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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

oh god i have done something terrible, please help

247 replies

thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 01:32

I got really drunk and slept with one of my friends fiances a couple of months ago, we should have told her and we didn't, it meant nothing and could have destroyed them (they're so happy). I don't want judgment (believe me i'm doing that enough my self) but i need advice.

I'm pregnant, 6 and a bit weeks and its definatly his, what do i do, part of me thinks that i should just get rid of it and tell no one, saving their marrage (they were married a fortnight ago) and his guilt, but part of me just wants to scream and shout at him and ask why he gets to go live his happy little life while i'm stuck here. oh

OP posts:
twofingerstoGideon · 21/08/2012 12:52

I am totally pro choice and totally horrified at the advice on here that 'termination would be the best course of action'.

OP, please don't listen to 'advice' like this from a bunch of strangers on the internet. Only you can make that decision.

I feel sorry for your situation, OP. You've clearly made a major mistake - although not as disastrous as your friend seems to have made - but there are some good suggestions on here about confirming your dates/paternity, deciding what is best for you and making sure you use better protection in future.

Your friend's husband's behaviour is beyond despicable.

Offred · 21/08/2012 12:56

Yes, a baby conceived in the worst circumstances can still be a source of total joy. My second is the consequence of rape but she's always been a source of light in my life, keeping me going during the pregnancy and the awful immediate aftermath. Pregnancy or termination either you will regret and feel guilt over if you make an unconsidered decision influenced too much by other people or what you feel you should do.

BelleDameSansMerci · 21/08/2012 12:57

Um, please stop blaming the man for this - you are BOTH responsible.

You say only your life will be ruined. If you think having a child will "ruin" your life you should very seriously consider if this is the right thing for you to do.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/08/2012 12:58

It's impossible to determine whether th OP is sufficiently mature to raise a child from what she has posted here.

I read posts on MN quite regulalry from people twice her age who appear to have bugger all self-awareness and life experience, yet are probably doing an OK job of raising their children.

First things first though; that dating scan.

thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 12:58

NeedlesandPins - how can you say that i don't want it to be his, i don't want to ruin her life. i have accepted that either way our friendship is through wether she knows or not but i don't want to mess up her life.

As for last period date i really don't know, i just kind of run packets together. i know that this is my fault. i'm not looking for people to say it's not, what i need is for people to tell me what my next steps are, which it seems is a dating scan as this is not as straight forward as i thought.

the first positive test was yesterday to anyone who asked. funny how your life can spiral out of control so fast

OP posts:
IMessedUpMyDestiny · 21/08/2012 13:01

"OP - you don't sound anywhere near mature enough to bring a child into the world and look after it properly. So, I think an early termination would be your best course of action. If you live to regret the termination then that's just the fall out from your irresponsible behaviour I'm afraid." How can you possibly know how mature (or not) someone is based on a few posts on a website?

Fact is people do have one night stands, all the time. Some of those result in pregnancy. No it's not ideal but it happens. And no-one can decide whether or not someone else should have a termination. Termination is a very personal decision and can only be decided upon by the individual who will have to go through it.

mummyduff · 21/08/2012 13:01

twofingerstoGideon - very well saidSmile I did say earlier that if I were you I would terminate, just my opinion and not one I give lightly...

But reality is, that until any of us were in this position, we don't know what we would doSmile
I was 17 when I had my 1st DD and it was so hard and that was with loads of support, I was just thinking how hard it would be to do it in your situation x x

JustTheRightAmountOfWrong · 21/08/2012 13:03

FermezLaBouche

Having a termination is rarely done without guilt, so even if you have a termination the only people you are going to be making this easier for is your friend and her husband

I had a termination and do not feel guilt. It was the right thing to do at the time.

Same goes for me.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/08/2012 13:05

Your life is not out of control. You can take control yourself, by finding out how far along you are and by making a carefully considered decision as to what to do next.

mummyduff · 21/08/2012 13:07

thespaghetiincident just a thought perhaps get one of those tests that tell you how far gone you are, think its clearblue that do them x

CinnabarRed · 21/08/2012 13:09

Just wanted to point out that adoption is another possibility. Probably the hardest road you could choose to walk, but another option nevertheless.

Whatever you decide, my very best wishes go with you.

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 13:09

Those clearblue tests are by no means accurate AT ALL.

FrameyMcFrame · 21/08/2012 13:11

Op you can get a pregnancy test that also gives dates, think it's clearblue digital??

I would terminate. I had one at age 19 too and it left me free to live my life and have a career. I now have 2 DC and I don't feel guilt fwiw.
Good luck to you, you will be fine Smile

HecateHarshPants · 21/08/2012 13:15

you have to take responsibility for your choices and actions. Stop blaming him for something you both chose to do.

Unless you are saying that you were so drunk that you were incapable of giving consent, which is a different matter altogether.

But if that is not the case, then I know it is tempting to want to make it his fault, because that will make yourself feel better about what you did. But that is unfair. you have to own your mistakes. Hold your hands up to them.

The only question you need to ask yourself right now is - do you want to have the baby or not.

Remove him, remove her, remove everything else. You are pregnant. Do you wish to have the child?

When you have made that decision, then you can start thinking of the other things.

You are a 19 yr old who did a stupid, shitty thing, but you aren't the devil incarnate and you don't have to beat yourself up for the rest of your life about this, but you are going to have to face up to all this, be responsible for your part in it and sort it out, in order to learn from it and move on from it.

