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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

oh god i have done something terrible, please help

247 replies

thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 01:32

I got really drunk and slept with one of my friends fiances a couple of months ago, we should have told her and we didn't, it meant nothing and could have destroyed them (they're so happy). I don't want judgment (believe me i'm doing that enough my self) but i need advice.

I'm pregnant, 6 and a bit weeks and its definatly his, what do i do, part of me thinks that i should just get rid of it and tell no one, saving their marrage (they were married a fortnight ago) and his guilt, but part of me just wants to scream and shout at him and ask why he gets to go live his happy little life while i'm stuck here. oh

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/08/2012 11:56

You are 19?

I had an abortion when I was 21. I was too young, not in a proper relationship with the father. I have never regretted it once.

If you keep this baby, then you really will be 'stuck here' while he lives his life. You have the choice to avoid that.

IMessedUpMyDestiny · 21/08/2012 11:58

Op I am in similarish situation except I had an affair (thread elsewhere explaining details) and suspect I may be pregnant (holding off testing)

Reading this thread actually gives me some clarity re my own potential situation so I will say what I think and also what I would advise if it was a friend...

Whatever you do you are going to have to live with this for the rest of your life. Having a termination is rarely done without guilt, so even if you have a termination the only people you are going to be making this easier for is your friend and her husband.

So firstly what you need to do is to decide whether you want to keep the baby. If you want too keep it then IMO the father has the right to know. I am frankly horified that anyone thinks it's acceptable to withhold the fact from someone that they are going to be a father. It is as much his baby as yours and yes, he does have the right to know he is going to be a father and the baby has a right to know who his/her father is.

So your choices are have a termination vs reveal all and see what happens. Only you can make that choice.

In my own situation I am still waiting to test, but if it turns out I am pregnant there is just no way I would withhold that information from the father, even if I was considering termination I still think that he has a right to know.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/08/2012 11:59

Stick pins in his eyes?

Did he rape you? Force you to have sex? Make you forget your pill?

You need to grow up and take some responsibility here. I know you are young, but even at 19 you must be aware of the consequences of your actions.

I am very sorry that you are in this situation, but it is of your own making and blaming others will not help you now.

McKayz · 21/08/2012 12:00

I think you need to get to the doctor ASAP and start taking some responsibility for yourself here. You slept with him willingly, it is not just his fault.

sleepyhead · 21/08/2012 12:04

Conception is not an exact science (sperm can live inside you for a few days so you can conceive up to 5 days or so after you have sex, plus it will depend on your cycle length), but I would estimate that you are either around 12 or 8 wks pregnant. You'll need a scan to tell for sure.

Get to the doctor's asap and take it from there.

Viviennemary · 21/08/2012 12:05

It is really difficult to give advice on this. I don't think anybody can say much more than think it over very carefully before you do anything at all. And I think going for some counselling before you make any decision would be a good idea.

sleepyhead · 21/08/2012 12:06

By the way, you date pregnancy from the first day of your last period, so assuming a 28 day cycle, you're actually considered 2 wks pregnant the day you conceive which is why it seems a bit out.

IMessedUpMyDestiny · 21/08/2012 12:08

having a go at the man isn't helpful. It takes two to make a baby, you were there willingly, and you clearly don't have enough faith in your contraception if you're regularly doing pregnancy tests so why didn't you insist he wore a condom?

foofooyeah · 21/08/2012 12:13

Of course she is angry with him. She is left to deal with this situation but he behaved badly too. She is angry as it seems he has got away scot free with his shenanigans. They are both culpable.

OP we all make mistakes, yours has come back to haunt you in a terrible way.
Learn from it and move on. Stay away from man and his wife.

I actually feel bloody sorry for you.

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 12:14

You are 19.

You are "lucky" you just have a pregnancy to worry about. Not a life long debilitating std or a life threatening one. Seen as you make a habit of going bareback for one nighters.

This maybe the grow up shock you need.

You choices are stark. Go ahead, if you think you are mature enough and able to cope.

On the other had if you are in doubt, don't. The man will put 2-2 together. When your friendship group finds out what you've done. You can't count on their support. You made the choice.

FermezLaBouche · 21/08/2012 12:19

Having a termination is rarely done without guilt, so even if you have a termination the only people you are going to be making this easier for is your friend and her husband.
I had a termination and do not feel guilt. It was the right thing to do at the time.
Also, a termination wouldn't just benefit the man and his wife, it would mean this one event does not have to affect the rest of her life. Though I still reckon it will all come out, these things rarely stay secret.

OP are you still friends with the wife?

Original poster

thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 12:21

sleepyhead, you say i could be 12 or 8 weeks pregnant, that means it wouldn't be No. 2, so it's only my whos life is ruined, which is better.

