is this the behaviour of someone that likes women.

[itsodd]

I posted a few days ago after discovering the man I'm seeing had only had sex 5 Times ( at the age of 28) before we met. I am very surprised by this as he seems very confident in the bedroom and we quickly progressed, within a few weeks to dressing up, bondage, anal, sex toys etc. Not to be too graphic, but just to set it all in the correct context.
Ive said to him before how the first night we had sex, he played some high risk moves, that had strong potential to backfire ie: slapping my boobs, little bit of whipping with his belt, pinning me down hard. These things are fine with me, I like them, but he Didnt know that, we hadn't discussed sex at all, so it was a strange thing for him to do.
When he confessed to the only recently having been a virgin i.told him that made what he did the first night even more crazy, in fact it makes it almost incomprehensible. He told me he had been thinking about that and what had happened was a girl at his work had come onto him strongly earlier on in the day, he was cross about her wanting casual sex from him and he took it out on me In a ' take that women kind' kind of a way.
I told him that was terrible.

It's been bugging me since, It's not the kind of thing you say, and now I know our first sex wasn't about us but about some other woman!!!

PMSL @ "will a text do?"

Normally I'd say no, you need to be honest face to face, it's what they deserve etc etc.

But in this case I would say, "yes a text will do"

I read your other thread and there was no hint at all about this stuff, he just sounded like a sweet guy who hadn't had casual sex. This is totally different. I'm not quite sure why you withheld all this information from first thread as this is obviously a different ball game.

If this is for real, then run away now.

GetOrf has the right text: "This isn't working for me. Please don't contact me again". And never again engage with him.

I think this man is highly dangerous and now he has revealed himself to you, his behaviour is only likely to get worse if you stick around.

If you have already been in an abusive marriage, and were just entering into another abusive relationship (which is what it was), I would KEEP AWAY FROM MEN for a while until your twat radar is seriously fine tuned.

And hell yes, he is lucky to get a text.

On my other thread I.was still processing the fact that.what he had said Didnt add up. It's.just the last few days ive remembered the other bit..I.wasn't intentionally withholding information, I.just hadnt got that far in processing it all.

Mc, my twat radar is very finely tuned. And until this I had Been single for a very long time.
Ive known him five months only, ive found out this info. It's not right and I'm dumping him. I.would have had no way of knowing this before. If my.twat radar wasn't working, I wouldn't be thinking its wrong and dumping him. Would i.

Mcmoon has it bang on. If you are doubting yourself and needing validation from strangers that this man is a dangerous and should be avoided, I think it would be best to stay away from men for a bit.

Rightly or wrongly I'm imagining he came from a private school background, probably a boarder... Sees wives as being for duty / breeding / giving a good seeing to and men for 'comradeship' and in-the-closet lust.

I met a few of this type at Uni many years ago...

No, this is not the behaviour of someone who likes women. Nothing wrong with bondage but its crucial to have mutual respect.

"all women are filthy bitches"

Words fail me. What a disgusting excuse for a human being.

Run like Bolt.

In fact I can see a couple of their faces now as I type but they would be older so not the same guys :)

Mcmoon, actually, it makes me a little cross that people blame.the woman for not having a working ' twat radar' when this kind of thing happens and.they are told to stay away from.men. in no way is this my fault. It is him, a.side I.didn't know and am now acting on.
Please.don't.go around blaming women for things like this, its akin to saying.they.deserve it for not being clever enough to work out someone's full personality immediately.

What a bizarre post, Angelico. What on earth does his educational background have to do with this thread?

Anglico, spot on.actually. private school.

I'm not doubting myself at all. Quite the opposite in making sure I'm not being too harsh to judge, so finely tuned is my twat radar that I tend to judge overly harsh and not make it past a few dates with men ( when you.don't need to actually dump them)

This is classic behaviour of a man who learned about sex from porn before exploring sex with a real live human. We'd better brace ourselves as we have a whole generation of these young men coming through.

