My DH hates family life and I don't know what to do.

[confusedgirlfromtheShire]

Regular poster, namechanged.

Trying to keep a long story short, apologies in advance if any of this sounds perfunctory/cold. Am just trying to keep number of words down.

DH and I are both early thirties and have one DS who is nearly two. Been married 5 years. Together for 9, known each other for 14 years.

Me: high profile work in financial services on high wage, currently working four days a week. Like the job most of the time but very high pressure. Hours not too bad cos I work like a dog when I'm there so get a lot done and don't bring work home. So Mon to Thurs I am out of the house at 6.20am, 1.5 hour commute each way, home around 5.20pm. Have had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome since 2009 which lays me out whenever I have a bad virus, but I'm managing it with diet and lots of rest. House has always been in my name, now mortgage free.

DH: By agreement, does not work. Intelligent, but in his teens and early twenties lacked application, dropped out of uni, a series of jobs but zero "career", no hope of progression. I sorted him out, put him through OU while he was working, where he got a first class degree. We had DS in his final year, then I got PTSD and PND and we agreed because I earned three times what he did and he hated his job anyway he would quit, take on the babycare and we would put our DS in nursery a couple of days a week so my DH could do a masters over two years. He has just completed the first year and done very well. One year to go.

Issues: He really really hates what I term "family life". He doesn't like looking after our toddler, just puts up with it, goes through the motions but there is no real enjoyment there. DH says he feels he has no freedom and no time to himself and that he feels I never want to be on my own with DS. My argument is that I am paying £500 a month to give him Tuesdays and Thursdays to do what he wants as our DS is in nursery a day (DS loves it and is very happy there). Plus, I do Fridays and we are always out and about so he gets most of the day to himself then too. It's 50-50 in the evenings until DS goes to bed then as I go to bed early (9.30pm to recharge for the next day) if DH wants to do his own thing (pottering in the garage or painting his models) I don't mind that either. But apart from specific jobs for an hour or two on Sat and Sunday I expect that to be time where we spend it together as a family, just hanging out, going places etc. DH is pushing back on this, seems really miserable, complains that our DS is such a tie and that it's not me he resents, it's DS and he wants time to do his own thing, and as I don't really have any hobbies, it doesn't make sense for us to just be sitting around the house together as it's a waste of time. He has very few of his own friends. I can't convey how disappointed I am in him and his attitude to our family. I do half the childcare, which is mostly lovely or fine, occasionally difficult, at least half the housework, earn all the money, make all the plans for the future - all my money is OUR money saved for the big things like a better house, DS's education, holidays. DH says he can't wait to be properly working (a year away) ? but he has implicitly indicated that he wants to work his way through his dream list of cars and pursue his own dreams and do his own thing more - money is the only thing that?s stopping him now.

When DS acts up, he swears at him and it is horrible to listen to. Sometimes he sits with him in the playroom but doesn't talk or interact, just stares into space. 70% of the time though he's either good or great.
I made him go to the doctor for depression and he did, but he thinks that his reaction is entirely rational and therefore can't be a mental health issue, so he hasn?t taken it any further. I am angry with him and love him a little less each day. Conversation and general chit chat is poor, we do talk about our issues but never seem to get anywhere. But I am terrified of how I would manage on my own, because of logistics of looking after our son, for one. Weekends are bad because we don't know what to do with ourselves - we fill the time but DH isn't having any fun and that in turn puts me right on edge. Work is a relief in one way, but very stressful sometimes as I said in the beginning.

I cannot believe that this is my life now. I wish I was with someone fun and energetic who liked being a dad. DH says it was a mistake in hindsight to have DS. I don't think that (although I did when I was really ill), and would consider a second, if we got a nanny to help me get over the baby stage, which I hated. I get better with kids the older they are.

Any advice please? Do I stay or go? Any insight into what is going on in DH?s head and whether he is likely to change?

Sorry despite best efforts this has been so long.