OP posts:

sleepyhead · 21/08/2012 12:27

But that's going by the dates you said you had sex. That's how pregnant you'd be if either person had contributed the sperm.

So sorry, unless you somehow know that you're more likely to be 12wks gone than 8, both parties are still in the frame.

Please go and see the GP. You need a scan, you need antenatal advice if you want to keep the baby, and given the inevitable delays it's getting fairly urgent if you want a termination.

Offred · 21/08/2012 12:27

I'm no actually so fussed about the drunken sleeping together so much as that neither of you came clean and told the (now) wife anything about it. I do think this was absolutely unforgivable to hitch her to him like that, blissfully ignorant. If he can do that to her - sleep with one of her friends without protection 2 weeks before the wedding and then lie and marry her anyway then I suspect this will not have been/will not be a one off and if you don't come clean now she will waste her life and her child bearing years with a scumbag, imagine how she'll feel when she has had children with him, imagining she doesn't already :/

You friendship with her is over. You need to stop protecting yourself and him at her expense and tell her the truth about sleeping together. Just as basic human decency then step away.

However I agree with everyone else go to the doctors, decide about paternity and the pregnancy for yourself before you tell anyone as otherwise you will be pulled in all different directions.

IMessedUpMyDestiny · 21/08/2012 12:28

But the only way he's being left to live his happy life is if op doesn't tell him that she's expecting his child.

He is equally responsible for this pregnancy having occurred, but it is not his fault if the op chooses to withhold this information from him and leaves him to live his happy life.

He can only be held responsible for this pregnancy if he is given the information.

If I turn out to be pregnant there is no way I would even consider withholding that kind of information from the father, that is IMO no more my right than it would be his right to withhold child support...

I agree that people do have terminations without guilt, but it is a very personal choice which is not for everyone.

SirBoobAlot · 21/08/2012 12:29

You need to request a dating scan love, that will help you work out exactly when you're due, and also who the father is.

Some of the other posters on here are being slightly patronizing, and i hope that you're not too upset.

Being a young single mother is difficult, but is also doable. So disregard the question of who the father is right now, and question whether you want a baby or not. That's what you need to think about.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/08/2012 12:30

When did you get your first positive test, OP?

Offred · 21/08/2012 12:32

When was the first day of your last period? When was your positive pregnancy test?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/08/2012 12:33

fwiw I had a termination and bitterly regret telling the father. He was an arse, and had no need to know. I think I only told him because I was hurting (NOT that I regret the decision I made; I only regret the unprotected sex) and I thought he should too, which was thoroughly shit of me (even though he was an arse) and helped no one.

mummyduff · 21/08/2012 12:34

thespaghetiincident what a mess and I understand that you are young and sometimes we all make mistakes.

You need to see the doctor, make sure you joy down the 1st day of your last period as they will need to know!

With regards to what to do?? Only you can decide on your actions from here on in, you both acted badly, but you know that already!! I have often thought people only confess to clear the own conscience and make them feel better! I fear you are probably not his only bit of fun on the side and his wife will eventually find out.....

If I were you I would terminate, just my opinion and not one I give lightly...
Good Luck x

NeedlesandPins · 21/08/2012 12:35

I think maybe she wants it to be his child, she obviously feels something for him to betray her friend and sleep with him in first place.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/08/2012 12:38

As SirBoob says, you need a dating scan ASAP. Please go and talk to your GP.

will they be able to tell the difference betweeen 17/6 (at the latest) and 4/7 Quite possibly, but you won;t know until you go and see someone.

As someone has stated upthread though it isn't exact; you don't vecessarily conceive on the day you have sex - it can be days after.

longingforsomesleep · 21/08/2012 12:42

OP - you don't sound anywhere near mature enough to bring a child into the world and look after it properly. So, I think an early termination would be your best course of action. If you live to regret the termination then that's just the fall out from your irresponsible behaviour I'm afraid.

I also agree entirely with Offred that you should tell your ex-friend what happened. You've lost her as a friend already - you surely don't think you can continue your friendship with her after what you've done to her? But you can do one thing for her - tell her the sort of person she's married to so she can decide whether or not she wants to give him another chance

NervousAt20 · 21/08/2012 12:44

Go to your DRs and see what support you can get its a massive decision to make and you shouldn't rush it. I completely understand why your angry, you've got this huge decision to make but feel like its just completely on your shoulders

TallulahTwinkle · 21/08/2012 12:47

How presumptuous to say that a termination is the best course of action for her.

The fact that conception happened maybe as a result of cheating doesn't matter.

The OP may not be the most mature of people but pregnancy and a baby might change that.

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