My DH hates family life and I don't know what to do.

[confusedgirlfromtheShire]

Regular poster, namechanged.

Trying to keep a long story short, apologies in advance if any of this sounds perfunctory/cold. Am just trying to keep number of words down.

DH and I are both early thirties and have one DS who is nearly two. Been married 5 years. Together for 9, known each other for 14 years.

Me: high profile work in financial services on high wage, currently working four days a week. Like the job most of the time but very high pressure. Hours not too bad cos I work like a dog when I'm there so get a lot done and don't bring work home. So Mon to Thurs I am out of the house at 6.20am, 1.5 hour commute each way, home around 5.20pm. Have had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome since 2009 which lays me out whenever I have a bad virus, but I'm managing it with diet and lots of rest. House has always been in my name, now mortgage free.

DH: By agreement, does not work. Intelligent, but in his teens and early twenties lacked application, dropped out of uni, a series of jobs but zero "career", no hope of progression. I sorted him out, put him through OU while he was working, where he got a first class degree. We had DS in his final year, then I got PTSD and PND and we agreed because I earned three times what he did and he hated his job anyway he would quit, take on the babycare and we would put our DS in nursery a couple of days a week so my DH could do a masters over two years. He has just completed the first year and done very well. One year to go.

Issues: He really really hates what I term "family life". He doesn't like looking after our toddler, just puts up with it, goes through the motions but there is no real enjoyment there. DH says he feels he has no freedom and no time to himself and that he feels I never want to be on my own with DS. My argument is that I am paying £500 a month to give him Tuesdays and Thursdays to do what he wants as our DS is in nursery a day (DS loves it and is very happy there). Plus, I do Fridays and we are always out and about so he gets most of the day to himself then too. It's 50-50 in the evenings until DS goes to bed then as I go to bed early (9.30pm to recharge for the next day) if DH wants to do his own thing (pottering in the garage or painting his models) I don't mind that either. But apart from specific jobs for an hour or two on Sat and Sunday I expect that to be time where we spend it together as a family, just hanging out, going places etc. DH is pushing back on this, seems really miserable, complains that our DS is such a tie and that it's not me he resents, it's DS and he wants time to do his own thing, and as I don't really have any hobbies, it doesn't make sense for us to just be sitting around the house together as it's a waste of time. He has very few of his own friends. I can't convey how disappointed I am in him and his attitude to our family. I do half the childcare, which is mostly lovely or fine, occasionally difficult, at least half the housework, earn all the money, make all the plans for the future - all my money is OUR money saved for the big things like a better house, DS's education, holidays. DH says he can't wait to be properly working (a year away) ? but he has implicitly indicated that he wants to work his way through his dream list of cars and pursue his own dreams and do his own thing more - money is the only thing that?s stopping him now.

When DS acts up, he swears at him and it is horrible to listen to. Sometimes he sits with him in the playroom but doesn't talk or interact, just stares into space. 70% of the time though he's either good or great.
I made him go to the doctor for depression and he did, but he thinks that his reaction is entirely rational and therefore can't be a mental health issue, so he hasn?t taken it any further. I am angry with him and love him a little less each day. Conversation and general chit chat is poor, we do talk about our issues but never seem to get anywhere. But I am terrified of how I would manage on my own, because of logistics of looking after our son, for one. Weekends are bad because we don't know what to do with ourselves - we fill the time but DH isn't having any fun and that in turn puts me right on edge. Work is a relief in one way, but very stressful sometimes as I said in the beginning.

I cannot believe that this is my life now. I wish I was with someone fun and energetic who liked being a dad. DH says it was a mistake in hindsight to have DS. I don't think that (although I did when I was really ill), and would consider a second, if we got a nanny to help me get over the baby stage, which I hated. I get better with kids the older they are.

Any advice please? Do I stay or go? Any insight into what is going on in DH?s head and whether he is likely to change?

Sorry despite best efforts this has been so long.

He sounds like he's a pampered child! I don't know how you can leave your ds with someone who has those feelings about him. I really don't

He sounds awful, selfish and boy is he taking you for a ride!

He halfheartedly looks after his child while openly admitting that he resents him. You bring in all the money, do half the childcare and housework and make sure he has 3 days a week to himself.

And it's still not good enough? He wants to have no responsibility for his son and to be able to do what he wants when he wants and have you bankroll it while not really wanting to do stuff with you either. Oh, and you don't even chat together. Do you even ever have a laugh together?

Nice.

I suppose you have to ask yourself how damaging is it to your child to grow up with a father who so clearly resents him and doesn't want to have much of anything to do with him.

Nobody can tell you whether to stay or go, you have to decide that for yourself. Look at your life now. Think about what growing up in this environment will do to your child, how he feels about himself, how he comes to view relationships and measure that against being a single parent, juggling childcare and work. You have to make the decision you feel is best.

But don't make a decision based on fear of the unknown.