With all due respect. If your twat radar was working properly. You'd have got rid of him the minute he brought violence into your relationship. Without your consent, for the very first time you had sex. You wouldn't have hung around for 5 months with all this shit going on.

I do think you'd benefit from some time single.

I think he's been watching too much anal porn, I'm not sure that would make him gay or anything , porn desensitizes.

I'm surprised he was so upset about being offered casual sex by another woman unless she was predatory/pervy.

wouldn't have just been like 'thanks but no thanks' and moved on??

If you are comfortable with this then fine but it seems like you are not.

It wasn't a criticism in any way - it is really hard to find out what some of these twats are like. However, if I am being totally honest, I would question why you didn't pick him up on his extreme behaviour, especially the slapping, for which you had not offered any consent, earlier?

In no way blaming you, no way at all. It's just that after abusive relationships sometimes our boundaries are more skewed than we realise and our self-esteem lower than we hope it to be. But we can only learn from these experiences and yes, I totally agree that you know it is wrong and are listening to that feeling and taking action and that is massively massively positive.

What's really depressing about this thread is that a woman normalised a man slapping her breasts and whipping her without her consent the first time they had sex - and stayed with him for 5 months after that.

What on earth did you fear from saying that you hadn't consented to that? Did you think he would say you were a prude or uptight?

I think after dumping him, it would be a good thing to work on why your personal boundaries are so poor and what sort of cultural conditioning you've absorbed that makes you fear asserting your right to consent.

This has got nothing to do with the fact you say you enjoyed it. It's got everything to do with you not agreeing to it in the first place and him doing it anyway.

I think also you would have raised these issues in your other thread rather than leave all this stuff out and just speak about the fact he was recently a virgin (I didn't post on that thread but read it).

So, have you texted him yet, OP?

No, I.wouldn't, Because I like it, I found it refreshing after a few years of mind numbing crap sex that bored me to tears.

I wasn't at any point doing anything I didn't want to do and wouldn't hesitate to yell no, or to just stop if I wanted to.

So I.liked it, I.was just surprised, as It's not the usual way things happen.

I.had been single for 4.5 years until this point, is that not long enough?
It is quite ridiclous the woman bashing that still happens, the woman is always told It's her fault, her fault she married an abuser ( they don't tend to start off abusive, else who would marry them) the womans fault for staying and putting up with it, and then the womans fault if she meets someone else and he turns out to not be great.
I.did not know this info, I.do now and Will be dumping, so please don't start telling me I.need to be on my own, or work on myself or other such tripe, thank you very much.

And yet teaandthorazine apparently my guesstimate was 'spot on' according to OP

His educational background is only relevant to this thread because I met a few guys like this many years ago at Uni and the things they had in common were:

a) all privately educated at expensive / famous boarding schools
b) all lost their virginity rather later than many of their peers (nothing wrong with this btw)
c) all had a bit of a madonna-whore complex with women
d) all had rather confused feelings for their male friends.

That's not to say that only / all men from this background behave like this but the more OP posted I thought, "God, that reminds me so much of..." In fact I went out with one of these guys briefly - although never got to the whips and chains stage with him thankfully! Partly because he said very early on, "I could never love my wife like I love my friends from boarding school." Which seemed a bit abnormal to me...

Oh - and he fucking loved 'American Psycho'

I will be damned if I am going to be accused of 'woman bashing'.

OP you have people on here concerned about you and the fact that you have put up with a significant amount of shit from this prick, and are just giving advice that perhaps you could do with some alone time before dating again if you are willing to put up with shit like this. This is not 'woman bashing'. How dare you?

Have a bloody word with yourself.

Carbon, no really, I enjoyed it. Without too much detail I enjoy a bit of kink, it Was exciting and I.was pleased to find someone I was so sexually matched with. At no point was I.scared or feeling I had to do things I.Didnt want too. So. Please.don't try and paint it that way.

I Didnt bring up this other part in my other thread. Because I was still processing and thinking through that. Once I had done that I moved onto the next part.