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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

oh god i have done something terrible, please help

247 replies

thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 01:32

I got really drunk and slept with one of my friends fiances a couple of months ago, we should have told her and we didn't, it meant nothing and could have destroyed them (they're so happy). I don't want judgment (believe me i'm doing that enough my self) but i need advice.

I'm pregnant, 6 and a bit weeks and its definatly his, what do i do, part of me thinks that i should just get rid of it and tell no one, saving their marrage (they were married a fortnight ago) and his guilt, but part of me just wants to scream and shout at him and ask why he gets to go live his happy little life while i'm stuck here. oh

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2012 01:36

This is now not about him or her. If you were going to think about that then 7 weeks ago would have been the time. That horse has bolted. It is about you and this pregnancy.

Do you want a baby now? Are you able to support one? If this was a one night stand with a random stranger, would you keep the pregnancy? You have to live with your decision so make sure that you make the right choice for you (and the baby if you choose to keep the pregnancy). What you tell who comes after that decision.

doinmummy · 21/08/2012 01:37

Oh Dear. i take it that you are single ?

What do you want to do? Have you told the cheating bastard friend's fiance?

doinmummy · 21/08/2012 01:39

I agree Terry but what about the poor cheated on wife ? OP have you told anyone you are pregnant?

MrsJohnMurphy · 21/08/2012 01:40

Yes, this is about whether you want to continue the pg or not. Sort that out in your head before you even consider who to tell.

AmberLeaf · 21/08/2012 01:40

If you're 6 and a bit weeks pregnant wouldn't you have concived 4 and a bit weeksish ago? Not 2 months ago?

Are you sure its his?

darksideofthemooncup · 21/08/2012 01:48

What do YOU want to do? Right now this isn't really about him or his marriage

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2012 01:49

doinmummy I agree wholeheartedly. I just don't want OP to make a decision about her pregnancy based on the shit-show that has been created.

doinmummy · 21/08/2012 01:57

Yep thats true terry

OP would your decision be affected in any way if , for example, the father left his wife and became your partner? Or if you decide to keep the baby and he wants nothing to do with you both?

If you keep the baby,and other people find out who's it is, would you be able to handle the fall out?

You need to make a decision that you are totally happy with regardless of the reaction of anyone else.

izzyizin · 21/08/2012 02:00

As you were a willing participant, any mud you throw at him is going to stick to you as no doubt many will wonder what kind of woman you are to have had sex with a friend's fiance just before her wedding, and claiming to be drunk at the time won't go far in mitigation.

You betrayed your friend and it will inevitably cause her great distress to discover that her new husband cheated on her with you. Nevertheless, I suspect that she'll forgive him and they'll close ranks against you.

If you have mutual friends in common I wouldn't be surprised if you get the cold shoulder from some of them if word of your one night stand with him gets around.

As for screaming and shouting at him, what would be the point? This is a situation you could have avoided a) by having the moral decency to resist jumping into bed with your friend's fiance and b) by not having unprotected sex.

If I were you, I'd say nowt to anyone and have a termination, which at this early stage can be effected by taking a couple of pills. I'd regard the experience as a learning curve and I'd resolve not to screw any more friends' fiances no matter how much alcohol I've consumed. But I'm not you and only you can decide what to do.

doinmummy · 21/08/2012 02:03

Well said Izzy

omfgkillmenow · 21/08/2012 02:07

ok well i will tell you a situation. My friend had a brief seperation from her husband during which time she slept with another friend. 9 years later, the baby which had always been presumed to be the husbands, turned out to have cancer. The biological father (which obviously was not the husband) needed to be told because he was the only bone marrow match.

now hopefully nothing like that will ever happen to you, but just a word of warning, these things can came back to bit you on the bum.

doinmummy · 21/08/2012 02:14

I think I would have a termination ( personal choice,not saying OP has to ) The repercussions would be too great for me.

And too many dilemmas ... Would I tell the father? Would he keep it a secret from his wife? Would he be able to pay child maintenance ? Would I be able to see him (if I didn't tell him)knowing I had his child? Would it be fair on the child not to know it's father?

melbie · 21/08/2012 02:38

I agree with Mrs TP that this is nothing to do with him or her right now. Do you want the baby? Can you deal with the fact that it may be that you choose to bring this child up completely without a father and financially alone? Because if you can and you want a child then go for it.

That is the only urgent decision you need to make. The rest can wait until you have decided how you feel- all the stuff about telling him/her, friendship loss etc.

In the end things will work out one way or another. But for you the decision which you will live with is whether to keep or not keep the child- try to cut the rest of it out of you mind for now and worry about that stuff later

Hugs

May09Bump · 21/08/2012 02:40

Yep, agree you have done a really bad thing and the complications are enormous. But now is the time to start taking control of your life and stop blaming others.

