is this the behaviour of someone that likes women.

[itsodd]

I posted a few days ago after discovering the man I'm seeing had only had sex 5 Times ( at the age of 28) before we met. I am very surprised by this as he seems very confident in the bedroom and we quickly progressed, within a few weeks to dressing up, bondage, anal, sex toys etc. Not to be too graphic, but just to set it all in the correct context.
Ive said to him before how the first night we had sex, he played some high risk moves, that had strong potential to backfire ie: slapping my boobs, little bit of whipping with his belt, pinning me down hard. These things are fine with me, I like them, but he Didnt know that, we hadn't discussed sex at all, so it was a strange thing for him to do.
When he confessed to the only recently having been a virgin i.told him that made what he did the first night even more crazy, in fact it makes it almost incomprehensible. He told me he had been thinking about that and what had happened was a girl at his work had come onto him strongly earlier on in the day, he was cross about her wanting casual sex from him and he took it out on me In a ' take that women kind' kind of a way.
I told him that was terrible.

It's been bugging me since, It's not the kind of thing you say, and now I know our first sex wasn't about us but about some other woman!!!

Do you think I would have started the thread if I thought all was ok?
No

I only found out this info recently. I Didnt have the whole picture. While the porn on it's own. Ir the wanking on its own isnt cause for concern, with the new Info and putting it all.together it is awful.

I wanted to check I.wasn't jumping the gun.

I only found out this info recently.

No you didn't. You had enough information the first time you had sex.

You're not. Just reading about it has made my skin crawl.

Look, we all know the stats about women who are abused by their partners - sometimes it takes a really long time for the penny to properly drop. What's crystal clear to those of us reading this thread is sometimes muddled by other things for the OP.

However, the penny has now dropped for the OP (have you texted him yet?!) and I think some posters here should lay off at this point.

But you do need to dump him today, OP. A text takes a few seconds. Do it now, seriously.

No charbon I didnt.
Because it was balanced with what I knew of him already and then I reacted positively.

What charbon said. You've had warning signs for 5 months. The reasoneople are concerned for you....is it shouldn't have taken you this long. If you are as savvy as you say you are against abuse men.

The fact you like kinky sex is either here nor there. I wouldn't say I was vanilla. The point is. He slapped you, whipped you with a belt. Without your consent, not knowing if this was ok. That right there was the biggest clue you've had to date. Right at the start.

There have been several times where, he's gone to far, forgetting you are actually a real human, again wtf?

The most telling thing in your post...about where your head is....is this....

There was also lots of cuddling, kissing, caressing and the whole thing went on for hours. So the odd slap really wasn't a deal at all. It would have been different if it was an onslaught of slaps and aggression, but it wasn't.

Hes on holiday at the momment. I shall as soon as he's back.

Well, I'm glad you have put it all together and I look forward to hearing that you have dumped him.

I think when you look back on it, you may see the first sex session a bit differently and hopefully this will equip you for any future relationships.

I completely second Charbon.

I'd dump a guy for any one of the behaviours that you have mentioned. Them all together is appalling.

I personally would not like to be whipped with a belt by a man I don't really know and have never slept with before. He's lucky you thought it was exciting and didn't go to the police! Its quite frankly terrifying to think there are men out there that would do that to a woman without her consent and they are being validated by other women who think its a bit of kink!

Op I'm sure if you're into that kind of thing you can find a bloke who wants to do it who is not an abusive arsehole. Please dump him and don't look back!

Can he not receive texts on holiday?

Honestly OP, I don't want to add to your sense of irritation but why delay? You've made your decision, after all. Even better if he's not in the locality atm, I'd say!

One last try.

If you keep telling yourself that no-one else would have put all the pieces together earlier and realised that she was in a relationship with a sexually violent man who detests women, then this will happen again with another man. Abusers have an uncanny antennae for likely targets and unless you process this, you might as well have a beacon flashing on your head that welcomes them into your life.

