oh god i have done something terrible, please help

[thespaghetiincident]

I got really drunk and slept with one of my friends fiances a couple of months ago, we should have told her and we didn't, it meant nothing and could have destroyed them (they're so happy). I don't want judgment (believe me i'm doing that enough my self) but i need advice.

I'm pregnant, 6 and a bit weeks and its definatly his, what do i do, part of me thinks that i should just get rid of it and tell no one, saving their marrage (they were married a fortnight ago) and his guilt, but part of me just wants to scream and shout at him and ask why he gets to go live his happy little life while i'm stuck here. oh

Hi OP
Have you been able to get to a doctors?

You have a big decision to make so be very sure that you are 100% certain it is the right one for you.

Make sure that if you keep the baby you are not doing it for ANY reason other than you want a baby. Make certain that deep down you are not holding out hope that if you keep it and tell the father then he will leave his wife and take up with you. Also if you keep it, tell the father and he stays with his wife make sure that you will not be forever bitter.

I had a termination, it was not an easy decision for me and I didn't make it without thought, but it was the right choice for me . I have never regretted it.

I think that the father has a right to give an opinion in whether the pregnancy is terminated too, it's the womans final choice but the father should be able to say whether he wants his child or not.

Yes it's going to be awkward and messy but everything will all settle down eventually.

Definitely don't make a decision without speaking to a neutral counsellor who will talk you through all eventualities, you can't change your mind after a termination or giving birth and so you need to be 100% sure you are ok with it now and 10 years down the line.

Do you have a best friend you could confide in?

Dogsmom Tue 21-Aug-12 16:07:35
I think that the father has a right to give an opinion in whether the pregnancy is terminated too, it's the womans final choice but the father should be able to say whether he wants his child or not.

No, he shouldn't.
The mum needs to decide.

Think about it this way.

He wants it. She wants it. They have it
He doesn't. She does. She has it
He does. She doesn't She terminates
He doesn't. She doesn't. She terminates

The man has no possible role in the termination decision.

If she doesn't want it, she should terminate, and why bother telling him other than for badness?
if she decides to keep the child, for sure, she needs to tell him.

Dogsmom - no. The only person who has the right to decide whether a woman carries a child, is that woman. No-one else. Especially when the father is not the woman's husband or partner.

"...I take pregnancy tests relatively often, as though I?m on the pill I?m a little scatty and don't trust something that i don't understand...."

Ok, so before having sex again (drunk or not), please inform yourself properly so that you can understand. If you take pregnancy tests regularly to me it means that this disaster was waiting to happen.

I don't know why it's even being debated.

The mother is the one who has all the rights, for the very reason. It is her body, her health, her risk, her medical notes.

Until the baby is born and the father registered. He has no say in it at all. So his opinion is pretty worthless. I don't see them running of into the sunset because of it. So what would be the point?

Dogsmom I really don't think that involving a man who may or may not be the father, who is married to someone else, will benefit the OP in any way.

DO NOT CONFIDE IN YOUR BEST FRIEND.

FFS the OP is 19 years old. You think that telling someone else that she slept with her mate's husband is a good idea?

That is the worst advice ever IMHO.

This needs to be the OP's business and no one else's. I'm sorry but it's too much to risk that the whole town will know and develop an opinion. She has to work this out herself.

What's your relationship like with
Your mum?

Careful we don't scare op off guys

Please don't involve him in the decision.

It really wouldn't be at all helpful.

OP, I hope you are ok. I'm sorry for the situation you are in. I think that you should get this thread moved to Pregnancy. There are lots of lovely,unjudgmental ladies over there that can give you practical advice and moral support. You already know you have made a mistake, you don't need constant reminders of this. What you need is help making the right decision for you; whatever that is. Good luck.

Brilliant idea devon

op, hope that youre ok whatever you decide.

you know youve done wrong, you dont need us lot telling you that.
you need to put yourself first, go to your gp, get some clearer answers then go from there.

hope it all works out for you.

I would not tell anyone. Apart from your GP, of course. Hope your comfortable talking to him/her.
Consider all your options, very carefully.
You're so young.
Mistakes happen, we all learn from that.
Good luck.

Good idea.
The important thing is op's physical and mental well being.
The practical/medical situation needs to be addressed.

As for the 'moral' aspect, there are plenty of older, more experienced men and women who have done a whole lot worse.

The only further advice I would give is
Don't involve the possible, married father in decisions re termination
Do not confess all to the wife. It will serve no useful purpose whatsoever.

That is for later if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy and if you find that the married man is the father

Please, please get to a doctor ASAP.

Good luck

It sounds like you are further along than you originally thought so you do need to act quickly whatever decision you make. It is probably too late for the most straightforward medical abortion but there are generally waiting times for the surgical abortions on the NHS, it can be as much as three weeks which would make the procedure more complex. If that's the decision you make, the bio father could help out here by paying for a private termination and travel costs, which would at least mean you could get it done sooner.

Fwiw I don't think 19 is all that young to have a baby, I had mine at 19 as a single parent and he was unplanned. I never cared for all the getting drunk and partying someone else mentioned, it's not what I would have been doing in my twenties anyway. There is a lot of support available and I was able to continue with studying whilst on benefits, get childcare funded and have a good career regardless. DS is 14 now and is a very well adjusted young man and hasn't suffered from a lack of father figure in his life.

I did also have a termination later in life which was also the right decision at the time and I don't feel any guilt about it at all. It was a medical abortion though (just a pill) so not traumatic in any way. Don't put off having an abortion just because you fear you might feel guilt - you might not - but also don't feel pressured into one because you think your life will be forever ruined if you have a baby - it might not.

I had a termination at age 19,was at college,leaving with parents and my boyfriend at that time was a student,but i have no regrets.OP,you are 19,you have your whole life ahead of you,whatever decision you make think about the future.

I think the thing that's most telling in this is that you said it would 'ruin your life.' I think if that's how you are feeling, then you need to listen to that, and know that you have perfectly valid options whatever you decide.

How rude

If OP had tested (negative) between the two recent sexual partners, then I'd have expected her to mention it in her explanatory posts.

As she didn't, then I do not think she can be sure who the father is.

I think she should get a dating scan before considering her options.

Stupid responses such as that deste has made are the reason why you should keep this to yourself and (if you're lucky enough to have a good one) your mum.

There are a lot of thoughtless, ignorant tossers who love opportunities like these to display their imagined superiority and get the boot in.

Your priority is to yourself right now. Don't give them the pleasure.

Yes honest but a bit brutal too, a young scared girl comes on here for our help. For all we know there may not be anyone in RL she can turn too. I hope we haven't scared her off, the action is done now, it's about the pregnancy.
Op if your there feel free to PM