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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this the behaviour of someone that likes women.

246 replies

itsodd · 05/08/2012 10:47

I posted a few days ago after discovering the man I'm seeing had only had sex 5 Times ( at the age of 28) before we met. I am very surprised by this as he seems very confident in the bedroom and we quickly progressed, within a few weeks to dressing up, bondage, anal, sex toys etc. Not to be too graphic, but just to set it all in the correct context.
Ive said to him before how the first night we had sex, he played some high risk moves, that had strong potential to backfire ie: slapping my boobs, little bit of whipping with his belt, pinning me down hard. These things are fine with me, I like them, but he Didnt know that, we hadn't discussed sex at all, so it was a strange thing for him to do.
When he confessed to the only recently having been a virgin i.told him that made what he did the first night even more crazy, in fact it makes it almost incomprehensible. He told me he had been thinking about that and what had happened was a girl at his work had come onto him strongly earlier on in the day, he was cross about her wanting casual sex from him and he took it out on me In a ' take that women kind' kind of a way.
I told him that was terrible.

It's been bugging me since, It's not the kind of thing you say, and now I know our first sex wasn't about us but about some other woman!!!

OP posts:
RecklessRat · 05/08/2012 12:24

There are lots of men out there who are into bondage and love, respect and admire women, so dump this one and find one of them!

Good luck OP. you deserve better than this twisted individual.

teaandthorazine · 05/08/2012 12:24

Yeah, it was 'spot on', but I still don't see how it's actually relevant to this specific thread, considering she's going to dump him and never see him again.

And, fwiw, most of my male friends (and my brothers) went to independent/boarding schools and they're perfectly normal (ish Grin). You sound like you know a lot of weirdos.

Anyway...moving on...

mcmooncup · 05/08/2012 12:28

It's not woman bashing to say that you are entitled to set boundaries. It is quite the opposite.

Houseofplain · 05/08/2012 12:28

No one is woman bashing at all. It's never your fault if you are abused. You can however work on yourself and take steps to avoid getting into relationships with said men.

Such as if they bring in the violence without your consent, the first time you have sex. That, if you have normal boundaries should be a deal breaker. It's not about whether it's your thing or not. You've spectacularly missed the point, which is why I fear you've needed up with a dangerous man, and will do again.

People are concerned for you op, rightly so it would see,.

mcmooncup · 05/08/2012 12:28

Hmmmm didn't you just say in a previous post that "he went to far on a few occasions?"

Original poster
itsodd · 05/08/2012 12:29

Get- I just hate that immediately the woman gets blammed and told she should be on her own, like she's needy or brought it on herself which could not be further from the truth.

He hasn't treated me like shit. He's Been lovely, just the recent revelations have shown things in a new light and things that have been said I'm now seeing in a different way.

It cannot possibly be my fault that I.Didnt know this Info before now.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsodd · 05/08/2012 12:35

Mcmoon, yes. And I.immediately.said.so, and he stopped and hasn't done it again.
If I haveht liked anything ive said and it hasn't been an issue. And he has asked if there are things I.do/ don't want to do.

It really wasnt a violent attack, and if I hadn't of reacted positively then he would have stopped.

OP posts:
Charbon · 05/08/2012 12:36

Woman bashing my arse Hmm

If you think that it's acceptable and normal for a man to start enacting violence on your body without consent the first time you have sex, then you really have got problems.

You're deluding yourself that your radar is finely tuned.

It's not.

The proof is in the pudding FFS, but this couldn't have turned out any other way could it?

mcmooncup · 05/08/2012 12:40

It all goes back to the same thing anyway........DUMP.

The fact he "went too far" on a few occasions for me would be a dealbreaker anyway, I wouldn't expect to have to say stop, I would expect that it would have been mentioned before he did said thing.

We seem to have got to a point of you feeling like you need to defend him. He is a shit. Has no respect for women. And has a lot of potential to be an abusive arsehole. And none of that is your fault. You don't need to defend him.

mcmooncup · 05/08/2012 12:45

the mere fact you feel the need to defend him shows a lot about your radar.

Sorry.

tallwivglasses · 05/08/2012 12:48

'We'd better brace ourselves as we have a whole generation of these young men coming through.'

So true, blue. We need to educate our sons because god knows who else is going to...

OP, not only does he have no respect for you but he's tight and still lives with his mum (I wonder how much he respectes her). You've made the right decision.

Original poster
itsodd · 05/08/2012 12:51

I'm not defending him. Im defending myself. People seem to think I'm too silly/ needy/ pathetic to have worked this out and to have let this happen. When this isnt the case at all.

