Husband meeting sister secretly. Advice needed.

[Annoyedandannoyed]

I've already written in the past about my husband making secret phone calls to his sister. Long story short, she didnt want him to marry me and then never came to visit our children when they were born.

A few months ago I found that husband was making secret phone calls to her, which I pulled him up on. I don't care if he phones her, but I find it horrible that he hides it from me.

Today I've found out he lied to me about goIng to work and went to visit her family this morning.

I've been asking him for weeks to take us to the beach or theme park and he "can't get any time off " but he's taken a whole day off to spend with his sister. Last night he told me he will check his rota of he has any days off, but he couldn't tell me he was visiting her.

I've left the house with my children and am sitting in the park. I don't want to face him. It's lie after lie with him.

Gosh. And he expects you to live with him after that? It's almost as if he's challenging you to make that decision for you both, make you the person who ends the marriage.

Do you respect, trust or love this man?

You seem to be in quite a strong position financially to not have it cloud your decision making.

My love, as shitty as this bloke is, you have not wasted your life. When you are free of him, when the dust has settled, you will see how much you have learnt; that you will NEVER take this kind of shit from anyone.

You KNOW the value of your family. They will see that, your DC I mean, they will see him for what he is.

Be strong, carry through with this, he really doesn't deserve you. YOU deserve WAY better. Even being on your OWN is better than this!

Well maybe that is what you have to do OP-let him live his own life so
Start putting yourself and the DC's first-do not expect or include him in your plans. Start to make a better life for you and your DC's. Plan for your future

Let him go to his sister if he wants, he is no loss to you, He isn't a part of your family really anyway he seems to be there not because he wants to but because he has to.
He is probably wanting you to make the decision, for you to be the bad guy so he can say he tried but you were unreasonable etc.
If he is not engaging in family life stop his cooking washing etc, let him take it to his sister to do for him.

If he left would it really be such a loss to you????

I don't trust him. Respect went out the door years ago. I don't know how love is supposed to feel. He told me our minds are different.

No OP the only way your minds are different is that he is a selfish immature lying twat,

I told him that if we do part ways, he must remember that it was his precious sister who caused our family to break up not me. Seeing as he's chosen her, when I didn't even give him an ultimatum.

I thought families do everything together. Like go out with your children. Take them to places. We never do that.

Families might not do everything together but they do more than your H does.

You sound like you might be reaching some decisions with regard to your marriage. It can be very wearing emotionally to be in the same space as someone who you can't trust, respect or love - the bedrock to any relationship - as it sucks the joy out of you.

I'm sure you know, but many family solicitors offer free initial advice and CAB can also be a good port of call.

The dcs will be upset initially but maybe not as much as you expect if he plays little part in family life. In fact, as long as he does want access, he might prove to be a better father in that time...well, you can hope! It would also give you some 'me' time, something it sounds like you are sorely lacking in this one-sided, you do everything relationship.

Why have you been housebound since January?

Is it possible that he's picked up your resentment about not being able to get out, and so hides it to stop you being resentful?

Loads of families don't go out, tbh, but simmering resentment about it is a sure fire way to fuck up a relationship.

it sounds as though he knows how much you hate his sister (despite your playground 'it isn't me, it's her' arguments) and so has to hide his contact.

To be honest, I've no idea why you are bothering with him. Sending your dad round to beg him to come back? Really? Did he take a shotgun?

If he had to be persuaded by the menfolk, he didn't really want to come back anyway, which has probably added to his simmering feelings of being trapped somewhere he doesn't want to be.

Do yourself a favour, grow a backbone, and throw him out. Who cares of he whines and runs tohis sister. By the time he sorts out his share of the custody, he'll know whether his kids are allowed on their aint's house or not.

This relationship is doing nothing for you or for him. and will be having a detrimental effect on your kids if all you ever do is barney about their aunt and trust.

Do yourself a favour and chuck him out.

His attitude towards his sister sounds bizarre, telling you that he would pick her over you. He acts like she's the OW.

Kick him out.

Thanks for the replies. He's laying here in our bed and just kicked me over to the other side so I don't touch him. I can only sleep if I'm close to him. I should hate him but I can't. Just want him to love us.

Thanks for the link, Hissy.

OP, I know it's bad form to quote a previous thread, but this: He walked out because I was ill, and couldn't keep on top of cooking for him tells me it's not only about this weirdness with his sister but his entire attitude towards you and your children. I'm so sorry :(

I really, really know what you mean about just wanting him to be the husband & father you deserve and thought he would be - and about feeling so lonely in bed. I have to tell you the feelings you're having are painfully normal when your partner has emotionally detached from you. This is exactly the same as if he was having an affair or was being abusive. And I have to tell you that what happened when he went to his sister's, while you were ill with a new baby, was abusive. From the little things you've said about the way he talks to you & treats you, he's treating you very badly and always has done.

Whatever's going on between him and his sister, it's weird. Also, there's no way you should be struggling along with such an unfriendly home life. You haven't failed. He has! He's failed to be a partner, a friend, a helper, a confidant and a dad. He's not on your team, is he?

Kick him out. Will your dad back you up?
I'm guessing his sister will

I thought he'd go into the spare room as I have DS next to me in the cot. He is still breast fed. I thought he might apologise but he didn't. I'm just going to sleep now. My head is pounding.

Well, this relationship sounds completely fucked and one you should take steps to end. But you don't sound much more reasonable than him - you don't own him and it's up to him if he wants to see his family. Given that you don't like them and they don't like you, it makes sense for him to see them on his own.

However, it seems like you're fine with involving your family, who don't like your H, to try and control his behaviour - why should you expect better treatment from his family than you allow him from yours?

Garlic, my family would back me up I think. It's such a bad time. My brother is in the middle of a messy divorce, my dad is ill. This would be the end of him. What a horrible mess. I thought having another baby would make him steP uP, but I was stupidly wrong. My sister even said I shouldn't have tried for DS with him. :(. I really have wasted 6 years trying to impress a man who doesn't give a shit.

Solid, that was the first time my family was involved in any of our rows. Normally he goes running tO his brother who phones up and talks to me and tells me to get along. My family don't hate him, and treat him with res

Respect.

He kicked you over to the other side of the bed, so you wouldn't touch him?

He loathes you honey, I'm sorry but he really does.

Pack his bags, pack him off to his sister.

It'll be ok, we can get you through this, you will be so much happier out of this situation.

Your children deserve better. They are not getting it.

Oh sweetheart, I haven't got any advice other than what has already been said but didn't want to read and run. You and your DC's deserve so much better than this. I'm trying to get my head round this brother/sister relationship, it's utterly bizarre! Is she almost like a mum to him?
Take care, lovely

Hi sorry Hun, sorry about the difficult position you are in. You really need to take control and do what's best for yourself and your DC. By the sounds of it, your husband doesn't see what he's done wrong and doesn't look like he will. He has chosen and the worst bit is if your DC learn to feel the rejection too if you all sy like this.
Chuck him out, build a good life for yourself and DC. It sounds like you are pining over a husband you wish he could be and what you deserve. But unfortunately he's chosen that's not what he wants to be and I don't think anyone can change that til he wakes up and sees it for himself. Unfortunately it seems staying in your current situation will not do that as he is resentful for whatever reason. You and your children deserve better!

You will be ok, there is a lot better out there.