. Be kind. If you really really love him be kind.

[Ginga66]

I see all the other advice has been to leave. It's obviously up to you but when people lie there is usually a reason. I know I cannot change dh's behaviour only mine so I try and look a that. If you are super honest with yourself try to see if there is any emotional abuse on your side. I know I will get told off for saying that. I am just playing devils advocate because I am in your husbands position in a way if you like,. I don know the rest of the story so maybe that would completely change my opinion to that of other posters so forgive me in that case! But we are not just our new families, we have origins too and there may be a lot of history between dh and his sister around his childhood that you need to know. Maybe approach from a different tack.
Ultimately it is either put up with the status quo, try to change it or leave. We all face the same choices. I did not vow to be a doormat either but sometimes it does feel that way. Your dh did not vow to surrender his sister but maybe he feels that is what he is being asked to do? Just a thought.

[HissyByName]

Read the previous thread Please

[HissyByName]

Ginga, you have chosen to ALLOW your brother to disrespect your H and the father of your DC. That is how your H can see it. It's how I would see it to be honest

OP has suffered the same at the hands of her H's family and he has not done a thing about it. He has now LIED to her face about time off with them, when he's NOT investing time in the family he has with the OP.

She has a right to be raging. Actually SO does your H, you have failed to support him, you have shown him, and your kids that it's OK to treat the man you married, and their father like crap, on more than one occasion.

OP's SIL is clearly frothing with jealousy and resentment. What is your DB's excuse? Why did he get away with it?

This is not a case of new families, this is a case of YOUR FAMILY UNIT. Treat partners like this? allow others to without repercussion or support of them, why on earth would they want to stay? Would YOU?

[Annoyedandannoyed]

Ginga, She is free to have him, and he is free to her too. However, what the hell have my innocent children done to deserve a father who doesn't give a shit about them, but will happily go off to his sister's and treat his niece and nephew with his presence on his days off? He went off to a work dinner on Friday and I never said anything. Then he wanted to go to his brother's, and I never said anything. Today's events have just taken the bloody biscuit. When do we get his time?

Olympic, I don't know how he would react if I mention counselling. I don't think he'd go along with it, because apparantly he's always right.

When we were shouting, I told him he is married to me, and that he's going to spend his life with us, not her, so why lie to me about everything? He just got huffy and walked out of the house.

I still haven't spoken to him again. He's sitting downstairs watching TV.

[Doha]

He will be hoping by tomorrow it will have all blown over....until the next time

[Annoyedandannoyed]

Well the arse has just made things perfectly clear. He just told me he'd leave me but not leave his sister. He said he'd choose her over me and our kids. I've wasted my life with this abusive man.

[Chubfuddler]

I wish I knew what to say. He sounds really really odd. REALLY odd. You haven't wasted your life though. Your life isn't over.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

Apparantly he has his own life. I told him our lives are cOnnected, and he said "no you can go and do whatever you want".