Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In shock

211 replies

stookiesackhouse · 15/08/2012 00:30

Found out tonight that my DP of over three years bought a house with and has been living with another woman since Feb.They have been together for two years.

I only found out through my mum talking to her colleague and it turns out she knows DP.

He has been leading a double life. To split the time between us he has used his DF's cancer, his asthma, training courses, and his MH issues as excuses for why he needed to be away from home.

I am nearly 35, we had planned on having a family. However, our sex life was dire due to his MH which I was supporting him with.

I feel shell shocked and humiliated :-(

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 20/08/2012 19:50

Can I have your Mum? Maybe you could put her in a copier and send me the copy? Wow, how wonderful it must be to have someone on your side like that. And it is amazing how many twunt's parents close ranks no matter what. It is a sign of HUGE emotional sickness, and is quite a clue as to how they got the way they did.

stookiesackhouse · 21/08/2012 01:12

Events have unfolded today.

Firstly, i was doing some housework and two policemen arrived at my door - to discuss two reports that I have threatened violence towards xdp - one from him, one from his mum. The policeman said xdp had said we had been finished a long time and I had turned nasty. Policemen also said xdp's mum contradicted this and said I was on the scene and had been cheated on.

The policeman also said he didn't believe a word xdp had said - and didn't like him!!

Then my younger cousin was taking her dog for a walk on the beach tonight with her bf and who did she bump into? xdp and other woman :(

She confronted him and told ow the truth - giving key dates and times etc to trigger her memory. ow started to cry :(

He had forewarned her about me.

My cousin said ow believed her over him.

All in all the most stressful day of my life to date!

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 21/08/2012 01:16

Oh God. :(

I have no idea how to implement this advice, but he is unhinged and dangerous, and his family is just as bad. You need to keep yourself safe!!

stookiesackhouse · 21/08/2012 01:23

I feel really frightened :( like I have become his enemy when I am in fact totally innocent, and the biggest victim of all in this :(

What an awful thing he has done.

I an getting my locks changed tomorrow.

OP posts:
stookiesackhouse · 21/08/2012 01:26

I said to my cousin, it feels so surreal to think that a week ago we were lying in bed listening to the ipod - one earphone in each, holding hands etc :-(

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 21/08/2012 01:27

Very tight cuddle It's going to be okay. I promise. The cops are on YOUR side. They already know they have it in for you, so when he makes further claims, they already know he's a liar. Also remember, he's batty. His claims will be unbelievable because they're bizarre.

Perhaps a friend could come stay with you for a few days? Or even just for tea so he knows you're not alone?

May I ask what mental illness' he claimed to have other than DID? He clearly is mentally ill....Just probably not any of the things he told you!!

Oh and you are NOT a victim. You are a SURVIVOR.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 21/08/2012 01:28

Oh hun :(

stookiesackhouse · 21/08/2012 01:32

Thanks Lurking, lots.

I feel like I am living in some weird dream.

He had depression, ptsd, and ocd. Then the did. I have been reading about borderline personality disorder and pathological lying and I think these are probably closer to the truth.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 21/08/2012 01:41

I was thinking the exact same thing from the first post TBH.

I have OCD. Trust me, if it was only at convenient times he doesn't have it. It can destroy your life, I have to take medication and get special therapy. (Much better now, but will always have it Smile)

People with BPD see things very black and whte. Combined with pathological lying - which usually involves convincing yourself the lie is true - he probably genuinely believes you are the bad guy. Remember he asked you 'not to ruin it for him?' He's probably convinced himself he was escaping this terribly emotionally abusive relationship to justify what he wants.

That's why I believe he's dangerous. He believes his own shit and is delusional. I think you need to prepare yourself for things to get worse. :(

stookiesackhouse · 21/08/2012 01:44

Oh god, like what? I can't take anymore stress. Felt like lying down and dying today I was so ill.

:-(

I can't believe it's happening to me :-(

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 21/08/2012 02:33

Oh Stookie -- you are probably right to suspect BPD or some such personality disorder. It seems to run in the family...

Have you considered a protection order or non-molestation order?

mathanxiety · 21/08/2012 02:34

You may also need to get an alarm installed on your home.

izzyizin · 21/08/2012 03:49

Aw honey (((hugs)), what an utter twunt he is.

But please don't panic as all he's doing is acting true to form.

He's terrified of you. Not because he fears that you will be violent towards him or the ow, but because he knows that you can cut through the crap he's told her which has, as I predicted back on page 3, taken the form of him claiming that he's been trying to break free of you for years.

I suspect that he's done such a good number on the ow that she's been trembling in her shoes expecting you to turn up with a hatchet at any moment. The poor thing has most probably been scared to go out without an escort and has been jumping out of her skin at the sound of any unexpected or sudden noise.