It will be hard, but you can do it. Is there anyone in rl you can confide in and ask to support you?

AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 13:20

OP whether you are keeping the baby of not you need to see a doctor. You need to find out how pg you are.
This may sway you decision.
Why are you assuming you are pg by him. You have had sex with several people, have no idea when your last period was and admit you don't take your pill properly. I am not judging, but why the assumption its him.
The guy a few weeks ago could be the father and you are very early in pg. Or it could be the guy before your friends husband and be 12 weeks.
I would recommend finding out how far along you are, if you take pg tests regularly I think it would have shown up before yesterday if it was this man.

AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 13:21

I actually don't get why you are so angry at him and why you think it is his. It could be, but your op says nothing about it possibly bring someone elses.
Its BOTH you faults, equally.

Nagoo · 21/08/2012 13:23

Go and get a dating scan.

THEN you can think more about what to do.

DON'T confide in anyone in RL yet. This is huge and you don't want speculation until you yourself know the score.

Pickles77 · 21/08/2012 13:24

You really need to find out how pregnant you are. Don't want to scare you but-
I was on the pill. I missed a period. I took a test. Positive. Worked out I was around 7/8 weeks. Went to a dating scan.
Wrong.
I was 21 weeks four days. Luckily I made up my mind before I wanted my baby.
I'm 23, my partner of two years left me and now I'm 35 weeks on the road of a lifetime.
You need to think very carefully. I hope I havent scared you. Stay on here though, you'll get great advice and support

BertieBotts · 21/08/2012 13:45

I had a baby at 20, it is hard, really hard. You think that it will be fine and you will cope and it will all be lovely, and yes, you might, but you'll be skint all the time, wishing you could buy the things everyone else has for their child/home/self, and being unable to. You might feel stuck at home with the baby/young child (I did, and I never thought I would do :() and then when you get a job, or a place on a study course, you'll look at everyone else your age living their carefree lives and feel sad/resentful that you don't have that. Relationships become complicated because there's an extra person involved to consider, and you can't just carry on with a life of partying, drinking, casual sex - and okay that might be destructive but it's damn fun Grin and if you haven't completely got it out of your system then you'll probably feel nostalgic for all that too. It's not really something you can pick back up when your child is in their teens.

Friends become hard to make because there aren't that many people who have children at the age you are, so people your age are off out partying and don't take into account that you need time to find a babysitter, or don't understand that you might be able to come out but will have to be back by 12 to relieve the babysitter. You might be lucky enough to have someone who will happily take your child overnight but they probably won't want to do it regularly, so your friends who go out several times a week will bond in their group and you'll end up feeling pushed out. Mothers you meet at mum and baby groups might be nice people but they're often a little patronising or look down on you for being young. You will make friends, but they're hard to find and take a while. You will feel sad that your child doesn't have a Dad around... even if you think this doesn't matter now, I've come to realise that it does (and DS has a substitute father in the form of my DP now) and it's just utterly exhausting dealing with a child and all the housework, bills, food shopping etc by yourself.

I don't want to tell you what to do, I just wanted to tell you the things that I didn't think about when I was pregnant at 19. Sometimes it's easy to have a bit of a rosy picture or perhaps a blurry one - I knew it would be hard but I didn't know what "hard" would entail, not really. I hope this helps you make a more informed decision either way.

As an aside whatever you decide to do, it might be worth booking an appointment with your GP or practice nurse to discuss contraception options once you're no longer pregnant. It might be that something like a mirena coil or the implant is good for you, both of these stop periods completely and you don't have to remember to take them. They should be happy to explain to you how the different forms of contraception work as well, I understand not trusting something that you don't know how it works, but it wouldn't take long to ask and then perhaps you would feel more confident with it.

Helltotheno · 21/08/2012 13:47

Your life didn't spiral out of control. It's called 'cause and effect'.

The only question you need to answer OP is whether you can be a good and responsible mother to another human being on your own.
When you've answered that, make your decision.

lentilweavinghippy · 21/08/2012 13:49

How old is your friend's husband? How old is she? Do they have children?

QuintessentialShadows · 21/08/2012 13:49

Dont blame him, it takes two to shag.

Make your bed and all that.

You need to tell him though. You owe it to your baby that the world knows who the father is.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2012 13:50

Please promise you will get yourself off to the GP as soon as possible. You need a pregnancy test. You need to work out dates. You REALLY need to discuss contraception. Maybe in future a more reliable method (implant and condoms?). You need to talk to your GP about STDs because you aren't being safe.

Good luck.

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2012 14:15

3 things.

firstly, i had my son at age 19, but i was in a secure relationship, im still married to his dad 21 years later. its hard. You lose your 20s. i dont regret it for one single second, but you will be doing different things with very different priorities to your friends.

secondly, if you are already viewing this as your "life ruined" then i would think very carefully before proceeding with pregnancy,

and thirdly - i have no idea who my father is, and it is something that botheres me deeply to this day, i am now 40 years old, and the repurcussions of not knowing are far reaching and quite awful, - my son has a genetic condition, when i am asked about medical history i have no answers, and i do not know where i came from, the questions in my head never stop. where did i get my green eyes from, my personality, and the fact that my mother refuses to tell me anything at all, coupled with the fact she married an abuser, means i now have no contact with her at all, and have not for the last 12 years, and will neveer have again.

think about all this before you leap into anything. Its not just your life you are making big decisions on.

Pickles77 · 21/08/2012 14:48

I hope your okay OP