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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock

211 replies

stookiesackhouse · 15/08/2012 00:30

Found out tonight that my DP of over three years bought a house with and has been living with another woman since Feb.They have been together for two years.

I only found out through my mum talking to her colleague and it turns out she knows DP.

He has been leading a double life. To split the time between us he has used his DF's cancer, his asthma, training courses, and his MH issues as excuses for why he needed to be away from home.

I am nearly 35, we had planned on having a family. However, our sex life was dire due to his MH which I was supporting him with.

I feel shell shocked and humiliated :-(

OP posts:
Newtothisstuff · 16/08/2012 10:55

What a rat !! This kinda happened to me. My then bf had another gf for a whole year and I didn't realise. I kicked myself that I was stupid enough not to realise I think that's what made me more upset.
I called this girl and had a 3 hour long chat with her, it was upsetting for the both of us but it wasn't her fault she didn't know about me either.
If I were you I'd try and call her and arrange a meeting, I think you said you knew where she worked ? Your ex would never imagine you would call her at work, just don't be all anti with her and hopefully she will see sense, at the end of the day she probably knows nothing about you either !! What an absolute rat. Don't know where men get off thinking they can do things like this to women Sad AngryAngryAngry makes me so cross !! Least your shot of the wanker now.. Onto bigger and better things for you op !!!

Kirsty240287 · 16/08/2012 12:02

This thread struck a cord with me, not because it has happened to me personally but I fear the same thing is happening to a friend of mine but I have no proof, another friend and I have talked about following him like one of the previous posters did, maybe she can give me some tips!? lol

On a serious note, you say you know where she works, is it a coffee shop type of place where you can give her a note/letter or an office type set up?

I would say know he knows you know that's he's thought shit and come up with a lie like the others have suggested, basically along the lines of your the psycho ex or some friend of a friend that's befriended him on fb and is in love with him, and he didn't want to tell her because it would upset her and he's not interested blah blah.

If he has done this and she works in an office type place then I'd think carefully about what to do/say. If you turn up asking to see her she could call security/the police and say your a stalker etc.

I liked the idea of collecting things in a box though, can you print screen shots from fb (you said something about photo's on there, although I may have got this wrong), any birthday cards, phone records etc. Write a letter and deliver it to her at work, maybe in a nice gifty box so she thinks it's a nice surprise from him? If you were to go round, he or she can call the police and if you send something to the house he can destroy the evidence. He can't do much if you send it to her work UNLESS he's warned her that you'll do such a thing and she in turn has warned work that it may contain something dangerous etc

Do let us know what you plan on doing x

whatthewhatthebleep · 16/08/2012 12:48

On the subject of his MH...try to recall meds, appointments he told you about having, what he is meant to be suffering from and what treatment he has apparentely been getting, from where is he getting this help, etc any evidence in regard to this....this may help the other woman to piece things together too..she may not even know about these issue's with him..it may help to sort out the truth from the flannel iykwim....make sure you give her all your contact details too....it may be very helpful to you both to share this deceit played out on both of you, and you maybe can support each other through this too.....

whatthewhatthebleep · 16/08/2012 12:52

is he on the electoral role at your address...put a copy of this in too...and any other possible documents...where does his employer think he lives, what address does he actually use for things????..GP, Bank Acc, gym membership's, club's, anything, whatever else....get this proof too

gettingeasier · 16/08/2012 14:34

Someone I know was you stookie

She made a storyboard of photos of her and him and went to his wifes house with her Dad for moral support. It never went beyond the doorstep and she never knew what happened once she showed his wife.

I guess you need to decide if you want to be there or do as the earlier poster suggested and send something

Take care of yourself

Offred · 16/08/2012 15:30

I think you need to protect yourself first and foremost. If you send gift boxes/make story boards etc he may tell the "mental ex" story and even go so far as to report you to the police for harassment. I would send her an matter of fact email explaining exactly what happened and what he said and how you found out and why you are telling her. It you do something over emotional rather than matter of fact it will make you look insane.

Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 16/08/2012 15:48

I plan to do a matter of fact letter or email. In that I will say I have three years worth of evidence if she wants to see it.

I will leave my number in case she wants to meet for a coffee.

DP's mum text my mum today and said they are aware that I am going to try and make contact with OW and that there is no point because she knows everything now.

When the news was broken to me on Tuesday, DP said OW knows all about me. I said I want to slap the pair of you.

