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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is this the behaviour of someone that likes women.

246 replies

itsodd · 05/08/2012 10:47

I posted a few days ago after discovering the man I'm seeing had only had sex 5 Times ( at the age of 28) before we met. I am very surprised by this as he seems very confident in the bedroom and we quickly progressed, within a few weeks to dressing up, bondage, anal, sex toys etc. Not to be too graphic, but just to set it all in the correct context.
Ive said to him before how the first night we had sex, he played some high risk moves, that had strong potential to backfire ie: slapping my boobs, little bit of whipping with his belt, pinning me down hard. These things are fine with me, I like them, but he Didnt know that, we hadn't discussed sex at all, so it was a strange thing for him to do.
When he confessed to the only recently having been a virgin i.told him that made what he did the first night even more crazy, in fact it makes it almost incomprehensible. He told me he had been thinking about that and what had happened was a girl at his work had come onto him strongly earlier on in the day, he was cross about her wanting casual sex from him and he took it out on me In a ' take that women kind' kind of a way.
I told him that was terrible.

It's been bugging me since, It's not the kind of thing you say, and now I know our first sex wasn't about us but about some other woman!!!

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 05/08/2012 10:50

No. Run like the fucking wind.

Olympia2012 · 05/08/2012 10:50

Big red flag I'm afraid!

WitchOfEndor · 05/08/2012 10:54

Punishing you for other women's transgressions? Flee for your life.

And that's only the tip of the iceberg of red flags that are waving around this!

Houseofplain · 05/08/2012 10:56

What next op a punch in the face? Why on earth, unless you've been reading too many fifty shades of shite.

Would you be with someone who brings that into the bedroom from the off? With no concern for you, your thoughts and off you are into that. He sounds dangerous.

poorfoxyloxy · 05/08/2012 11:07

Dangerous, especially the bit where he explained "what had happened was a girl at his work had come onto him strongly earlier on in the day, he was cross about her wanting casual sex from him and he took it out on me In a ' take that women kind' kind of a way"

that kind of blatant admission of how he treated you with regards to what someone else had done, well, what happens when someone really pisses him off??

Please, run, run like the wind, and don't look back. Please, there are enough nice guys out there!!!!!!! I suffered an abusive relationship and only wish I'd noticed the signs earlier and had had the confidence to leave before I did.

Original poster

itsodd · 05/08/2012 11:08

I thought it odd he said he had only had sex a few times before we met, everyone on my other thread told me I was Shallow, but it just doesn't make sense.

He watches a large amount of porn
Wanks several times a day.
Is obsessed with anal and arseholes ( he even brought a butt plug for himself to use when with me, only 6 weeks into our relationship)
He comments quite a lot about women needing Fucking or deserving Fucking.
And, in case this makes me sound judgemental, I'm sorry, but hes obsessed with arses, and his arse too, I've mentioned the butt plug, then he went to London with a married ( to a woman) friend, and they chose, out of everywhere to eat, to eat in a gay bar, and he told me he flirted with the waiter over how many sausages he could handle. Then we were in London last weekend. We both went to the loos, he came out and commented that two men had been talking about sex in there and he nearly stayed Because where there is arses he is there, I don't know if this is a joke or not!!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 05/08/2012 11:09

As others have said; Run now, and run fast.

puds11 · 05/08/2012 11:11

Seriously, run and dont look back. He has pretty much just told you he is a woman hater, and that he thinks its ok to take it out on you.

Did you discuss your sexual preference with him before you slept together?

Houseofplain · 05/08/2012 11:11

He watches lots of porn no shit. You need to stop obsessing over how many women he's shagged before you.

Then take a long hard look at yourself and work out why the fuck you are with such a freak. Honestly read your posts back to yourself, if this is real. Why the fuck would anyone with half an ounce of self respect be with such a twat?

He's telling you who he is, so listen.

poorfoxyloxy · 05/08/2012 11:14

Well, he's probably bi-sexual, and has had his sexual views clouded by watching porn, where all women are whores and love anal...

