is this the behaviour of someone that likes women.

[itsodd]

I posted a few days ago after discovering the man I'm seeing had only had sex 5 Times ( at the age of 28) before we met. I am very surprised by this as he seems very confident in the bedroom and we quickly progressed, within a few weeks to dressing up, bondage, anal, sex toys etc. Not to be too graphic, but just to set it all in the correct context.
Ive said to him before how the first night we had sex, he played some high risk moves, that had strong potential to backfire ie: slapping my boobs, little bit of whipping with his belt, pinning me down hard. These things are fine with me, I like them, but he Didnt know that, we hadn't discussed sex at all, so it was a strange thing for him to do.
When he confessed to the only recently having been a virgin i.told him that made what he did the first night even more crazy, in fact it makes it almost incomprehensible. He told me he had been thinking about that and what had happened was a girl at his work had come onto him strongly earlier on in the day, he was cross about her wanting casual sex from him and he took it out on me In a ' take that women kind' kind of a way.
I told him that was terrible.

It's been bugging me since, It's not the kind of thing you say, and now I know our first sex wasn't about us but about some other woman!!!

Good work itsodd

You won't regret it. Onwards and upwards now!

I hope you don't think that I and others were having 'a go'. It's just about discussing what is there in front of us, things that we are often brainwashed into ignoring. That certainly is not your fault. These are complex situations and I understand entirely how this got to where it has got to.

But, text is sent. It's sad I agree, another man turned out to be a woman hating psycho, but there are nice ones out there apparently, so I'm sure there will be someone someday you can have a loving and trusting relationship with, even with a bit of consensual kink

But you can move on, head held high and chalk him down to experience.

And if you find yourself feeling sad, just remember that he saw you as a "filthy bitch" and someone who "deserved a fucking".

Awful. You are much, much better off without him.

I wouldnt even believe that he was telling the truth about having only one previous sexual partner either, only one relationship maybe. He sounds more like a man who has happily paid for sex, quite possibly with men and women.

i would not get into a conversation about it with him either......be careful you dont get dragged back into any kind of "relationship" if he wants to explain himself or asks you to explain what wasnt working.

steer clear. you have definitely done the right thing.

I certainly don't think that you were in cahoots with him, or enabling his behaviour.

It must be horrible to see that a man who you had thought was a lovely chap has turned out this way. Horrible and shocking.

I don't think anyone has been out of order actually, or harsh. They've been very, very concerned for op and still are.

Yes great, she's dumped him, which was really brave of you op well done fwiw. But that's not it is it? It's not over.

She's gone from one abusive man, to one who's quite frankly dangerous, and she's been quite lucky in my opinion to come out of it "ok". So until op actually looks at her boundaries. Really looks at the past FIVE months, recognised the red flags and why she allowed it. Then she isn't out of the woods yet, and will probably meet someone like it again. That is why people have been saying what they have. It's no go saying, "ahhh well she's dumped him, as well that ends well". It won't end well, as she'll meet another fuckwit, one that could be even worse, unless she learns good boundaries.

The whole what he said shouldn't have been the first red flag that made her take stock. He's been doing some serious stuff, right from the start which was wholly wrong.

Wow
Thanks for instiling such a huge amount of confidence in me
Talk about kicking me when down.

itssod take no notice of the hectoring, judemental posters. You 've done well to dump him. That's all there is to say.

OP good on you for getting rid.

Don't worry OP you are doing the right thing, posting on here sometimes takes on a life of its own way beyond any reasonable use to the OP.

At least you thought about it and asked others' opinions rather than enduring your situation.
Well done.

Good for you itsodd, you are stronger than you think! Don't let anything on this thread knock your confidence, no one here has an axe to grind and I think everyone has tried to help, even though it may not have come across that way at times.

I think this is one to learn from, not beat yourself up about. He wasn't a keeper, it's always sad to realise it, but it's a GOOD thing that you listened to that inner voice that made you post in the first place. I, for one am impressed by your decisiveness in dealing with this.

If you ever get that uneasy feeling about a guy STOP and listen, don't try to rationalise it or make excuses. Your instincts were on the ball with this, but you sound like a nice person who wanted to think the best of people.

You said before that you wanted to check that you weren't being too harsh. If harsh is taking NO crap and having very high standards then you need to be harsher. If you expect respect, consideration and expect nothing less, you will repel men like this and attract men who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

Have confidence in you, be kind to yourself and take some time out to heal.

Well done for taking the step to end it with a man who doesn't have a normal understanding of a sexual relationship.

I think what Charbon and others were trying to say, which I said I agreed to, was that although you didn't mind the kinkiness because you like that kind of thing yourself, don't you think it's important to have a talk whether something is ok or not in a relationship? What if you were not someone who liked that and he did it, it wouldn't be right then would it? If he had asked and you said yes that would be completely understandable.

I hope everything works out for you and you eventually find someone who is worth you getting intimate with and introducing to your kids. Again, I think what others were saying is to perhaps look into yourself and see why perhaps you are attracting the wrong 'uns. I don't mean that it's your fault, it certainly is not. I dated 2 guys who were abusive in different ways. I reported it to police and a policeman said to me something that I think rings true to a lot of abusive people, "They can almost smell someone who is vulnerable and who has gone through an abusive situation before and they latch onto those types. The confidence is knocked down on people who have been abused for the most part and this gives them a way in in their mind."

