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Original poster

oh god i have done something terrible, please help

247 replies

thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 01:32

I got really drunk and slept with one of my friends fiances a couple of months ago, we should have told her and we didn't, it meant nothing and could have destroyed them (they're so happy). I don't want judgment (believe me i'm doing that enough my self) but i need advice.

I'm pregnant, 6 and a bit weeks and its definatly his, what do i do, part of me thinks that i should just get rid of it and tell no one, saving their marrage (they were married a fortnight ago) and his guilt, but part of me just wants to scream and shout at him and ask why he gets to go live his happy little life while i'm stuck here. oh

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 21/08/2012 07:16

I think the op should clarify the dates before any advice can be given.
Has she written them wrong in a panic or does she not understand how dates are worked out? (I know I didn't know before I had dc1)

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 21/08/2012 07:19

Tallulah you cannot bring a child up withholding the name of or lying about who the father is.
It's horribly damaging.

I agree that termination is not the only answer bt the implications of a child never being told who their father is are awful.

cupcake78 · 21/08/2012 07:19

Everyone has a point. Firstly, people make mistakes. This is a big mistake but cant be undone or taken back but can be solved. If your absolutely sure he is the dad then if you did decide to keep the baby would you tell him, because you may have to. The fall out of this will be horrible, really horrible. The baby would be continual reminder and I personally would find it very difficult for this to not affect my parenting ability.

I think izzy is right, terminate early and say nothing to him. Confide in a good friend who is not linked to him/her. End the relationship over time, just quietly cut contact and begin to socially move away from them. Get on with your life and put your mistake behind you but make sure you learn from it!

Mama1980 · 21/08/2012 07:20

What a nightmare I am very pro choice but don't have a abortion to punish yourself or to keep the peace. You need to decide separate from your guilt whether or not you want this baby you will have to live with the decision a long while. I agree the father would have to be told for he babys sake if you went ahead. Can you talk to your gp or seek some counselling? For what it's worth I don't think you are terrible you just did a bad thing we all make mistakes. I would never seek to tell you what you should or should not do with such a huge decision but just be very sure of what you do decide.

fuzzpig · 21/08/2012 07:21

Agree you need to figure out if it really is his as those dates don't match. If you've slept with anyone else (including protected sex as they aren't 100% safe) you need to consider that.

What you did was bad, but remember he did a bloody awful thing too. If he gets any fallout from it he deserves it surely.

If you want to keep the baby then do, it's your decision, but I do think he needs to be told if he's definitely the father.

BettySuarez · 21/08/2012 07:23

OP just to clarify the dates. The minute you conceived you instantly became 2 weeks pregnant. Are you sure it's his?

Or have you just got muddled re dates. You may be further along then you think which may be crucial if considering termination

TallulahTwinkle · 21/08/2012 07:34

I guess I was just thinking if she told the father and he had absolutely no interest then that would be damaging too? But, yes, stupid idea of mine to say not to tell him. Think my knee jerk reaction would be to escape the whole mess by avoiding the couple but not necessarily having an abortion.

I am pro choice but just find it depressing how lots of people on this thead jump to it as a 'quick fix'.

Really the Op needs to decide yes or no to the baby, then make her decisions based on that.

If termination is the answer then I wouldn't tell the fiancé but would lse the friendship. Imagine the heartache if her friend goes onto have children and the 'what if's

Friendship shoud be over either wy.

AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 07:42

First off you need to decide if you are keeping the baby. Based on do you want the baby, can look after it etc.
If you have the baby, I believe every child has the right to know who their father is. The father has a right to know they have a child and the dw has the right to know.
however based on the dates you have given, he is not the father. You want to think long and hard about announcing it to him and his wife unless its 100% his. Which at moment it looks like its not.
If you tell them its his and it turns out not, you will have caused alot of damage for no reason.
Imo if you decided not to tell her there is no point now, unless you keep the baby and its his.

My concern is your OP the words you use make it sound as though there is more to this, for you, than one night. You seem jealous. Please do not wade in and tell them its his unless you are 100% sure.
Pregnancy is not actually 40 weeks from conception. Its 40 weeks from the first day of you last period. So if you are 6 1/2 weeks you got pg approx 4 weeks ago. So I suspect it isn't his.

BabsJansen · 21/08/2012 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 21/08/2012 07:45

I am not sure about the ethics of telling/not telling the father re a termination.
I agree that a termination shouldn't be the only option and just to avoid unpleasantness.
If the op thinks its the right thing for her that is one thing but to do it to sort out a mess so the fater's life isn't disrupted makes me uneasy.

It's the op who has to cope with the outcome of am unwanted termination.

GhouliaYelps · 21/08/2012 07:47

I think if you keep the baby it will all have to come out and be prepared for people to judge you harshly - they always blame the woman in these situations. But after all is said and done you have the choice to live your own life and he has the choice to see his baby.
Don't terminate if you don't want to or to give him an easy life.
We need to know more of your personal circs to give more advice.

