In shock

[stookiesackhouse]

Found out tonight that my DP of over three years bought a house with and has been living with another woman since Feb.They have been together for two years.

I only found out through my mum talking to her colleague and it turns out she knows DP.

He has been leading a double life. To split the time between us he has used his DF's cancer, his asthma, training courses, and his MH issues as excuses for why he needed to be away from home.

I am nearly 35, we had planned on having a family. However, our sex life was dire due to his MH which I was supporting him with.

I feel shell shocked and humiliated :-(

So sorry to hear this. I agree what a twunt! Can you take a friend on your holiday instead?

Gosh, yet another.

Glad you are going to tell her, but please speak to a solicitor about your legal position/finances, and make sure you check your credit rating also. Look out for credit cards that you didn't apply for, and loans, etc.

You can get a free half hour with many solicitors.

You also need to get a std checkup, sorry to say.

He doesn't have DID. First of all, it's not called multiple personalities any more, his first mistake. It's called Dissociative Identity Disorder. Second of all, you would already know if he had it. Trust me. My ex's DM had it and there was no faking it. She has a very sick woman who would suddenly start talking to you in a Southern accent (we're Australian) or sucking her thumb, or throwing herself on the floor screaming like a toddler etc. She had a a carer and was on a HUGE amount of medication. Huge. To be diagnosed, there would be interviews with his family and friends, a clinical evaluation, months of things like brain scans to make she he didn't have anything that could be mimicking the symptoms because it's such a controversial illness.

I have no idea what other ridiculous lies he's spouted off that he has, but I doubt he has anything other than being a compulsive liar!

If you give him a week to "sweat" that is a week for him to prepare her with tales of how mad and wicked you are. So when you do tell her, she wouldn't believe you even if you had a signed letter from the pope.

Tell her today. Or move on. You aren't going to be able to hold it over is head, he's clearly a convincing liar.

I suggest you invest in a long ladder, climb it and shit on this wankstain from a great height.

Don't wait a week, he is a skilled liar and manipulator. She will believe you are the devil incarnate by the end the week and nothing you will say will make her see otherwise!

Hi, firstly so sorry you have had the misfortune to get in a relationship with this type of person, thankfully they are quite rare.

This happened to me in my twenties, 'our' relationship lasted 8 years, I feel i lost nearly a decade of my life on lies and still feel bitter about it!!

Tell the other woman, she deserves to know what kind of total cock she is involved with and don't be suprised if he tries to continue his relationship with you, he's been in this situation a long time and probably quite enjoys it.

Once this is over, please try and walk away and cut all contact with him or he will try to reel you back in.

One point is that this left me with major trust issues and my self esteem was ruined, I ended up getting CBT on the NHS about 4 years later which really helped.

On the plus side, i've had some good relationships after this and am now engaged with 2nd child on the way. I won't say what happened to the loser I was with, but lets just say karma's a bitch.

I agree - don't wait a week. Pack up every single item tht belongs to ths arse and find out where she lives.

Hi Stookie , you've had a massive shock and it's really early days still, but if you try to step back and see the big picture, you will come to see what a lucky escape you've had. You are 34, there's still plenty of time.

It might be a good idea to write a list where you honestly admit all the things that were not right in your relationship, to look at whenever you're having a wobble. You said that your sex life was dire, that you had to constantly support him with his MH issues. I'm sure there will be plenty of other crappy things you can dig up (aside from the fact that he's a liar, a cheat, etc).

You will get through this horrid time, and your life will be a million times better, I promise you.

I was in a similar situation to you stookie a few years ago, and exBF used the exact same excuse of father having cancer etc.
When I found out I turned up at his parents and told them everything. My only regret was I never got to talk to OW and as far as I know she still to this day doesn't know.
It was horrid and humilitating at the time, I felt like such a fool, but gradually I realised that I only never saw it because I am a good person and my mind simply didn't work that way. the lies, upon lies, upon lies were horrendous - I really think when he was with me he believed the story he had woven with me, and when he was with her it was the same.
Really feel for you but honestly you will get through this. I actually found him easier to get over as it made me realise I never actually knew him - the man I had fallen in love with was a myth, a fabrication.

Oh my goodness.
Poor, poor you.

I think you need to gather up all of his things, including photos of you both. Deliver them to OW.

I feel for both of you. What a giant twunt!

I am so sorry for what has happened - but thank goodness you found out now.

By the way he is zero chance of any claim on your house - if he had proof of paying the mortgage and receipts for work he had done to the house then he might have had a claim, but generally he hasn't got a hope of getting his grubby paws on your home. The common-law wife/husband thing is a total misconception and he can spout all the nonsense he likes, he is wrong..

I agree though, tell the OW asap, get it over and done with.

Yes, tell her. You never know, you might end up with a nice new friend out of it - she will feel as distressed as you, and the two of you will probably be able to understand each other in a way some people won't.
Though she might be a cow, of course.

Another thing you could do (but may not want to) is shop the miserable sod to one of the mags like Take A Break, this is the sort of thing they love and you could get a few hundred quid for your story.