Until we had sex he was quite quiet and I had assumed would be reserved in bed..I was surprised by the first night, but balanced it with having known him a little while and him being shyer and lovely. So at no point.was I worried, just surprised. There was also lots of cuddling, kissing, caressing and the whole thing went on for hours. So the odd slap really wasn't a deal at all. It would have been different if it was an onslaught of slaps and aggression, but it wasn't.

Ive only re thought all this since the new info and its psinto it ina different light. Which is the one you are Seeing now, so I.understand how it may look now you have the whole picture, It's now it looks to be too, which is why I stated this thread and Willbe dumping.him. but its Not how it was when.it.started out.

OP posts:
PeshwariNaan · 05/08/2012 12:51

YIKES. Run!!!!!!!!!!!

squeakytoy · 05/08/2012 12:53

OP, read this bit of one of your posts again:

He watches a large amount of porn
Wanks several times a day.
Is obsessed with anal and arseholes ( he even brought a butt plug for himself to use when with me, only 6 weeks into our relationship)
He comments quite a lot about women needing Fucking or deserving Fucking. And, in case this makes me sound judgemental, I'm sorry, but hes obsessed with arses, and his arse too, I've mentioned the butt plug, then he went to London with a married ( to a woman) friend, and they chose, out of everywhere to eat, to eat in a gay bar, and he told me he flirted with the waiter over how many sausages he could handle. Then we were in London last weekend. We both went to the loos, he came out and commented that two men had been talking about sex in there and he nearly stayed Because where there is arses he is there, I don't know if this is a joke or not!!

I dont believe you that this has only raised its head in the last week.

If the above is all true, he sounds like a completely fucked up weirdo.

Numberlock · 05/08/2012 12:55

OP -Sorry to say but I think with regards to this man you do need to take some responsibility for the situation. You've spent 5 months - not 5 days, not 5 weeks - with someone who slapped you without consent the first time you had sex, has told you all women are dirty bitches, took out his rage with another woman on you... And you're still with him. And offering excuses for his behaviour.

So no I'm not blaming you for making him act like an arsehole but I am asking myself why you have allowed the situation to continue for so long and why you are having to even ask the question Is this the behaviour of someone that likes women.

Original poster
itsodd · 05/08/2012 12:56

Again, not defending him, defending myself..

It's very easy, with the benefit of hindsite or all the info, to make a judgement. I Didnt have either. I do now and am acting on it.

I don't see.why that.says my twat radar isn't working. Or why I should have time on my own.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 05/08/2012 12:57

No one has said you are pathetic or needy. Only you Sad

Numberlock · 05/08/2012 12:58

Agreed squeaky, these warning signs have been there all along.

A man would say to me once and once only 'Women deserve fucking' before he got his red card yet you let him say it again and again OP. Why?

Original poster
itsodd · 05/08/2012 13:01

Its all true and most has only come out in the last week, we don't.spend that much time together, only every other weekend so maybe.that's why its taken.so long to find this out.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 05/08/2012 13:02

OP - get out while you can

EnjoyResponsibly - I'm so orry your post seems to have been missed in the chaos. Please call Women's Aid NOW on 0808 2000 247! You do not have to stay with a man who beats you. He may control the finances now, but he can't from prison. You DO NOT HAVE TO STAY in such an awful, awful position. Please, please believe me, you can get away, you don't need money and you will be safe.

teaandthorazine · 05/08/2012 13:04

Annie, Enjoy's post wasn't about her, don't worry.

MumPotNoodle · 05/08/2012 13:05

Annie, Enjoy's post was a take on the possible future scenario itsodd could face if she stays with thiis nutter.

Original poster
itsodd · 05/08/2012 13:05

Hes said that twice, both times last week, in London. Same time as the ' if there is.arses I'm.there' comment and the day after the virgin confession. I've actually not seen him.since and am not due to.see him till next weekend. Hence working this all out and what I'm doing aboyut it now.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 05/08/2012 13:05

Annie - I think Enjoy's post was an example of what may happen if OP stays I missed that too

Charbon · 05/08/2012 13:05

You did know this. This has got fuck all to do with kinky sex and everything to do with consent. He slapped you and whipped you without your consent the first time you had sex.

Can't you see this?

It's the fact that you 'weren't worried' when that happened that is causing us most concern. You should have been worried. It should have raised the biggest alarm bells. In an emotionally healthy woman, it would have done.

Then there have been 5 months of further red flags and you needed us to tell you that this man is dangerous and hates women.