If op is such a controlling partner who doesn't want her dh to do well and not 'need' her anymore:

Why does she pay for nursery so her dh can study?
Why does she work four days a week and then look after Ds on the day she doesn't?
Why does she do the majority around the house and the childcare when she isn't at work?
Why did she pay for her dh to do an ou degree and is now paying for him to do a masters?

Personally I think the discrepancy is that she thinks he will do these quals and then go out and look for suitable work whereas he thinks he can do these quals to get out of looking for suitable work and then once he's done he can spend more time and effort looking for his dream job. I wouldn't be surprised if he fancies an unfunded phd after the masters tbh.

The only way I can see the situation improving for the ops family is for the dh to go back and be treated for the depression , everything posted about him screams " depression " IMO .

( I remember screaming at my dh that I was going back to work to " get the fuck away from the dc ,because I couldn't be a non-person anymore" ,I was very ill and denied it was happening and blamed the dc , even though I adored them and was a "stepford -mummy" to the point of making 3 different meals each meal ,and hand blending homemade baby food ,and spending every waking moment doing stuff for them/with them .)

Where has the op said her dh isn't intent on returning to work when he's finished his masters ?

Droves- I think you are imagining a point of view for me which I don't have!

Look- I think relationships are complex, not black and white and not one partner being 'right' and the other 'wrong'

Take the gender reversed example : high flying husband and wife at home. Do they enter into this partnership feeling unhappy? Of course not! Each partner is getting something out of it they want. Often for the man it's the kudos, the alpha male feeling of success, and of course having someone at home takes the pressure off him in that area. Often for the woman, she wants to have time at home, and having her dh working takes the pressure off her in that area

Everything is hunky dory until usually a few years down the line it isn't quite so rosy... Maybe he gets fed up with the pressure of being sole provider, while she realises SAHP isn't all it's cracked up to be and feels bored and invisible.

I think this is what has happened. A set up which suited both of them for various reasons, no longer suits EITHER of them! She's not happy; he's not happy.

The part where i lose sympathy , as i said in my first post, is that whereas she is questioning what to do to change the status quo, he seems to be burying his head in the sand, not being content but not willing to change things, turning his nose up at job opportunities etc

I am not in the business of apportioning 'blame' in relationships. They are far too complex for that.

I mean, I can only go by what the op writes but she isn't saying 'oh dh is working really hard on his msc so he can get a job as an x and then he wants to take us all to Disneyland/ buy us a bigger house with a garden/ put Ds through eton'. It's all about him and what he wants and his dream - it's not a dream about them. He's not really being present and loving with his son which is free and should be easy to contribute if we are looking at it from a sahp perspective.

Whats with all the SAHP parent malarkey? He has the child for only 2 days a week, he is NOT a SAHP by any description, anymore than my full time working husband who has 2 days a week at home with his children is.

Op pays for nursery so both herself and dh can do what they wanted ..she works he studies , they agreed to this .

She works 4 days because it's her hours of work . She looks after ds on her day off because she wants too .

She does majority of housework because she wants to /doesn't want to live in a tip, and childcare because it's what most people do on their days off ( it's normal life)

She payed for her dh's degree and now his master because she wanted too .

The other thing id add is that we all have to live within the reality of the world as it is now.

I recently advertised and appointed a post in my company, an admin post with a well below average salary, and had almost 100 applications, the majority from graduates, with quite a few masters and PhDs among them. These weren't all recent graduates btw, the ages ranged from young 20s to over 50s.

So no, i don't for a moment think there's any guarantee a masters will mean he will walk into a wonderful job- especially as he seems very picky.

I think it speaks volumes that he does two days of SAHPing, he gets to study/chill out/whatever, and yet on the two days he's being a SAHP he actually swears at a toddler. And obviously when OP is home as well. He ignores the child when he's taking care of him...Not good signs. Poor little boy :(

he doesn't sound depressed to me, he sounds like a brat. Normally I'd find these signs of depression but with the background OP has given it sounds like he is a very lazy person and perhaps thought being a SAHP would be easy.

I'd be saying the same thing if he was a woman. That's a lot of leeway for what he previously agreed to, to pursue his career dreams and relax as well.