The more you put this down to bad luck rather than a lack of judgement and foresight on your part, the more vulnerable you will be.

Even after all you know, you still wondered this morning whether you might be 'jumping the gun' in wanting to end things. Doesn't that tell you something about your judgement?

Sorry you're getting such a hard time OP, I'm sure the posters who are commenting on your boundaries are only doing so out of concern.

I remember your first thread (but didn't post) and did think there was something incongruous about his 'confidence' compared to his experince, I'm glad you've made sense of it all. Let us know how you get on with the dumping. He could turn nasty, if so please remember we're all here for you.

I understand how you've found yourself in this situation OP and also think the posters having a go at you should lay off.

If you're finding your feet with dating again I think it's really positive that you are questioning what's 'normal' and that alarm bells are ringing with this guy.

Fwiw I think the 'virgin' story is bollocks, particularly in light of recent events. Now you are starting to see the real him, he is showing you exactly what you can expect more of with him, to test your boundaries.

Wrt the sex, the kinky stuff would be fine, IF he was otherwise respectful of women. The fact that he didn't discuss it with you beforehand or get your permission is a MASSIVE red flag, and while it was arousing to you, it is an indication that you need to retune your radar even higher. It's fine to behave like that with permission and prior consent in the context of a loving relationship. There's nothing wrong with bring kinky in itself, it's the way that this has happened that is cause for concern. He had no idea whether you would respond positively and from the sounds of it didn't particularly care. He did it to take out his anger on you. At women. That is the biggest red flag of all, he is DANGEROUS op.

The shy inexperienced stuff was an act. I really, really hope you listen to that inner voice and send that text and NEVER contact him again.

Please send the text! And run as far as you can in the other direction.

Send the text and dump him now.

Like tea says, even better if he's not around when you do.

Has he gone to Thailand for his hols by any chance?

Or Germany?!

Would it not be a good idea to text him whilst he is on his holiday? Safer for you as he can't decide to come knocking on your door in order to 'change your mind'. He seems to have so little respect for women in general I am sure he will be outraged that you have taken to decision to finish with him, so may not take it lying down, so to speak.

I can't see any women blaming on this thread - charbon has articulated so well why you should be on your guard. It is absolutely not your fault that this bloke is a prick, but several people on this thread are saying that you should be on your guard. We are not women haters - we are people who are looking at this dispassionately and think you should be bloody careful, that's all.

Text: Hope you're having a good hol. Just needed to let you know this thing between us has now run its course.

His confidence vs experience still doesn't make any sense to me. But it doesn't have to.

Charbon, I can see what you are saying, I really can.
It is possible my sexual boundaries aren't where others are and it wasn't a big deal so much as unexpected. It is possible Because of this and tempered with having known him a while and how he seemed ive overlooked it. But I defend my position of it being bad judgement on my behalf.

Hes on holiday with his family. I wouldnt personally feel good texting him right now, but will tomorrow evening when he's back.

Since the finding out he was taking anger out on me ive not seen him and it's not so much of a red flag as a huge bomb. There is no way I could see him/ be with him after that.
But I didnt know this was the case before.

I hope you are having very safe sex with this person. He doesnt sound too choosy.

Text sent.

I feel quite sad because until the point of knowing this stuff I had liked him and liked spending time with him and had hoped to introduce him to my children soon. But I know It's inexcusable.

Well done

It is always sad when someone you think you like shows their true colours. But this was a disaster waiting to happen. Staying with this man could've had potentially very serious consequences for you. You have absolutely done the right thing.

itsodd, I think you know this is a showstopper.

I just wanted to say that if Charbon and others were giving you a hard time, they had your interests at heart. But they were going about it the wrong way and escalated it to making you doubt yourself to the point even I did not want to hear their message. It read as if you were accused of being in cahoots with enabling his abusive behaviour. Which of course you did not. You are a victim in this.

The next time you will be wiser to red flags. Take care.