MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

P.S. I should say in my last sentence I don't mean my baby will be estranged from me - I mean that I don't want DH to be estranged from his parents like his half-sister is from my MIL.

I think you're handling things pretty well tbh or she wouldn't be complaining so much. :) What you have to tackle next are the aggressive outbursts and complaining. Aggression is not acceptable from anyone so, if it happens again, you have to insist that she apologises or leaves. Complaining will not be stamped on with tact and diplomacy.... 'your parents see more of the baby'.... 'don't be ridiculous'... and change the subject.

Thanks cogito. What do you mean in the first sentence?

Could you possibly just let her comments wash over you and keep smiling to keep the peace.
Say thank you and throw away the junk? If she asks where it is could you just say "well we did ask you not to buy anymore for dc so we gave it to charity" and smile.
If you want to continue relationship for dh and dc sake and have spoken to her but she is not listening what else can you do?

I've just posted in your copy thread in AIBU.

She started shouting "we have equal rights over the baby" and at that point i said "Come on, let's get in the car" to DH. She ran after us, shouting "You can't just run away"

Every time she says crazy stuff like 'we have equal rights' just leave, don't be blackmailed into staying.

If she starts yelling or screaming, leave every time - I'd leave if she so much as raised her voice to me.

And when she gives you stuff have you tried saying thanks and binning it. It seems like that's one area you can take the conflict out of and just bin the crap she gives you.

juniorant - I've tried smiling sweetly all year, and it's why I'm never very comfortable staying for longer than a couple of nights. DH and I are at fault for asking her to stop the junk, but I think the stained loo-seat and potty were the final straw. She was standing over us wanting baby to use them. I'm probably being silly but I rebelled at that - it just turned my stomach to be expected to put baby on that thing. Irrational I guess...

laurie, no, she has lots of junk at her place, so she expects us to use it there. if she brings junk to our place, we do bin it.

Equal rights over the baby?! She sounds a bit mad!

She needs to realise that it's not acceptable to shout at you in front of your child and also needs to accept that you are the parents and what you say goes.

Is this why her own daughter is estranged from her?

Where is your DH in all this? Is he aware of the way MIL spoke with you?

She does sound a bit mad. I think that you just carry on as you are-smile and ignore. If she comes out with stupid statements like 'equal rights' just ignore. 'Really' is quite a useful word-followed by a change of subject.

I know I will get slated for saying this but there is no way I could use 2nd hand baby stuff and def not a potty/toilet seat. so no you are NOT being silly!!!
My dh went out and bought our 1st child all 2nd hand stuff 8 years ago and I honestly never felt the same about him again.
I put it all on the drive with a note saying please take it and it went in minutes and he was mad at me for wasting the money he spent on that crap!!!
I totally see where you are coming from and I would refuse to use the stuff as well.

and yes saying she has equal right and stuff is odd - did she mean with you or that she has the same rights as your parents over the baby and she phrased it a bit strangely?

Why on earth are you so keen for your dh to uphold a relationship with such a nasty woman?

I would seriously restrict the visits, on account of her shouting and screaming and generally being controlling and abusive. Your daughter does not need a grandparent like that.

I quite often feel a bit sorry for mil's. But when I saw she said that baby is very fat I thought what a total bitch! Sounds as if her behaviour is getting worse and worse. Sometimes this ignoring and trying to be nice becomes a bit too much of a strain. I agree with restricting the visits. It's getting out of hand.

Her daughter is estranged for a similar reason, yes.
My DH is supportive, but simply says he loves his parents, warts and all.
I can understand that. He says that their bad behaviour seems normal becuase he grew up with it and learnt to let it wash over him.

She meant equal rights with my parents. I said "it's not a competition".

she went on about the "fat baby" for months. She used to say "hello fatty, look at all that podge, is your mummy overfeeding you?" I told her last month that baby is in the 91st centile for height and 75th for weight, so the HV said she in perfect proportion. MIL said "oh that's good - we've been terribly worried about her being fat"

My mum has just suggested that I send a nice card with baby photos, and some nice words. She reckons I'm not going to change anything by standing up to MIL, but if I send a nice card, it will reduce their ability to moan about me for a while. My mum thinks that as my ILs are alcoholics enthusiastic members of the Wine Guild, they will always be looking for a fight so there's no point trying to change them.

Loving your parents does not imply letting your wife take abuse from them.
His mum, he needs to speak with her.
Meanwhile, restrict visits. I know your baby is young, but if scenes of screaming continue in front of the baby, it would be detrimental to their confidence and esteem.
Yes your DH grew up with it, doesn't mean his DC have to.

My aunt GM and GGM are obsessed with weight. Every baby is fat. My cousin is fat (8 years old, they feed her crap late at night, plonk her infront of the tv and then wonder why) but IMO shes not fat just a bit chubby. You cannot enjoy a meal without it being commented on.

When GGM called DD fat at around 18months it was the final straw. DD in no way could be called fat. You can see her ribs fgs.

I also remember my GGM saying once that "GPs have rights too you know" wrt seeing grand kids and having a say in their upbringing.

If I was you I would refuse to stay again. If DH wants to take your DD to see her then ok. When DD is older though and MIL starts being nasty to her, I would step in and put a stop to it.

What does DH say to her about the way she treats you? I assume he just lets her get on with it? Hes used to it so I wouldnt take that personally. But I would definately pull him up on it.

What a horrid woman.

Here's a book you might be interested in: Toxic in-laws

If she is commenting now about your child's weight, what is she going to be like once your daughter is old enough to understand what she is talking about?

Sounds like a nightmare.

Just don't tell her anything wrt visiting your parents or time your daughter spends with them.

I would tell her, in no uncertain terms, that the minute she raises her voice in future, you will walk away and leave. You will not be intimidated and you will not have your child scared by her behaviour. Get husband to back you up on this too, surely he can see it is totally unacceptable.

My husband does support me, and does his best to speak to them. He is scared of them though. I think I will order that Toxic In-laws book tomorrow. I've heard about it on MN, and have read people talking about Fear, Obligation and Guilt. That describes his relationship with them very well.

I think the fat thing is about control, again. They are fearful snobs, and FIL once said "Fat is a class issue".

Sounds like a plan!

I second all the advice given here.

Take a walk with DD if she's at your house. Go home if you're at hers and she gets abusive.

Tell her you will not put up with her behaviour and make it clear with actions.

Tell your DP that although you know he loves his parents he must notice that not all other parents talk to people like this. The fact it upsets you even if he is used to it should make him want to talk to her about it, so his partner isn't unhappy and of course, his daughter.