Termination may be the logical option - as it only impacts you and the foetus /baby, no one will find out your one night stand. But, I think you should get some sort of counselling before you make this decision (GP maybe be able to refer you) as you need to decide whether you want this baby without any pressure from the extreme circumstances you are in. You may be able to see a way forward to having the baby and dealing with the fall out or you may just find out it's just not viable.

Termination is hard at any stage and you need to think about the emotional repercusions afterwards too - get some counselling.

People do make bad choices in life, you can continue to be that person or change for the better.

omfgkillmenow · 21/08/2012 02:41

well first off is your views on termination, if its a no then you have to think about how you will raise this baby. believe me, its not easy on our own, but it can be done, and be done well. First decision, are you keeping it? then start another thread if you decide yes.

doinmummy · 21/08/2012 02:46

I can see what people are saying but I think it's wrong to bring a child into the world without telling them who their father is. As a poster up thread said, it may be very relevant in the future.

izzyizin · 21/08/2012 03:59

Amber has raised an important question. How many other men have you had sex with immediately before and after you got up close and personal with your friend's fiance?

If you've had sex with other men in the past couple of months, or are known for random coupling when you've had a few, you can put money on all sorts coming out of the woodwork if you go public with this .

whereismumhiding · 21/08/2012 04:26

Oh dear. Easiest route on surface is to terminate as no one need know in your social network & hurt you, him & his wife by the unpredictable fall out which could colour your future lives.
But underneath it all is how you'd feel about giving up this baby even at an early stage, and living with that without being able to talk to anyone.
Can you Find a totally unconnected neutral friend to talk to who knows you well. Are you a pragmatic sort of person, or emotional?
Really it's done and you have to do what feels right for you now. There isn't going to be a right answer, just what you can live with.

McKayz · 21/08/2012 04:40

I'm thinking the same as Amber. If you slept with him 2 months ago then how is he the dad if you're 6 weeks. That would mean you slept with him about 4 weeks ago.

Personally I think I would have a termination. It isn't fair on a baby to be born into this mess.

JessieMcJessie · 21/08/2012 06:28

"but part of me just wants to scream and shout at him and ask why he gets to go live his happy little life while i'm stuck here. oh"

OP, what exactly do you mean by that? Your phrase "his happy little life" sounds bitter and jealous - are you absolutely sure that the night together meant nothing to you?

I think there are two possible explanations:

(a) You feel more for him than you are admitting and deep down you want him to leave her for you; or

(b) you are single and others around you are getting married and you are envious, so you put yourself in the situation where her fiance went to bed with you so that you could reassure yourself that actually she wasn't quite as lucky as she seemed (what with marrying am immoral cheater?).

Before the pregnancy happened, was there any risk that the cheating might have come out? Were you honestly, truly prepared and able to bury it and pretend nothing had happened, and continue your friendship with them both, genuinely wishing them every happiness? Or was it going to fester and be brought out during a drunken argument 5 years down the line, with her finding out that you two had had this secret all along?

In what way are you "stuck"? Do you have strong moral or religious views against termination? If you don't then you're not stuck, are you?

My advice would be terminate and take steps to drift away from the friendship (can you move away?), so that in a year or so you have lost all contact and can chalk it up to experience and start again and hopefully find someone that you can have kids with in a more straightforward way.

buggyRunner · 21/08/2012 07:03

Have you any dc already? Are you well fixed to bring a dc up on your own - financially etc. What about your career etc. Consider what your decision would be if he was a random 1 night stand - could you/ would you go ahead?

I would also think about your age and if you don't have dc- how many years roughly fertility would you have left? If you really want s baby, can afford it financially and emotionally then you have your decision.

Who the father is is at this stage irrelevant

buggyRunner · 21/08/2012 07:04

Plus you are bound to feel awful but please don't have an abortion to punish yourself if it's not your right decision. You made a mistake but it doesn't define you as a person.

ErikNorseman · 21/08/2012 07:08

In your position I'd terminate. Too messy to have that baby, everyone would need to be told, mainly because the baby would have a right to know who its father was.

BettySuarez · 21/08/2012 07:14

Errrr based on your timings stated in your OP, there is no way this man could be the father.

If you had a sex 'a couple of months ago' then you will be 8-10 weeks pregnant, not 6.

Are you sure you have your dates right?

TallulahTwinkle · 21/08/2012 07:14

Can't Believe so many people just saying to terminate and chalk it up to experience.

What's done is done. Neither op or fiancé behaved well but ths thread is not about the morals of cheating.

As far as I see it the op needs to decide if she wants the baby.

Either way I would be losing contact with friend and fiancé. Doubt I would even tell him tbh. The baby would not know any different and one loving, involved parent is worth a lot.