If you stay I am sure you will discover there will be no end (pun intended) to his sexual innuendo, and no end to his attitude with regards to women...

It's bugging you now, and it's only been six weeks? YOu should still be honeymooning it with rose coloured specs darling...

Run... run... run...!!!

Leverette · 05/08/2012 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ErikNorseman · 05/08/2012 11:18

I cannot believe you allowed someone to slap and hit you during sex with no prior discussion, and without knowing him very well beforehand. Why didn't you stop it? How could you feel safe? Fucked up.

And yes, he's a nasty misogynist perv and if you stay with him you are in for a world of shit.

Original poster

itsodd · 05/08/2012 11:18

We didn't discuss sexual tastes, no. At the time I asked him how he knew and he told me all women were filthy bitches.

I don't know if the being a virgin thing is a lie, or what's going on really.
But I can't believe what he said about that girl and taking it out on me. It's just shocking.

Hes very kind and thoughful towards me. If very tight with money. But it doesn't seem to gel with the rest of his personality, if that makes any sense, the normal him and the sexual him almost seem like two different people.

Also, all the arse stuff, men don't tend to make.comments like that, do they? Do we think he might be confused about his sexuality?

OP posts:

Theala · 05/08/2012 11:19

Run away very fast. Please.

ErikNorseman · 05/08/2012 11:21

It doesn't matter if he is confused about his sexuality
He's not a nice person

mcmooncup · 05/08/2012 11:22

ewww he sounds hideous.

Obssessed with arses? Anal in the first session. He obviously just sees you as a hole to satisfy his whims.

All this "I don't do casual" stuff screams to me that is EXACTLY what he wants and is having serious turmoil with himself about it for some reason. The mere fact he was so weirdly 'hardcore' early on, is I agree with you, totally weird. There are 'normal' standards in our culture and slapping your boobs is not one you would do without first checking you liked that. Porn may well have shifted his boundaries and normalised what is actually 'out of the norm' activity, but whatever the reason.........no fucking need at all for this to be in your life and it's obviously making you uncomfortable.

You sound like you have your very own alarm bells ringing, listen to them. Pop him in the bin marked 'fucked up men' and move on.

Original poster

itsodd · 05/08/2012 11:23

I'm not obsessing over how many women he's slept with, he told me. Until then I hadn't thought anything of it.

But It's not right, is it. No matter how nice he is the rest of the time, It's still not great.
Ive been with him 5 months.

OP posts:

DizzyKipper · 05/08/2012 11:23

I don't think it matters whether he's confused about his sexuality or not, I think you should run.

mcmooncup · 05/08/2012 11:23

"he told me all women were filthy bitches"

You do know you are one of those don't you?

He has told you right there what he thinks of you. Hence his sexual behaviour. The rest is just complying to societal norms to not draw too much attention to his TOTAL FUCKEDUPNESS

Leverette · 05/08/2012 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CuttedUpPear · 05/08/2012 11:26

Run away. That's everyone's advice here and I think you should listen.

BigBandwitch · 05/08/2012 11:27

omg, he's "learnt" everything he knows from PORN and now he's playing it out ON you, as opposed to having sex WITH you.

your first thread, I thought aw, sweet. now he sounds like a saddo with no clue. he thinks sex is gizzing in women's faces and slapping them is normal behaviour.

RindersGoesForGold · 05/08/2012 11:28

This man has told you, very clearly, who he is and what he thinks of women (you will be included in this btw). I am amazed you are still there, 5 months later. Why have you stayed with him do you think?

teaandthorazine · 05/08/2012 11:29

Hang on, hang on - forget the arse obesession, the buttplugs, the porn, the wanking, even the 'high-risk moves'. The only thing that really matters here is this:

'he was cross with her... he took it out on me in a 'take that womenkind' kind of way'

If you continue seeing this man you're an idiot, because he's seriously fucked-up and potentially dangerous.

CuttedUpPear · 05/08/2012 11:29

What BigBangwitch says hits the nail on the head. He has learnt about sex from porn and is trying it out on you..
Please don't stay with a misogynist. It's not for you to fix. Leave, and tell him why on your way out.

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