OP, I think your attitude to your child is quite cold as well. This poor kid deserves better, maybe you both should take parenting courses?

droves because I get the impression he is being unrealistic about his career and as he won't walk into a high flying banking job as I think is being implied I think he will think of something else he could do that costs money but has worth and status such as an unfunded phd.

If he was that clever he would have stuck out uni the first time round or changed course. If he had drive he would have found something he could do as a career without a degree. If he had ambition he wouldn't have wasted the whole of pre family life pottering in dead end jobs.

Personally, I don't mind if that's what someone wants to do but I think it's a bit rich to get your partner to bankroll your expensive tertiary level education as an alternative to pottering and working on a checkout. And then moaning in a foul manner about having to look after your own child half heartedly two days a week.

Degrees /masters/PhDs of course won't guarantee a fabulous dream job .

But they do give an advantage over someone who has no qualifications .

It's about giving yourself the best chance.

Sorry I read the op as someone who was frustrated that her dh is in denial about his depression , everything else is a symptom of that .

He may or may not be depressed- none of us know, we're not his doctor.

Quite apart from depression there are other issues which need addressing anyway. No child should be sworn at whether their carer is depressed or not. (being depressed does not mean you have to swear at a child, and conversely not being depressed does not prevent some parents from abusing their child like this)

And the study/ work thing is to a large extent down to economics. All the paper qualifications in the world won't help if he turns his nose up at practical first hand experience in the world of work.

Just a thought.

If he believes he's 'too good' for most top jobs, any chance this is resentment that he is 'too good' to be a SAHP? (I use the term loosely...Two days a week with extremely minimal housework all week does not a SAHP make, as a previous poster mentioned.)

I agree we're not his doctor and we can't diagnose, was just stating my opinion. :)

The double standards on here makes me laugh!
If your DH posted on here as a woman he would get lots of support and sympathy, someone would suggest PND and he would be advised to go to the GP and get the DH to help out more .... As he is a man though he is a selfish prick and a cocklodger!!!
It isn't fun or rewarding for everyone being a SAHP. It is dull, repetative drudgery most of the time and doesn't suit everyone. I found it soul destroying and hard and the expectation that it is all going to be fun and soft play and toddler groups just makes it more disappointing when you discover it is more shitty nappies and whining in reality.
Maybe he feels belittled and emasculated by the OP and her high flying job and has depression. Maybe he is struggling with the demands of a toddler and a degree is taking its toll on him which is making him short tempered with your DS.
I can't believe people are advising the OP to get legal advice to avoid DH being left with the house and DS as the primary carer when if it were the other way round they would be advising the OP to get legal advice make sure she keeps the house and the DS and makes him move out.
So hypocritical!!!

If the dh is depressed, then unfortunately there's nothing op can do if he refuses to seek help or treatment. the situation will stay as it is, improve or deteriorate based on his brain chemistry and thought patterns that are not being treated. I don't see how or why someone should have a family situation like that and be expected to live with it or put up with it because he might be depressed. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's no comfort to Ds if he has a poor childhood because his dad was depressed and wouldn't go to the doctor or see a therapist to help himself.

However, I don't see him as depressed, I see him as selfish and self centered. He didn't want to work so he quit his job to look after Ds. But he doesn't want to do that either, he wants to potter and spend his partners wage on his education and hobbies.

kaluki he does two days a week. He's hardly 24 hour sole carer.

It's not a gender thing, I don't understand why people insist it must be? I would be saying the same to a man complaining About his dw if the circumstances were exactly the same.

Have your child in full time nursery. Your husband is a full time masters student. Let him be one!

You dont have to cut back your hours to make this happen. You just increase his days in nursery to 4 full days. Let your dh off the hook, let him focus on his masters and building his career/ job prospects.

If you still despair a year or two down the line, then rethink. But at least he wont be considered primary carer. And you both might be earning a salary.

I'm going to hide this thread .

The ops dh has actually spoken about Working properly in about a year .