Obv he was telling me she knew to throw me off the scent that she is blissfully unaware - it just took me a very short while to fathom that.

This text from his mum said they have reported my threat of 'violence' to the police who are aware of the situation and I had better not go near her.

Major bluff alert :)

I don't have a violent bone in my body and this comment was my one moment of weakness.

My mum replied we are fine with that, however, the raft of evidence will still be presented to OW - and nice to see your true colours shining through here after your son has just decimated my daughter's life.

OP posts:
NCForNow · 16/08/2012 15:50

I advise you to not communicate to his Mother at all and not to allow yours to join in either.

Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 16/08/2012 16:09

We wanted to respond just to show their mind games won't work. We didn't plan to respond to anything else after that.

Just for info, my mum and his mum work in same large LA department and knew each other before we got together.

OP posts:
3kidsand4cats · 16/08/2012 16:24

i like the sound of your mum, stookie.

Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 16/08/2012 16:34

Thanks 3kids :-)

I have had hideous luck with men, but I am really lucky in that I have a brilliant family and lots of lovely friends.

Something DP was lucky enough to share and now has nothing of the sort.

OP posts:
Kirsty240287 · 16/08/2012 16:44

God parents will stick by their kids no matter what wont they! Fair enough if they had been told you'd split but now they know that was a lie they are taking his side! As much as we love our kids, if my son (don't have one yet) did this I'd be so disappointed and upset for both woman who have clearly been played. Even if they have gone to the police, which I doubt, what evidence of violence do they have? And correct me if I'm wrong but the police can't actually do anything until an incident has occurred.

Your well shot Stook (same nickname as my DP), the OW is welcome to him and his oh so understanding family Hmm

RabidAnchovy · 16/08/2012 16:52

I know it wont feel like it now but you are well rid of him and all his issues

CarrotWithaTwist · 16/08/2012 18:32

Just read you thread, I'm so sorry this arsehole has put you through this stookie. You are being so strong and if sounds like your family are fantastic.

I don't have any sensible advice but like the idea of starting your email/letter/conversation with the opening line: I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you that your partner has been cheating on you. He has been lieing to you from the start. I know this because for the last three years I have been living with "Mr Twunt".

Ruprekt · 16/08/2012 18:41

Well done, Your Mum!!!!

Offred · 16/08/2012 19:12

It is bullshit "I want to slap the pair of you" is not a "threat of violence" it is "I feel like slapping you but I'm not going to" if you had said "if I see you together I am going to slap the pair of you" that would be a threat of violence. The police would roll their eyes. You also need three incidents after a warning not to contact them anymore for it to be harassment.

Merrin · 16/08/2012 19:14

Change the locks before you go on holiday and have your lovely parents pop in often to check all is ok.

Have a lovely holiday :)

Merrin · 16/08/2012 19:18

Also I consider having your solicitor inform her, so there is no need for direct contact between you, but then I am super cautious. He does sound unstable so I would make sure you are always above reproach and you and your home are secure.

Merrin · 16/08/2012 19:19

would*

neuroticmumof3 · 16/08/2012 19:42

You are coping with this so well. It happened to my best friend and also to my SiL. They both informed the OW of the years of deceit that had been going on but in both cases the OW stood by their man. I think you are behaving in a very dignified manner btw.

shrimponastick · 16/08/2012 19:47

Omg. I have just read through this thread.

I am so angry for you. What a twat to mess you about, and think he can get away with it.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that things will be better.

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2012 19:53

Don't forget to say, "I have given him several opportunities to end our relationship but he wouldn't hear of it."

AnyFucker · 16/08/2012 20:42

stookie, you sound absolutely dignified, actually

your family sound fab, and he was priveliged to be a part of it for a while

he has thrown that away, and he will be the one to suffer for that

just as it should be

Original poster
stookiesackhouse · 16/08/2012 23:10

Thanks so much everyone. This thread has helped me through the blur of the past two days.

It still doesn't feel real.

I am weakening tonight and am missing him and really want to speak to him. I won't of course. But the sudden finality of it all has been pretty brutal :(

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 16/08/2012 23:29

My H blindsided me by walking out when I had no idea there was anything wrong. The shock and hurt is just unbelievable.

I have had a bizarre conversation this week with OW's H who is adamant that nothing is going on.... Some people can't see what is right in front if them...

My MIL said "oh well it's his decision" on hearing the news that he had walked out. everybody else's reaction was OMG what a bastard. Blood really is thicker than water :(

You are doing really well

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