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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock

211 replies

stookiesackhouse · 15/08/2012 00:30

Found out tonight that my DP of over three years bought a house with and has been living with another woman since Feb.They have been together for two years.

I only found out through my mum talking to her colleague and it turns out she knows DP.

He has been leading a double life. To split the time between us he has used his DF's cancer, his asthma, training courses, and his MH issues as excuses for why he needed to be away from home.

I am nearly 35, we had planned on having a family. However, our sex life was dire due to his MH which I was supporting him with.

I feel shell shocked and humiliated :-(

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 22/08/2012 10:50

Oh Stookie. :(

You can make a report to the police without actually filing a complaint, so they have a 'warning' if he does anything else to harass you.

CremeEggThief · 22/08/2012 16:56

Just to add I hope everything is as ok as it possibly can be.

What a horrendous man. So sorry things turned out the way they have, but thank goodness you have got away from him.

Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 24/08/2012 14:00

I asked the police to record the facebook hacking on the incident log.

He basically made it look like all the weekends away and holidays over the last couple of years have been on my own - he deleted all pics of me and him, and him, and just left those of me on my own.

I still have them all saved on laptop and disk anyway. Stupid man.

No developments since then.

My legs feel a little less jelly-like, my appetite is returning and I am looking forward to sun and cocktails from Sunday :)

OP posts:
halfthesize · 24/08/2012 14:39

stookie just read through your thread, so sorry for what has happened to youSad

But well done for how you have approached the situation, not sure I would have been so calmSmile

Good luck in the future x

izzyizin · 24/08/2012 14:51

I don't use FB/twitter or other allegedly 'social' media but presumably you've changed your password and he won't be able to delete anything you upload from hereon in?

I suggest you reinstate all of the photos he's deleted so that they can be viewed by any interested party while you're away.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 24/08/2012 15:32

You could do a great photo montage of your good times together, with dates and tags and upload them again. Now you have a new password he won't be able to hack.

izzyizin · 24/08/2012 15:51

Great idea from Scarlet - make engaging in a bit of therapeutic artwork a priority before you jet off for a brilliant holiday full of sun, sand, and hot men cocktails.

If you can add a title to your montage you could call it 'My life as Monty's (substitute his name) double' or 'My parallel universe with Mr Mortgaged To The Hilt With Another Woman' or 'Time served - Free at last' or somesuch which cannot be construed as libellous.

Don't waste a frame on it as we'll need one to hang round his neck when you return from your idyll Grin

izzyizin · 24/08/2012 16:06

Btw, have your locks been changed (the ones on your doors not on your head) and do you have netcurtain twitchers neighbours you can ask to call the police if they should spot his uninvited and unwelcome presence anywhere near your property?

Or maybe your cousin can call round every couple of days and send a text to reassure you that all is as it should be externally so that there are no surprises waiting for you on your return home?

Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 24/08/2012 18:13

I am liking the idea if the montage titled 'Time served - Free at last' haha!

I changed my FB password straight away. However, it's probably futile to re-upload the pics because my privacy settings are really high so only 'FB friends' can see anything.

I got a quote re getting locks changed. However, my DF had simultaneously been to get some prices (I have a six dead-bolt type system?!) and he can do it cheaper so is going to sort it for my return. God love my DPs.

My DB and DN's will stay in my home during my holiday - to look after my mog and protect it from unwelcome twunts.

Izzy, I am not sure I'll be able to benefit from the hot Greek men with my DM cramping my style in tow :o However, some of our family friends will be there at the same time so I can always palm her off on them if the opportunity arises :o

OP posts:
Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 24/08/2012 18:24

*of not if :-|

OP posts:
PanickingIdiot · 24/08/2012 18:54
  1. Sorry this is happening to you, OP.
  2. You come across brave and reasonable, well done. It may not seem like it to you know, but you'll be OK in the long run, and the better off for what happened.
  3. Do not have any further contact with this man or his family, and tell your family and friends to stay away from them, too. Don't contact the other woman. I get it that you feel for her and you are tempted to see an ally in her, but she is not your responsibility and not your problem. None of these people are going to take kindly to anything you may do or say to them, regardless of your intentions (as you may have gathered from the police showing up on your doorstep) so just protect yourself and concentrate on rebuilding your life. Don't write letters, don't call, don't engage with them. They are adults and will draw their own conclusions anyway, and you have more important things to worry about. Good luck. You'll come out the other end.
Rikalaily · 24/08/2012 21:45