As almost a week's gone by without a peep out of you she may have begun to express some doubt that you're as obsessed/deranged/insane as he's claimed or, more likely, has become even more unnerved by the continual horror stories he's been feeding her to maintain the illusion that he's an honourable man and demanded that he take steps to protect the pair of them from your murderous intent.

Hence his report to the police and their visit to you - an exercise which has done him no good at all but which indicates the lengths he's prepared to go to in order to blacken your name and convince the ow that he's been your victim, rather than you having been conned by his duplicity.

I love that karma is already on the case and that your cousin's fortuitous encounter with the happy pair enabled her to lay the groundwork for his eventual denouement.

Of course the ow sided with him; that's only to be expected given that she was caught on the hop and it brings a smile to my face to imagine the heated conversation that took place after they returned to Villa Mortgage. I somehow doubt that he's quite such a happy bunny today as he's been while busily engaged in bigging himself up at your expense.

Everything comes to those that wait, honey. And you can afford to wait until he least expects it before delivering a cool, calm, and entirely factual account of his relationship with you to the ow.

Karma in the form of your cousin ensured that he had some explaining to do to the ow last night and karma will help us ensure that his extensive lies are revealed for all to see.

Btw, don't waste valuable time trying to attach any labels to him that suggest he has some condition over which he has no control as the only ailment he's suffering from is twuntisim, and he knows full well what he is doing at all times.

izzyizin · 21/08/2012 04:24

As he has not made any direct or covert threats to you or, as we are aware, come near your home, I cannot see that you have grounds to apply for a non-mol or similar injunction.

However, if he makes any further false allegations to the police or should it come to your attention that he has made allegations, whether true or false, against you to other persons, I would suggest that you ask the police to issue him with a Police Harassment Warning.

whatthewhatthebleep · 21/08/2012 09:09

I hope you have had some sleep OP....this man is seriously un-hinged...I hope your locks are changed today and it's very reassuring that the Police are so aware and supportive....

I hope today is a calmer one and you can feel safe. Have you got anyone who can come and stay for a day or two...just while things settle and you can feel more confident in managing things?

izzyizin · 21/08/2012 17:36

Hoping that today has been uneventful for you and that you've had your locks changed - not for any reason other than that a self-entitled twunt can be of the opinion that they have a divine right to enter any premises to which they hold keys regardless of the occupant's wishes.

stookiesackhouse · 21/08/2012 17:46

So, during the night - after being outed, he hacked my Facebook account and deleted all pics of him.

:-(

I didn't think he knew my password. Changed now though.

Locks changed tomorrow.

Worst week ever ladies.

OP posts:
dondon33 · 21/08/2012 18:08

Arsehole is the only label that needs attaching.

So sorry Stookie that this has happened to you.
Good the police didn't believe him and that your cousin got the chance to spill a few home truths. Whether or not OW believed it at the time it may make her start thinking and questioning what he has told her.
Be careful and as someone else suggested maybe its wise to look into a non molestation/protection order because I fear if his new relationship with OW breaks up when she finds his true colours then he's going to blame you for it.
Take care xx

AllOverIt · 21/08/2012 18:34

Bloody hell OP. What an absolute toad of a man. You sound lovely and dignified to me.

I hope you find your way through this soon. Smile

mathanxiety · 21/08/2012 18:59

I think making nuisance allegations against you might constitute harassment and warrant a non-mol order. The hacking of the FB page might too as that is possible invasion of your private online space (if such exists).

You can ask to talk with the DV officer at your local station to examine your options. Women's Aid might also be able to give you some pointers. 0808 2000 247

mameulah · 21/08/2012 19:05

Get over him fast. Have time out and then find someone who deserves you.

stookiesackhouse · 21/08/2012 21:10

Thanks :)

The support here has been great.

I am looking forward to this all blowing over (hopefully) and starting a new chapter.

OP posts:
BellaOfTheBalls · 22/08/2012 07:17

stookie I have no advice but just wanted to send some support. What an utter bell end he is.

chezziejo · 22/08/2012 07:58

Delurking to say hope your ok and had some sleep. I don't generally offer advice as others are so much better at it than me. As for Facebook is it possible to contact them. I heard a story once where they were able to recover things as its saved on a database somewhere. No ideas if it's true but you can at least report him for him hacking your account. Hope he dosnt know any other passwords like Internet banking.

Figgygal · 22/08/2012 08:32

Hi op have just caught your thread can't believe what he has done to and the fact he's since invaded your fb and seemingly spun his family a line to have them support ......wow in sat here shaking my head for u!! Sounds like the police can see right thru him do don't worry about that....hopefully your cousins confrontation of them will have made her see the lies he has told.

U sound really together!! Stay strong!!