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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband meeting sister secretly. Advice needed.

182 replies

Annoyedandannoyed · 21/08/2012 17:30

I've already written in the past about my husband making secret phone calls to his sister. Long story short, she didnt want him to marry me and then never came to visit our children when they were born.

A few months ago I found that husband was making secret phone calls to her, which I pulled him up on. I don't care if he phones her, but I find it horrible that he hides it from me.

Today I've found out he lied to me about goIng to work and went to visit her family this morning.

I've been asking him for weeks to take us to the beach or theme park and he "can't get any time off " but he's taken a whole day off to spend with his sister. Last night he told me he will check his rota of he has any days off, but he couldn't tell me he was visiting her.

I've left the house with my children and am sitting in the park. I don't want to face him. It's lie after lie with him.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 22/08/2012 11:13

How are you this morning OP? I am so sorry you are stuck in this family with rather fucked up dynamics. I think you don't love him actually, you love what you thought he was, what you hoped he was. He is not that person. He has told you that he would chose his sister over both you and your children. In my mind that is both weird and seriously fucked up.

You need to start thinking about how to get yourself out of this non-relationship. No-one will laugh at you, or think any less of you, I promise.

Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 11:35

We've been rowing all morning. He's gone to have a shower before going to work. Apparantly his brother didn't like the way I talked to him, it's disrespectful, and he doesnt want to come to our house again because of it. I don't swear at him, I don't talk badly about him, all I ask of him is to spend time with us. They're all fucked up as far as I am concerned.

Then he offered to put his sister and me on a room to talk things out, and I tOld him to ask his sister if she was willing to do this. I've been thinking about this and maybe I should be the bigger person and forgive her? Im going to ask him to plan a day out with her family. I feel talking in a public place will be better instead of being confined in a house.

I've also told him to give me time to find a full time job, and then he is free to go wherever, but he told me that's not what he wants.
I asked him to stop lying and he said he made a mistake, but he wont lie again.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 22/08/2012 11:42

Okay. Did you ask him what it is that he does want? Last night he told you that he didn't want either you or the children. To say the latter would be unforgivable to me.

Miggsie · 22/08/2012 11:48

I wouldn't bother talking to the sister she's clearly a very bad influence on your DH and will probably make out it's your fault as she and your DH by the sound of it can't ever be wrong.

I'd talk to your sister's husband, what on earth does he make of a dynamic like this?

I would also assume your DH family has "roles" they assign to people, with sister top of the tree, your DH does as she says and I suspect your role is meant to be the woman who shuts up and says nothing. And you don't want this role, so they are all punishing you.

If your DH says his sister and her kids will always come first for him then your marriage, such as it was, is over.

Get Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that?" and also the "Toxic In laws" book and find a divorce solicitor.

Don't think you can reason with these people, they are clearly unreasonable and will accept you only if you act a certain way. I suspect your sister wants your DH as her acolyte and you should also worship her like he does, but you don't, so she hates you. My grandmother was like that. PEople like that don't change, they just suck the life out of you.

IvanaNap · 22/08/2012 11:53

It's NOTHING to do with his sister and EVERYTHING to do with him.

FFS he is being a twat but you are letting him. If you can't see that your relationship is over then you are destined to more of the same. :(

LookBehindYou · 22/08/2012 11:57

I disagree. OP you need to talk to the sister. Sometimes attitudes can become entrenched and maybe this will be the catalyst to get some communication going again. Remember, she cannot make your dh lie. Also, have a really good think about why your dh lied. Maybe he felt there was no other way. Perhaps it will all go wrong with his sister but at least you will have tried.

Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 12:01

I just think if he met his sister openly, then he wouldn't have this much resentment. He keeps insisting no one hates me blah blah blah, and that he's never talked badly about me behind my back, but I know for a fact he has.

I just want an open relationship where no one needs to hide anything. He's created such bad tension for not being a man and sorting this sister thing out at the start.

I do feel sick today. Hes said a lot of other things such as I didn't phone his dad to give my condolences when his aunt died. I phoned the aunts son and didn't even think of calling his dad. He could have told me to drop his dad a line. Im probably being called names by his family for that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 12:04

I have to try to save this marriage. I can't just end it all without trying.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 22/08/2012 12:06

Why?

You can't save a marriage on your own.

He is happy with things the way they are. Do you cook for him, clean, wash his clothes. fuck him? Why should he change.

Your children don't deserve this.