No one actually knows if he's going to turn his nose up at the first practicle work experience ( job) he finds after he's finished his masters .

Yes he shouted and swore at the dc , but honestly ,no one has ever made any mistakes with their children before ? , especially when tired or frustrated ? .

Op has stated 70% of the time he's good or great with the ds . Even the op fears her dh is depressed .

To me the DH sounds like one of life's eternal students. To secure a good job at a more mature age you need a combination of experience and qualifications. I think he will go on in life like this forever, trying, failing, blaming, changing. I couldn't live with that personally. He could easily work around his studies and pay a childminder. Why would it have to be manual labour. Why couldn't he do admin temping to give himself some office experience. Does he think your company are going to let him waltz in without any? His sense of entitlement is ridiculous.

My husband is now a SAHD and he would love 3 days to study, and enjoy pursuits. He does his study to keep abreast of IT qualifications in the evenings and spare time around very short school hours (kids go for 4 hours a day here). He has one full day where I pay for an after school club and on that day he cleans the house from top to bottom.

I don't expect to do any housework in the week. My hours are too long. When the boot was on the other foot and my husband was in the military - I did it all, and kept working 4 days a week.

On his two days, a soft play place, a trip to the park or a visit to MIL's means he is hardly doing anything.

I think you are doing more than enough op. Get a nanny and give him the ultimatum.

Droves I'm sorry you think this has struck a cord with you that's unhelpful.

I really do think though that 30% of time being spent as a crap dad isn't good enough. That's not the odd snap at the end of your tether is it? It's about three hours a day.

I've been depressed so I have understanding. I think on paper though this guy has an amazing life! I don't know that the op could do more to support him if it is depression.

Are you a fabulous mother handstand? Do you do the very best you can do every second of every day, giving your tiny tots nothing but the very best positive attention?

I find it hard to understand why swearing at a small child is apparently acceptable to some people. I've been a SAHM and I've been angry and frustrated at times, but you know, I've never shouted invective at my toddler.

I've swore at one of mine , when he was a toddler . He was trying to stick his fingers in a socket after he very quickly removed the plug that was in it .

Damn right I swore ...he froze , I got to him before he electrocuted himself . I also shouted and swore when he repeatedly ran onto roads .

But I swore so I'm a bad bad mother .

Eh no , I'm human .

( he's 12 now , and very sociable and doesn't swear himself , he doesn't like it , wonder why ? )

I think people are responding to the op and not judging you droves. Let's not any of us try to make this into a thread about ourselves.

The op has said her dh swears at his son, not as an involuntary reaction to the son doing something dangerous, but simply because he 'acts up'. Well, helloooo, that's what toddlers do. Looking after a toddler is hard work. The dh should think himself lucky he only does it 2 days a week. And yes, he's studying for a masters but he has uninterrupted time to get on with that. Many people combine studying for a higher degree with work- and often come home to children needing feeding and looking after at the end of the day- now THAT'S hard!

The op says her dh is angry (with who? The world??) because parenting isn't all it's cracked up to be. He also has a history of dropping out of uni and a job he didn't like. I suspect that even if he strikes lucky and ends up with a good job in a year or two, before long some element of it won't appeal to him ( because lets face it, every job has its ups and downs). What then? Does he blame the world for 'lying to him' that a career is always amazing and fun??

Being an adult is accepting the rough with the smooth. This isn't about blame. The op was happy for him to stop working and be at home because it met her needs in some ways. He was happy to do so because it met his (he hated his job). A couple of years down the line it's not suiting EITHER one so they need to communicate and re negotiate. Which may mean au pair, nanny, him getting a job, her cutting down her hours. We can't answer the detail of how they should operate. But at the moment he's being very unreasonable by refusing to address the problem- wont go to the doctor, doesn't want the jobs available, doesn't like being at home with son...... Life isn't all a bed of roses. Really, looking at it on balance he doesn't have it THAT bad, she works 4 days a week, he is at home with the kid in nursery 2 days... Christ, many families have to juggle 2 jobs and several children between them.