If you're married and he is, on paper, primary carer then you need some shit hot legal advice before you contemplate leaving. It's irrelevant whose name the house is in with married couples; when they split all property is put in a communal pot and divided accordingly. And the primary concern is continuity, stability and financial provision for the kids. You could end up with him living in the house with your DS, as on-paper primary carer, and you paying him maintenance and child support. I'm not trying to scare you, but resentment is a powerful motivator and a child can be a powerful weapon. Your H may not want your son, but if he knows you can be hurt by his obtaining residence, and a lot of cash plus continued occupation of the family home comes with it, he may go for that anyway.

I'd get your DS into fulltime nursery asap when you are working. It will strengthen your case massively for primary carer status if/when you split, and even more importantly, what harm is his father's behaviour doing him?! And as I say, I would look into legal advice on your position. You need to have your bases covered for your son's sake, as well as your own.

Frankly your DH is sounding the worst sort of cock-lodger, no matter how successful he's been academically. He sounds a complete leech.

Make sure you are sole contact with the nursery, do all the collecting etc - and actually you may want to look into adjusting your hours so you can do all drop-offs and collections, too. You don't want your son being your husband's mealticket if he treats him so appalling.

That's really good advice, perfectstorm. Really good!

Oh dear confused. He sounds like a total selfish tool. If I was you I'd be miserable and furious.

What on earth did he think family life would be like?

It sounds as though you agreed it all in advance so he can't complain about that. Sorry, but it sounds like he's taking advantage of the situation in a very unpleasant way, relying on your work, your money and your good nature to support him in his ideal lifestyle.

I can't believe he says having your child was a mistake. What a hideous, screaming tosser. I'd kick him out for that alone and get a decent nanny to do the child care.

I agree with Perfect Storm. Get your child into full time childcare, and give your husband no excuse to be a lazy drain on the finances. Tell him to motivate himself and get a job.

I certainly would not contemplate having a second child with him at any time in the near future.

He sounds like a spoilt brat, your DH.
You've done so much for him, and now he resents it all? Spoilt.

Send him back to work. Sod his masters, send him now. Go part time if you can, if not, put DS into nursery full time (his wages will help to cover it). DS will not benefit from being around his father, if the treatment he receives from his father is as bad as you say.

Just goes to show that you can be too kind and helpful to some people, and rather than show any gratitude, they just piss on your chips and whinge. :(

Op, you could so easily afford a Nanny, or an aupair plus nursery. You would manage on your own with your son, you really would.

I feel desperately sorry for you but I don't think you will ever change your dh and it is wrong to leave your ds in the care of someone who resents him. It will damage his development. Please can you do something about the childcare issue before anything else?

"Intelligent, but in his teens and early twenties lacked application, dropped out of uni, a series of jobs but zero "career", no hope of progression"

He's basically lazy, self-centred and has no sense of responsibility. He's hitched his wagon to you because you seem like a 'good thing' and it hasn't changed his fundamental personality. I think he's switching off and wouldn't be surprised if he's already working out how much money he'll get from you as a settlement.

I think you'd manage fine solo.

I agree with perfect storm that you'll need o think about the financial implications of a split very carefully. Sadly it sounds as though he wouldn't hold back on taking you to the cleaners.......

you need someway of recording his regret at having ds. i think it's much less likely he would be granted primary carer status if you had proof of this attitude.

There's a lot of 'I earn', 'my money' in your OP, op. if the sexes were reversed you would have a flurry of posts telling you that it's the household money not yours alone. Maybe your dh feels like hired help rather than an equal member of the house?

I can empathise with the loss of self and the boredom of staying at home (although I wouldn't often swear at the kids or ignore them for long periods).

I think there are probably issues on both sides here, and you could try counselling to work through them. I also think your dh sounds depressed.

Sorry but I want to stress this even more.

Imagine this scenario. A high earning Dad works 4 days a week, long hours, then has one day at home plus weekends. He reduced the hours when the child arrived because he has CFS and found the broken sleep stressful, though he himself was not getting up. He works a lot when at home, though he has to spend his Friday day off in bed so as recuperate, and as he needs his health managed Mum does all the housework and most of the childcare. She has the son in nursery 2 days a week so she gets to study hard for a postgrad degree, to benefit the family. Mum is a devoted carer and though she has good earning potential in the future, wants to stay at home until DS is at secondary school as she feels strongly that an acrimonious split has harmed him emotionally and the Dad's salary can provide for this to some reasonable degree. The marital home is in the father's name but obviously the child should remain in it, so maybe a Mesher order, where the house is sold when the child is 18 and the proceeds split, might be an idea and Mum and DS remain in it until that point in time. Obviously being a good Mum she is keen for Dad to see plenty of DS, so every other weekend (Friday am to Sunday eve) plus Wednesday overnights every week are proposed for contact. Maintenance for childcare and then child support will be needed, as it will take time for Mum's career to really get going and she will be constrained by childcare for some years to come.