IvanaNap · 22/08/2012 12:07

he lied to me about goIng to work
It's lie after lie with him.
We have a lot of problems in our marriage because of him being untruthful all the time.
he never has time for me or our children
He has also spOken quite badly about me to them in the past. Apparantly I don't make him his dinner on time.
I know he's the problem.
He won't put us first.
We obviously aren't important to him.
he's not unfaithful as in having an affair...but what the hell do I know eh? He can't even tell me when he goes to visit family, so how the hell do I know he wouldn't do that?
He never goes anywhere with us, or offers to take us anywhere.
He doesn't understand he has a family.
He's just shouted at me for spying on him
I've already spent nearly 6 years like this
what the hell have my innocent children done to deserve a father who doesn't give a shit about them
apparantly he's always right
Well the arse has just made things perfectly clear. He just told me he'd leave me but not leave his sister. He said he'd choose her over me and our kids. I've wasted my life with this abusive man.
he said "no you can go and do whatever you want".
he just kicked me over to the other side so I don't touch him

Yep, you're right. A good, long talk with his sister is exactly what is needed and will address all of the above Hmm

ffs

cocolepew · 22/08/2012 12:11

Your husband is treating you like shit. Talking to his sister isnt the answer.

Would you be hapoy if he was nicer to you just because his sister tells him too?

He is the problem.

Wowserz129 · 22/08/2012 12:15

OP I think you have to accept this is not your sisters problem.

This is a problem between you and your husband.

2rebecca · 22/08/2012 12:53

Why are you with this man? He sounds as though he has no love or respect for you and wants a servant not a wife. "1st century women don't cook their husbands' dinners "on time". He's living in a 1950s time warp. Get some financial independence. Being a housewife is never a good idea with a man like this.

Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 12:54

I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I told him before he left for work that I don't understand why he puts his other family before me and our children and he claims no one comes first over anyone else. That I say stupid things and nitpick and analyse Eveything to minute detail.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 13:01

I was working full time up until 2 years ago. He used to get pissed off that when I came home from work, I wasn't always upto making a grand dinner. I am already financially independent, I pay all the house bills, he contributes nothing.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 22/08/2012 13:21

I don't understand why you don't know what you want to do.

Your choice is to continue with how things are and come on here to vent or to divorce.

JustFabulous · 22/08/2012 13:22

And OMG he keeps all his money for himself.

Wake up, OP. Really.

Helium123 · 22/08/2012 13:33

I don't get this. Aren't married people supposed to be a team? Why do you have to deal with his family as a single person? When he speaks to them surely it's on behalf of the family ? Or is it you both have to send separate birthday cards to Relatives etc?

If you are financially independent why do you need him? What does he contribute?

It seems you are doing everything for this family and he does not want to be part of it. Why are you Bending over triple backwards for him? He should be the one worried you will leave and that he's lost everything after the way he behaved rather than the other way round.

Original poster
Annoyedandannoyed · 22/08/2012 13:53

He doesn't keep the money. We have a joint account and single accounts. His salary goes into the joint account and I spend that for food shops and the children's clothes and nappies and things.

Helium, that's what I told him, that he should speak for the both of us, but he just ignored me.

OP posts:
garlicnuts · 22/08/2012 13:55

You've tried giving him everything he wants. He's still not satisfied. You seem to be sacrificing yourself over and over to this marriage, but he still wants more.

How much is he giving up to his marriage? As little as it may be, he still wants to give less to his own family and more to his sister. There's a massive imbalance here, as it seems you're being married but he isn't!

I wonder whether you've tried marriage counselling yet. It's usually not advised where one partner is abusive (he is), but it sounds like you have to know you've tried everything and maybe counselling is the one thing left to do. It could be interesting for you to see how the marriage looks in a neutral, unbiased situation.

VampiresGymAndSciFi · 22/08/2012 13:55

WHY on earth are you with him????!!!

VampiresGymAndSciFi · 22/08/2012 13:59

Why are you being a doormat? They all sound horrendous. Bin them all - your husband treats you like shit and so does his family. What is there to save? Leave them all they are idiots.

Rindercella · 22/08/2012 14:00

What does he do with his money if you pay all the bills?

His sister is not the problem. Any issues with her are far less of a problem than those with your H. If (and you won't) you can sort him out, then she would barely register on the radar. You'd see her sometimes, it'd be amicable and that's it.

What exactly does your H contribute to your marriage, to parenting your children? I am really confused. From what you have said, he does nothing practically, emotionally or financially. Really, why do you choose to be with him when he provides nothing but heartache and anguish?

Where's AnyFucker when you need her?

LookBehindYou · 22/08/2012 14:09

Nobody lies about seeing their family unless they need to. The OP needs to have a good frank conversaton with her dh about why he does and accept that she may play a role in it.

cocolepew · 22/08/2012 14:15

No she needs a good frank discussion with him why he treats her like dirt. What exactly is she getting from this marriage except grief.