In shock

[stookiesackhouse]

Found out tonight that my DP of over three years bought a house with and has been living with another woman since Feb.They have been together for two years.

I only found out through my mum talking to her colleague and it turns out she knows DP.

He has been leading a double life. To split the time between us he has used his DF's cancer, his asthma, training courses, and his MH issues as excuses for why he needed to be away from home.

I am nearly 35, we had planned on having a family. However, our sex life was dire due to his MH which I was supporting him with.

I feel shell shocked and humiliated :-(

He moved into stookie's place; they are not married and if he's not named on the mortgage/deeds he has no legal claim on her property, gettingeasier.

Well that directly contradicts advice from my solicitor around a year ago izzyizin but I am guessing neither of us are legal experts so I still think it needs checking

Do you have dc with a dp who moved into/lives in your property, gettingeasier?

this is good and well referenced

It's simple. In England/Wales if a co-habitee is not named on deeds/mortgage and is not party to any legally binding agreement they have no claim in law in respect of the property they lived/are living in.

However, as was recently seen with starting's trial by ordeal, that does not stop some twunts trying it on.

It isn't izzy actually it is quite complicated. But I agree with you that he will very likely have no claim to the house because it was never either of their intention for him to have one. Also he would find it hard to make a case he intended to share her house when he was buying another one with another woman and telling his parents they were no longer together.

(he'd also have to prove she intended to share her house with him and how much it was intended he'd have)

OP, so sorry this has happened to you.

I just wanted to let you know I really doubt he has been 'diagnosed' with multiple personality disorder

There are no good studies to even prove it exists and as far as I know no psychiatrist has diagnosed a case in years. Interestingly it's often a claim used by bullshitters to attempt to excuse a crime etc.

In short, he is bullshitting out of his arse about his supposed 'diagnosis' -I'd love to see him produce any evidence of his alleged affliction. What a wanker.

Back again :-)

I don't think he stands a chance re my place because he was not on any bills, not registered as living there and basically my wages go in my account, my bills come out. No other income. Also he is registered at their new address. I think he would be thrown out of court?

I have started to get angry tonight. Really angry, especially as I piece everything together. The lies are limitless. But they are cruel and manipulative.

I have watched my family and friends cry, swear, shout over this. And I hate him, not just for hurting me but for duping and hurting my loved ones.

I wrote some emails to some select members of his family and friends today and sent them. Nothing malicious or angry, just factual. I said I will be telling all of our family and friends about his character and that I don't expect anyone to get involved or take sides, I just want people to hear my side.

I feel better that I haven't just lay down and taken it while he walks off to start his new chapter.

I am also going to tell the OW. Having thought about everything, I am sure the penny will drop for her just as it did for me. I have no idea where she thought he was staying Christmas Eve, Day and New Years Eve.

You are handling this so well Stookie, we're so proud of you.

When do you plan to tell OW? Since he can't open his mouth without lying, I strongly suggest as soon as possible lest she suffer the same fate as you,

He's unbelievable. In every way.

But be prepared for aftershocks, both in the way you feel over the next few days and what you discover he's told others about his parallel lives.

Thanks Izzy and Lurking.

My emotions are running wild while I try to keep a calm facade. I was proud of myself for how I handled yesterday - calm, in control, articulate. But now I wish I had just punched him and not stopped :-(

He would text/call me numerous times a day. I haven't heard from him since the showdown yesterday - obviously so I can't use it as evidence.

But for him to watch me go through that and not be in touch to see how I am is vile. I didn't expect it obviously.

What I feel most hurt about currently is he duped me into leading a virtually celibate life while he was shagging OW and also, that three years on and I was still fighting for a decent level of commitment while he committed to OW in less than a year.

Why didn't he let me go when I tried instead of bombarding me with texts, calls, flowers etc.

I feel so stupid, but my friends and family say they feel the same :-(

You'll be thinking 'how the hell didn't I know what he was up to' for a long time to come, but he fooled a lot of people and it wasn't just you who was taken in by him.

You're not stupid, honey. He's a plausible liar who sees kindness as weakness and doesn't scruple to take advantage of others.

stookie, you're not stupid at all. Don't ever think that. He fooled you but that's because he's a duplicitous, conniving bastard who has behaved in a manner that most people would think incredible. I mean, you don't expect people to live a double life on that scale, do you?

Thanks Izzy. You have been great.

Does anyone have any ideas on best way to approach other woman. Not keen on having door slammed in my face by her.

How should I open the convo. Am thinking I might not get to say much so I need to select my words carefully.

I have read your thread and want to say how amazingly sensible and calm you are. You're well out of that! Imagine if this had gone on longer? What a twat he is.