It really makes you think. So you don't have to change yourself, just perhaps show an air of confidence you might not necessarily feel is there.

Good luck OP! hugs

There's definitely something about public schools that can warp some men's sexuality and turn them into misogynists - I imagine it's when the school's unhealthy mindset is backed up by an equally unhealthy one at home.
Of course some public schoolboys are just interestingly kinky . Good luck OP, you've binned this one before any serious harm was done, and if you encounter another knob your twat radar will work even faster.

OP, two things.

One is that you seemed upset by HouseofPlain's perfectly sensible post and saw it as kicking you while you were down, when in fact she was trying to protect you.

Secondly, have you ever shared any rape fantasies with this guy? I know this is a very personal question. I am just VERY worried that if you have, he will try to act them out.

Thanks. He called and I did speak to him, he tried to explain saying he had been.very.angry and had used that anger as sexual energy. I told him that was worse. I told him I would be foolish to ignore things like that and It's an awful thing to say.

He told me I was his first proper girlfriend and he wasn't used to women, I asked if he even wanted to be in a relationship and he said um I'mnot sure. Which I told him was the answer Because if he didn't immediately say yes. Then that tells me all I need to know.
He then went quiet and I asked what he was thinking, only to be told he expected he would be single a long time again.now.
I told him that was awful and I can't believe he just basically said he was only with me so he wasn't on his own.

Wow.
:(

Imperial. No, course not.

Well there you go. He is using emotional blackmail and you aren't taking any of it, good for you.

Who cares if he is single for a long time, it's his own fault. He did these things, so what does he honestly expect?

No darling, no. You are not talking to a person who has the same out look on life as you. Never try to interpret what they say into a language you or I would understand. Don't. just don't. Leave it where it fell.
Go on, onwards and forwards,

Glad you had that conversation with him: it's told you everything you need to know.

itsodd, you have even more confirmation that this is a non-starter. Sorry you had to find out this way.

FWIW, I used to date a public schoolboy who boarded from a young age. He was the only boyfriend I had who had that strange madonna/whore complex and could not relate to me as a person. In sex, he almost had to objectify me. He could not comfort me in any way. A most emotionally stunted person, very perplexing. But at work (he was a colleague), he was very charming and garnered respect.

Anyway, i got the hell out of there. Strangest boyfriend I had.

The signs he is abusive are here now. Act on your past learnings and dump him. Move on asap.

Emotionally stunted is a good word and one that would cover him im sure.
Ive just had texts telling me hes never done this before and its all new to him and he doesn't know what hes doing and a relationship is a big jump for him, having only lost his virginity last year. Essentially its bollocks, he must have some kind of issues to have got to nearly 30 having never had a girlfriend.

I'm still sad, it was nice, for a while, to think that someone cared about me. Even if it wasn't true.
And before I get jumped on by people for being needy or something. I had been on my own and dating for 4.5 years put together. Which is a long time to go without those feelings.

The bit about not having a girlfriend might be true though. It's possible that women sense he's odd and steer clear, so he's never had the chance before to have a sexual relationship with one. Did any of your women friends meet him in all this time? If so, it might be worth asking their opinion of him now when it's 'safe' for them to give you a truthful opinion.

Some men with psychosexual issues have a rather strange definition of 'virginity' i.e. it doesn't count if it's with a man or if it's paid for. I think Squeaky might have been on to something when she observed that he sounds like a man who has paid for sex - and possibly not just with women.

I hope you're not going to get into a text conversation with him now, because he sounds like the sort of man who has no respect for boundaries at all and won't accept he's been dumped. You don't have to be nice, or fair, or kind. You just need to be definite and final.

I was posting out of concern for you earlier incidentally and was especially worried that the lack of consent hadn't troubled you 5 months ago. I was also feeling enormous frustration that you seemed to be missing that point and irked that you were interpreting people's advice as 'women-bashing'.

From my point of view, those posts were the opposite of that. I support anyone's right to have the sex that they enjoy as long as it's consensual and isn't hurting anyone else. But I do worry that a lot of women these days accept porn-fuelled sexual violence from a new partner and go along with it for fear of being called a prude or uptight. I remember a similar thread on here from a woman who had been punched and spat on by her new partner and wondering whether she should object.....I commented then that this fear that women have of articulating their inner voice was a relatively new tyranny on women's sexuality that is every bit as repressive as historical constraints on women's rights to enjoy the sex they want.

Now the positive of this situation might be that you have learnt more about what you enjoy from sex, but my advice is never to ignore your right to consent and to get rid of any man who doesn't seek it.

What is most concerning is that you seem to genuinely believe that your "twat radar" is finely tuned when it clearly is almost entirely absent. It may be that your past abusive relationship means that your judgement is compromised. Not one other person on this thread had a question in their mind about this guy, what does that tell you? The fact that you were considering introducing him to your kids is quite frankly chilling. I work with children who have been exposed to/victims of domestic abuse every day and the results are pretty horrific. You have got your children out of one situation but it seems that you might well get them into another unless you really take a look at the men you are seeing. I am sorry if this is harsh but your kids deserve better. Professionally speaking I see so many women going from one abusive twat to another and they all think they have great "twat radars" sadly they are often very wrong.