How is a judge to know the reality of this, which would be how any decent solicitor representing your H would present it? Courts are, rightly, gender-blind. And when two people give totally opposed versions of events, all a judge can do is go on facts. Facts that currently mean your DH is primary carer, on paper.

Please, please find out what you need to do to protect your child. In a system where the money follows the child caring for him may suddenly become a lot more appealing to your H, if otherwise his meal ticket (that would be you) is walking away.

Why don't you get a male nanny? I am sure your DH could manage a part-time job as well as his masters.

I would certainly prefer that my child was not cared for by someone like this and if it's not suiting your DH anyway, could this be time to change the original plan?

Perhaps his male ego is being affected by you paying for and managing everything, and perhaps he needs to work and do his bit, and is not suited to childcare.

You can't continue to let your little boy be in the company of someone who'd rather not be with him. It is not fair on your DS.

Perhaps you could talk to him about how he envisages an improvement in the quality of your lives? What would he suggest? What would be his ideal scenario? It just sounds to me like the plan you worked out is not working, so you need to think of another one that will.

Perhaps, if he ends up working and doing his masters, and hardly having any time to spend with his DS, he will crave this time more?

Perhaps this would be better for your DS.

My h was a bit like this. Well not anywhere near as bad, never resented DS but resented being a reluctant sahd and basically gave him shit substandard care while doing zero housework. It came to a head one day and I kicked him out for a week, sorted DS in full time nursery and took the financial hit. H's income barely covered fees (why he was sahing in the first place) but DS was happier and I went to work knowing DS was properly cared for. My h is a selfish individual too. We are now separating due to unrelated matters but his selfishness has certainly been a feature. It's hard to respect someone who can't put their child's needs over their own.

I agree with Rational Brain It sounds like your husband feels emasculated by your high earning career and being dependent on you for everything, and he just gets the drudge jobs to do. I also think he sounds depressed and has low self esteem.

Is it possible for your son to go to nursery and your husband to get a job?

I missed the part where he'd been working fulltime, however un-careerlike the job was, while getting a 1st with the OU - I just read back to see if he'd worked, because the impression I had was that he flitted and then went off to be a student on your wage packet. OU while working is anything but. That's impressive. So I agree that if he hates being a SAHP the answer is for him to cease being one, really.

He shouldn't be caring for a child he resents. Whatever the outcome.

I think I'd also recommend putting DS into nursery, or getting a nanny and making it clear that I expected DH to take a full part in family life thereafter, and once he has got his Masters, he gets a job, ANY job, asap. And see how it goes. At the moment, you're unhappy, he's unhappy - something needs to change.

This will also mean, as everyone else has said, that if you do decide you want to split he won't be able to claim to be the primary carer.

I don't agree about the telling him he has to stop his masters though - you agreed that he would do it, and he will be presumably more employable with it and is half way through.

I think he's a miserable, lazy, entitled twat to be honest and I wouldn't leave him with my child if he treats him like that.

My sincere sympathies. I do not have any good advice but am keen to see the responses as much of your scenario rings true to my own. The industry you're in is the same as me, your generosity towards him is deeper than mine (and I thought I was very giving); his repayment of this with total resentment and regret is identical. You are further down the line, my DD is 5mo and I am still on maternity leave so I do 100% childcare (he won't even pick DD up unless I ask), all housework, pay all bills, all cooking, everything while he lusts after the next sports car purchase or disappears off as he's very tired after a day at work. "I wish I was with someone fun and energetic who enjoyed being a Dad" are words I have said to myself many times recently. Our weekends too are a nightmare of non-conversation and arguments. So, no great advice I'm afraid but you're not totally alone, as much as that helps! :-(

He seems like an extra child. I think that you would manage much better on your own. I don't think that he would, you are cushioning him against the real world.

Get a nanny or use full time nursery and tell Dh to get a job, reasses after 4-6 months where your family life is.

Some blokes are not very good at childcare. I am one myself. I have to do it, and sometimes I hate it, but I try my best. Expecting anyone to enjoy all of their time with a toddler is unreasonable. If he's not a "natural parent" then he may well be prettuy miserable about his situation. You get the rewarding, stiumulating career, total financial independance, time out of the house. He gave up all that when you had PND etc, and instead gets toddler stuff, a masters course, and a bollocking if he wants some time off at the weekend. Are the two nursery daYS realy his own or ius that for his course?

It's a bit worrying that you had PND/whatever and you want a nanny for your next one - if you can't handle/dont enojy babys and he doesn't really want one, is it a good idea to have another one?

I never actually posted on here before but theres a lot of anti man sentiment on this thread and I thought I might try and balance it. Does the baby like him? If hes doing a really bad job then the toddler won't want to be around him which will ned up making it worse and worser :(

Umm DespoticDad, you think someone who's suffered from PND can't handle or doesn't enjoy babies?