Change your email password too, FB send a confirmation to your email before you can change the password... Also change the secret questions and answers to your email accounts too. This is how my ex hacked my accounts, he knew the answers to my secret questions that were asked when you change the email password, from there he got into everything else and posed as me for ages. He worked for Virgin at the time and had my internet cut off so I knew nothing about everything he was doing until I got back online.

Well done, you are doing so well! I'd still write the letter to the OW and add photos etc, he might have been able to talk his way out of it with her Sad

FellatioNelson · 25/08/2012 09:30

To be honest, I think if he is cynically going to cover his tracks and 'warn' his OW about you he is definitely going to convince her that you are just some nutter from his past who won't go away.

I think it's time to go and see her face to face. Don't let him know -just find her work number and ask to meet her privately, but in public. Or just turn up out of the blue, so she won't be able to tell him first. Take a list of all the dates, Christmases, holidays etc you can think off that he may have lied to her about, or disputed. Give her a disk with some of the photos on - the more recent the better.

And tell her in no uncertain terms all about his MH issues - she may not know, or she may feel sorry for him because she thinks he is someone battling depression, who needs support. Well he may be, but it doesn't excuse this behaviour.

I know you do not need to 'prove' yourself to her, and you will not be wanting him back anyway so there is no prize to be won at the end of this, but at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you have warned her of what he is capable of, and of making her realise that you are not the bady guy in the whole sorry mess.

Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 25/08/2012 16:50

I am now swaying towards giving her the letter when I return from holiday.

Not really for her benefit. But for mine. For closure. I keep getting feelings of real anger now. For what he has taken from me :(

It still feels surreal. But I keep getting a nasty shock as I realise, sh*t I am nearly 35 and single :(

I so want a family too. I feel like I have had to wait such a long time for one and it's been snatched away from me again.

The thought of starting over is really overwhelmingly :(

But, here I am hey.

A low day today :(

OP posts:
Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 25/08/2012 16:51

*overwhelming

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 25/08/2012 17:40

Oh Stookie... all I can say is get through today. One day at a time...

Yes, he has stolen years of your life, and that is unforgiveable. But count your blessings that you didn't have a child with him. It really would have complicated things even more.

Big Hug and try to enjoy your holiday. Then see how you feel about sending that letter once you are back.

tawse57 · 25/08/2012 17:44

I am so sorry for you. I hope you find the strength to ditch him and build a new life.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 30/08/2012 04:32

Any updates Stookie? Thinking of you. xxx

izzyizin · 30/08/2012 05:01

Stookie's on vacation and hopefully enjoying sun, sand, hot men and cocktails in an idyllic summer destination outside of the UK, Lurking.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 30/08/2012 05:42

Wonderful! I hope she ha a truly lovely holiday!

Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 30/08/2012 17:12

Hey!

Greetings from sunnier climes.

Is lovely here. And nice to spend time with my mum.

I am finding it difficult though and feel like I have to put on a happy front for my mum's sake when quite a lot of the time I feel down and upset :-(

I have heard word that the ow has dumped xDP after my cousin outed him.

Strangely all I feel about that is sad - for me, her and him :-(

OP posts:
izzyizin · 30/08/2012 20:17

Slope off for half an hour every day and have a good wallow, and then start chanelling the feelgood factor of sun, sea, blue skies, and a relaxed way of life.

If the ow's had the good sense to dump the twat, I suspect he'll be making overtures to you on your return. FGS don't be suckered back into his Walter Mitty world again.

achillea · 30/08/2012 20:23

Find someone to take on holiday with you. Anyone, just not him.

You need to get this twunt out of your head and into the past.

I shall definitely vote for him in the Callous Twunt of the Year competition.

achillea · 30/08/2012 20:24

Ah, page 8 of 8. I will try to keep up. Smile

Newtothisstuff · 30/08/2012 20:27

It's all he deserves !!!!