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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

oh god i have done something terrible, please help

247 replies

thespaghetiincident · 21/08/2012 01:32

I got really drunk and slept with one of my friends fiances a couple of months ago, we should have told her and we didn't, it meant nothing and could have destroyed them (they're so happy). I don't want judgment (believe me i'm doing that enough my self) but i need advice.

I'm pregnant, 6 and a bit weeks and its definatly his, what do i do, part of me thinks that i should just get rid of it and tell no one, saving their marrage (they were married a fortnight ago) and his guilt, but part of me just wants to scream and shout at him and ask why he gets to go live his happy little life while i'm stuck here. oh

OP posts:
chickenwingsmmmm · 21/08/2012 18:23

I am sorry but I don't like this 'some posters'. If you disagree with a person, say it to the person or report it.
Yes some people have been to the point, especially at her anger to him. It shows there is more to it.
I am still failing to see 'some posters being rude'.

deste · 21/08/2012 18:26

Perhaps it was rude but it could be his it could be someone else's, but she is on here trying to put the blame on to no 2 when she should be equally accepting the blame. In 2012 no one needs to get pregnant if they don't want to. I am not an ignorant tosser (wasn't that rude) And don't feel superior but I do know that if you play with fire you will get burned.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/08/2012 18:27

Naming names risks a deletion. I fully understand why SirBoob says "some posters", and think she is right to do so.

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 18:32

Insulting posters en masse also risks a deletion if it's reported. So I don't think either is better than the other.

Keep it clean.

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 18:34

That sounded a bit mod wannabe.......It was not meant to. But either or are "reportable" to those with twitchy fingers. So wise to refrain.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 21/08/2012 18:37

But what is the point talking of playing with fire and making beds?
I mean that genuinely, not in a hostile way.

A young woman is pregnant now and really needs to get her act together ASAP.

I don't think her anger at the man is helpful but I understand why she wants to be angry. She is in a mess. She wants someone else to take some blame.
Sleeping with your friend's fiancée is horrible but it's done now. I dont mean that it doesn't matter but it's not the most pressing issue iyswim.

This girl could be our daughter or niece. We would no doubt be horrified at the situation but what would we say and advise?

Isn't that what is important?

The op has show a lack of understanding and their is a real opportunity to offer practical (if only online) help.

I just don't see the point in some of the posts that offer nothing but judgement.

BonnieBumble · 21/08/2012 18:39

If you are clear that you do not want to continue with the pregnancy than a dating scan is not strictly necessary. If the pregnancy is not to continue it doesn't matter who the father is.

If you are going to speak to anyone about it I would suggest that you ask for a counsellor at the family planning clinic. Talking to non trained people about such a huge personal decision is not always helpful as demonstrated by this thread. Lots of people advising you to have a termination and some disagreeing. The only person who should have an opinion on such a life changing matter is you.

Good luck.

AllOverIt · 21/08/2012 18:42

Oh bless you OP. Would normally be slating you for sleeping with your friend's fiancé, but can't bear to. You sound so confused.

Go to the GP's, ask to be referred for a dating scan. Then you can work out your dates. Only then can you sit down and work out your options.

At a rough guess I'd say there was a chance both blokes could be the dad...

EdithWeston · 21/08/2012 18:45

A dating scan may be necessary, as the protocols for the use of misoprostol change at the 9 week point.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 21/08/2012 18:49

OP, would it make a difference to your decision who the dad was? Would it make a difference to your decision how far along you are (it may make a difference to the type of termination if you go that way)? Did you have a view on abortion before you were in this situation?

You can talk to Marie Stopes before you have made up your mind, they are impartial. You could talk to a friend on the basis of it being Bloke 1, if you think that might help.

I really feel for you.

BeatTheOdds · 21/08/2012 18:53

You poor thing. I don't condone your behaviour, but the consequences have been severe.

Okay OP there are lots of things going on here.

  1. You don't know who the father is. This is the reality. Discussing when you had your last period with your doctor and getting a dating scan will give you much more information about who is most likely to be the father.
  2. You do not know how many weeks pregnant you are. This is important. If you do decide to have a termination, the dates will affect what type of process you will have to go through and you could easily be a lot further along than you think. The earlier you speak to your doctor and get the dates figured out, the better.
  3. You might have contracted a sexually transmitted disease. I don't know what your other risk factors may be, but the reasonable possibility is there because you have had unprotected sex with 3 different men recently. You need to get tested. Speak to your doctor about this.
  4. You need to have a long hard look at whether you want a baby now or not. Focus on that. No one can decide for you. If you can get some counselling via your doctor, that would probably be invaluable.

So basically, see you doctor asap.

As for all the other stuff, well, I understand your feelings of anger towards the man you believe to be the father because he is not going through this. Personally, I do not believe that anything you have said indicates that you are jealous. I do think that you ought to keep the pregnancy secret until you know who the father is. If you start claiming he is the father before you know, you will be in a whole word of pain beyond what is going on right now.

On an entirely separate note, the right thing to do is tell your friend that you slept with her man. For one thing, if you have a sexually transmitted disease, she really ought to know she is also at risk. Also, don't you think she has a right to know what her husband is like?