I would tell OW too. It's better. But I bet he's already working on his story...he'll give her some watered down version...so prepare yourself for her to have already been primed by him in some way.

He may tell her that you're his ex and he has been "secretly" visiting you or something weak that she can easily forgive.

I suggest you endeavour to make contact with her where she works and give some consideration to having a friend accompany you.

If you decide to find the address where they are living with a view to visiting her at home, IMO it will be essential for you to take someone else for backup moral support as he'll be anxious not to let her out of his sight for fear that you'll enlighten her.

It's probable he's gone with the spin I outlined earlier, or a close variation thereof, and I recommend you give it a week or so before you attempt to speak to her.

Alternatively, you could call the main switchboard of her employers and ask for her office email address - if there's a website she may have a spot on it. A factual email may elicit a response from her asking for a meeting.

Don't blame yourself in the least. Thing is, most people are nice and reasonable and fairly honest, so we expect other people to be the same. People who are horrible get away with it for quite a long time because other people expect that they don't really mean it. that there must be a good reason, that this person loves me/is my friend and couldn't possibly be fucking me over and taking me for a mug. We don't want to believe that predators are actually hurting us so we will believe any remotely plausible nonsense they come out with. You have been done over by a calculating arsehole and it's not your fault. If he got money out of you, he's a conman, if he didn't get money then what he was after is ego-food; inventing and making alternate lives for himself where he can be 'special'.

It can be exceptionally difficult for people of sensibility and sensitivity to comprehend that there are those who are completely lacking in honesty and integrity; such individuals are immoral and have a callous disregard for the feelings of others because they are unable to empathise with anyone except themselves.

The only disorder he has is twuntism which is over-represented on this board. He's nothing but a a twunt, honey. A lying, deceitful, duplicitous, common or garden, twunt.

stookie i have just read your thread in disbelief. i can't believe the way you've been treated here, it's heartbreaking. whilst i think you should put the ow in the picture, you have to protect yourself. agree with others who suggest taking a friend with you. i expect it will be very confrontational on her part, so suggest you try and remain calm even if she antagonises you. i think also that he might have got in first and spun her a line about an unstable ex making up stories and stalking him, he sounds deluded enough (and now desperate enough) to do this. so he's expecting the shit to hit the fan. so whilst she might be explosive, you need to keep really dignified and calm. i would type out a list of facts for her - stuff like, he was with me on christmas day, the date of the wedding etc., that she can't argue with. and even take copies of photos, messages from him (like the note) and attach it too. when she's calmed down and on her own she might then take it all in. in fact, thinking out loud, if you can contact her company and get her full name, etc., you could send her a recorded delivery letter to her work (so he can't get his mitts on it), and include photos, proof, etc. which would put her in the picture and save you some hassle. good luck. this is awful.

Makes you wonder what freak of nature or upbringing moulds these god awful pieces of crap into the towering mounds of assholishness they've become? So so sorry you had this happen to you. So so glad you found out when you did and can get this utter utter twunt out of your life.

oh you poor thing - what a terrible shock (())

make sure you tell her (the recorded delivery to her workplace sounds a good plan...) his reasons for you not seeing his parents. It'll be the same reasons he gave her.

instead of going to actually see this other woman....
I might be tempted to get a box...put things in it which help prove the reality of situ (photo's, tickets for any times she would have been given lies/excuses about, christmas and new year evidence....everything I could think of that would leave her in no doubt about it all.....package it up nicely, with a letter detailing everything you can think of and send it to her office or home (if you can find out the address)...distinguishing marks or features...anything relevant to your knowledge and relationship...what presents did you buy him (watch, chain, bits and pieces he uses???...prove you bought them...clothing...newest shirt, what you maybe bought for him...underwear.....the whole thing....he must have a stash of clothes and stuff in his car...so he could swap in and out of character, etc....????...maybe different phone's, etc???

You could probably find some clothing through the laundry he has left...send it too

She is likely to feel very like you do right now....but it is right that she must know the asshole he is and get herself out of her situation....her situ is harder if they have bought a house too....you need to tell her before she gets lost in years with him....

It's a devastating situation to find yourself in...I am so very sorry you are going through this nightmare....she deserves to know too....a fellow innocent woman possibly much like yourself.....and nobody could possibly have seen this coming...lower than a snakes belly this sort of person...

Excellent advice from Bleep.
You need to tell her, for her own good.

I find out that I was the 'other woman' once. The twat had primed me by telling me that she was a 'mental ex'.
She phoned me ranting and initially I didn't believe her. When she told me the times/dates he had been with her, I couldn't ignore the evidence.

He signed up for CBT after we split. Apparently the therapist said he needed more work than anyone she had met.

Not sure what happened though. I fell madly in love with Mr Right!
Every cloud does have the shiniest silver lining!!

How are you today?