What is with these men? How difficult is it to end one relationship before starting another? Of course you'd be hurt if he moved out but this double life is far worse. Where do they get the energy from? I could not be bothered to keep track of the lies to family, friends, the finances and each partner!

What a shock!

I agree with Izzy - there have been some horrendous relationship stories on Mumsnet over the past month or so.

Am so sorry you are going through this.

Where is the git now?
Did he leave your house?
Can you get in touch with the OW?

Take care and make sure you look after yourself and eat something.

Fucking hell, you poor thing! What the hell is wrong with these men? You will get through this, in time you will look back and breathe a sigh of relief that you escaped a grade A nightmare.

Thanks everyone. Reality starting to hit today. Mixed with a little relief.

My head is just whirring all the time. Everything making so much sense.

He packed his stuff and took all his things with him last night.

I will give myself a day to pull myself together - can't stop my legs shaking at the moment - then I will find this girl and tell her. All I know is the estate they live on and her first name. Oh and where she works.

My dignity is very precious to me though so I won't do anything to jeopardise it.

Yes, you have to tell her.

If it was me I would want to know.

But be dignified and no screeching in the street!

Yes I think she needs to know. If they have a joint mortgage or he is spinning her the same crap so that she financially supports him then the longer this goes on the worse the consequences will be for her in the long term. I would do it sooner rather than later tbh because I'd not want to waste thought space on him anymore. Do you think his parents will tell her?

Agree you should tell her, sooner rather than later. Or at least, that's what I'd want to do. He wants you to help him save his other marriage? He can fuck off quite frankly. For all you know she won't care, will forgive and stay with him but at least you'll have done the right thing and told her. What she chooses to do afterwards is up to her.

If you feel you want evidence to show her then do you have any emails/pictures/bills/etc you could take? Can you access any of his phone bills? You might not have the texts themselves but an itemised bill will show that he has been texting you.

If you want her to know then strike now, before he gets chance to spin his poisonous side of the story.

I'm so sorry this twat has done this to you.

Stookie, I know your shocked and I know it hurts but you're well rid of him.
I would usually say don't get involved with the OW but for what he said to you about ruining it for him - I would inform her and also give her the chance to get rid of his lying cheating arse too.
Take care of yourself xxx

Oh my, how awful. You are right to tell her though, she deserves to know. I would do it sooner than later.

You need to get some legal advice ASAP, just to ensure he can't make any claims on your property or anything else. Change your locks today, too. He is a nutter who can't be trusted, you need to be safe.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and in a way relieved also that you found out now and not a few years down the line.

Words can not describe how I feel about this man and his level of deceit, so god only knows how you are feeling at the moment.

I agree when everyone says you need to tell the OW asap, with hopefully his parents backing you up - although I would be surprised if this happens.

One more little thing you may need to do that hasn't been mentioned yet.....CHANGE THE LOCKS if you have ever given him a key. Just in case.

Be very kind to yourself today, honey. Plenty of and light but nourishing meals.

Food can be the last thing you want but it should be the first because you've had a severe emotional shock and this kind of trauma can manifest physically. Eat little and often - scrambled eggs, soup, or any foods that you find particularly comforting.

As for telling the ow, there's no need to rush. Pick a time that feels right for you and give some consideration to taking a friend with you if you intend to see her face to face.

Obviously he ran back to his mortgaged alternative home last night where he wlll have made a grand confession complete with crocodile tears and promises of eternal fidelity.

I'm guessing he'll spin this into you being the evil ex who wouldn't let him go. Poor diddums has had to live a double life for fear that you woud make good your threats to top yourself if he abandoned you.

How could this callous and calculating noble and self-sacrificing cad specimen have lived with himself if you'd harmed yourself because of your obsession with him?

Whatever problems or niggling little doubts she may have had about him - and there will have many some - will be instantly resolved when he explains that he was only acting strangely due to you putting the screws on him, or that your demands caused any mental health issues he may have suffered since she met him.

Your first instinct was to make him suffer for a week and IMO that is the way forward as, following his confession, she may be engaging in some hysterical bonding with him and will be particularly resistant to taking on board anything you may say to her.

The advantage of giving it a few weeks is that he'll be on edge in case you manage to nobble her. I supect that he'll endeavour to be with her as much as he possibly can for fear that you manage to speak to her privately, and he'll be as attentive as possible to her - the totally devoted and besotted swain, so to speak.

Of course, cracks will soon begin to appear and that will be the time for you to reveal all in a clinically dispassionate fashion.

What is his dps role in this? Are they ambivalent? Will they attempt to substantiate any false allegations he makes against you?

Btw, as suggested by mole - get your locks changed as a matter of urgency.

stookie I am so sorry this is terrible

I dont want to worry you but actually he may well have a legal claim on your property unless he signed a Deed of Trust before moving in which you havent mentioned.

Although it may be the last thing you want to do you need to see a solicitor as soon as possible. It may be that he will want to slink off and pretend he never knew you but unfortunately you dont know this man now or what he may try to do