But, for your sake, I would separate the issues and leave the whole 'tell them/don't tell them issue' until you have seen your doctor and figured out what to do about the baby. This is your priority at the moment.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/08/2012 18:54

A dating scan is absolutely necessary whichever decision you make. Quite aside from the paternity issue, options regarding the method used to terminate a pregnancy depend on how far along it is.

BeatTheOdds · 21/08/2012 18:57

"In 2012 no one needs to get pregnant if they don't want to"

Pure ignorance. What a ridiculous comment.

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 19:02

I don't actually think the comment is ignorant. Come on now. Op is in a shit situation but still. To other young ones that are reading. They do need to know consequences = actions.

Pill, injection, coil, map, condoms. That comment is spot on. It is very concerning that op has a habit of playing fast and loose with her own health. That should be her priority.

It is ignorance to suggest otherwise. Going bareback with so many men is like Russian roulette. You can't slate people for pointing that out, for the sake of others who read.

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 19:03

actions and consequences even.

TheMonster · 21/08/2012 19:03

If it turns out that the first guy is the father, you owe it to him and the child (at some point in the future) to tell him if you have the baby.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/08/2012 19:05

Beat I also don't see why that is an ignorant comment. I speak as someone who found herself pregnant when she didn't want to be, but couldn't hand on heart say that I had taken all possible steps to avoid it. I was utterly foolish.

DozyDuck · 21/08/2012 19:07

Op there's been some fab advice here, and some not so nice comments too Sad

You made a big mistake, but worse things can happen. I'm pro choice but you need to think about it.

I was 17 when I got pregnant with DS, was in a secure relationship but that soon turned sour. I was 18 when I had him. I was a total party girl and so immature it is unreal.

I chose not to have an abortion. It's just not something I could morally do myself (still pro choice, just not something I personally could do)

DS has severe special needs and disabilities. I have been visited by so many different specialists who say just how fantastic I am at coping with DS. Maturity came as soon as I got the sobering news that I was pregnant.

Do what is right for you now. Decide for you and you alone.

Then think about the dad

maristella · 21/08/2012 19:11

OP :( bless you, what a mess.

Whatever you decide you have to do what is right for you

I can't say what I would do in your shoes, but I can tell you that my child, who I had at 19 is great :) but it was hard, and the paternity issue makes it very very tough all round.

What I think you and anyone else in a similar position needs to know is that in the UK some primary care trusts have an agreement with Marie Stopes clinics, which are usually private. This means you can get advice and termination for free with them, and this is likely to be much quicker.

I think I should opst that advice outside of this thread too.

Good luck x

HiHowAreYou · 21/08/2012 19:13

Don't panic, your life isn't over.
You will get through this, whatever happens.

A dating scan would tell you who the father was accurately with two and a half weeks between potential conceptions I think, if you are before 12 weeks pregnant. Aren't they accurate to 5 days then? So if that would make a difference to your decision, you need to find out.

How far along you are would affect your options for termination. How "simple" a procedure it would be. So, if that would make a difference to your decision, you need to find that out too with the dating scan. Go ask for one ASAP!

I think speaking to someone about your feelings would help too.

You made a mistake, now isn't the time to beat yourself up about it, you have to be practical, and get things straight in your head. Find out what the situation is accurately.

Later, you can think about whether you want to change things in your life maybe, be more strict with contraceptives, consider the coil or an implant, drink less maybe?

Good luck.

Mayisout · 21/08/2012 19:15

Yes, OP should think about what is right now but the fact that the father could be friend's DH means that the baby might have an angry, bitter father (in his relationship with OP) who has an angry and hurt DW. This will affect the baby's life and can't just be treated as an irrelevance.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 21/08/2012 19:27

Its not an irrelevance if she decides to keep the baby but that is something to be dealt with in the not so distant future.

A woman cannot have a termination because the possible father will be angry if she doesn't. That is why it is not for now.

I know the thread is long but I have already been clear about my strong opinions on the child's right to know who the father is.

I have also been clear about the ops need to get an sti check and stop sleeping with multiple partners without condoms.

It's not either or here. It's dealing with the current issues regardless of views on morals, the ops actions etc.

BeatTheOdds · 21/08/2012 19:30

"In 2012 no one needs to get pregnant if they don't want to"

This is ignorant because lots of people get pregnant when they don't want to, because of all sorts of unfortunate circumstances beyond the persons control including; failure of contraception, lack of education, pure lack of understanding, cognitive impairment, isolation, cultural issues and rape. Just to mention the ones that spring to mind. Now, it may be that the OP knowingly risked becoming pregnant, and it seems that this might well be the case from what she has said. However, simply stating that 'no one needs to get pregnant if they don't want to' is very wrong and, to my mind, demonstrates a very narrow way of thinking about these issues.

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 19:32

It isn't ignorant at all.

Pickles77 · 21/08/2012 19:33

It's also insinuates people judging in a place where they have come that feels safe to ask for help. Therefore that might affect them getting help.