MigratingCoconuts · 21/08/2012 07:50

There is, as others have pointed out, no way that this can be resolved without some fall out. You are going to have to accept this as the consequences of what happened.
If your friends finds out then, that is what must happen becuase, as others have pointed out, it is the baby and you that matter most for you now. You need to decide if you want to keep the baby or not. And if you do keep the baby, then the father must be told. What he does with that info is up to him.

I agree that your friendship is over. Your actions destroyed that. but I like the idea of doing it gradually and slowly so that it can be chalked up as one of those things.

Also, find some RL support. You are going to need it and I do feel for you.

jimmenycricket · 21/08/2012 08:03

Ummm condoms? Yes I know bit late now but whatever you decide get a screening, and get yourself sorted out - you have responsibility for your own fertility and health. Also you may actually muck up your friend's chances of having children in her marriage if you infect her DH with something nasty and he passes is along.

BikeMedalsRunningMedals · 21/08/2012 08:11

If you are 6 weeks pregnant, how can the father be someone you slept with two months ago? Unless you both cheated on his wife to be again?

Pickles77 · 21/08/2012 11:29

OP how do you feel about the baby?

Original poster
thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 11:29

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere. I honestly don't know, i really don't understand dates, I'm 19 and this is my first mess up. With out meaning to provide too much information I have slept with two guys in the past 3 months (just so people can help me work this out properly) Guy No. 1 was about week 12-10/9 (from todays date) and the barstard was 6 1/2 weeks ago which is why i said i was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. (just to add extra mess they got married 2 weeks ago). I take pregnancy tests relatively often, as though I?m on the pill I?m a little scatty and don't trust something that i don't understand. the last one according to the calendar was 6/7 and was negative and then i did one last night. Please don't tell me that not only am i pregnant but that i don't know who the father is. It can't be guy number one, can it?

OP posts:
Original poster
thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 11:31

sorry i should have said i slept with No2. once on the 4/7

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 21/08/2012 11:35

Oh love Sad
I can't even bring myself to have a go at you.

Go to the doctors and talk it over and work out your dates.
Please, please stop sleeping with people without using condoms.

You are worth more than this.
There is also no point in being bitter about your friend's husband. You both did it.

Please make an appt today to get these dates sorted and for an sti check.

aleene · 21/08/2012 11:42

MrsDV is right.

Go to the doctor and talk to them.
Work out how how you feel about the baby.
Stop blaming the man - you were both involved.
Get better birth control and use condoms.

You are very young but you need to get your 'sensible' head on and work out what to do. good luck.

dequoisagitil · 21/08/2012 11:44

I understand it feels really unfair that you have the guilt of sleeping with your friend's bloke, plus an unplanned pregnancy, while he's got away apparently unscathed.

Get yourself to the doctor and work out what you want to do about the pregnancy. Don't decide based on who the father is most likely to be, decide by whether you want to have the baby & raise a child alone at 19.

1stbabyat30 · 21/08/2012 11:51

1/ Use the contraception calculator on the net - google it.

2/ Then - forget about the man and his wife and the situation.

3/ Sit down on your own in peace and quiet and ask yourself 'Do I want a baby?' if the answer is yes then you can work everything out one day at a time. If the answer is truly no - then you will know what to do.

At the end of the day, whether you are 'happily' married or with a partner or in a long term relationship you can never ever guarantee what is around the corner, and we could all end up in situations we didnt plan on. You need to be ok with the concept of you alone with a baby, that you will be responsible for for the rest of your life.

Take the man out of the picture , be alone, just you - and realise that this isnt a tool of seduction or revenge. People make mistakes but his are his to make, in his own future, which I am sure he will. Concentrate on yourself. Don't ever feel trapped or bullied into doing anything that you truly don't want to do - listen to what you want to do. And either way, try to learn and be stronger from this experience.

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2012 11:53

if you have the baby, and it is his, the cat will get out of the bag at some stage.

are you ready for that, and the consequences of that?

you need to work out whose this baby is - because that for me would help me decide on what next.

Original poster
thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 11:54

I know it's irrational but i just want to stick pins in his eyes. Ok, breath, doctors first, pins later, will they be able to tell the difference betweeen 17/6 (at the latest) and 4/7?

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 21/08/2012 11:56

And if there's doubt as to fatherhood, make sure that's clear. [http://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/1017.aspx?CategoryID=61&SubCategoryID=615] suggests it's £252 for a CSA approved paternity test.

You both did it; it's both your responsibility. He shouldn't have shagged you, and he should have worn a condom. So, if you decide against a termination, you'll have to have the child, and he'll have to pay for it... probably in more than one way.

If you do decide to have a termination though, don't go telling him. Just like he's no choice to pay child support, he has no choice in the termination either.

Oh, and go and read about sexual health.

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2012 11:56

really?
you want to stick pins in his eyes.....well just imagine what his wife/your friend will want to do to you then.....

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